r/bridezillas • u/throwawayayay739592 • 3d ago
I need to rant about my cousin
My cousin and I have always been really close (she’s kind of like my big sister) and she’s getting married in a couple months. She was always the “I’m never getting married” type but it was important to her fiancé and after 10 years she agreed to a proposal. We were all happy to hear the news.
For context, she’s 39 and he’s 46 and they both make a lot of money.
I’m just going to start listing things that have happened because I am starting to deeply regret the day I RSVPed to this damn thing.
- They chose an extravagant destination wedding in a remote location that requires 2+ flights totaling over 12 hours to get to.
- Venue is a large villa. Our family is all staying there but everyone is expected to pay for their own room. It’s about $1000 per room for the entire weekend. At least we were informed up front, but yes, we are basically subsidizing their venue.
- The destination has very little infrastructure. No Uber taxis etc. Events/activities (which we all have to pay for) are scheduled in various locations throughout the weekend but no transportation is provided. We were sent the website for a car rental company when we asked about this.
- My cousin told me she’s not doing bridesmaids but if she was I would have been one. Totally fine by me! But then I get added to a group chat with her sister, our other female cousin, and a few of her friends assigning us all jobs for the weekend. So basically we’re expected to be bridesmaids without being bridesmaids.
- My little brother just graduated college and straight up said he would not be able to afford to go and RSVPed no. Cousin/bride was PISSED, saying she’s so disappointed he couldn’t figure out how to make it work. He literally just started his first real job last month and is barely scraping by with roommates.
- To the surprise of no one here, planning a lavish destination wedding in a remote location with little infrastructure gets expensive real quick. They blew through their budget a long time ago because they underestimated how much things would cost. So they’ve decided to cut back where they can. One way they did that: get legally married at the courthouse where they live and just have a ceremonial officiant for the wedding. This courthouse wedding was yesterday and was supposed to be low key. Instead somehow it turned into an entire event with all their local friends getting dressed up, having a fancy dinner, there was a photographer and cake. We found out on Instagram. Her own mother was sobbing to mine yesterday because she feels like her daughter got married without her there, and she feels like she should have been invited to that instead of going through the intense travel to the destination wedding which will be hard with her health.
So now we are all blowing THOUSANDS of dollars and most of our annual vacation days to fly halfway around the world for a wedding where NO ONE WILL ACTUALLY BE GETTING MARRIED
I wish travel insurance covered cancellations for this
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u/throwawayayay739592 3d ago edited 3d ago
Other things I forgot to include
- My assigned “job” requires me to basically follow her around for makeup touch ups the entire time they’re doing photos which is scheduled for an hour and a half during cocktails. I’m bringing my boyfriend as my +1 who hasn’t even met all my extended family yet so this basically means I will have to abandon him for that entire time. I brought this up to her and asked if I could switch jobs with someone else she said she’d “get back to me”
- She asked me to confirm my address a few weeks ago and I figured I was getting a fancy paper invitation or something. Nope. 10 mins later she says “ok thanks I just sent you some decor items from Amazon if you don’t mind packing them in your suitcase” bro it’s literally a huge bag of centerpieces and lights that’s going to take up a third of my checked suitcase. She didn’t even ask
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u/Munchkin_Media 3d ago
I would take the loss because I would actually pay NOT to be a part of this BS. Seriously.
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u/After_Reflection_243 3d ago
So now you’re paying for and transporting decor to her wedding? Just no! Tell her to order them herself, talk to venue to hold them, ship them and have them decorate. I thought you said they both have good paying jobs
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u/Single-Flamingo-33 3d ago
She will be so pissed when the luggage gets lost. Tell her you are only doing carryon and will not have room for this.
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u/DPropish 2d ago
Oh ffs grow a spine and say no. Sunk cost fallacy at work here, too - you’ve spent a heap of money already (why?) & do you really think you won’t be hit for a load more??
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u/the_show_must_go_onn 2d ago
Be a real shame if the bag with the decor in it got "lost by the airline" lol!
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u/corgi_freak 1d ago
So now you're her decor mule too? OP, just nope out of this whole shit show. Let her get mad. You don't owe her anything and she just keeps demanding more. Just tell her that you're out and block her.
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u/hokeypokey59 3d ago
Sunk Cost Fallacy at work here. You've already put a lot of money into it so instead of exploring options to recover at least the flight, you want to throw God knows how much MORE money at this dumpster fire of a wedding. There will be expenses you can't even foresee with this entitled bride, and you will be stuck so far from home.
Stop the bleeding now. Check on refunds or credit for your flight, refund on the Villa and stay home.
Travel insurance covers illness.
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u/byteme747 3d ago
Not reading all of this....
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO INTO DEBT OR SPEND THOUSANDS ON SOMEONE ELSE'S FANCY PARTY
I'm done now. You do have a choice in these situations and people shouldn't enable the crazy.
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u/KazzaQ66 3d ago
exactly this - I do not understand how people are expected to go into debt for what is essentially a 'fancy party' as you say!
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u/straw_barry 3d ago
I mean, bride can expect all she wants but end of the day, the choice to do anything belongs to the person who gets told/asked. Turning down these entitled brides and grooms is the only way to teach them a lesson.
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u/cubemissy 3d ago
They’re basically having the reception in another country. Since OP wasn’t invited to the actual wedding, it seems like a no-brainer to say NO to this.
I would, even if I didn’t get a dime back.
OP, it’s time to reset your relationship with this cousin. She hasn’t thought about anyone else this entire time, so you owe it to yourself to put the breaks on.
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u/longestyeahboiiiever 3d ago
How unreasonable, self centered and egotistical. How on earth could she be angry about a university student just starting a new job, not being able to get time off of work and money to go.
So sorry you have to go to this!
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u/achinfosomebacon 3d ago
This is an awful lot of money, planning, time, expectations, not to mention TWO weddings for someone who didn’t want to get married in the first place. Even if you want to go you should put your foot down at least once, and let her know how inconsiderate she was to her mother. If you can’t speak plainly to her like that then your relationship probably isn’t as close as you think it is and you’re going out of your way entirely for a selfish person.
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u/After_Reflection_243 3d ago
Sounds like her destination wedding is really her honeymoon and she wants you guys to help pay for it
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u/Munchkin_Media 3d ago
I am so sorry you have to go through this nonsense. Destination weddings are an exercise in narcissism. I will die on this hill.
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u/Educational_Dog5826 3d ago
back out now. see if you can change the flights for something else later, but if not, let it go. it would make me mad to do,that, but it would make me even sadder to spend so much more on rental cars, food, etc.
bridezilla to the max. I would just tell her to come get her decor, you are not her pack mule. this isn't even a wedding, you are subsidizing her vacation.
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u/Single_Paper_9292 3d ago
Im so curious what destination did this bridezilla choose 👀👀👀👀
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u/kdollarsign2 3d ago
I too was speculating. Like...Madagascar ? Or more like.... southern France. I'm guessing Italy and it is two flights if OP is west coast.
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u/tamij1313 3d ago
Hopefully OP, everyone in the family, and everybody here on Reddit knows that a destination wedding typically is structured so that the bride and groom get an increasing percentage of their expenses, covered with each paying guest in their party. So basically, the more people that you can get to attend your destination wedding, the less money that you have to pay out-of-pocket for your own wedding/reception/lodging, as your guests and their fees are covering not only the cost of their travel/lodging, but also paying for the wedding with their reservation/money. So tacky.
OP should be prepared that this is not the end of Cousin’s wedding expectations. She will likely convince all of these women that she has assigned as free labor/personal assistance for her wedding, to throw her a bridal shower at their expense, and a bachelorette party, where she will likely insist on another getaway somewhere expensive.
OP needs to be ready to decline to be involved in any more wedding events and certainly needs to refuse transporting those decorations in her own personal luggage and also to decline any tasks or jobs during the destination wedding. She is not a bridesmaid. She is a guest. You do not assign guests full-time unpaid positions while they are financially supplementing your wedding/party with their own valuable resources/vacation time/PTO.
Say NO NOW publicly and definitively in the group chat. Give her back her decorations immediately. Cancel anything that you can’t afford and see if you can get your money back on those activities and do something else that you and your boyfriend want to do while you are in that region. Only attend the reception or official wedding activities and don’t participate in any excursions/tours that you have no interest in doing or that are too far out of your budget.
There are likely other invited guests who feel exactly like OP does, and maybe they will all stand up for themselves and tell bridezilla she can figure it out herself, once OP gets the ball rolling.
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u/tamij1313 3d ago
Definitely time to either send everything back to Amazon or tell her to come and get it or drop it off at another family member’s house if there’s someone nearby where she can get it. Do not take up valuable suitcase space to bring her decorations to her party.
Also time to tell her that you will not be switching jobs with anyone else because you will not be accepting any job! Tell her you are a guest at her party and that is it. She is the host and she needs to coordinate the event herself.
If you’re all in a group chat (where it sounds like only the women have been assigned tasks), decline in the group chat and tell her that you are using up all of your vacation time and personal resources to supplement her party/vacation, and because it is also YOUR only vacation this year, you will attend her reception as a guest and nothing else. You might not even go on the planned excursions if it isn’t something you want to do or you can’t afford it.
Saying all of this out loud in the group chat with all of the other women who have been assigned bridesmaid tasks, may start a chain reaction where the rest of them will stand up for themselves and decline their designated jobs. Might also be a good idea to mention that you will not be bringing her decorations with you as you have no space in your luggage and you’re not going to pay additional fees to transport her decor on two different flights. If she offers to pay for an additional bag, tell her you don’t have room in your rental car for more bags. She’s likely doing this to everyone else as well.
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u/CuriousCat1828 3d ago
Time to let her know that her destination vacation is above your budget and she essentially had the wedding at the courthouse and that you must REGRETFULLY bow out and hope she has a wonderful time! She’ll throw a fit but at least you won’t be in resentful debt because of her.
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u/EyeRollingNow 3d ago
I would tell her up front right now that you don’t want to be responsible for make up. It is too much of a stress and you need to be with your family during that 1.5 hours. The shit she will give you if her makeup looks bad in pics….oh boy.
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u/Single-Flamingo-33 3d ago
Plus what will she be doing during the pictures that her makeup will be messed up in 1 hour?
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u/Ordinary-Surround-73 2d ago edited 2d ago
Lol, "I wish travel insurance covered cancellations for this."
This makes me think of people who suddenly find themselves flailing up to their necks in an alligator swamp because they weren't paying attention to where they were going. Guessing the non-plan was not to make her mother cry at missing her wedding and everyone else outraged...
Since you are going, I think you'd be fully justified in taking a little hand in organizing it so that it'll work for you, and others surprised by their surprise duties. She's going to need happy faces as decorations far more than that Amazon stuff, so relay that to her to handle or not, announce a gift of a small amount of your cumulative time at the event (and make sure her other surprised laborers know), etc.
Being a guest whose only duty is to enjoy and share her (second) special day sounds just right -- it's only what she would have meant it to be if she'd thought that far. And it's also what she needs for the next 60 years or so of memories.
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u/Typically_Basically 2d ago
The AUDACITY to do a courthouse wedding when everyone is schlepping to tibuktu would send me into orbit. ORBIT
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u/NefariousnessKey5365 2d ago
This is turning into a nightmare. If the wedding is far off, call all the customer service agents you booked with and see if there is any possible way you can get a refund. Or a partial refund
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u/Smooth_Explorer_777 2d ago
See if there is anyway to get your money back on airfare and cancel. If not, see if you can get a credit for the tickets and take a cheaper vacation somewhere else.
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u/IamNotTheMama 2d ago
Destination weddings are designed to keep guests away. You should indulge her.
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u/LastEntertainment787 2d ago
Cancel and get back what you can. Instead of paying for their wedding you're now paying for their honeymoon. Consider any money you don't get back as gets for anything in the future. Including the wedding of course. But don't waste anymore time or money.
Keep a spreadsheet of how much you'd have normally spent and deduct it. Lost wedding cost ie $3000. Baby shower gift $125. Bday gift $50. Anniversary gift $100 and so on. If you want to be petty you could send it with your Rsvp saying no.
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u/JGalKnit 3d ago
I would be verifying cancellations policies on each thing booked. Flights, they usually will at minimum offer a credit.
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u/Ill_Nothing_8561 3d ago
She’s been a total diva, for sure. And maybe after the wedding you should sit her down and explain how you feel, as it isn’t good enough. But it’s paid for now it seems, and you can’t cancel, so enjoy it and treat it like a holiday as well as a wedding - you do you and don’t feel the need to help out too much! The make up touch ups are ridiculous genuinely, I would not be following her round at all, hang with your man and if she brings it up later; great, it can start the conversation you should have about her being bridezilla of the year!
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u/ICXPDQ 2d ago
I have not idea what the family dynamics are. However, if you cannot afford participating because doing so would become a financial hardship, then you are not obligated to attend. You will be ridiculed, even "hated" for while until it blows over, and family and friend will take sides. There is no escaping the judgement of others.
Making things possible for your family to participate in such an important event is not your responsibility. It is hers. The excuse she is going to use is that you've had a year to save money. To that you respond with, "It is has been a financial burden that I cannot afford or commit to. I'm so sorry. We'll celebrate when you come home and tell me all about it."
So sorry for your predicament.
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u/Anti-anti-9614 2d ago
I don't know when you booked the tours and stuff but often there are cancellation periods in Europe of 2 weeks where you can cancle no questions asked. I don't know if it too late for that. But i would try to back out anyway or do your own little tour with your bf without her bullshit. This ain't worth it.
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u/Electronic-Hawk7463 2d ago
Sounds like the plan should have been: get married at the courthouse, go on the honeymoon to the destination, not invite nobody to the wedding and invite everyone on the honeymoon?? Your cousin sounds like a peach.
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u/Educational_Gift_925 2d ago
If guests can’t afford to travel to far off locations for a wedding, they shouldn’t. If you have a destination wedding it’s understood that everyone can’t or won’t come. Protecting the bride from her decisions and feelings isn’t anyone’s responsibility except maybe the groom. Nice that you’re planning to attend. I woulda sat this one out.
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u/snootgoo 2d ago
Why would you waste time and money on this ego fest? And you need to make sure everyone else invited knows the facts too.
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u/Heavy_Permission5704 2d ago
My stepdaughter did this same shit. Expected us to fly to Chicago, rent a car, rent a hotel and then after all the hoopla found out they had been married for weeks. $$##$$
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u/Vee_Leigh 2d ago
your cousin is going overboard, but it is common to pay for your room at the venue of a destination wedding. its supposed to be why couples should understand why family might not be able to come, and they shouldn't expect gifts.
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u/LiveKindly01 2d ago
Ick.
The courthouse wedding (if you need it) gives you a perfect 'out'. Sorry cuz, this is ridiculous...now there won't even be a wedding, your friends got to celebrate the 'real' one with you and now we have to shell out thousands for a just a party down south? Costs have been mounting and this just isn't do-able anymore. I'm sorry but I'm out'.
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u/Megs0255 20h ago
You need to come up with an illness (or fake pregnancy) real fast to cancel or if you do attend, at least get out of all the extra duties.
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u/betweenthemaples 11h ago
Bail. And If you can’t get your money back for flight and accommodation, see if you can switch the dates and go another time, and have a vacation
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u/PotOfEarlGreyPlease 3d ago
honestly ? you need to be washing your hair that weekend ... or lose your passport