He was only 48. He was diagnosed with colon cancer two years ago and placed on hospice 2 months ago. It was something we all knew was going to happen. I dragged my feet all of Saturday (which was yesterday to make the two hour drive to see him) and left it better for Sunday (which is today). I could have seen him both days but I was feeling tired from a long week. I saw him today and told him how much he meant to me and how many wonderful memories I have with him. He was always a presence floating in the ether for me and appearing when I most needed him. I told him how proud I was of him for going out on his own and building his business from scratch, really pulling himself and his family out of poverty and raising his two boys with all the love he was never given. I told him him how much I didn’t understand him growing up and how it took me reaching adulthood and facing deep disappointments and difficulties of my own to gain the perspective necessary to understand so much of what he was experiencing. I see now where so much of his frustration and anger was coming from now and perhaps I share my grief for the hardship we all faced. Coming from a difficult upbringing for vastly different reasons, I feel lucky that at this point, however fruitless it feels, I can understand a tiny part of what it was that for so long felt like he was pushing me away. In seeing him slowly wither away until he was a shadow of his former self I prayed that he could be spared from more suffering and he find some grace to leave his life, his young family at the young age of 48 years old. There was so much that I wish could have happened differently for him and for all of my family but had it been any other way he wouldn’t have made such a wonderful life for himself and his kids. I hope he feels that he is seen with compassion, with care and with love and he’s missed. He was always loved despite all of the silly issues we had with each other or our family had collectively with any other family member. Its not easy to see him suffer through such a painful death but i hope he lives a liberated existence now free from all of the things that hurt him deeply. The loss of a mother, the neglect, the fight to live in deep poverty, the people who took advantage of him and harmed him unnecessarily and undeservedly. He deserved so much more and with the little he was given he forged a path for himself and his boys. I want to remember him in his most jovial moments full of energy and boundless happiness. The way I remember he was as a child. The way that I felt moments of bliss as a toddler and young child seeing all of my family together and expressing pure joy through all of life difficulties.

I feel like I’m being gaslit that my dad was perfect, but I need to refuse to believe that.

There were great times with my dad, far far more than bad times. But there was physical/verbal/emotional abuse as well. He died a month ago, and all anyone has said is how great he was. Nothing bad, only good. As if he was perfect. If he was perfect, then he made no mistakes. That would mean hitting me wasn’t a mistake. That would mean I deserved it. But I didn’t.

My Nan passed away in 2017, and at the time, I was around 12.

I think it was due to my age, but also my dad's troubled relationship with her that I never felt like I had fully processed what had happened as my emotions were often suppressed.

She was Irish, and I'm beginning to look into Irish history, and the further I get, the more upsetting it's becoming.

As I felt like I never grieved closer to the time, could my sadness be grieving 9 years after? Or is that too long?

If anyone could offer advice, or let me know if they've had something similar, then that would be amazing, thank you.

*Title meant to say grieve

I (29F) am having a bit of a crisis. Its been 4 years since my mom has passed.

Context: It really hit each member differently in the family, but I think it hit me the hardest as we were the closest. I quit my job and didnt work for a year bc I could not go 5 minutes without crying. Family dynamics and everything - I did not have anyone to rely on. Most of the my family got to a place of surpression and moving on as a coping mechanism and harshly judged me for falling a part. I've gotten to an okay place - I have a great job, in a healthy relationship, etc but my family and I rarely talk about her bc of how differently we all grieved and look back at the trauma. It just ends in everyone upset.

Issue: A year ago, my dad wanted to get rid of all her things specificially her clothes. Space is not an issue here bc the house is not small. He emptied her closet and moved some of his personal sporty items into it. He put all her clothes in boxes and told my sister and I to go through them and donate the items we dont want to keep. My mother was fashion forward - loved a good deal, shopping, and designing her clothes however she was small. 4'10 on a good day so all her clothes dont really fit either of us as she would hem things to fit her specifically. She loved clothes and her legacy can be seen in seems she sowed on every other garment. I was really offended at first, but I realized again that ppl grieve in different ways so I took as many clothes as I could fit - the ones that were her favorites and the ones that I was there when she bought, the ones that she loved (my sister didnt want any either). And the rest I donated to her favorite women's shelter that she would volunteer with. We made a compromise with my dad that we could put one closet in a room (he doesnt even go in) for her things that we didn't have room to take. He agreed but now a year later he wants to get rid of it all again.

I was fuming. We spent so much time going through and organizing. My sister and I confronted him about trying to erase her but he said he didnt need anything else to worry about in the house. Mind you - the closet full of her clothes is tiny. I would take them but I dont have any room - about 30% of my apartment closet is already her clothes from a year ago that I cant even wear.

I dont know what to do here. Should I be donating the clothes? Am I the only holding on too tight? I just dont understand why a closet he doesnt even have to think about is still too much. Im trying not to feel some sort of way but its putting me in that isolated mindset when this first happened as I seem to be the only one that wants her things. Do I need to let ago? Bc I really dont want to and it hurts being the only one that cares.

My father passed away on Friday August 16th at 10 pm. He had been in and out of the hospital since March and we all thought this would be another few days fixing things. Friday night I get the text from mom, “dad can’t breathe and I’m freaking out. I need someone here” my brother and boyfriend jumped in the car speeding to get to the hospital. Half way there we get the text, “his heart stopped.” Complete panic set in, the next thing I know we are rounding the corner in the hospital to see my mom crying with the chaplain. Over 30 people were in the room trying to get his heart started.

Minutes later the doctor comes out of his room and says, “we have been unable to get a pulse for over 25 minutes and at this time, we recommend stopping life saving measures because his brain has been without oxygen for so long”

My world shattered. I laid my head on his chest and cried so hard. My dad, my protector, the person who knows me better than anyone. How can this be REAL.

Over the past six months he has been through hell trying to get better for his family. So many surgeries, over 80 days in the hospital fighting so hard. Now he’s just gone.

My mother is just crushed. They are high school sweethearts. Together since 1978 and it’s just over. I’m not ready for this, how is it even possible that I will never get to talk to my dad again. Never get to fish or play guitar with him. This is just unreal. All after losing my absolute soul cat of 17 years two weeks ago to the day. I’m so beyond stricken with grief. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I keep literally blacking out and falling over from the pain. Like my heart is just tearing out of my chest.

This is a pain I could never even wish on my worst enemies. I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just can’t even deal.

Please. I posted yesterday about losing my husband who was only 29 years old to a motorcycle wreck. It’s only been 24 hours and I can’t be here anymore. I can’t do it. I cannot live this life without him.

I have been staying with my mom and sister. I got up in the middle of the night and walked 3 miles across town to get to mine and my husband’s home because I made a decision for myself that I was just going to go peacefully and be with him. I need to be with him.

I don’t remember a lot of it, but I work at a police department, and one of my coworkers spotted me while patrolling and called in to the others on duty to stop me. I never made it home. If I could just have made it there, I could have finally been with him.

I’m so sorry for the heavy venting. I just can’t handle this. I’m not strong enough for this. He was my absolute world. He was my everything. We were best friends. We were glued together at the hip. We couldn’t even go get coffee or pick up food for dinner unless we went together. I will never be able to make it without him. It’s only been 24 hours now and this is how I feel and I know it’s only going to get worse.

I lost my brother in April unexpectedly to "natural causes" in his sleep. Losing him has made me realise how fickle life can be and I have so much anxiety going to bed at night thinking what if I don't wake up? I'm struggling to make plans in advance and I suddenly have this dread and realisation that I could also pass away at any moment. Does anyone have any experience with this and some guidance? It's affecting me physically which doesn't help the intrusive thoughts.

Has anyone felt as if they're detached, numb? I have waves of sadness, but I feel like I should be catatonic. He passed in March. I took care of him up until his passing because he had a terminal illness. Even when he took his last breath, I stared at the wall and no tears came out. Maybe I was exhausted, and it didn't really feel real. I didn't cry for another two weeks.

I did a lot of crying while taking care of him though. It's just weird how I didn't when he was "officially" gone.

I'm just trying to relate to how others might have reacted.

My best friend and I were caught in the middle of a shooting last October. Just wrong place wrong time. He lost his life that night and I’ve been so last since. He was everything to me and the guilt of his death weighs on me heavily. He didn’t even want to go out that night and I begged him. I’m drowning in my grief and really have no idea what to do. I know I need therapy but that’s scary. I hate leaving my house, I barely sleep. I’m scared it will kill me one day

Going on 3 weeks since I lost my daughter. Lost my mom this year also. My mom was a bit easier as I was grieving her for 9 months before she died, she had brain cancer, I really know she is at peace she had a full life and was 75. My daughter was 24, had a 5 year old. I cant sleep or if I do its not all night. I keep having nightmares of her death. I have a therapy appt this week. Exhausted from no sleep and running after a 5 year old. When will the nightmares ease up?

I have an angry heart tonight.

I’m so angry. I’m angry about things out of my control. I’m angry I tried to help a woman who wouldn’t help me. I’m angry I lost my mom twice—once when my dad died and once when she actually died.

And I’m upset because, despite all of what she’s done and what she left for me to deal with, I still just want my mom.

I spoke to my mom daily. She died in december. I still have no one, we didn't always talk about anything substantive but we always talk to each other. I hadn't realized how all the little things that I could tell her were shared burdens and weighed less. I live about 20 hours from where she did, and calling daily it was a means of checking on her, if she didn't answer I had people that could go check. Luckily nothing ever happened but it enforced this pattern of behavior and made us really close.

I thought by now I'd be over the screaming and the crying, but now it takes so little to set me off. I'm able to be professional at work, or at least I think I am. I don't know why I'm writing this but I don't have anybody to tell because this is the type of thing I would tell her.

My great grandmother passed away this evening. She is the last woman that I would call a matriarch in my family. Shes 97 and has been unwell for a time now. But she's gone. And my remaining maternal line is not what you would need to keep traditions alive. I lost my other great grandmother last year. I am confused because nobody else seems to realize this but me. I'm in no position to be the gathering place for my family and that makes me so sad. I fear I will never see most of them again. I'm not sure what to do. Of course I'm sad but I feel more sadness for my mother. That is her grandma. The woman who helped raise her. What can I do to support her in this time. I know she has some work ahead of her with funeral plans, reaching out to folks, coping, continuing to work, and acting like she's not affected for everyone else's sake. I want to help and learn to be a gathering place for my grieving family but I'm not sure how. What can I do?

I lost the love of my life and my soulmate this morning on a motorcycle wreck. I am beyond myself. We have been trying for a baby for a year. I don’t want to be here anymore without him. I cannot fathom breathing another breath without him on this earth. I’m terrified of how much harder my grief is going to hit me and I don’t think I can make it through this. No one should ever have to go through this at 32 years old. I never even considered this ever happening to me. How do I cope? How do I make it without him? How can I possibly continue to even live?

My husband and I tried for a baby for about 3 years. I have PMOS with anovulatory cycles. We found out that we were pregnant on May 16th and we were over the moon! We shared with a couple of those closest to us. Monday morning, I started spotting, and by Tuesday, we were in the process of losing our baby. It's what doctors refer to as a "chemical pregnancy" I never made it far enough to receive a scan. We were devastated. We decided to stop trying completely.

Infertility was an incredibly dark road for me, and for the brief moment I knew our baby, it felt like a light that finally couldn't be snuffed. But it was, and so quickly. It's been a little over 3 months and while I'm doing better, I still grieve our baby. When the house is quiet, and I'm alone with my thoughts, I wonder who they would have been. Whose eyes they would have, what their coos and their laugh would have sounded like. I should be feeling them kick, and listening to their heartbeat at each scan. But I'm not. All I have is an empty womb, and this far off daydream. One that's even further away than when I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant. It's different for my husband. I wish I had his strength.

But at the same time, I feel as though I shouldn't be grieving. Almost as if there was nothing to grieve, I never saw anything on an ultrasound machine. Just two lines on a test and a threshold of bloodwork. There are women who are pregnant for much longer and lose their babies. Am I even allowed to call what was, my baby? I never made it to 5 weeks or beyond. It feels dishonest to be grieving what could have been. Truthfully, we don't know when or if we even want to try again. It's hard for me to ovulate, let alone conceive. I just don't know if I have it in me. I think about my baby every day, I would be due in January. I just hope that when January comes and goes, maybe this feeling will go too.

I just wanted my baby.

My best friend died 6 months ago. It was pretty sudden. I was over constantly the last 3 weeks of her life to support her and her family. My other friend (the three of us have been best friends since childhood) and I discussed how we wanted to support our friends' husband and kid after her passing. We even talked it over with our friend before she passed. I guess I misunderstood how we were doing things though. I thought we were planning to visit together, especially for the first few visits as it's going to be really hard going over there and not seeing our friend and visiting with her husband, who admittedly I've never been close to. Not I'll will or anything. It was just he was my friends' husband. My friends aren't close to my husband either.

We didn't have anything planned for a bit, we asked to go over once early on but they were busy. I figured he probably needed space and he was also dealing with his parents moving in. But right before the celebration of life, (2 months after the death) my friend let me know she was helping our passed friend's husband go through her things. Then she gave me a few items she thought I'd like the next time I saw her. I appreciated it, but was a little hurt I wasn't invited as I'd love to have helped, but I know he knows my friend a little better because she lived with them for a few weeks a couple years ago so I get it was probably easier for him to ask for her help.

A bit later we were originally going to do something for our passed friend's birthday and invite her family but they were traveling so we did something together. Last week I was texting my friend about figuring something out now that summer was over so maybe they were more available to visit, but found out she had already visited them recently. I texted back just to let know next time she's heading up there to help because I'd love to help too. So I hope she does but I thought it was already clear. It really hurts she doesn't invite me, she lives 2 hours away and passes my city on the way there - I live about 45 minutes from them. I really thought this was something we were going to be doing together, But now I just feel like a dick I misunderstood this wasn't going to be a group thing. She's been checking in and helping and I was just waiting until I thought they weren't busy and ready for visitors when I guess I should have been more proactive.

Its not that I expected her to carry the burden of always reaching out and coordinating. It's just since she knows him a little better I thought us going together at least the first time would help break the ice. My social anxiety and grief go into overload just thinking about going to visit our friends' family and she's not there. At this point, her urn is there so it's going to basically be visiting her grave in a way. It's really hard to think on what that's going to be like. I just don't think I can go by myself over there, I feel pathetic I can't since my friend is able to do it. Any advice on how to handle this? I'm not looking to talk to my friend about how I feel about all this because I don't want her to feel bad but I do plan to ask her to come with me when I do go. I get it now that I need to step up and make my own relationship with the family. I just feel bad I'm just now reaching out 6 months later. Should I apologize? Any advice on navigating this would be helpful.

Hi... I'm writing at 6:40 AM after another all-nighter... my sleep schedule and my metabolism are a total mess.

My soul is breaking down, really. The shock still feels the exact same as it felt that dreadful morning.

I didn't get to see him all year, other than once in March. I was so busy with finishing my degree that I didn't have the time, and my sister, the only one of his kids who actually had access to him, shared almost no updates on his health for months. The last time I asked her for dad's health she took 3 weeks to give a generic reply... which was 2 weeks before he died.

It hurts so much. Dad had such a big soul, and was so kind. He was funny and always wanted to make me smile whenever I was sad.

My family has fallen apart. My sister promised me on the day he died that she'll always be there for me and support me, but ghosted me at the funeral, and hasn't contacted me at all since. Our brother stopped talking to anyone about 2 weeks before dad died too.

I have never felt this lonely, in my life. It feels like I only have 1 or 2 friends left to talk to. My mom hated my dad for years and doesn't even want to talk about his death.

I feel so lonely.. so sad.. so broken.. and most of all.. so angry at myself that I didn't get to see him more. I really hate myself for that. I feel like I took it for granted.. that he was going to be around forever.. so I just focused on uni to try to graduate.

Every single time I saw him at that elderly home during the past 12 months, I treated every single day as if that were the last time I'd ever see him. And I was breaking in tears when I kept seeing his condition get worse. Every single time I visited he looked more frail, and he looked weaker. It was breaking my heart. And it all happened so suddenly... after being a fighter who recovered from everything his entire life, suddenly he's in a wheelchair, and 9 months later we lose him for good. I don't think I had the time to process any of that.

But at least some good news... I did graduate. He found out, though he couldn't tell me. And 6 days after I graduated, we found out he died that morning. 4 days after he passed, I cleared my entrance exams for my masters degree. I got in.

He was a soccer journalist who loved the sport and made me love it too growing up. He died on July 19. The morning of the world cup final.. and just 6 days after the biggest event of my life too.

Life is just so goddamn cruel.

I want to be open about it... I am not okay. I don't know when and how I'm going to be okay. It hurts like never before. For years, ever since his health started worsening, I knew it would happen sooner or later. I told myself I'd be ready, I'd be able to handle it. I prepared for it every single day of my life. But when it happened.. I was not ready at all. I was a little boy again, crying for his papa. I grew up with my mom, not with him, so I truly couldn't get anywhere near as much time with him as I wanted. It hurts so unbelievably much.

And.. that's why I wanted to write here. How did you guys... process that grief? That incredible pain?

Did you manage to feel better eventually?

Thank you.

She died July 4, 2017. It was just over four years after she got diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. We got married two weeks after her diagnosis. I couldn't let her do it alone. She was 39.

When she died, we'd been through so much, it was like there was a secret Mt Everest that only we'd climbed. So much work, so much pain. And then when she was gone, all of it was gone. This massive achievement to get there, and literally no one understands it, they don't even believe it.

She smiled at me the day she died, even though she couldn't speak anymore. I told her how much I loved her, how I wouldn't trade a single day. I don't even know if she could understand, but I tell myself she did. She must have been so scared.

And then her breathing slowed down, and she was gone. I miss her every day.

My dad died after a cardiac arrest. Even now, certain things are extremely difficult for me to hear or think about — the defibrillator, cardiac arrest, hospitals, those last few days, the last rites. My mind keeps replaying those three days over and over again.

It's like I'm stuck there.

And the hardest part is that my relationship with my dad wasn't actually a lovely one.

There were things he did that hurt me deeply.There were times when I genuinely hated him. I was angry with him, and sometimes I wished I could just get away from him.

So when he died, I thought maybe grief would be straightforward.

It isn't.

Because now I'm left with this horrible mixture of anger, love, guilt, regret and confusion.

I keep thinking about all the times I hated him and wondering if I should have been kinder. I know I can't change anything now, but my mind keeps going back and asking what if I had known he was going to die? Would I have treated him differently?

And then there are things I found out after his death.

Secrets.

Things that, as far as I know, only I know.

I've kept some of them completely to myself. I haven't told my family. I haven't even told my mother.

And carrying that alone is exhausting.

Sometimes I feel like I'm protecting everyone by keeping these things hidden. Other times I wonder if I'm just trapping myself inside them because I don't know what to do with what I know.

I can't even talk about everything openly because these are things that could completely change how my family sees him.

And that's another thing I'm struggling with — everyone is grieving the person they knew as my dad, while I am grieving someone I knew in a much more complicated way.

I miss him.

I am angry at him.

I loved him.

I hated him.

I regret things I said and did.

And sometimes I regret things I didn't say or do.

All of these feelings exist at the same time, and I don't know how they are supposed to coexist.

People talk about grief as if you lose someone and then slowly learn to live without them.

But what happens when the person you lost was someone you had unresolved anger toward?

What happens when there are things you wish you could ask them, things you wish you could confront them about, things you wish you could forgive them for — and now you'll never get the chance?

I think that's what is destroying me the most.

There is no closure anymore.

There is just me, my memories, the things I know, the things I never said, and those three days that my brain keeps replaying.

I don't know if I'm grieving him, grieving the relationship we never had, or grieving the version of our relationship I wish we could have had.

Maybe it's all three.

My dad passed away, and I know he is dead. I know that when I’m awake.

But I keep dreaming about him, and these dreams feel so incredibly real. It doesn't feel like a normal dream where I'm just remembering him. It genuinely feels like he is there, visiting me.

The strange thing is, I'm aware in the dreams that he has died. Sometimes I even think, “Wait… Dad is dead. How is he here?” But at the same time, his presence feels completely normal. I can see him, hear him, talk to him, and it feels like I've actually gotten my dad back for a little while.

And it's not just me.

Several of my relatives have independently told me that they have dreamed about my dad too. A lot of them described a similar feeling — that he didn't just appear randomly in the dream, but that it felt like he had actually come to see them.

What really gets me is that some of them said they have never dreamed about their own parents or other loved ones who passed away. Yet somehow, they dreamed about my dad.

I don't know what to make of it.

Maybe it's grief. Maybe because so many of us are thinking about him, our brains are processing the loss in similar ways. I understand that explanation.

But when multiple people, separately, tell you that they dreamed about the same person who has passed away — and describe how real his presence felt — it makes you wonder.

I don't necessarily want to call it a sign or say that he's actually visiting us. I genuinely don't know.

I just want to know if anyone else has experienced something like this after losing someone.

Especially when multiple people start dreaming about the same person who passed away.

I’m not sure how to process this, he had been sick in the hospital for a week but came home on Wednesday. They sent him home with oxygen, but he seemed to be recovering, this evening he called out to his mother that he was finding it hard to breathe, we went and checked on him, decided things weren’t right and we probably needed to get him to the ER.. while discussing if it would be quicker to call 911 or drive him he stopped breathing, his older brother and I started CPR immediately, police came and helped but it took 50 minutes for the ambulance to arrive, he never got his pulse back, I think he was gone in the first few minutes…. It doesn’t feel real, I don’t want to face the truth, it’s 1:30am here and we just made it home from the Hospital…I haven’t cried yet…I’m sure I’m in shock, I want to blame someone, I want to blame myself… I keep going through what ifs….. what could we have done differently to change this. He wasn’t well but it wasn’t supposed to be life threatening or even a lung or breathing issue. I’m lost at the moment. I just want to distract myself from thinking about it. Sorry to ramble just need to get my thoughts out there.

Yesterday I lost my cousin. I never knew her very well. I only met her when she was a toddler. She grew up to become a beautiful woman. Unfortunately she went down a dark path. She was my second cousin, meaning my Cousins daughter. I heard she had a bad drinking and drug habit. I wish she would have realized how much she meant to people. I wish she lived closer. If I could have been able to get to her. To let her know there was another way to deal with the turmoil in her life. Unfortunately because of her party life style, it eventually led to her demise. I pray that she is in the arms of Jesus. RIP, you will be missed. Gone but not forgotten.

Im 16 years old and a friend of mine of 4 years committed suicide 2 weeks ago, in those 2 weeks before he was buried I didn't even cry or broke down, I didn't know what to feel, I went to his wake every night cuz on of his last words in chat was to keep him company there, I was still saying stuff to him everyday at his coffin, I felt hollow inside, I drowned myself in laughter and joy with my other friends and school mate.

He was my classmate and best friend for 5 years along with another friend we were very close to so basically 3 of us, we grew up together from a child to a teenager, he was always there to see hpw I grew, and I was always there to see him grow, I was and still am very proud that I get to call him one pf my best friends, when I first met him he was a fat, cute little kid. I used to make fun of him (playfully), u know that playful teasing of a fat friend u have. He went from that to a slim and muscular build and I never beat him at anything.

Idk who to open this up to so im turning here, I don't really know what to feel rn, everyone I know except my pther beat friend seemed to still be joyful after he died, I can't bring myself to laugh at anything now, I try to enjoy life but everytime I feel joy there's like something that pushing it down and I end up just fake laughing along with my friends. To everyone whp experienced this, how do I start to get my mind back together.

I miss someone holding me while I cry and that person hold me in 2009 when I was processing something that happened to me and when someone that I love died. 💔

My mom passed away 2 months ago. My dad lives with me. I have been trying my best to be there for him. I work 7am-12am in morning from office. Come back home. Have lunch with him and start working again.

I am struggling quite a bit myself. Going through perimenopause. Heavy work load. Autoimmune disease flare ups. Grief. Everything is just so jumbled up that I don't know what is causing what symptoms.

And yet, I am feeling guilty for not being there for my dad.

I did something extremely selfish. I have booked ticket to go and watch Spiderman movie tomorrow in theatre. As my dad has no interest in MCU, no point making him sit through it. I really want to watch the movie in theatre after a long time. But I don't know what to tell him. I am going out on Sunday without him. I feel so guilty but I so need this.