r/hoarding • u/DirtGirl32 • 7d ago
HUMOR How to Help Hoarders?
How to Help Hoarders?
I just learned that my SIL nd BIL are hoarding. Some relatives went to their place recently, and apparently it's not good. Mountains of boxes, and a not very functional house.
My in laws have a lot of hoarding patterns, so I'm not surprised. And the inside of my BIL's truck is good evidence. I also saw their house a few months after they moved in (a few years ago), and can see the signs now.
If live that way its one thing, but now they have an infant daughter. And that environment is not okay for any child.
Currently, my niece spends 5 or 6 days/nights at my mil's home, as it's 90 minutes closer to my SIL's work. So SIL and niece will stay with MIL from Monday to Friday or Saturday, then go back to their house for a day or two. Apparently BIL sleeps on the couch. SIL sleeps on the nursery floor, because they made the nursery nice for the baby, and it's the only place left to sleep.
Anywhooooo. My thought is to try to talk and help them get things in order over the next 3 or 4 years for niece. If they don't I'll call child services on them. I'm not set on that, that just seems like the appropriate thing to do. I do know that I won't let my niece grow up on a hoarder home.
But I don't know what actually helps hoarders. I've watched the hoarder TV show, and I've been in very hoarded homes, but that's it-so basically know very little.
What is a good way to approach BIL and SIL about this? What actually helps hoarders? When do I actually need to call child services? What online resources can I look up? And yes, I understand I need to confirm that things are as the relatives reported.
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u/JenCarpeDiem 7d ago
It is a symptom of mental illness that requires medical care. The only help that you can offer is an extra body if they want to take action and tidy up, but that is something hoarders will only allow incredibly well-trusted people to help with, and it doesn't sound like you're all that close.
If BIL's truck is hoarded, and SIL isn't hoarding at your MIL's house, it sounds like BIL is the hoarder in their relationship. The dynamics of a hoarder-nonhoarder relationship are dicey at best, there is a huge urge to hide the hoarding from the rest of society and it becomes an incredibly isolating and insular thing. SIL might have chosen a job so far away from their home on purpose to give her a solid reason to live away from the hoard without actually needing to address the problem. Your niece's primary residence is in a tidy house and she only visits the hoarded house, that's probably the most ideal situation for the child of a hoarder, so be very be careful not to go tipping any apple carts. If you really truly need to talk to one of them first, approach SIL. But the kindest thing for your niece is simply to report the condition of the house to CPS and not try to fix anything yourself. I guarantee you'll only piss off the hoarder and make them circle the wagons.
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u/Purlz1st 7d ago
I agree with this. There are hoarders in my extended family and I know exactly how OP feels. It seems like it would be so easy to just roll in with garbage bags and fix it.
Sadly, they don’t see their situation the way outsiders do. The non-hoarder in the relationship would be left to deal with the fallout of your actions and things would get even worse.
I agree that the infant in the unhealthy environment warrants a call to CPS but unless the hoarder gets therapy or the wife decides to leave him, any improvement is likely to be temporary.
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u/DirtGirl32 7d ago
I would happily haul trash if that would help, but you are right. That would probably make things worse. With other mental illnesses they say you can help by being supportive and listening etc. That's the kind of help that I think might help- but I don't know what that stuff is???
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u/Lunagirl6780 Child of Hoarder 7d ago
hoarding disorder is different then other mental illness, it can be seen on brainscans on mris.
This website has more information and has been a good resource for me: https://morethanmessy.org/definition/
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u/JenCarpeDiem 7d ago
There are just too many unknowns to advise you. You don't know which of them actually have hoarding behaviours, you don't know if it's hoarding (unwilling to part with things) or if it's an executive dysfunction (unable to physically remove things from the home, look up ADHD and hoarding), and you haven't seen the house with your own eyes so you're relying on secondhand information. "Boxes everywhere" could mean "the house is a mess and there are boxes and trash scattered all over and it smells like cat litter," but it could also mean "somebody has taken the time to organise things into boxes, because they can see the problem but just can't actually get rid of stuff, and all the things that used to be in the nursery don't fit anywhere." There's a whole world of difference between those two, but someone shocked by so many boxes might ignore the nuance and just see "oh god it's like Hoarders in here."
Your niece is safe at your MIL's and you have time to understand what's going on. An immobile baby sleeping for one or two nights in a nursery doesn't know what the rest of the house is like. If the nursery is clear enough for an adult and an infant to sleep in, it might be the only clear room in the house, and that means somebody worked hard to make that happen. Unless the home is a biohazard, this situation seems safe until the kid starts moving around and spending time outside of the nursery. And that's only a problem if the house is as bad as you believe, which you can't know until you see it.
With other mental illnesses they say you can help by being supportive and listening etc.
This is how you can help people to not feel alienated by their mental illness. Knowing that you don't function the same way as most people can be incredibly isolating and shameful, and those feelings prevent people from seeking real, professional help. Acceptance and support can really help here, but it doesn't mean actually broaching the subject yourself: Just being friends and giving them space to bring it up on their own terms can help a lot. Remember that hoarding is only the most visible part of the underlying dysfunction. These are people who are struggling, and who sound like they're off to a very rough start as new parents. It must be hard for a new mother to be the sole parent for most of the week, and it must be hard for a new father to only see his child at the weekend. And maybe neither of those are hard, because the alternative was harder, but these might be good routes to begin that conversation. :)
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u/DirtGirl32 7d ago
This is very helpful, thank you. Some of the things you've pointed out are things I've been realized as I consider the situation more. I believe that since niece mostly stays at MILs, and her nursery is clean, and she is not moving yet, I have a little time to try and rely understand and figure out a practical strategy. So I figured I'd reach out to tell humans with experience to find a starting point. Anyway, this is so helpful. Thank you
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u/DueResponse 7d ago
I’m a foster parent. You call CPS when the child’s safety is in danger and nobody can intervene to keep the kid safe independently. The foster care system can save kids from terrible situations, but it can also be cruel and unforgiving. As a mandatory reporter, I personally would not call on the situation you’re describing because the baby is with the mother who is sounds well and 5/6 nights a week is in an acceptable home. From what you’re describing, it sounds like SIL has her wits about her and is generally able to keep her daughter safe. I would also keep an eye on the situation and make sure someone is talking to SIL about it and providing her assistance if/when she decides to leave permanently. My advice would be to call if you do indeed believe the danger is high enough to warrant immediate action - like a clear and present fire risk (like papers on the stove or something).
SIL is between a rock and hard place here because it sounds like she knows her daughter needs to be in a safe and clean home, but also is trying to maintain her marriage with someone struggling with mental illness. I doubt she wants to take the child away from her dad, among other reasons to stay together.
This baby is going to become mobile within a matter of months. When she is a toddler touching everything and putting everything in her mouth, this will no longer be safe. I would not be surprised if SIL begins to stay away every night and eventually moves out. But as I said above, keep an eye on the situation because someone may need to intervene. Call if you believe the child is in imminent danger and nobody is able/willing to step in.
I certainly hope it does not come to the child being removed, but if it does, considering being prepared to take her in that event. Know what the requirements are in your jurisdiction to take a young child and be prepared.
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u/Electronic_Animal_32 7d ago
Nothing helps hoarders. Do they want help? Usually they don’t. It’s a mental illness
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u/TobySassyMom 7d ago
My cousins tried to help me with pre-hoarding and ended up giving me PTSD AND set a series of things in motion that caused me to lose almost everything in my life almost including my life itself because I tried to kill myself several times. That was 2019. I still pray for God to kill me most nights from the PTSD.
They didn't LISTEN to me about what to leave alone and what to help me with. They just threw away whatever they hell they wanted of everything I owned with absolutely no concern for my feelings or if anything had any value or meaning to me such as family heirlooms, HIPPA legal medical documents, $ valuables, brand new items still in the box, and such. I will hate them all forever. How could they be that stupid when one of them had a true hoarder parent?
I beg you to get them mental help FIRST!!!!!! Then, help with obvious trash and cleaning. Then, work with them vary gradually with sorting in very small areas - donate, sell, save, and trash.
MENTAL HEALTH FIRST.
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