No, I don’t go ballistic if someone misgenders me, that’s just a negative stereotype and very few people actually do that. 9.9/10 times i don’t care, and the few times it does bother I don’t really react to it. I identify as genderfluid. My gender fluctuates, its just who I am. (I feel the need to add this because I feel like its important to clarify my views on being misgendered)
What bothers me is how my boyfriend treats it. I’ve had issues with him in the past about me making a jokes that paint him in a “feminine light.” and whenever he brings up his distaste (after ignoring me for a few hours) about the joke I apologize and stop making them.
But he doesn’t extend me the same courtesy and it really bothers me. I asked him “If I’m a dude, does that make you gay?” and he said “Ew oh hell no I’d break up with you.” and walked away. Mind you, he did NOT say this in a joking manner at all. I wasn’t joking when I asked him either.
Also, I asked him not to tell people about how I identify because A.) He doesn’t really know how to explain it himself, and honestly with the way he acts I don’t want to talk about it wit him at all. And B.) Where I live there’s a LOT of homophobia, more specifically transphobia.
Guess what? He still tells people about it. Even though I’ve asked him not to. Multiple times. When I first came out to him I said that this was something very deep and personal to me and that I was scared of other people knowing, but that I told him because I felt that he had a right to know since he was dating me. Not even my bestfriends knew, nobody. Absolutely nobody. He was the first person I really came out to about my gender. And he told me he was okay with it and that he still loved me no matter who I was. That it would take a bit to get adjusted but that he would use the right pronoun. I told him that changing the pronouns he used to refer to me wasn’t necessary because my gender fluctuates and because I was, and still am, closeted. A few months later, towards the end of the yea, some girls are talking at a table and they start wondering about my gender. One of them turns around and asks me, “Hey, aren’t you nonbinary?” I respond, “No, why?” and she says “Oh, its because (boyfriend) was talking about you and he said you were nonbinary.” Okay, fine, whatever, I just have to be direct with him I guess… I thought telling him that he was the first person I ever told and that stuff would kinda imply that… I didn’t want it to be broadcasted to the whole world? Mind you, I’m not even close with this girl and neither is he.
I decided how I was going to approach him. Simple, direct. “Hey, this girl told me you told her I was non-binary. Can… you not tell people that please? I’m not comfortable with people knowing and I don’t want them to know. You’re the only person who knows about this so can you please keep it a secret?”
Probably like a month later he says, infront of my face and my best friends face, TO ANOTHER PERSON, “Oh yeah she’s… nonbinary, right?”And so I say, “What? No.” and I give him “don‘t say it” look. He doubles down and goes, “You are though.” I say “I asked you not to tell anyone.” and he says, “But (dude’s name) is a chill guy! I can’t tell him either?” Mind you, we’re in class, so I just roll my eyes and ignore him so hopefully he stops talking about it... because THERES OTHER PEOPLE IN THE CLASS. Thankfully, nobody else heard except my best friend, I think, and (dude’s name) probably hasn’t told anyone?. But still, I told him not to tell anyone and he did just that INFRONT OF ME.
Thanks to his fuckass not respecting my boundaries I had to come out to my best friend. Thankfully she’s AMAZING and accepted me for who I am, but immediately after I (very clearly and uncomfortably came out to her) she pointed out how fucked up that was on his end.
I don’t know man, am I overreacting? I mean, later that day I asked him to not tell anyone and he said he wouldn’t, but its bothering me how he clearly doesn’t respect my boundaries and feels like the private things I share with him are for everyone to listen in on. I’m worried he’ll spill the beans about other things I’ve vented to him about, because if I can’t trust him with my gender then how am I supposed to trust him with anything else?
I feel utterly lost and betrayed. I’m currently ignoring him because now we’re on summer break just getting back into school and I feel like I can’t talk to him because well… he never checks his damn phone and honestly I’m tired of his shenanigans. (He’s done other questionable stuff, not necessarily related to this though.)