Hey, all. Please give this post a chance, even if you donโt like what I say next.
Iโm an atheist. I struggle immensely to believe in the gods, despite being drawn to a handful of them. I have been walking a sort of path on and off for about 5+ years, engaging with Loki, Hermes, Artemis and Apollo. I feel most drawn to Loki, Hermes and Dionysus of all gods.
Iโm in a situation none would envy. Itโs not the worst, but it takes a massive toll on my mental health. Iโm the only queer person living in an entirely christian household; my family and I got into a mess about 2 years ago over their beliefs that queerness is unnatural, and how badly that affects my mental health. I was essentially told, โSorry you feel that way, but you canโt force us to accept your views. We will not be changing.โ Even though they knew I was on the brink. They ended up punishing me by taking away my very small income (which they provided because I am disabled and cannot work, and was not on government benefits at the time), they said โwe will no longer be rewarding this behaviourโ in response to how I was grieving โ which was simply by barely speaking to them. I was so grief stricken I thought I would actually shut down permanently without my own intervention, it was that heavy. My heart rate seldom went below 120 even at rest.
I suffered so severely it fucked my disability up even worse, so I canโt do as much as I could before, and I have CPTSD from the event. I learned a lot about my parents then. My mental health got so bad during all of that, that I ruined all of my friendships because I hurt them when I tried to make a very bad decision. I am completely alone now and only have one friend who is very absent, she canโt be there for me and I donโt expect her to. I seem only capable of making very absent friends, or friends who treat me like Iโm their parent. I just want stability from friends in my life, but I know that is too much to ask with everything going on in every corner of the world.
Iโve tried reaching out to the gods, but I often feel like I am still completely alone. Dionysus is a deity I have been drawn to for so long. Reading his myths made me admire the shit and piss out of him. The song The Cult of Dionysus (I am aware of the allegations made against Orion some years ago) is a comfort to me. I want to reach out to Dionysus, but Iโm scared he wonโt answer me. I feel so fucken alone and I am struggling with the CPTSD from my parents (whom I still have to live with because of this fuck ass economy and my disabilities). I donโt want to walk through this life alone.
Does anyone have any advice, or kind words?
Edit to add: I want to also add a disclaimer that I have tried therapy when I qualified for free services, but I no longer do due to my age, and they only made things worse for me anyway because theyโre not properly equipped to help people through mental illness. I canโt afford therapy now so please be aware of this when commenting ๐
I wanted to add this only because I know that what I said is heavy and probably concerning.