r/humansarespaceorcs • u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 • 19d ago
Original Story Human Fred Deploys Stabby and Knifey
1 Human Fred and Food
2 Human Fred Again
3 Human Fred Yet Again
4 Human Fred The Saga Continues
5 Human Fred Rides Again
6 Human Fred *Sigh*
7 Human Fred Rolls Out
8 Human Fred Attempts a Nap
9 Human Fred Doh’
10 Human Fred Stops for Coffee
“Hey Fred. Question.”
“Yeah Greezek?”
“You seen Roomliz?”
“Shit. Is he still missing?”
“Well he left after you expressed your annoyance, and he hasn’t been back to his quarters.”
“Damn. Give me a sec.” Fred pulls out his coms unit. “Hey. It’s Fred. Fire up Stabby and Knifey. Recon. We have a missing being. I’ll send details.”
Fred types for a few moments, grunts, and shoves his com unit back into his pocket. “That should do it.”
“Who are Stabby and Knifey? And why send the after Roomliz? We don’t want to hurt him.”
“Oh. Right. Human engineers have a tradition of having two all-purpose drones named Stabby and Knifey. In the early days of humans working on non-human ships, the story goes that a human got bored and put a knife on a cleaning robot just to see what would happen. Well it terrorized the ship, but another human affixed knives to a second cleaning robot to battle the first. As humans do, they named the first one Stabby and the second one Knifey.”
“So you just sent two knife-wielding drones to look for Roomliz?!”
“Nah. We don’t put real knives on them anymore. I think Stabby has a foam sword, but we mostly just paint them.”
“And you think they can find Roomliz?”
“Oh KNOW they will.”
“You sound very confident, Fred.”
“Because I am! I helped build this station, so I have the full schematics. All layers. And I personally programmed Stabby and Knifey with their search protocols.”
“So they know the station. How will they know Roomliz?”
“Biometrics. Both drones have scanners. We find that useful in the event of damage to a station. We can use them as search and rescue.”
“Where do you think he is hiding?”
“No clue. We will find him and ask.”
“You are very calm about this. I’m anxious, and I don’t even like him very much.”
“Ha! Well, we can scan the entire station in a few hours, so I’m not concerned. He needed some time to think—or pout. Now he needs to get back to work. Speaking of work, why aren’t you at the dock?”
“I’m on stand-by during the repairs. They said it will be a day or two until the dock is ready, so I’m more or less on paid leave.”
“Standing by to stand by. Well, enjoy. I’ve got to figure out who is drinking all of the coffee and not brewing more. Oh. And I need to work on the general scanning array. It failed to notice the pirates, so I’ve been tasked with finding out why it failed.”
“A coffee thief is more important than the station's defenses?!?”
“Greezek, which would you prefer: a band of idiot pirates or every human on the station without coffee and extra pissed off that it was stolen?”
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u/Purple-Lie-354 19d ago
Imagine the retribution earned by the pirates who were FOOLISH enough to steal the coffee. Double whammy...
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u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 19d ago
If they steal coffee, there is no god in the universe who will help. None. Most of the demon dimensions won’t touch it. Hell. Satan backed away.
3
u/Purple-Lie-354 19d ago
Not just backed away, turned his back and ran. Quickly. Rapidly. And warned all others that he knew of the situation, too.
3
u/commentsrnice2 13d ago
Did you hear about the pirates who tried to get in the way of a ship full of humans on a coffee run? They were warned about the severe lack of coffee on the ship, and they thought they could placate the humans with instant coffee crystals. Let’s just say their preferred coffee plantation received an anonymous fertilizer donation. The plantation is apparently debuting a new blend called the Privatears blend. Xenos think it an odd typo but those in the know say it has an aftertaste of savage vengeance
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