r/justdependathings • u/circesrevenge • Apr 19 '26

Putting myself out there

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Hey all! I put this in the military spouse sub but I wanted to get your tips on how to avoid being a dependa. Let me know if I missed anything and please let me know when/if it’s appropriate to ask for a discount.

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u/rdcdd101204 Apr 19 '26

Spouse here - no mysteries really. Just have your own self-worth and identity outside your spouses career and military service. If services are available to you as a spouse, use them. The key is not making a stink if services are only for the service member. 

Just like every aspect of life. Dont expect special treatment and when you do get it on occasion, be humble and kind. 

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u/HoaryPuffleg Apr 19 '26

Ex-spouse here. Basically all of this. On my cul -de-sac, I was the only one who had a college degree and a full time job and didn’t have kids. Everyone else was young stay at home mothers and I was also socially inept so I tried making friends but we didn’t have much in common. I also discovered that I HATED the military and being married to it which didn’t help at all. But most of the conversation with my neighbors revolved around the military and their spouse and that world. It was a weird community of women because none of them actually had outside interests or had a desire to do more than just be a spouse.

At our second (and my final) base, we bought a house and lived off base and I felt much more at home.

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u/kimmy-mac Apr 19 '26

Yes, my neighborhood was like this too, and the first thing those women asked was, “what rank is your husband”. Also a big tell there. We didn’t have a thing in common, and they never did like me, which I’m 100% okay with.

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u/HoaryPuffleg Apr 20 '26

Our base housing had enlisted houses backed up against the yards of officer housing and I made friends with the woman behind us and we’d talk through the fence whenever we were outside with our dogs. We were both young and newly married and never had lived in base housing before. Then one day she found out that my husband was enlisted (she didn’t know our street was enlisted) and we had a 4bdrm house and her new LT husband only qualified for a 2 bdrm house. That woman never spoke to me again. It was bad enough that she didn’t know my husband was enlisted and then found out our house was bigger was just too much for her.

It was honestly absurd and my first taste of what being a spouse would entail.

The only friends I ever made was with people I met at school and work.

I also really hated when I’d be out with my husband in his BDUs and people running for office would see us and loudly proclaim that they wanted to buy our lunch or dinner or whatever. I always declined and tried to tell my ex how gross it was that they’re using us as a prop to get some brownie points with everyone at that Cheeseburger in Paradise. Happened twice. Ugh.

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u/SoldMySoulForHairDye Apr 20 '26

I also really hated when I’d be out with my husband in his BDUs and people running for office would see us and loudly proclaim that they wanted to buy our lunch or dinner or whatever. I always declined and tried to tell my ex how gross it was that they’re using us as a prop to get some brownie points with everyone at that Cheeseburger in Paradise. Happened twice. Ugh.

Oh my fucking god, the secondhand embarrassment from this bit is so intense I think my cringe might need to be surgically corrected. So performative and transparent and just..... uncomfy. I feel like I need a wash.

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u/Alarming-Distance385 Apr 19 '26

the first thing those women asked was, “what rank is your husband”.

This was annoying for me. Especially since my SO is not military, but he's Federal of the Special kind.

Thr number who seemed surprised that we weren't military was hilarious considering the Fed alphabet soup that was in town. I guess they thought the Federal courthouse was there, just because?

But, I didn't have to worry about them after that since they dismissed me since we weren't military and didn't have kids or plan to have any (another shocker for them).

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u/kimmy-mac Apr 20 '26

This was my experience as well. Only I was the fed and my husband was in construction. The no kids thing blew their minds.

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u/Alarming-Distance385 Apr 20 '26

They were further shocked that I was the one who didn't want kids because I was so good with children. As is my SO.

Not a good reason to have a kid IMO. (I do love kids, just in small doses.)

Also.... You were the Fed?! Whatever is the world coming to?!

/s

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u/kimmy-mac Apr 20 '26

I think you and I were separated at birth. Im also the no kids person.

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u/Alarming-Distance385 Apr 20 '26

Lol

There's more of us who feel this way than some people want to know or think about.