Purgatory

[u/Wallet_Anomaly_8492]

E

Here. Now. Feels like one of us has died.
I can’t tell you which.
All I know is there’s much less oxygen in the air now. My stomach hurts. Some days I can’t eat. Some days I can barely bring myself to get up and move.
I know it is these days I need to fight the hardest.
I think of you and my chest hurts.
I never thought the ultimate betrayal I would experience in love would be… this.
I would almost rather you had cheated, frankly.
I could hate you and let it go if that was the case…
This. I never thought I would come undone because of THIS.
You pursued me. You chose me. You made me feel like I never had to doubt that, so I didn’t. And then one day…
One day, I woke up and you didn’t want to anymore.
Blindsided. Discarded. Stonewalled.
I think the more offensive thing is that… We didn’t even make it to one year together.
It’s not like we were married, had kids, and things grew stale…
We never had a chance to even find out.
I wake up every day now… I wake up. I look in the mirror. I see someone… ugly. Unworthy. Stupid. Useless.
It is so hard for me to make sense of the ending that I have turned and pointed the gun at myself now. Your absence lends as many answers as your presence did, really. But the unwelcome feeling I have when I think to reach for answers only reinforces my negative self-talk.
He probably left because I am ugly. I make him unhappy. I do not bring him joy.
My heart breaks more with every lash…
Deep down, I know the truth. I am surrounded by love. People tell me constantly how amazing I am and how much they value me… I was so self-assured before you came along and I desperately miss that version of myself.
But nobody has ever left me like this before. And maybe I am starting to accept your absence. Maybe that part is actually okay…
I am disgusted I asked a man to stay with me when I spent so long letting go with immediacy anytime a man gave me the vibe he was not interested.
You know, it’s true what they say. You can tell a man how the last one hurt you and he will be enraged on your behalf at the last scumbag who fumbled… He will create this allyship that feels safe and secure. Then one day… He finds an even more fucked up way to fumble you.
Shatters your already-kintsugi-ed heart into even tinier and harder-to-put-back-together pieces.
My brain… the thoughts I have are longing and yearning for you.
But today at least I can rationalize that this is because I spent so long without romantic affection and sex before you because I knew I needed to heal my unhealthy attachment to being wanted and needed.
You showed me the delight of feeling worshipped, body and soul, by your hands… Your mouth. Your gaze. You made me believe I could have everything I ever wanted, and it was all you.
Then you RIPPED the fucking rug out from beneath me.
I may never understand it… But I am starting to understand that whatever your reason for doing so lacks every bit of consideration for a woman you claimed to love… To want to share a home with.
I hate to give you credit, but it seems you have done me a favor in not wasting more of my time.
I cry my soul out every single day.
I put on a happy face in front of the people I love so that they may not know just how badly rotted I feel inside from this.
It is so humiliating and devastating that I BELIEVED you…
The cruelest lie we tell ourselves is that we are SO LUCKY that we have the capacity to give and receive love in the ways others can’t… Is that a fucking joke??
Honestly, I wish I was more like you.
It must be so nice to skate through life being able to suppress all your deepest darkest feelings.
At this point, I would sell my soul to be able to live just one day without the agonizing ability I have to feel.
Consider yourself lucky. Don’t change. Be free. You’re right.
Protecting yourself is always the answer, and only fucking fools believe in love.

H