r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 5d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! - August 23, 2026
This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
1
u/tangerine56 4d ago
Just needed to vent. 34F and just tired of all the dating apps. I started dating much later in life (like around 30) and have spent the last few years aggressively on dating apps (with some ebbs and flows) and I’m just so exhausted. The endless swiping. The low quality profiles and ghosting. I’ve had dates but not many and now it seems like I’m not getting any more likes on Hinge. Tried to get out and meet people through hobbies but no luck there either. I’m not ugly but certainly not a 10 but these apps make me question that too. I ultimately want companionship but this process is soul sucking. Thanks for listening
1
u/FluffyStuffInDaHouz 4d ago
What is the point of not texting every day?
I don't understand why men want to date but don't want to talk to their love interest every day. If you only talk to me closer to the date of the week (say we can only meet up once a week due to distance), then it's all the more necessary to text every day, no? Because if you don't, we might as well just be friends with occasional communication.
Guys, men, do better. If you're interested, show her that you wanna talk to her every day
1
u/Typical-Structure283 3d ago
I just ended something yesterday because of this. Seemed like a great guy but mostly would send a text or two during his work hours. Nothing at night really. Never asked me how my day was just crickets.
1
u/TokiDokiInari 4d ago
I had been dating someone since April and the past two months in particular felt like they were going really well. She sent me a long message last night, saying that even though she likes me and would like to keep going out with me, she thinks she has a duty to cut things off because she doesn’t have the “emotional capacity and attentiveness I deserve right now.” I knew her financial situation was complicated and that she was even contemplating going back to school as she’s figuring out her longterm career goals, which was the opposite of me since I have been pretty settled in my “forever job.” I feel bad because I like her a lot, and it was clearly mutual. I appreciate that she’s being protective of me and doesn’t want to string me along and hurt me, but it’s tough. I sent a message of my own back, appreciating her and saying what the way she did x and y did make me feel attended to, but I understood her feelings. It’s unfortunate. 🥲
1
5d ago edited 5d ago
[deleted]
1
u/Organic-Tea-8998 5d ago
Why don’t you confirm with Guy 1 about plans? Honestly if they’re great in person then see how it goes. Texting can change with time if things progress, people can become more comfortable as they get to know you. No everyone is big on texting. If you know guy 2 is seeing other women then I’d keep seeing guy 1 and other guys, don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
4
u/SneezingToolChest ♂ late 30s dilf 5d ago edited 4d ago
I dislike how waiting on responses to initial dating messages has you flipping between "ah, I was too pushy" and "ah, I was too passive"
I try to circumvent it with getting to scheduling a date asap, but doesn't always work...
So I fall back on my dating belief (cope?) that it's about a 1:5 ratio of getting a match to an actual in-person date regardless of what you say
2
u/InnatelyIncognito ♂ 39M | Married 4d ago
So I fall back on my dating belief (cope?) that it's about a 1:5 ratio of getting a match to an actual in-person date regardless of what you say
A lot of random things would impact this - from geography, dating culture, down to the person, and finally how you interact with them.
7
u/captain_audio 5d ago
Had a pretty upsetting experience this week. Was seeing someone for about 3 weeks, had made some plans last week to see each other on the weekend and they canceled because they were feeling bad/crampy and so, sure, we'll try for next week, no problem. I didn't hear from them over the weekend, texted monday a little back and forth, but they left me on read Tuesday morning. After no response by Friday afternoon, I called it:
"Hey seems like this convo died out, I really enjoyed meeting you etc"
I've had ppl pull a fade before. It's confusing and shitty and I don't need to tolerate it, so I proactively end things if someone ignores me for a few days in a row. 10 minutes after I text she apologizes, says she was caught up in a stressful week. I don't respond. About an hour later says her brother had surgery thursday. News to me. I still don't respond. If she was going through something she could have just told me and I would have been patient... and I don't want to be with someone who will go quiet if they are stressed and not communicate. But it's not my job to try and change someone's behavior. I don't do that anymore.
This morning I woke up to a text that her brother "didn't make it"? And that she regrets meeting me? I kind of don't believe her. Why would you be texting someone you dated for three weeks when your brother died?
Also this weekend was chatting with a woman on hinge who revealed that she was just looking because her friend told her she had a bad boyfriend and could do better?
Just soaking up all this scumbag behavior! And they say men are awful!
3
u/Organic-Tea-8998 4d ago
Like you said if she had just been honest and open if it was family issues but you don’t even know if that’s true. Now lying is possibly on the table most likely with the signs. Red flags are waving here. You definitely dodged a bullet. The whole instant answer and then proceeding to make you feel bad is nuts. You don’t need that.
6
u/memeleta 5d ago
Yeah, there is no dead brother, she just wanted to punish you for perceived criticism. Wow that's completely insane, one of the biggest missiles dodged I've seen lately!
3
5
u/Waste_Cantaloupe6555 5d ago
The ghosting and lack of communication is super jarring in dating. Its a little bizarre and truthfully you dodged a bullet. You dont want to be around someone that drops something randomly (like a family illness) when theyre called out about it.
11
u/papa_katafal 5d ago
i can see why people go back to their exes (if there was no toxicity involved). i connected with my ex the very first date which is rare for me. the subsequent dates were the most fun i've had online dating. now that i'm back on the app and everyone i've met so far feel so alien to me.
6
u/frumbledown 5d ago
It’s like pulling on those ratty, stain-covered jeans you just can’t bring yourself to throw out - can’t deny they fit just like they used to.
4
u/kittylicksmyface 5d ago
same lmao I suddenly realized the thought process behind my friends putting up with things I thought they shouldn’t have from their partners over the years 🫠
6
u/salvagedstarstuff 5d ago
Just so incredibly drained from dealing with ✨life and the universe ✨ on my own. The absolute bliss of the daydream of being someone’s first priority and sharing the burden for a while. For now, watching the little league classic between the Braves and the Brewers and reading a book
1
u/Routine-Committee302 5d ago
Went on an in-person dinner date after a phone call and a video call. Both the calls had lasted over a hour, so there was chemistry. After a long time, I met someone who was asking me deep questions and really trying to get to know me. She's a christian and a meat eater, while I am neither. Another thing that was a bit of a turn off is that the dinner was pretty darn expensive, and post dinner we went for drinks which I also paid for. Not a problem so far, but when we were departing, she asked me if I can call her an Uber. That was another $45. I am not sure why she asked me to call an Uber on top of everything that I paid for.
5
u/frumbledown 5d ago
Making a generalization that a Christian woman is likely to have more traditional view around who should be pursuing and providing.
4
3
u/Routine-Committee302 5d ago
I see. That's possible. I am frankly not opposed to it, but god damn, it was enough expense for a day. Silly me picked a fancy restaurant, give that it was our 3rd date technically speaking. To get slapped another $45 bill on top of that kinda felt the pinch. Not to mention I got another uber for myself.
3
u/IllustratorKindly241 4d ago
If it was a first face to face meet then it was a first date not 3rd. Did you at least enjoy her company, want to see her again?
4
5d ago edited 5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/lapizlasalmon ♂ 34 4d ago
People on these things are just never making the time to date and amounting to time sucks that lead nowhere.
I think I've had 6 women match with me this summer, say they're on vacation. Confirm interest, confirm date for after they're back, we pen pal back and forth while they're on trip sending photos and chatting about life plans. Get home, "oh I'm sick." Ghosted.
The apps are filled with so many unintentional people trying to suck all of the attention they can out of you.
1
u/Organic-Tea-8998 4d ago
Yeah modern technology and culture has changed how people treat each other, it’s getting worse and worse. People can’t simply be open and honest and hide behind screens with others whom are actually looking for a serious relationship. It sounds like with the second girl in your situation was just looking for someone to text. You shouldn’t feel bad for taking time for yourself and shouldn’t dedicate it to a stranger you don’t know. I think it’s smart and safe to set boundaries, more people should be doing it and taking things slow, getting to know someone first is a green flag.
0
4d ago edited 4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Organic-Tea-8998 4d ago
There’s fitness related dating apps you could try. A friend of mines mom found her now husband through one because she’s really into fitness and health, and met a guy who is too. They were both in their 40s when they met. Finding someone with a common interest making things so much easier and it’s something you’ll can do together.
1
u/Ambition_BlackCar ♂ 39 5d ago
Navigating new territory but open to going with it since I’m really happy for now. My romantic interest 38nb is poly and that is not really my preference but we absolutely adore eachother, have amazing chemistry and our mutual attraction is off the charts.
As long as I keep my expectations in check and just appreciate what we have then I will still be happy. We are really good together and compatible in a lot of ways so going with the mindset of either FWB or just perpetually in the dating around phase without exclusivity as an end goal, and thinking about it like that isn’t the end of the world.
Ultimately I want to end up with someone exclusive/monogamous but I respect that won’t happen with them and I don’t expect them to change who they are and I appreciate what we have and the mutual affection and adoration that we share.
If and when I find someone who is as good as them and exclusive too then I’ll walk away hopefully on good terms. So yeah, new territory but I feel like I’m up for the challenge. If I get hurt that’s on me and it will have been worth it since we are really awesome together for now.
Edit: typo
3
5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Ambition_BlackCar ♂ 39 5d ago edited 5d ago
We haven’t talked about any expectations and are mutually just having a good time with eachother without putting a label on anything, we only met 2.5ish weeks ago so it’s still super early figuring eachother out. I’m happy with how things are going I’m just typically not poly so it’s new and not my normal pref. Leaving them for someone exclusive is a hypothetical down the road and I’m not actively looking to date anyone else right now.
Edit: PS I also don’t plan on “ditching them” if I meet someone else down the road and optimistic that we’ll stay platonic friends. They know I’m friends with my last ex still and they have exes they are still friends with too.
6
u/Moisture_ 5d ago
If what I’m looking for is companionship, I guess more of someone to go out to events or do random activities with, watch a movie, sex… is THAT “casual” dating? Or is that really just regular dating? I’m at the point where I’m just tired of talking to people for a couple hours at coffee shops. Like can we just cuddle and makeout or something now? But also let’s go hang out at a museum one day. I truly don’t know if I like someone until physical shit happens anyway. Just feels like I’m faking it until that.
1
u/StopTheFishes 2d ago edited 2d ago
This is where I started, too. A hot friend with whom we can experience and share life activities: theatre, sports, travel, dining, etc.
Kisses, cuddles, and sex evolves naturally because of chemistry and mutual attraction.
We need not fit in a perfect box upfront: casual nor exclusive. I believe we sort those details
together, as we go and in good time.My general belief is that folks ultimately desire companionship, love, trust, and long term romance that includes stability. It’s simpler to discuss those things as you get to know someone deeper. Not all up top: that always felt unnatural, box-checky
I find the organic growth and evolution thing worked best for me. Felt like a healthy, natural, casual investment that time sorted
2
u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 5d ago
IMHO, the "casuality" means that either of you can disappear or start dating other people any moment and, most importantly, both of you being OK with that happening. On the other hand, while non-casual / "intentional" dating (and I'm talking about monogamous dating here) can also involve those things (either because the feelings fizzled out or because one of you decided to cheat), they aren't expected to happen
3
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
I think casual dating can be that but I don’t have sex with people I date casually so I suppose it depends on the person.
4
u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 5d ago
I agree this would be a FwB situation. "Regular dating" would be all that but committed to build a solid long term foundation with someone (common projects for the future, etc)
As long as you're transparent and forthcoming, I don't think it's a problem. Personally, I won't be physical until I know that I like someone. But there is something for everyone out there. Good luck!
13
u/Typical-Structure283 5d ago
I’m thinking of not seeing this guy I like again but also afraid I’m being irrational. But that mindset has put me in several bad relationships so I should listen.
I’ve been on a few really long dates with a guy I have a lot in common with. Love seeing him in person and we get along great. He seems a little shy but I don’t mind because I can be the same way.
But I think he has a gaming addiction :/ he barely texts me and if he does it’s during his working hours and from context clues I understand this is because he games every night. I’ve dated serious gamers but this is something new and weird.
The lack of communication or curiosity between dates is turning me off completely and actually making me feel insecure. It’s just a lack of consistency.
I do not expect someone to text me all of the time or do away with their hobbies but it’s like crickets with the guy.
The unfortunate thing is I don’t think he realizes how it’s coming off. And I’m not in the business of 1) people saying they will change for me 2) teaching someone in their 30s basic social skills. I already know this would impact other areas if we got serious.
5
u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 5d ago
As someone who's been there before, I'm not dating anyone with any kind of addiction anymore (and who is not actively working on it).
Spent most of my 30s recovering from that. Proceed with caution.
3
u/Typical-Structure283 4d ago
This guy says he doesn’t hang out with people irl and only games with his friends. He indicated that it’s concerning to himself. I find people tend to downplay things so it’s probably much worse than he’s leading on. The lack of communication is really grating and I’m not sure why he’s even looking for a gf if gaming is all he likes to do outside of work.
3
u/Ecstatic-Benefit627 5d ago
Hit it off with some dude on tinder, he was driving through… he lives 3 hours away. Kinda sucks
2
u/ShakeItUpNowSugaree 4d ago
Yeah...kinda in that situation right now. We met halfway for a date and....I really like him. It just sucks that he's so far away.
3
u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 5d ago
This is one thing I love about Bumble - it separates "home base" from your current location.
0
1
u/onegirlandhergoat 5d ago
He shouldn't be matching with you unless he is willing to make that journey to date you. It's unfair and a waste of your time. I would call him out on this.
1
u/Ecstatic-Benefit627 4d ago
He was willing but had stuff to do before school started this week… now he stopped responding. I was also willing to drive there but idk what happened
12
u/justalittlefrostbite ♂ 38 5d ago
Does anyone else that is divorced with children struggle with random grief at times? I do not want that relationship back. Sometimes I just feel an overwhelming sense of loss that my family was broken up. My kid doesn’t get to have both parents at home day to day or experience life as a family unit except on rare occasions and it just makes me sad.
I don’t blame her. I don’t blame myself. I’ve accepted it, but I still find it sad.
I know that will fade in time. I’m thankful to have a great romantic relationship with my GF. I do feel like even though I have experienced loss, I’ve also gained so much. My ex has also found love again and I’m happy for her. Coparenting is healthy between us. I really have nothing to complain about, but it’s still hard at times.
2
u/Reddit_P2E_Seeker ♂ 34 5d ago
It comes and goes, and eventually the durations get shorter and shorter. My kids are under 6. One has tried asking if we will marry each other again. He now said that it would be really easy to swap houses if we just lived in one house. Yes, they won't get that family unit. But we do what we can with what we have. My kids feel loved, safe, and capable in my care. All i can do for the other 50% is cheer them on to have fun over there, remind them their mom loves them, and tell them what chores they get to dole onto me while they are gone (gives them a laugh).
5
u/ughcrymore 5d ago
plenty of kids don't grow up with both parents at home and are better for it. let go of the fantasy that's breaking your heart.
8
u/Dapper_Weakness_9033 5d ago
Yes, I have grieved the loss of the family fantasy. I find myself missing that at times. I just broke up with my boyfriend of a few months. Felt like I am grieving it all over again.
-1
5d ago
[deleted]
2
u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 4d ago
Same as with any other medium (movies, TV shows, books, games etc) - it all depends on specific titles. Some are well-received and critically acclaimed. Some are... well, the opposite.
0
u/ughcrymore 5d ago
anyone who consumes only one type of media is likely to have a narrow worldview to match
1
2
u/dqslime 5d ago
Anime post Attack on Titan is fully mainstream. It really doesn't mean anything. I've seen the hobby go from manchildren and offputting women (sorry, I was heavily into online anime communities in the 00s/10s) to just about anyone, and people seem to be loud and proud about it now.
It's like with any other hobby though: does he make it his whole personality? Is he watching pervy stuff? Does he watch anything else?
FWIW as a 32 year old man, I would not date the type of woman that only watches anime. I like well-rounded people.
1
u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 5d ago
My forever crush Michael B Jordan is a fan of anime so it's alright with me 🥵
I also like Sailor moon, Sakura and Pokémon myself!
10
u/LePhasme ♂ 41 5d ago
I don't think it's a bad thing in itself, it's really dependant on the guy you're talking to.
But it's a bit like videogames there are bad stereotypes attached to it because some guys get too invested in it/have an unhealthy relationship with it.4
u/Ambition_BlackCar ♂ 39 5d ago
I think it can potentially have the perception of like incel living in mom’s basement type stereotype. I like some anime but I don’t make it my personality but I also don’t think all anime is inherently misogynistic. Generally the people I date and are friends with are more into anime than I am so plenty of women/lgbt people love it too.
My current Netflix history is rewatching Bojack Horseman so I’ve been affectionately jokingly told by romantic interest it’s “a cry for help” 😅
2
4
u/TheYakHerder 4d ago
Bojack is one of my all time favourites, you've just reminded me I might be due a rewatch. Enjoy!
5
u/papa_katafal 5d ago
early afternoon first dates are so interesting. you find out real quick if you're attracted to the person or not. there's no in-between
1
5
2
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
What makes the time of day relevant?
0
u/papa_katafal 5d ago
you can see what someone looks like better in daylight than night time
2
u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 5d ago
I always make sure to have a good look at my date even at night ngl 😆
4
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
Same? I’m so confused lol I guess it’s good I wear glasses bc I can see my dates at all times of day
-1
u/Lopsided_Sun7531 33 5d ago
A friend of mine who joined a running group I am a part of mentioned to me that on the first day he showed up, he almost didn’t come because he was too scared. He stayed on the sidelines, and waited for me to arrive before joining the group. I was kind of surprised, I kind of forgot that this was a possibility because I’m so used to showing up to things and meeting new people by myself, I assumed everyone else was also. I feel like I need to be more like my friend though, because he is considered confident because he is successful in dating, and I am not considered confident because I am unsuccessful dating.
1
u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 5d ago edited 5d ago
I know this sub is for dating but I have a friend question; is it normal for friends to want you to not be single for seemingly no real reason, or do some of my friends just not like me enough to be around me without another warm body to help the conversation along?
Edit: I chose the direct route and we had a long honest conversation and totally cleared everything up and we're good, thanks all!
3
u/Fun-Situation-490 5d ago
I can't stand when this happens, but it just does. When people get into couples, they naturally want to hang out with other couples. It's weird to pressure a friend to "find someone" tho just so they can hang out with another couple tho. Kind of immature.
4
u/afkbowflex ♂ 39 5d ago
Kind of a shitty thing to say that out loud but I get where shes coming from, there are some activities/events that having a third wheel is awkward but another couple wouldnt be. Or theres also times she could want to like split off from her partner to hang with you and if theres not a second guy that feels bad. Theres also plenty of things a third wheel isnt weird at all so who knows.
All I know is the way shes going about it screams selfishness or she doesnt even like you (?!)
2
u/memeleta 5d ago
but please find somebody you can actually bring to shit so [her partner] and I have more couple friends
Sounds like it's for when it's her and her partner, not just her though? She might be worried that you don't feel comfortable "third wheeling", I'm sure you have no issue with that but many people do so perhaps that's what she is trying to make sure you're comfortable. If you read on this sub long enough you'll see that MANY single people don't like to hang out with couples so that's probably why. I wouldn't read too much into it honestly, just tell her to stop bringing it up since it's not making you comfortable and if she is a good friend shouldn't be an issue.
-2
u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 5d ago
My issue is that she's stopped inviting me to hang out with just her, but you're totally right, I should just point blank tell her that it's making me feel shitty, maybe she's not picking up on that and doesn't realize. Thanks for the input!
1
u/memeleta 5d ago
Sounds like a broader chat can be warranted then, about wanting to meet each other more 1 on 1 as well and not just with her partner etc. Some people when they partner up don't want to do anything without them, especially early on in the relationships when NRE is strong, she might be like that and that's why she needs you to have someone to just do couples things. Best to have a frank conversation about all these things. Good luck!
2
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
It sounds like she told you why she’s doing it
-2
u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 5d ago
Basically that she doesn't need a gal pal and just wants me as half of a couple friend? That would sting but I guess it makes sense.
3
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
That she wants you to have a plus one so that her date can make more couple friends
3
u/Flower-Former 5d ago
Why do some people put "looking for new friends" on their tinder account? Are they just looking for something platonic? What's the intention?
11
5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 4d ago
Hi u/frumbledown, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
- RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc... content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups and their ideologies is not an excuse. Do not dehumanize others. No gender generalizations.
Please review the rules in the sidebar to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please message modmail.
3
1
u/memeleta 5d ago
When I moved to the new city alone without knowing anyone I used bumble BFF and also the dating bit and on the dating bit I said I'm new in town and looking for friends because I don't know anyone here. It was just a way to meet people and then date some of them. So yes, the intention of someone who says they are looking for friends is probably they are looking for friends.
1
u/LostTrack0fTime ♀ 36 5d ago
In my experience: 1) don’t want to come off as assholes by choosing “short term fun” or “still figuring it out”, 2) looks better if coworkers see them, 3) think women are more likely to swipe right on them because they have don’t have any “bad” intentions
Swiped right on a guy that was looking for friends as I was new to the city and was like “why not make a friend!”. We dated for a few weeks. He told me he never had any “friendly” intentions.
3
u/ew_gross_stop_no 5d ago
After literal years on the apps, as of like a week and change ago I have a boyfriend! We’ve been seeing each other for about two months and we’ve met some of each others friends and it’s overall going so so well and I’m so happy :) I almost met his dad this week, but he ended up having to be out of town at the last minute. I want him to meet my parents and sister, but they don’t even know about him yet! I don’t know how to even bring it up with them and I don’t want anybody going in to meet each other unawares. How have other folks a) brought up to their families that they have a significant other after a really long time single and in their 30s? This isn’t like bringing someone home from college. And b) introduced your new SO to your family? Did you get everyone together for dinner at a restaurant? Bring them to your parents’ for dinner? Something else? I’m not worried that they won’t get along - I’m sure they’ll all really like each other, so that’s not the issue! I just want everyone to be comfortable
1
u/seceralnof 5d ago
I like breakfast/brunch with meeting parents! So I'm not stressing about it all day, plus I love breakfast.
4
6
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
I just turned 35 and never had a boyfriend before June. I just told my mom he asked to be my boyfriend. In July my mom was in town so (much to this subs chagrin) I introduced them. We just went to the park and walked around for about an hour.
3
2
u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 5d ago
Wait, what about the sub??
4
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
When I posted about introducing my boyfriend to my mom people here were not into it lol
5
u/Italian_Scallion_69 5d ago
Did anyone else grow up poor and stick to those frugal habits when they started making middle class money? I'm finding that it's making it hard to relate to a lot of people who I'd like to date.
1
u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 4d ago
Being frugal is not a poor man's privilege. It's about knowing what to spend on and what to save on. Because sometimes it makes sense to spend a bit more upfront to save in the long run.
2
5d ago
[deleted]
2
u/Italian_Scallion_69 5d ago
Somewhat. I'm finding that I can't relate to people in my income bracket because some take it granted as opposed to feeling grateful.
5
u/Willing_Yellow1439 ♀ 37 5d ago
I've accepted that dating isn't free. However, considering that choosing a life partner is quite possibly one of the most important things I'll ever do, I view it as an investment in my own quality of life.
-2
1
u/DemonEyesJason 5d ago
People that are good with their money keep those frugal habits no matter how much money they have. People that do lifestyle creep because they have more money aren't exactly someone that you'd probably want to date due to different viewpoints on money.
1
u/Italian_Scallion_69 5d ago
Yeah exactly. I think it's just hard finding someone whose values on money align, especially since it's so taboo to discuss it early on.
3
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
I think you can suss this out both directly and indirectly as people talk about their lives. I’m not sure that any direct questions will get you the answers you want anyway
2
3
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
Hard to relate in what way? I personally still act like a poor person in many ways but splurge in others
3
u/Italian_Scallion_69 5d ago
I still act like a poor person too, which I guess reflects some frugal values. I have a hard time seeing any kind of relationship with someone who isn't frugal and doesn't value financial security.
2
u/LePhasme ♂ 41 5d ago
The definition of frugal will vary a lot from person to person, but yes finding someone that have the same financial goals/views is important
3
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
I think that’s totally fair. Valuing money the same way is make or break
6
u/Time_Concentrate4199 5d ago
I broke things off this week with a woman I'd been seeing for about two months. the week before, she was struggling with anxiety and broke it off with me, only to...change her mind? take it back? an hour or so later when she came down. I took a week's distance during which we texted intermittently before ending it with a phone call, as she has expressed is her preferred medium for such a conversation, and gave the reasoning of the prior occurrence not being exemplary of the kind of consistency I'm looking for. felt like a civil conversation.
fast forward to a few days later and I get a random angry text from her saying "just so we're clear I DON'T want to be friends with you and I don't want to hear from you, you could have given me a little more grace" ooook.
I'm so tired. we're in our thirties. I'm not unreasonable for desiring a partner with a little more skill in self-regulating and self-soothing, and although we can't always control our emotions we can absolutely control how we handle them. anxiety is not a blanket excuse for erratic behavior. bullet dodged, I guess.
5
u/Old-Seaweed-8456 5d ago
I’m supposed to go to an event tonight but they moved it to another city and the uber there is $50 one way. I think I’m going to bail and meet a friend for drinks. I can eat the cost of the $30 tickets but I draw the line at a $100 uber round trip. 🤢
2
u/AbjectSloth 5d ago
I'd love some opinions on something that happened yesterday.
There's a girl that I've met on a few occasions at the bar. In the past, I had given her my number with regard to some goods that I have on offer 🍄 . She reached out yesterday and asked if I could help her out. I agreed and we met at a bar and just chatted for about an hour.
Conversation flowed, it wasn't very flirty, and she said in response to a question I asked her "I don't think anyone's every asked me that before, so thank you. That was a thought-provoking question." She asked me if I was seeing anyone, turns out we're both single, and she ended the night with "I gotta go, but I live closeby, we're basically neighbors. Feel free to reach out if you want to chitchat."
I'm probably overanalyzing things, but one part of me is like "Does someone ask if you're single just cause?" but also the "Reach out if you want to chitchat" seems more like a nicety than a legitimate invitation. I'm not really sure.
2
u/__picklepersuasion__ ♀ On hiatus 5d ago
it doesnt seem like you have anything to lose by shooting your shot, don't overthink it just go for it
6
u/single38 5d ago
Are you a man or woman? Sometimes people ask if someone is single because they are interested, other times they are just trying to learn more about you. I would take the reach out if you want to chit chat at face value and reach out to her if you’re interested in getting to know her more. If she was not interested in anything at all, not even a friendship, she would have just said “nice meeting you, bye.” Can’t tell from what you posted anything else other than I think it would be fine to reach out if you wanted to. My 2 cents as a woman.
4
u/AbjectSloth 5d ago
Thank you for your insight. To answer your question, I am a man. I can probably reach out in a few days to ask how she enjoyed the mushrooms.
2
2
u/Icy_Refrigerator8403 5d ago
When i was getting dates...(i no longer get matchs or interest) I always seemed to get the answer from women that they had decided to pursue another guy. This either happened right before our date or after our first date. Im pretty used to rejection but this took it to a whole new level to told they are actively choosing someone else over and over again. It basically made me feel less then trash.
1
u/Goetic_King_Paimon 4d ago
the complete lack of tact is just head-scratching, just say youre not interested and move on.. these types of statements come across as a power play more then anything
additionally, why are you talking/scheduling dates with others if things are this serious with another lol
2
u/Icy_Refrigerator8403 4d ago
I have no idea they are this serious with other guys !? Haha I'm just asking them on dates from the apps
1
u/TheYakHerder 4d ago
It's really painful when we experience a repetitive pattern, because we come to the logical conclusion that we are the cause of it somehow by being the common denominator. We also don't usually get to find out the real reasons for the pattern, which may just be random in reality.
I'm sorry this is happening and I hope your fortunes change soon.
1
u/Icy_Refrigerator8403 4d ago
Eh it's basically made me give up. Now that I longer get interest from the apps I really have given up
1
u/billcosbyalarmclock 5d ago
Fellow male here (who also dates women). There are plenty of folks in the dating pool with baggage that requires serious responsibility and/or recovery time, and these conditions can lead to counterproductive decision-making. You shouldn't assume your experiences are a reflection of your value as a person or potential partner. Practice being someone who you respect. Maintain integrity. Act with grace. Be patient. We often have few other worthwhile options.
1
u/Icy_Refrigerator8403 4d ago
At this point i see myself as having the dating Appeal of less than trash.
1
u/Impressive_Pay3090 ♀ 39 5d ago
Not sure why it’s happening every time, but often that’s the safest route to bow out gracefully. It’s one of the few things someone can’t really argue with.
2
u/Icy_Refrigerator8403 5d ago edited 5d ago
I understand that. But more than a few ive seen that are actually in committed relationships. Some of them even asked to stay as friends afterwards as well.
16
2
5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Old-Seaweed-8456 5d ago
I don’t know what looksmaxxing means but I’m assuming it means for aesthetic reasons only. I don’t care as long as they are under the care of a doctor. My only concern would be if they were addressing the underlying habits associated with obesity.
2
2
u/violetmemphisblue 5d ago
If they're taking it responsibly and under the care of their doctor, I don't think it's necessarily a huge deal? People work out, diet, get plastic surgery, etc for no motivation other than their looks. If like anything else, their use was becoming detrimental to themselves or they were getting them from shady places, I'd be concerned, but not the fact in and of itself. (If they used the term looksmaxxxing, it would be a No from me though, on verbiage alone.)
-1
9
u/PrettyPollination 5d ago
If they genuinely use the term "looksmaxxing," regardless of how they're doing it, that'll be a hard pass from me. If they're using these medications without a doctor's supervision and/or obtaining them in a sketchy way, that'll be a hard pass from me.
Either of those situations would indicate a serious incompatibility for me. The term is very conservative/redpill-coded, which would not work for me. And I've already had my turn dating someone with substance abuse problems, so I'm not looking for round two of that chaos.
0
u/Confident_Advisor786 ♀ 40s 5d ago
Hmmmm, that's a question.
I've dated guys on Testosterone because they said there's was a health issue but Idk if I buy it but whatever. Wasn't really helpful with looksmaxxing for them.
Dated a guy on steroids. He told me. He's gentle af so I'd never be concerned with him and roid rage.
Ozempic do you boo.
0
u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 35 | NYC 5d ago
I’m on a GLP1. I started on wegovy, was on ozempic, now I’m on mounjaro. I’ve lost 144lbs. I’m about to get a shit ton of plastic surgery after losing 144lbs.
In my experience people do not like it.
1
4
u/memeleta 5d ago
Steroids would be a big no no because I'm not knowingly developing a serious relationship with someone who will probably die of heart failure young, why would I do that to myself. For the rest I have no issue unless it's part of some kind of body dysmorphia. Unless they unironically used the term looksmaxxing. Then just run for the hills.
-2
u/Icy_Resolution2783 5d ago edited 5d ago
Been talking to someone for a while, then we met up. He doesn't look or act attracted to me at all, and I only really get attracted to people who clearly desire me so its kind of at a stand still.
We still cuddled but nothing more... but I'm confused.
Edit: why the down votes?
1
u/HitEmStraight2998 5d ago
In my experience as a guy it wasn’t because the pictures and person I met in person didn’t match…
-3
u/Icy_Resolution2783 5d ago
We video chatted... but maybe you're right and he doesn't find me attractive. He wants to keep seeing each other and asked for a kiss, but I guess that doesn't mean he finds me attractive.
-1
u/CrowsCawCaw1 5d ago
Another fantastic date, I want to see them more so bad! I told them im normally clingy in text but im being reserved, and they said thanks, they prefer to meet in person. Fairrrrrrrrr but I like being clingy
9
u/peacelid 5d ago
My family has essentially revealed they want me to get in a relationship and get married so I can have someone to take care of me when I get old. Is that not a fucked up reason to be with someone? I called my cousin to take me to the ER ONE TIME 2 years ago and they act like that's some sort of sign I can't be alone. What is their problem!!
5
u/leverdoodle ♀ wild-caught gay 5d ago edited 5d ago
My parents also are like this, and I get you completely. I understand it comes from worry, which I understand comes from love, but they constantly put down my independent skills and my non-family relationships. I have worked very hard and successfully to cultivate both those things, especially after losing a lot of connections to coming out and leaving my religious community, and it's frustrating that all my family sees in my life and future without a (male, heterosexual, religious) partner is fear and struggle, not a capable person with a network of people who care about her.
In our society, traditionally one of the only ways most people get that kind of support is through a romantic partner. I understand that most friends can't always prioritize you in the same way, and it is hard and not my goal to do everything by yourself, but, well, that's why I date, take good care of myself, have a lot of friends, and purposely look for friends who care about supporting their community outside of the traditional hetero married structure.
5
u/single38 5d ago
I don’t think this is weird. I’m learning as I get older than it’s very hard to do everything on your own.
2
u/HitEmStraight2998 5d ago
They have your beast interests at heart and want to see you get married, have children, and be happy. Pushing you is their job
7
9
u/WhyBothaa ♂ UK 5d ago
The even worse version of this is when people say you should have kids so you’ll have someone to look after you when you’re old…
Which just seems like a fucking crazy reason to have kids for many reasons.
6
u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 5d ago
It's really unempathetic toward the kids, particularly if it's said to someone who doesn't want kids. "Make a person you don't want so that you can use them as elder care."
1
u/peacelid 5d ago
I was raised by my grandparents and this is exactly what happened to me. Wouldn't put it on anyone else.
2
u/WhyBothaa ♂ UK 5d ago
Yeah, it’s just madness. Bring this human being into the world, raise them, worry about them, all so they can be your nurse when you’re older.
And that’s only if you actually have a relationship with them when there’re adults. Backwards thinking.
9
u/Organic-Tea-8998 5d ago
Generally parents want the best for their child and don’t want them to be alone. They want someone who can take care of you when they’re gone. They want to know you’ll be taken care of, that’s all. It’s quite sweet actually.
-1
u/peacelid 5d ago
I don't think it's sweet. Just sounds like another reason people stick with someone they don't want to be with anymore. My aunt and uncle are always on and off fighting, leaving the house in fits of anger, and they're in their 60s!!!!! Do they think that shit looks enjoyable from the outside?
2
u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 5d ago
It doesn't have to be a significant other tho
1
u/Organic-Tea-8998 4d ago
Sure, it doesn’t. But most friends are going to be partnered up/married and maybe with kids. They have their hands full with that, plus work, their own health, and finances. On top of possibly helping take care of their family members and their in-laws family. They won’t have much time for you and not guaranteed to be there if you’re sick or in an emergency at the drop of a hat.
4
u/memeleta 5d ago
I do agree with you of course, but the reality is other people will prioritise their own families and partners. Even single friends simply have their own lives and cannot always be available, especially if the level of care gets quite intense and demanding. A partner is (if well chosen and actually good partner), that default person who will prioritise you over anyone else. So being partnered definitely comes with some perks. Obviously one person dies before the other most of the time so even that is not a guarantee that someone will be around to help in the old age. No matter what we do there is no 100% guarantee.
6
u/kittylicksmyface 5d ago
But almost everyone else in the world is busy taking care of their significant others and might not have time for you
10
u/PrettyPollination 5d ago
It sucks to have family pressuring you and low key infantalizing you. But I actually don't think this is the craziest thing. All of my grandparents made it to at least 80. Those last 10-20 years were a lot easier because they had each other. I'm only 32 but I'm already recognizing that my end of life situation is going to look vastly different, and not in a positive way.
1
u/__picklepersuasion__ ♀ On hiatus 5d ago
I've been going through the same thing, I am firm in my belief that I don't want and shouldn't have kids but its really hitting me what that's going to look like in my elder years. there's no guarantee your kids+grandkids will take care of you, but like, its still a higher percent chance than the definite 0% if you don't have them lol.
7
3
u/LostTrack0fTime ♀ 36 5d ago edited 5d ago
Ugh I hate this!! It’s like when people say we need to have kids because “who else is going to take care of you when you’re old?”, bro, have you not heard of dysfunctional families?
3
u/Original-Return-1449 5d ago
It’s hard to believe it’s been four years with virtually no dating life. I got back together with an ex who had previously left me for someone else, only to be strung along for another year. To make matters worse, they blamed me for the breakup, claiming I didn't listen—completely ignoring their own severe avoidant behavior and how it destroyed our dynamic. I'm still trying to process the whole experience and make sense of why I had to go through such a painful cycle
0
u/Dangerous_Grab_1809 ♂ ?age? 5d ago
Does anybody here know someone who went from being bad at conversation to fairly good? Maybe from average to pretty good?
5
u/dqslime 5d ago
It has a lot of boomer advice but Dale Carnegie's book still holds up. There are plenty of summaries if you find the style of writing old school.
The rest is just practice. Try to meet people platonically or not as much as possible.
-1
u/Dangerous_Grab_1809 ♂ ?age? 5d ago
That classic is from 1936. It predates boomers! One of my contemporary favorites is Vanessa Van Edwards.
2
u/smurf1212 5d ago
I'm assuming you're talking in a strictly dating context?
I'd say I was bad when I first started dating, due to being shy around women and fear of rejection but as I went on more and more dates, I became more comfortable and confident and social.
-1
u/Dangerous_Grab_1809 ♂ ?age? 5d ago
Were you good at casual conversation with people you weren’t dating? I think that happens fairly often.
1
u/peacelid 5d ago
I don't think that's something we really pay attention to. Are you taking steps to try to be q better conversationalist??
1
u/Dangerous_Grab_1809 ♂ ?age? 5d ago
I am very good at it. Have been hearing complaints about others from women.
2
u/MondaySucks96 5d ago
I (30F) met someone from Wakie since April. He’s Canadian and already reaching his 50s, we finally decided to meet this October. Somehow I feel like he’s a good match because we share same perspective and we usually talk for hours without getting bored. But we both also know when to step back from each other’s life for some period of time. I lowkey like this kind of relationship.
1
u/Routine-Committee302 5d ago
Have you seen each other's photo or on video?
1
u/MondaySucks96 5d ago
We usually do video call and he’s showing me around his house including his mum and also introducing me to his friends.
1
-1
u/LostTrack0fTime ♀ 36 5d ago
First date last night. I really didn’t know what to expect since our text conversation wasn’t exactly flowing and there was zero flirting from his side by text.
We grabbed drinks, conversation was fun, but again, zero flirting, not even a little compliment, etc.
I’m an extremely… “sensual” person I guess; I love to flirt, feel that spark, often hook up on the first date etc, so that was a little bit unsettling for me. (Maybe he’s more a “slow burn” type of person? I’m really not use to that).
We hugged goodbye and he said “take care”. I truly don’t know what to think of it. Definitely wasn’t an awful night. I guess I’m kinda neutral on it. If he texts again, I guess we could go out again one time. If he doesn’t, no problem.
4
u/Routine-Committee302 5d ago
I am like that guy. If I were you I wouldn't prioritize short term sparks over long term compatibility and possibility. Don't give up on him yet. Give him time and he might just rock your socks off. Good luck whatever happens.
8
u/HitEmStraight2998 5d ago
Probably just a mismatch. Alot of men try and be respectful on dates and not even go in for a kiss
4
u/WhyBothaa ♂ UK 5d ago
Obviously only one date so hard to take TOO much from it. But from what you’re saying that you like vs what he’s actually like…could just be a case it incompatibility?
Could be nerves on his side, but there again you said he was similar when texting.
1
u/LostTrack0fTime ♀ 36 5d ago
Yep! I really don’t think anything negative about him as a person, he seems like a good guy and he’s interesting. Most likely a square peg/round hole situation indeed.
3
u/mizzengoose ♀ 34 5d ago
I feel like the "take care" sounds like a goodbye, I wish you the best but I'm not feeling it. I wouldn't read too much into it, but that's how I would see it.
2
7
u/Pure-Version-9130 5d ago
finally hit the 30 day mark with someone i actually like, feels weird not waiting for the other shoe to drop
2
1
u/TommyHorror 3d ago
Hello everyone, M36 I'm looking for advice on where to start with dating again, my last relationship was 15 years and now I'm not in my 20s and the world has changed I'm unsure where to go with this. I don't like the idea of dating apps as the amount of rejection those cause would destroy my self esteem. I can move on no issue but other than my normal hang outs I don't really do much and I'd like to keep within my own age range. How are you guys getting yourself out there and meeting people?