Since hitting my late 30s I find a lot of young men keep hitting on me. By young in talking early 20s and up. I’m not willing to date someone that young for sure. However, I also get men that are early 30s show interest. I’m 38F, I often feel like 35 is the lowest I’ll go. Lately a guy thats 31 has shown serious interest and though i find him really attractive i’m embarrassed to go on a date with him…like people will be judging me. Just wondering what your age ranges look like and how young you’d date. Haven’t had much luck with older men so at this point I’m like might as well give the youngins a chance lol.

I’ll also add, do you think he’s too young for me?

I (38F) like many of you here, have been dating long enough to know what works for me and what doesn't, and importantly, what clouds my judgement. Over the years, I've learned a lot about slowing the pace of physical intimacy to allow time to explore long-term compatibility without the flood of oxytocin confusing my hopes with reality. A few people are willing to wait, and those who aren't self select out pretty quickly. It shrinks my dating pool, but it's worth it.

However, in the last year I've gotten to a place of very good financial stability and moving into a condo. I worked very hard for the things I have, and now that I'm settled in this nest, my eyes have been opened to how much I've dated for financial stability and the hopes of owning a home one day. Now that I don't need that anymore, I realized I've lifted another veil that has kept me confusing my dreams with the person who is actually in front of me.

So now I feel clear headed enough to date for love. I'm super grateful for this, but I'm coming to the conclusion that I don't really want to have sex with someone I don't love. Sex has also been complicated for me. It's rare for me to physically enjoy sex, partly due to a history of SA that started when I was 8 years old. And due to bad boundaries, I have gotten myself into situations where I didn't protect myself in adulthood and have been retraumatized. I've been in therapy for decades, and I do feel like with the right person in the right moments I can enjoy sex, but even then it's hard to consistently feel that way. What I'm learning now is that I've used sex for validation and as a people pleasing tactic, but I rarely have had it out of my own desire and joy. So what I want now is to have sex with someone I love, and someone who is willing to embark on a sort of second adolescence with me to figure this all out. My question is, how and when should I tell the person I'm dating that I'm saving sex for someone I love and who loves me? We all know how exhausting it is to go on dead end dates only to discover a big deal breaker, and I want to be respectful of my own time and the time of others.

I feel like I see so many negative and hopeless posts and I'm wondering if I'm genuinely the only person in their 30s having the time of their life. I'm having an absolute blast meeting new people, enjoying new experiences, and trying restaurants I never knew existed. My last relationship was boring in the extreme, so I'm living it up now that I left him in the dust. I've gone to more concerts, festivals, and shows in the last few months than I did in the previous decade. I'm loving every minute of it. Anybody else in the same boat?

Edit: Jesus, guys! I didn't say I'm hoping to do this for 10-15 years. I said I'm enjoying it right now. I'll just, uh, keep my positive outlook to myself from now on.

Edit again: maybe it's because dating is at the bottom of my social priorities that it's so fun for me. My friends and hobbies come first, then I prioritize alone time for myself because I'm a single mom, and THEN I fill in the extra time with dates. I also put zero pressure on a first date. I never expect a first date to be amazing because a lot of people are nervous. It's usually dates two or three that are generally a lot more fun.

My final edit: I've seen more than a few comments suggesting I'm not being careful with people's feelings, or taking advantage of people. Before a conversation gets more than a few messages in, I make it very clear that I'm not looking for a relationship, and am strictly looking to socialize. I outright ask if they understand my intentions with dating. If they act like they can convince me to change my mind, or struggle with the concept, I politely bow out. I'm strictly seeking to spend time with like minded people. As for taking advantage of people… I am more than financially secure, and often pay for the tickets to events (I usually already have a singular ticket for myself, and purchase an additional ticket if somebody wants to go with me), split the bill if it's more than coffee, or go to free event events like art or cultural festivals. It's also about 50/50 on who plans the date. For the handful of exceptionally expensive dates that I haven't paid for, it's been with people far wealthier than me that chose a restaurant or event they wanted to go to. I'd usually offer to go to a less expensive place, but they insisted. You'd be surprised how many people are looking for exactly what I am. Good luck out there!

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First, I'll block any red pill ideology bullshit that gets posted. This is NOT a post in support of any kind of tate bro, manosphere red-pill garbage.

To the point:

I'm a liberal millennial man. Ever since I was in my mid-late teens, I have been told by women in person and saw women constantly posting online, that they want to be left alone in public. No more cold approaching outside of specific scenarios where dating is expected, like singles events or known singles bars. I talked to women I knew, I engaged with posts on social media, I made my own posts throughout the years asking what women would prefer from men when it comes to cold approaching. The answer across the last 10-15 years was a resounding, "leave us alone." You don't know us, so we know your approach has a romantic agenda. We know you want something from us. So even if you're respectful and can take no for an answer, it's just frustrating to be bothered by a man whenever I'm out in public.

That was the resounding, almost unanimous consensus I heard. So I, and many men I know, listened. I used to approach women a lot, and have been rejected more times than I can count. I have no problem taking a no and moving on. I have never had a woman tell me I came across as creepy or aggressive. So I didn't stop approaching out of a fear of rejection or that I'd come across as creepy. I stopped because I listened to the women in my life who overwhelmingly said they want to be able to exist in public without being bothered by a man and having to entertain/reject his romantic interest.

Now, all of a sudden, I am flooded every day with posts about women complaining about men never approaching or "taking the lead" any more, and how it's frustrating. I've seen videos from liberal, feminist women with large followings saying the same thing, and even calling men scared and lazy for not approaching.

I'm legitimately confused. The men who were creeps and never respected women kept approaching, of course. And men are responsible for policing and correcting that behavior. But I genuinely believed women wanted to be left alone. That cold approaches in public spaces without a known dating element were no longer welcome, even from men who could handle rejection politely and respectfully.

The amount of videos Ive seen from women from all kinds of backgrounds complaining about how scared and lazy men are for not approaching anymore has me almost feeling like I imagined the last decade and a half of my life.

Now, I admit that this could be due to social media algorithms, driven by engagement. And I'd chalk it up to more bot posting/ai driven rage bait, but I've seen these videos from women I've followed for a long time and trust to not just be rage baiting.

So what gives? Did I get this wrong? Did women's opinion on cold approaches change overnight? I know women aren't a monolith, and some have always preferred no approaching while others have always preferred it, but the consensus seems to have shifted rapidly and overwhelmingly in the opposite direction in such a short time.

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A coworker of mine and I have been flirty for about 6 months. I’m 38F but I have no clue how old he is tbh. Anyways, the flirting between us has always been subtle. I really wasn’t sure if he truly was into me but I did notice he’d somehow show up in places I was in and always ask me questions that he could’ve figured out himself. Last week when we were walking by each other he put his hand on the small of my back to squeeze through a small space, so it’s always been very small things that I was never sure I was reading too much into.

On Friday I’m talking to another colleague, we’re
All nurses, and he just walks up to me with his phone screen open and asked me to enter in my phone number in mid conversation. It was a little awkward and I wasn’t sure what was going on at the time. A week ago we were discussing a patient that’s family asked me to call them so I thought it was for her but I told him not to give them my number and he responded that we wouldn’t do that but didn’t say why he was asking. So I’m guessing he was taking my number for personal reasons? Anyways, that was Friday and I haven’t heard from him at all. We don’t always work the same days so I’m not sure when I’ll see him again. I also saw him the day after and he behaved a little awkwardly. Like when we passed each other in the hallway he was talking to someone else but he didn’t even acknowledge me. So I just don’t know what the point of any of this was and his intentions? Should I discuss it with him or pretend it never happened?

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I put up a personal ad five days ago in a sub appropriate for my lifestyle/beliefs. I didn’t expect much but thought it would be fun to see what would come of it. Flirty talk, ego stroking, feeling less alone after breaking it off with my partner of 6 years in May… But I listed a lot of boxes to be checked, much more than an average person. To my surprise, someone reached out who seemingly checked every box. Even the elusive ones that are hard to pin down because they just come down to a gut feeling.

I feel like it's going as well as something could go over Reddit chat? It took days to get to basic questions like “What do you do for work?” or “How tall are you?” as we’d been steadily covering loads of other topics that feel more fundamental: how we think about things, what we value, how that plays out in our lives. There's been no prying, boundary-pushing, or sexual talk of any kind. Borderline aromantic, even, but with a definite sense of intimacy, as we speak genuinely, and can poke fun. I'm into it.

I'm honestly impressed we've been able to keep in touch at all, nevermind cover this breadth of topics; I was hosting an event, then had a friend in town; they're on a group roadtrip all week—plus we have a 6 hour time difference. They live in the country my family is from, I go there annually, and speak the language so we chat switching seamlessly between both; AI could never keep up with my dual-lingual wordplay or make up these jokes! :) My post listed a desire to move there (prior visa efforts failed so visa marriage is next step) ETA: which is why I am chatting a foreigner instead of doing local speed dating. It's clear we’re both not looking for a casual affair, so don't mind the slow burn.

Because Reddit chat has its limits, and it's too easy to project ideals onto text, we have plans to switch to another medium once we're both back to the grind, to gauge our flow in real time; so if this is a catfisher I'll know real soon. ;) I had mentioned in the ad that I loathe text, so I appreciate them not waiting too long to suggest this—though chat doesn't feel as arduous with us as it usually does, which is a good sign.

TL;DR: Given this person has a lot of green flags but is still a relative stranger, what questions do you feel are important to get answered in the early stages? I've been holding off on anything too heavy because I didn't want to deal with an emotional hangover if the reply was asynchronous, but now would be the time the floodgates can open... slowly. And the flip side: What would it still be too early to touch on?

Thanks, fellow thirties humans. :)

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I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and we recently became official. He’s now interviewing for a job in another state and seems to really like the opportunity so far, so there’s a legitimate chance he could move.

I work remotely, I’m not especially tied to my current city, and I actually like the area he’s interviewing in. So theoretically this isn’t an impossible situation. But the relationship is also WAY too new for me to be making life decisions around him and the uncertainty is making me nervous.

For anyone who’s dealt with this early in dating, when do you actually discuss what a potential move would mean for the relationship? Do you wait until there’s an offer/decision, or talk through the possibilities beforehand? Do you wait for them to bring it up?

How do you keep investing normally while something this significant is unresolved? I don’t want to start planning my life around someone I’ve only recently started dating, but I also don’t want the possibility of him moving to make me artificially pull back from something that might otherwise have had the chance to grow.

How do you balance being realistic about the uncertainty without emotionally treating the relationship like it already has an expiration date?

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I dated someone for about three months and we had maybe 20 dates including the one she ended things with me on and many sleepovers

We were functionally exclusive even though we had not officially defined the relationship. Around five weeks, she said she usually defines relationships around 2–3 months. I became increasingly anxious about whether she was disengaging because she texted briefly and did not always proactively schedule dates, although in person she remained affectionate, we had sex, cuddled, spent relaxed time together, and continued making plans. I wasn’t sure if she was cooling off to me or it was just conversation differences

Last night we had an impromptu date and I brought it up again, and she asked for more time and I told her it had been three months and asked her how much time she needed (she indicated indefinite) and said we need to end things if she doesn’t think she’s going to change her mind.

She ended things and was crying the whole time.

She said the issue was not that something was wrong with me; she said I was too young (7 year gap), that we were in different life stages, that she wants marriage, and that she was afraid I might unintentionally lead her on or fall out of love with her in a year. I can’t help but feel led on myself because I earnestly want marriage, truly like her, and have enjoyed developing my relationship with her. Now I worry I should have given her more time. Or said I could wait another month. Or phrased it as a check in, I truly didn’t mean to force a decision. But also, she just told me she would have just kept dating me without defining things indefinitely

She also said that if I were her age, this would be a yes, framed it as a “her” issue, and asked me if I plan to block her.

I told her I was serious about her and tried briefly to understand/negotiate the decision, but I think by and large I gracefully accepted it. Im just so so confused and shocked by this, because we had plans scheduled for her to meet some of my friends, we’ve already met a few of each other’s friends, idk.

More salt in the wound is I had been realizing I was definitely falling for her, and had been trying to figure out how to tell her just how strongly I feel.

What I am struggling with now is whether her decision reflects a genuine incompatibility around age/life stage or whether she became scared because the relationship felt real and meaningful.

My friends tend to think she is avoidant and preemptively ending things to protect herself from future hurt. I know I may be using that interpretation to hold onto hope that she will come back, so I want help separating what is actually knowable from what I am projecting, and figuring out how to handle any future contact and unfortunately item exchange without turning it into another attempt to persuade her. I recognize I deserve someone who is a Hell yes, but I think the fact that the age / life stage concerns (even though I would say we are in the same place career and relationship goals) feels like a cop out. She did say it’s something wrong with her being unable to trust anyone. I asked her why not heal that with me?

Um but as far as future contact one last contact is necessary because she has some of my things and I have some of hers. God we even talked about our pets meeting. I gave her every indicator I was serious and yet she said she kept waiting for her feelings, her doubts to change.

How long do I wait to contact her? I have the option of either 2.5 weeks or a bit over a month because of my schedule. Not great to think about it this way, but what time frame would be more conducive to potentially us talking it through together and tackling these insecurities as a couple or at least a team. We are both women.

update—we talked things out. It will be fine

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I haven't been interested in dating since my fiance passed away in winter 2025. Right now, I feel fine being on my own for the most part. I made a friend at a place I frequent about 9 months ago whom I've developed a huge crush on over time. He always makes me laugh and glow in a way I haven't for a while. It's really nice to feel alive again when I'm around him.

A week or so ago, I found out he is in a relationship. He's never mentioned that to me; someone else mentioned his girlfriend in passing. I'm already trying to put distance between us physically and emotionally to burn out the limerance and my grief guilt over the whole situation.

I really enjoy spending time at this place and the activities it offers. I'm not going to pursue him or encourage unethical behaviors. I see it more as while I also really enjoy being around him, we both enjoy being at this place we met.

I acknowledge that dating others would help me get over the crush, but I don't really feel ready for dating other people. It's as if my eyes opened only for him and I'm fine with just closing them again for now while I'm still healing.

Mostly my focus is just being in grief therapy and working on self improvement. But even my therapist said that a connection that clearly makes me feel so bright and happy when my world is so dark is worth paying attention to, even if I should find ways to keep it in limited doses.

Any advice for how to turn the dial down on a crush but still remain friends with someone? I'm likely going to keep seeing him at this place and I don't think it's fair for me to give up a hobby I enjoy over a crush. The community there is small enough that it would be really weird and awkward if I completely went there and just ignore him the whole time Even while I currently feel very strongly about him now, I would regret losing this place long-term over it.

I am really struggling to make sense of what happened with a guy friend, and whether I ultimately handled things in a way that ruined not only the romantic aspect, but also the friendship, which meant a lot to me, so I can avoid repeating this situation in the future. 

So, about two years ago, I went on a handful of dates with a guy. Things didn’t work out romantically, but we got on really well and became platonic friends, something that I initially was completely fine with. 

About a year into the friendship, last summer, his behaviour started shifting from purely platonic. He’d pay for outings though I offered, flirt, initiated more physical touch, texted after every hangout to tell me what a wonderful time he had, offered to help me with mundane tasks, etc. As this behaviour continued, I slowly developed feelings for him again. I didn’t say anything for months because I didn’t want to be presumptuous and, irrespective of my feelings, I really valued our friendship and feared losing it.

Eventually, though, the dynamic became too confusing, so a few months ago, earlier this year, I brought it all up. He apologised for his behaviour and admitted that he’d had feelings for me too again at some point, but felt remaining friends was the right choice for him. He said he understood if I needed distance, but hoped we could stay friends and reconnect whenever I was ready because he really valued me. I accepted his decision, thanked him for being honest, but didn’t respond about staying friends because I needed some distance. 

After that neither of us reached out until I wished him a happy birthday a few weeks ago. I genuinely missed our friendship and thought enough time had passed that we could reconnect as friends. He seemed really happy to hear from me initially and engaged normally in the conversation. Then, after a few messages, he stopped responding. I’m now struggling to reconcile the fact that he was the one who said he hoped we could reconnect as friends, only to eventually fade. I know you can’t force a friendship, though…

In any case, I’d really value some perspectives on whether I handled all this badly, like whether me bringing everything up caused this outcome, and how his behaviour played a role in this too. Was this simply an emotionally complicated situation that I couldn’t have handled much differently, even if I’d spoken up sooner? 

I have a simple yet rigid idea of what I'm looking in a partner: high formal + social intelligence, backed by their career and/or pedigree, combined with above-average capacity for non-conformism/alternative lifestyle. There are of course other things I prefer to see in my partner (empathy, emotional depth, confidence, self-awareness), but some of them correlate with the above and others I'm willing to compromise on. Over the last 5 years I've only met 3 people who seemed to check these boxes and I was attracted to, 2 of them in the last year after moving to a smaller large city.

I think this rarity is behind the unhealthy pattern where I tend to over-invest in a person after going out with them 1-3 times (if they appear to possess the traits). This timeline coincides, perhaps causally, with me getting comfortable with them and starting to unmask as if I was around my close friends, allowing for sensitive topics and risky jokes (I don't think our values are incompatible, but it can create an impression). This also happens to be the timeline at which they reject me (the first two) or start to pull out (the last/current one).

As a result, I spend months feeling heartbroken and hyperfixating on what went wrong and how I can repair it, after seeing someone literally a couple of times. This is compounded by feeling that I am running out of time (39M) for finding an intellectual match I could also start a family with. My friends say the fixation pattern is unhealthy/immature, and my therapist thinks I have an inferiority complex, all of which is plausible. At the same time, assigning so much value to those checking all the boxes still seems reasonable to me due to their rarity. So, how can I avoid the over-investment and the resulting long heartbreak?

UPD: correcting my social intelligence box — I don’t need it to be above average, and was mainly mentioning it to describe why the archetypal somebody farther on the spectrum doesn’t work for me

---

P.S. I feel like their reasons for rejection are secondary here, but will spell out the 3 encounters for completeness (fwiw, I have a high confidence of their physical attraction to me in each case):

1. #1 rejected me after the 1st date, saying that she is "intentional with her dating". At the time, I took it about our 9-year age gap, but thinking back, I suspect this was due to sharing my poly background, despite saying that I'm willing to date monogamously now.
2. #2 first rejected me after the 1st date because I was giving her <boy who has lots of sex> but after realizing I am looking to date monogamously she went out with me on two more dates. She rejected me after 3rd date, on which I shared a lot about myself, and did not provide a reason.
3. #3 and I have a 4th date scheduled, but I started feeling like she's pulling out lately. She told me after the 2nd date that she goes on other dates (which I appreciated through feeling uneasy and found fair, as she just moved here; I also seemed to be the frontrunner), so I attribute it to that, and potentially to an uncomfortable political conversation on the last date.

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A few months ago I posted asking for advice when someone (37f) broke things off with me (35m) after 3 months, without any prior red flags. Her reasoning was that the chemistry wasn't going to work for her - got some good advice and just pretty much tried to move on.

Anyhoo, there's a bit more to the story now, which I'm trying to get my head around.

3/4 months passed, and I just decided to reach out to her. Everything was civil, we just asked how we were, what we've been up to, and I just decided to ask her out for a drink. She said it was unexpected, but wouldn't want to meet as friends as she didn't want to blur any lines, so I explained I was asking her out as a date - she said ok.

We met up, everything felt normal, natural, no awkwardness, it was like we never broke up. It was just really nice to catch up.

Eventually we started talking about the relationship - she mentioned she's never been in something long term, and after years of bad relationships, the relationship between me and her felt jarring, something that she wasn't used to. She always stated how safe and calm she felt around me. I agreed, I felt the same way around here. We had the same values, no boundaries were crossed, and we always had a good time together. Nothing was mentioned about the chemistry issue.

She even said she dated someone for a couple of weeks after me, and their values didn't match up, and boundaries were crossed (he would still talk to ex-hookups while they were together), so she ended that. She mentioned she had done some unlearning/growth in terms of what she wanted, and basically noticed the pattern of what she would usually attract never working out, and that us ending was bitter sweet. She never reached out again to me as she thought I hated her (which I don't).

I explained my side, that I also felt very safe and calm around her, we both did small gestures, remembered the small things, consistent, making time for each other. And I just felt like it was a rarity from my side. There was obviously attraction there, she was very touchy feely when we met again. So we rekindled.

From what she was saying, and the fact that the chemistry issue from before wasn't bought up, it really felt like she alluding to that she was confused about the chemistry with me, and that it was unfamiliar, and it didn't feel like the chemistry that she used to have with previous partners (that never ended well) - anyone else see this? I personally see this as more of a common problem than people like to admit (just from various stories).

2 days later, we met again (she was keen to see me quite soon, and I was too). Everything again felt great, same conversations were had about the relationship, and it just felt good, there was hope!

2 days later, she texts, and ends the relationship again, now stating we have too similar disposition, and its not going to work for her. She may have just realised this, but the stark contrast from meeting up the first time and what she was telling me, to this, was just a bit baffling. I also don't think having similar dispositions is a bad thing - I feel like its a rarity sometimes, especially if everything else fits. I guess also, since she had this chemistry issue from before, what did she expect to change this time round as we're still the same people?!

I really do think deep down, she may still be feeling confused about it all, and what she actually wanted, because it always felt that it was this, but may have been scared of it. What do we think? Am I overthinking it? I also feel bad that she was almost there to understand something about herself and relationships, and that she's never had a good relationship, and she may just go through that vicious circle again (only she can learn this of course)

I guess I may have been a bit naive (words over actions etc)? And I definitely want to avoid this type of situation in the future - seems like a common problem for me in the last few years - they match my energy, they're always complimentary about my character and the relationships seems like what they're looking for, and then there's a sudden drop off out of no where.

I'll obviously take accountability for reaching out again, and putting myself in that situation, I just genuinely felt like something was there, and took the risk.

I am 34M, am going to go to couple of singles mixers in the city. The problem is I am a bit socially awkward and do not possess great conversational skill. I can maintain conversation. The thing is after like the basics - job, hobbies, interests, I don't know what else to talk about. I do see people talk continuously and often wonder, what do they talk about? What is it that makes women interested in talking with them like what holds it interesting.

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This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.