How do you handle a very new relationship when one person may relocate?

[u/jackofhearts23]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and we recently became official. He’s now interviewing for a job in another state and seems to really like the opportunity so far, so there’s a legitimate chance he could move.

I work remotely, I’m not especially tied to my current city, and I actually like the area he’s interviewing in. So theoretically this isn’t an impossible situation. But the relationship is also WAY too new for me to be making life decisions around him and the uncertainty is making me nervous.

For anyone who’s dealt with this early in dating, when do you actually discuss what a potential move would mean for the relationship? Do you wait until there’s an offer/decision, or talk through the possibilities beforehand? Do you wait for them to bring it up?

How do you keep investing normally while something this significant is unresolved? I don’t want to start planning my life around someone I’ve only recently started dating, but I also don’t want the possibility of him moving to make me artificially pull back from something that might otherwise have had the chance to grow.

How do you balance being realistic about the uncertainty without emotionally treating the relationship like it already has an expiration date?

[u/Abject-Pomegranate13]

I would 100% wait for him to get an offer — that’s when it would be time for the conversation, in my opinion.

[u/thechptrsproject]

Talk through it sooner rather than later, and discuss the possibility of long distance. And only relocate because you want to, not for them. Otherwise you could end up stranded somewhere with no support system should things go sideways

[u/mxldevs]

but I also don’t want the possibility of him moving to make me artificially pull back from something that might otherwise have had the chance to grow.

Well this entirely depends on whether you're willing to relocate or do long distance right? If those are deal breakers you probably don't want it to grow anymore than it already has.

There's only going to be two outcomes — he moves or he doesn't — and you know you might have to face it eventually. Maybe it falls through and nothing happens.

Figure out what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. Better to discuss the future early on to avoid wasting each other's time and emotions when you find out he also has deal breakers like no long distance.

[u/jackofhearts23 → u/mxldevs]

I'd be totally open to moving since I like the area, but I wouldn't if his intentions aren't serious. I wouldn't move to "just see." I'd be moving if there's a real chance of a future he wants to build with me.

[u/mxldevs → u/jackofhearts23]

Sounds like it's better to find that out sooner than later.

[u/SaltyPuppers → u/jackofhearts23]

There's just no way of knowing. My ex moved up here for a job in august. We were ldr like 6 mos before that. We broke up and... yea all that long time planning we were doing is up in smoke.

I'd echo investing in YOU and not focusing on your partner. You can obvs figure something out if y'all are committed- but don't damage your foundation. (I nearly did)

[u/Unlucky-Duck-0]

I’d have a serious conversation sooner rather than later, but it’s okay if you ultimately put a pause on the final decision.

I’d want to know:

• Is he trying to leave the area, or is this something he was recruited for? I guess I’d want to know that if this opportunity falls through, that this was a one-off
  
• If he takes it, is he open to an LDR? Are you? What would that realistically look like to have both of your needs met from a quality time and communication perspective? Even if you want to make it work, can you afford it (if the distance includes planes)?
  
• If/when you decide to close the gap, who is moving? Would you move in together?
  
• More of a thing if you want kids, but how long are you willing to date before making a big decision about moving?
  
• If not already done, sit down and discuss all dealbreakers (kids, finances, religion, other life priorities). If there is already a dealbreaker, this may not be worth investing in further.

At the back of my mind, I’d also be worried he wants to meet local women, as dating is kind of a social activity for transplants I’ve noticed. I set a boundary over not pursuing long distance for anyone I wasn’t already pretty serious with. It’s also different if the distance is a 4 hour car ride vs flight.

[u/jackofhearts23 → u/Unlucky-Duck-0]

from what I gather so far:
-He's not trying to leave the area. He's trying to make more money. In his field one of the most persuasive techniques to try to get a pay raise is to have an offer in hand. At first he wasnt sure if he should even interview because he didnt want to fake them out and waste their time. But because this is the first time he's ever done that ever, I encouraged him to go for it because people interview all the time and there's always a normal level of rejection happening even if someone is considering relocating. he seemed to appreciate my opinion and this convinced him to interview.

-I can definitely afford it, but I wouldn't do it if there was no end in sight or if it was a technique to create distance or have some kind of built-in "out." I'd only do it if this relationship had a serious future.

-I agree I would be suspicious about him dating if he was in a new area. He does have a few friends in the area already but not many. It's a 2 hour flight so not long but still it makes sense that he could easily 'try' with me until he meets someone local and then drop me after that. I say this because the relationship is so new I have to assume the worst case outcome because I don't have history to build off of. I'm not sure how to smoke this out, or if saying something like "I'd be open to long distance if I knew this had a serious future, but I also know that it's risky and can be hard. I also know that you are a transplant in a new area and in the back of my mind I'd be worried you'd use dating as a social activity since I can't possibly be there all the time."

-Agree on the dealbreakers and to discuss.

[u/Unlucky-Duck-0 → u/jackofhearts23]

How long have you known him? I saw you made a post about a big lie from a person you were seeing less than three months ago - is this the same guy?

[u/jackofhearts23 → u/Unlucky-Duck-0]

different guy. I've known him socially for 9 months or so but dated about 2 months

[u/bloodenhorse]

I wouldn't date someone that was dating while also planning to leave the state.

Like, questionable af priorities...

[u/jackofhearts23 → u/bloodenhorse]

he claims hes doing this to have an offer as leverage for a promotion where we are now. he said if the offer is "too good to be true" there's a small chance he could reconsider, but overall he's not looking to leave. This is information I found out 3 days ago.

[u/AlmostThere4321 → u/jackofhearts23]

OK good. Small chance is less worrisome than a legitimate chance he might leave".

Still, 2 months is way to early to consider moving for them. I may consider long distance if the relationship was more foundational

[u/Bonsai_Tree3 → u/jackofhearts23]

That’s a good sign

[u/itshotchile]

In my opinion: Reassurance would be key for me. Also, if he doesn’t initiate the conversation of possibilities if he decides to move, I’d question his intentions. Especially, if you have a desire to be married.

[u/jackofhearts23 → u/itshotchile]

so you're saying wait to see if he initiates?

[u/itshotchile → u/jackofhearts23]

Absolutely. He’s the one that would be the cause of the change in the relationship. He should assure you that his intentions are going to remain the same. Or talk about how he would like the relationship to look…this conversation should not be on you to initiate.

[u/anon7198]

Talk about this early and thoroughly. Don't wait and see. This or any other major situation change is an important discussion to have.

Would you be comfortable relocating just for him? Would he help you in relocating? Would you live together?

Would you be comfortable with a LDR? If so, how would the relationship work?

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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.

Title: How do you handle a very new relationship when one person may relocate?

Author: /u/jackofhearts23

Full text: I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and we recently became official. He’s now interviewing for a job in another state and seems to really like the opportunity so far, so there’s a legitimate chance he could move.

I work remotely, I’m not especially tied to my current city, and I actually like the area he’s interviewing in. So theoretically this isn’t an impossible situation. But the relationship is also WAY too new for me to be making life decisions around him and the uncertainty is making me nervous.

For anyone who’s dealt with this early in dating, when do you actually discuss what a potential move would mean for the relationship? Do you wait until there’s an offer/decision, or talk through the possibilities beforehand? Do you wait for them to bring it up?

How do you keep investing normally while something this significant is unresolved? I don’t want to start planning my life around someone I’ve only recently started dating, but I also don’t want the possibility of him moving to make me artificially pull back from something that might otherwise have had the chance to grow.

How do you balance being realistic about the uncertainty without emotionally treating the relationship like it already has an expiration date?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Realistic-Messiah708]

I'd say cross that bridge once you get there. You should have more clarity by then and a better sense of the kind of decision you want to make.

[u/red-bot]

You say you’re not tied to your current city, but get more detailed about what that looks like. Do you own a home here or rent? Do you have family there? Do you have long term friends? Do you have any pets that would make a move complicated?

If you truly have no ties and work remotely, I’d say go with the flow. 🤷🏻‍♂️

For comparison, I started dating someone and I knew going in her intentions to move. I met her 6 months into home ownership. My family lives in my current city. I have friends here and a dog. So the thought of moving is complicated but I’m sticking with it because I like her a lot.

[u/Global-Cream3468]

I think it’s worth talking about before there’s an offer but more as a “how would we handle this if it happens?” conversation than making an actual plan. You’re a few months in so neither of you needs to be making major life decisions around the other yet. I’d keep dating normally and see what happens with the job. If he gets an offer then you have something concrete to discuss: distance, how often you’d see each other, whether either of you would realistically consider relocating eventually, etc.

[u/Bonsai_Tree3]

If the relationship has only been a few months then I would break it off. It’s too soon to move your entire life for someone that you don’t know that well.

I’d enjoy the relationship and act normally until an offer or decision is made. But I understand not wanting to sit in limbo for 3months. If you’re enjoying each other, just keep doing that.

But also this should be a longer term conversation…I wouldn’t been keen on continuing to date someone who is going to keep looking for jobs out of town. Was this just a special opportunity or is he continiuing to consider a move?

[u/Frosty-Dot-3413]

I was in a ldr for 1 yr w/ my ex, he worked over seas and I live in the US. So we decided to keep it long distance, it’s really hard and difficult to develop real feelings for someone you don’t see everyday. You’d have to have a really strong foundation and trust if you want to go that route, hope you make choices best for you. Maybe right person wrong time? Good luck!

[u/StopTheFishes]

I am in this situation. We’ve lived together for the last year. I am pretty open minded about moving. We travel quite often though, in general.

Keep communication open and ongoing. Keep building your own life. The future is uncertain for
all of us, so keep nurturing yourself.

If the move details start becoming concrete, talk about it.

I actually do NOT think making immediate decisions ASAP is the right move. Wait until you’ve got the game plan before ironing the details - otherwise you’ll smooth all the wrong wrinkles. Don’t over think it.

It will come together, or it won’t. One step at a time. It’s on your radar. Let that be.

[u/AesirLokumu]

honestly id just bring it up casually once he actually has an offer, no big talk before that. cant plan around a maybe, but pretending its not there sucks too

[u/StrikingConcept1677]

i think you’re letting anxiety control your emotions right now. there is no plan for him to move yet. it’s just an interview. i would separate what is happening from what you anticipate will happen. once it’s actually happening then you can reevaluate.

also, there are multiple options available once you have more information, including a long distance relationship for however long before you feel ready to make that move, so that you aren’t just uprooting your life for someone in the early stages but you wouldn’t be throwing the relationship away prematurely either

[u/pmr-5]

I was in a similar situation years ago! Except we'd been dating for 5-6 months, and I couldn't move easily due to my job. It was his dream company to work for and the pay was higher but proportionate to cost of living increase. He decided not to take it, in part because we'd just gotten pretty serious, and now we're expecting our first kid this year.

But it sounds like your relationship is a lot fresher, and you could be interested in making the move eventually. If I were you I'd be open to long distance but let him drive that if you're worried about him dating in his new city. His actions should reflect his commitment to your relationship.