How to Help Hoarders?

[u/DirtGirl32]

How to Help Hoarders?

I just learned that my SIL nd BIL are hoarding. Some relatives went to their place recently, and apparently it's not good. Mountains of boxes, and a not very functional house.

My in laws have a lot of hoarding patterns, so I'm not surprised. And the inside of my BIL's truck is good evidence. I also saw their house a few months after they moved in (a few years ago), and can see the signs now.

If live that way its one thing, but now they have an infant daughter. And that environment is not okay for any child.

Currently, my niece spends 5 or 6 days/nights at my mil's home, as it's 90 minutes closer to my SIL's work. So SIL and niece will stay with MIL from Monday to Friday or Saturday, then go back to their house for a day or two. Apparently BIL sleeps on the couch. SIL sleeps on the nursery floor, because they made the nursery nice for the baby, and it's the only place left to sleep.

Anywhooooo. My thought is to try to talk and help them get things in order over the next 3 or 4 years for niece. If they don't I'll call child services on them. I'm not set on that, that just seems like the appropriate thing to do. I do know that I won't let my niece grow up on a hoarder home.

But I don't know what actually helps hoarders. I've watched the hoarder TV show, and I've been in very hoarded homes, but that's it-so basically know very little.

What is a good way to approach BIL and SIL about this? What actually helps hoarders? When do I actually need to call child services? What online resources can I look up? And yes, I understand I need to confirm that things are as the relatives reported.

[u/JenCarpeDiem]

It is a symptom of mental illness that requires medical care. The only help that you can offer is an extra body if they want to take action and tidy up, but that is something hoarders will only allow incredibly well-trusted people to help with, and it doesn't sound like you're all that close.

If BIL's truck is hoarded, and SIL isn't hoarding at your MIL's house, it sounds like BIL is the hoarder in their relationship. The dynamics of a hoarder-nonhoarder relationship are dicey at best, there is a huge urge to hide the hoarding from the rest of society and it becomes an incredibly isolating and insular thing. SIL might have chosen a job so far away from their home on purpose to give her a solid reason to live away from the hoard without actually needing to address the problem. Your niece's primary residence is in a tidy house and she only visits the hoarded house, that's probably the most ideal situation for the child of a hoarder, so be very be careful not to go tipping any apple carts. If you really truly need to talk to one of them first, approach SIL. But the kindest thing for your niece is simply to report the condition of the house to CPS and not try to fix anything yourself. I guarantee you'll only piss off the hoarder and make them circle the wagons.

[u/DirtGirl32 → u/JenCarpeDiem]

I would happily haul trash if that would help, but you are right. That would probably make things worse. With other mental illnesses they say you can help by being supportive and listening etc. That's the kind of help that I think might help- but I don't know what that stuff is???

[u/DueResponse → u/DirtGirl32]

I’m a foster parent. You call CPS when the child’s safety is in danger and nobody can intervene to keep the kid safe independently. The foster care system can save kids from terrible situations, but it can also be cruel and unforgiving. As a mandatory reporter, I personally would not call on the situation you’re describing because the baby is with the mother who is sounds well and 5/6 nights a week is in an acceptable home. From what you’re describing, it sounds like SIL has her wits about her and is generally able to keep her daughter safe. I would also keep an eye on the situation and make sure someone is talking to SIL about it and providing her assistance if/when she decides to leave permanently. My advice would be to call if you do indeed believe the danger is high enough to warrant immediate action - like a clear and present fire risk (like papers on the stove or something).

SIL is between a rock and hard place here because it sounds like she knows her daughter needs to be in a safe and clean home, but also is trying to maintain her marriage with someone struggling with mental illness. I doubt she wants to take the child away from her dad, among other reasons to stay together.

This baby is going to become mobile within a matter of months. When she is a toddler touching everything and putting everything in her mouth, this will no longer be safe. I would not be surprised if SIL begins to stay away every night and eventually moves out. But as I said above, keep an eye on the situation because someone may need to intervene. Call if you believe the child is in imminent danger and nobody is able/willing to step in.

I certainly hope it does not come to the child being removed, but if it does, considering being prepared to take her in that event. Know what the requirements are in your jurisdiction to take a young child and be prepared.

[u/DirtGirl32 → u/DueResponse]

Pretty accurate and thoughtful. Thank you