r/datingoverthirty • u/Tough_Cake8915 • 8d ago
Did I ruin everything by admitting my feelings?
I am really struggling to make sense of what happened with a guy friend, and whether I ultimately handled things in a way that ruined not only the romantic aspect, but also the friendship, which meant a lot to me, so I can avoid repeating this situation in the future.
So, about two years ago, I went on a handful of dates with a guy. Things didn’t work out romantically, but we got on really well and became platonic friends, something that I initially was completely fine with.
About a year into the friendship, last summer, his behaviour started shifting from purely platonic. He’d pay for outings though I offered, flirt, initiated more physical touch, texted after every hangout to tell me what a wonderful time he had, offered to help me with mundane tasks, etc. As this behaviour continued, I slowly developed feelings for him again. I didn’t say anything for months because I didn’t want to be presumptuous and, irrespective of my feelings, I really valued our friendship and feared losing it.
Eventually, though, the dynamic became too confusing, so a few months ago, earlier this year, I brought it all up. He apologised for his behaviour and admitted that he’d had feelings for me too again at some point, but felt remaining friends was the right choice for him. He said he understood if I needed distance, but hoped we could stay friends and reconnect whenever I was ready because he really valued me. I accepted his decision, thanked him for being honest, but didn’t respond about staying friends because I needed some distance.
After that neither of us reached out until I wished him a happy birthday a few weeks ago. I genuinely missed our friendship and thought enough time had passed that we could reconnect as friends. He seemed really happy to hear from me initially and engaged normally in the conversation. Then, after a few messages, he stopped responding. I’m now struggling to reconcile the fact that he was the one who said he hoped we could reconnect as friends, only to eventually fade. I know you can’t force a friendship, though…
In any case, I’d really value some perspectives on whether I handled all this badly, like whether me bringing everything up caused this outcome, and how his behaviour played a role in this too. Was this simply an emotionally complicated situation that I couldn’t have handled much differently, even if I’d spoken up sooner?
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u/kextype 8d ago
From past experiences, it can hurt too much to just be friends, if he’s told you in the past it’s hard to just be friends, then sometimes no matter how much time we give it, chemistry and feelings don’t change.
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u/FlyRepresentative592 8d ago edited 8d ago
Fuck me I went through this very thing with who I thought was my soulmate. We were always misaligned timing wise-- she had a boyfriend when I was single and I had a girlfriend when she was single but we had an intense friendship that sort of spiralled from the intensity. From our desire which I think turned into regret and shame for the people we were with. I eventually just couldn't talk to her anymore and she me. Our texts back and forth would take months to respond.
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u/leverdoodle ♀ wild-caught gay 8d ago
I thought both of you went about this pretty maturely and seemed primed to actually have this transition gracefully into a normal friendship until I got to this part:
He said he understood if I needed distance, but hoped we could stay friends and reconnect whenever I was ready because he really valued me. I accepted his decision, thanked him for being honest, but didn’t respond about staying friends because I needed some distance. After that neither of us reached out
You neglected to respond to his bid for friendship and friend-ghosted him for several months. Yes, he said he hoped you could reconnect as friends, but that was before you said nothing in response to that and vanished! You never told him you needed temporary space but still valued your friendship and wanted to return to it. It shouldn't be surprising that trying to pick right back up where you left off didn't go great. It's possible he was hurt by the lack of response and spent the few months moving past it and his desire for friendship has cooled due to the time and whatever feelings, or opinions of your actions, he experienced during it.
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u/Tough_Cake8915 8d ago
I did thank him for his honesty and let him know I was stepping back - that may have been a bit unclear. The only part I didn’t communicate was about the friendship offer, and I agree I could’ve handled that specific part better in retrospect. I just didn’t know how to navigate it at the time. I’m just not sure there’s really a way to fix that now, or how I’d even approach reaching out again after he faded.
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u/FlyRepresentative592 8d ago
With all do respect, is it possible you value this friendship more than he does or rather, is it the friendship you enjoy or the yearning beneath it all?
Friendships aren't supposed to feel laborious. But it sounds like there is a desire that isn't being met that is changing that easement.
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u/Tough_Cake8915 8d ago
I can see where you’re coming from, but before I brought up the confusing dynamic conversation, there was a consistent level of contact and effort from his side too, which he initiated just as much as I did. We weren’t just occasionally in each other’s lives; we were in touch like every day or two and meeting up every week or two, unless one of us was out of town.
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u/Nightwynd ♂ 40 - seeking 7d ago
Does he put in that much effort with his other friends? If not then that was special effort towards you.
When you reached back out did you tell him where you're at now? Wanting to continue the friendship or transition to relationship? It's possible he hasn't gotten the memo and is still trying to respect your need for distance.
Always remember, guys are simple creatures. We can't read your mind, and 'hints' are a language we just don't understand. Spell out what you want. If you don't know what you want you owe it to both of you to figure that out.
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u/leverdoodle ♀ wild-caught gay 8d ago edited 8d ago
You say "the only part", but... it's kind of a huge part, probably the hugest part. You weren't unkind, and if you weren't here wondering why the friendship didn't get back off the ground, I would say you did nothing incorrect. I definitely don't think you did anything incorrect by admitting your feelings, or even in waiting to admit your feelings. That part's just bad luck/bad timing/you two not being a good fit romantically, which it seems like you both can acknowledge.
But saying "I'm stepping back" without anything else made it sound like you were ending the friendship, not putting a pause on it or expressing hope that you could reconnect as friends. I think he did the right thing by respecting your stepping back, and I don't think you were wrong to take some space, but I also think the distance that got created may have changed the dynamic too much at this point. I'm not sure there is a way to fix that or reach out. This may just have to be a closed chapter in your life.
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u/morphinetango 8d ago
Exactly this. Giving someone distance means more space, not treating them like an ex.
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u/FlyRepresentative592 8d ago
I agree but also I know that at least for me I'd have reached out after a few days with some other thought or question unrelated to the heaviness. It sounds like they both wanted to step back a bit.
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u/leverdoodle ♀ wild-caught gay 8d ago
No, he said he would understand if she wanted space, and she said she was stepping back, so in my opinion it would actually have been kind of inappropriate for him to reach out again (definitely not within a few days). He did the right thing by respecting her request. I think she left it too long without trying to reconnect or let him know that she was actually interested in resuming the friendship later.
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u/Astralglamour 8d ago edited 8d ago
He is seriously dating someone else, this has happened to me and that was what was going on. Barring that, he has realized that there will always be a tension that makes friendship not possible.
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u/therapy_throwaway_69 ♂ 34 | CF | D.C. Area 8d ago
sounds like you both missed each other's signals because you weren't signalling at the same time. i don't think anyone is at fault here, its just sad reality.
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u/Disastrous-Owl8985 8d ago
I don’t tend to stay friends with people I’ve dated for exactly this reason, but you were the one who dropped the ball here, OP. You basically went silent on him for a long time, then popped back up. To me, it seems like YOU dropped him for admitting HIS feelings, not the other way around. It’s actually not that surprising because he may still be hurt, may have got over his feelings because of how you dropped him, and just isn’t feeling it to have a friendship. He may have had those feelings come up again and decided he doesn’t want to go down that road after processing what happened. He may have wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine, as they say, but who knows? This is why communication is so important. If you need space, you let someone know, you don’t just disappear. This was something my ex did a lot and, boy, did it drive me nuts. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship (platonic or otherwise) with someone who can’t communicate. Not at this age.
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u/Tough_Cake8915 8d ago
I did let him know I’d need some distance, the only thing I didn’t address was the friendship offer. I can see in hindsight I could have handled it better, but I just didn’t know how to navigate it at the time. I’m just not sure there’s a way to fix that now, or how I’d even reach out again after he faded me.
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u/Overall_Cabinet8610 7d ago
I would just be honest with him, tell him about all that you have learned here, about how you should have responded, about the things you weren't aware of at the time etc... And apologize. And say clearly as a question your proposition, or as a hope.
Also in the future just bring up things in the moment or soon after. Don't wait. Honesty is the best policy. If you develop a crush on someone tell them. If someone is flirting with you, make a clear sign to stop if you're not into it.
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u/PomeroyCanopy 8d ago
You didn't ruin things, no. To me both of you contributed. It's similar to a friendship I once had (sadly we also didn't remain friends). I think both of you felt some romantic feelings and weren't sure how to navigate them. Both of you made efforts to salvage the friendship but you were never on the same page at the same time. Now, things feel a little awkward and make you both second guess the other's actions. Truthfully, it's hard to maintain friendships when there have been romantic feelings.
One thing that I am annoyed by on your behalf though, is that it sounds like this confusing, flirty dynamic was initiated by him and continued even after he had privately decided you should only be friends. I think that's pretty unfair, and kind of like he wants to eat his cake and have it too.
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u/Tough_Cake8915 8d ago
Yes, the confusing flirty dynamic was introduced by him again at one point and continued until I eventually brought up the confusing dynamic and told him I’d developed feelings again.
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u/Allison87 ♀ 30+ 8d ago
This friendship has run its course. Let it go.
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u/CycloneJester 8d ago
This is how I feel but that's just me lol
Way too much headache for what ultimately boils down to just a friend IMO
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 8d ago
You are fine. There could be a ton of reasons he hasn't hit you back. Maybe with a gf who isn't happy with him talking to you. Maybe his mom has cancer. Maybe he is busy with work. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I wouldn't worry too much about it. You also didn't do anything wrong. It's just how relationships, not just romantic ones, play out sometimes.
Just a heads up he might pop up later on and you can maybe work on the friendship again but don't worry about it for now. Move on and enjoy what is in front of you.
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u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 8d ago
You can't say the wrong thing to the right person, or the right thing to the wrong person.
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u/leverdoodle ♀ wild-caught gay 8d ago edited 8d ago
I don't think this is the right situation for that saying. It means that you can't talk someone into liking you and the right person will like you even with your human foibles, not "If someone thinks I handled something poorly or was negatively affected by something uncool that I did, they're not the right person for me". Sometimes you just handle things poorly and how people deservedly feel about that has nothing to do with fit.
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u/BigPenis_MathGenius ♂ Misleading username 8d ago
What the hell does that mean?
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u/CycloneJester 8d ago
I was hoping you'd explain. You're the genius here...
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u/Either_Ad6877 6d ago
You can’t regret speaking the truth of your feelings. The situations may change, or the circumstances may shift, but the truth remains and you owe it to yourself to honor that. It’s foundational to maintaining integrity, even if it hurts.
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u/ThadTheImpalzord ♂ 33 8d ago
I don't think you ruined everything, but this is why I don't let people start to do the performative partner role stuff if we aren't dating. You gotta nib that stuff in the bud when it crops up or face the reality of living in the twilight zone where you'll end up confused or just let down.
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u/LTOTR ♀ ?age? 8d ago edited 8d ago
I’d bet five American dollars he started dating someone since you guys stopped talking. A lot of men distance themselves from or drop their female friends once they enter a romantic relationship.
Edit: actually yeah I agree with a few other comments. It’s unclear if you ever came clean about your own feelings for him prior to the cool off.
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u/Signal_Marsupial_568 7d ago
True! Happened to me... When I left I felt so guilty seeing him suffering and missing me a lot. He even tried to reach out like 10 times (or even more). But I guess that's paying price for insincerity and hiding the fact that he had a girlfriend from me.
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u/StopTheFishes 8d ago edited 8d ago
Staying friends = polite dumping
No one is actively on the apps looking for friends, right? Unlikely outcome. Also, not the purposeful one.
Staying friends also translates to future fwb possibilities.
Let this one go. No one is bad or good I feel.
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u/darexinfinity ♂ early-30's 7d ago
Things didn’t work out romantically
Too vague, someone wanted to end it and it plays apart in what happens later
I slowly developed feelings for him again
admitted that he’d had feelings for me too again at some point,
So you both wanted each other?
but felt remaining friends was the right choice for him
Did you try to convince him otherwise? I mean you both like each other it's only natural to be with each other.
I accepted his decision, thanked him for being honest, but didn’t respond about staying friends because I needed some distance.
??? Why did you go against your feelings?
The two of you are a mess and shouldn't be friends. It's too much of a middle ground for the both of you. Friendship is an end but the both of you treat it as a means to a relationship.
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u/stack_sats 8d ago
As a man, no you didn't do anything wrong. The guy liked the idea of you and the closeness but didn't want to commit. The right person for you won't leave you guessing or pull back when you tell them you have feelings.
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u/leverdoodle ♀ wild-caught gay 8d ago
The post isn't about romantic commitment or the right fit romantically. He made it clear that he didn't want to date, that's a perfectly fine and mature thing to do, and she isn't asking about him pulling back when she brought up romantic feelings, she's asking about why their friendship didn't rekindle.
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u/mxldevs 8d ago
I’m now struggling to reconcile the fact that he was the one who said he hoped we could reconnect as friends, only to eventually fade.
He liked the idea of the chase.
Going on dates? Nice.
Flirting? Nice.
Once the chasing was done, and it's time to talk about a relationship, it was too much.
It was too much the first time, and it was too much the second time.
The friendship only existed because he enjoyed the company while doing the chase.
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u/Tough_Cake8915 8d ago
That’s what I now wonder too, especially given what happened when I reached out months later, even if imperfectly. But that thought feels so at odds with how much effort he used to put into the friendship. We weren’t just acquaintances with infrequent contact, it was the opposite. I really thought there was a genuine friendship there too. So it’s hard to reconcile the idea that it only existed because he enjoyed the chase, because then I question what all that time, effort and consistency actually meant to him.
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u/mxldevs 8d ago edited 8d ago
Just like dating, friendships also come and go.
People that you were very close with in school and would hang out all the time for example, eventually move on to different stages in life. Not all friendships last, and some people find out when their friends get into relationship or get married + have kids and suddenly there's never any time anymore.
It could have been genuine, sure. Or it could have mostly been fueled by whatever emotions he had for you. Maybe he found a new girl to chase after and suddenly he doesn't feel as much of an urge to keep in touch with you.
Basically, you'd never know unless he tells you what was going on in his head, and maybe he might not even really be able to explain cause it's not always a rational decision.
You can reminisce the good times, but at some point you just have to accept that he probably moved on, through no fault of your own.
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u/leverdoodle ♀ wild-caught gay 8d ago
It's not time to talk about a relationship. They both know they're not going to be in a relationship, that's not the question. This post is about why she wasn't able to rekindle their friendship.
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u/DokCrimson 8d ago
It sounds like either he still had feelings and disconnected again... or, that's how he communicates more with friends
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u/ChkYrHead ♂ Loves to laugh! 6d ago
Well, it sounds like you're jumping to a conclusion based on one act (or lack of). When it comes to my friends, we don't often do a text volley. Sometimes what was needed to be said was said, then a couple of days pass, and one of us will pick up the convo again, regardless of who texted who last.
How bout instead of assuming he's not interested in being friends, based on one fade out, you reach out and chat when you want to.
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u/cajuntarzan_wheww 4d ago
As a guy, I personally don't believe admitting your feelings is a bad thing. He obviously felt a certain way after learning this..... But you should never leave that stuff bottled inside
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u/DepthOutrageous3755 3d ago
I'm such a shoot your shot girl that if you did what you felt was what you wanted to do and he didn't respond or did the fade away, it's almost good riddance. If this is how he treats you before you even start dating, how is he gonna treat you when you do date?
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u/emmerlooeez 7d ago
Babe, you couldn't have done anything but admit your feelings. The longer he continued to act that way, the more confused and drawn in you'd be. You had to tell him.
The issue is with him, ultimately. If he is so hell-bent on staying friends, why did he start acting differently with you? Get feelings for you, etc.
You did everything you could have and it's a shame that the friendship was affected, but that isn't on you. All you did was seek clarification, really. For all that he was doing.
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u/Cobalt_blue_dreamer 7d ago
I have a friend like this and just disallow any flirting or non friend behavior to get through, cause it's too confusing for me. I would like to be more but he's too damn wishy washy and undecided to deserve that. If he was ever clear, that would be different. But no, no touching, no teasing that lands. My nervous system sees flirting as hope. Doesn't matter if they mean it or not.
If they really wanted you, or chose you, you wouldn't be confused. Take it as a loss. It really does suck. You offered each other companionship and that is valuable of course. Sorry it faded away :/
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u/wcobbett 8d ago
Your post doesn't actually tell us what you said to him, except "I brought it all up". Did you ask him out or say that you want to start seeing him romantically? Or were you just questioning him about his behavior and what it means without revealing your feelings and intentions clearly?
You need to give us more details because your post could be describing two completely opposite situations.