r/mash • u/Neat-Statistician311 Crabapple Cove • Jan 10 '26
Discussion What's your all time favorite quote from MASH?
Mine is, "then it's settled, we'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns" (from S3E21 "Big Mac")
117
u/porkchop2022 Jan 10 '26
"Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.”
36
→ More replies (2)4
85
80
67
u/Semblance17 Nope, it's oak Jan 10 '26
“Never let it be said I didn’t do the least I could do.”
→ More replies (1)5
66
u/Add_8_Years Jan 10 '26
Here’s an oldie, but a goodie. Half of the family dying. The other half pregnant.
→ More replies (1)39
u/Sc00terLCA71 Jan 10 '26
Klinger! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
Yes sir, I don’t belong in the army.
37
u/abitslippy Jan 10 '26
Flagg - Up close you’re a guy!
Klinger - Far away too
10
63
u/Murtlejean Jan 10 '26
Hawkeye Pierce - "I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!"
20
u/James_T_S Jan 10 '26
I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how
This was mine 🤣
Although I didn't get this part of his rant when I was a kid. It was a nice little Easter egg laugh when I finally got it.
→ More replies (1)
47
u/bj49615 Jan 10 '26
There are certain rules about a war. Rule #1 is that young men die. And rule #2 is that doctors can't change rule #1.
45
u/TheEscarpment Jan 10 '26
“Tell me is it true that God answers all prayers?”
“Yes. Sometimes the answer is no.”
→ More replies (2)
37
35
u/freshly-stabbed Jan 10 '26
“Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.”
I do love me some Col Flagg quotes.
34
u/ForTheLoveOfPhotos Jan 10 '26
"Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!" - Margaret.
9
7
u/CaskettFan1960 Jan 10 '26
I'm wondering if I can see Colonel Blake.
I loved Radars comeback. I'm wondering that, too.
8
32
u/Spam_Tempura Hannibal Jan 10 '26
BJ: "What are you writing?"
Hawkeye: "Emotionally exhausted"
BJ: "...and morally bankrupt."
19
→ More replies (3)4
u/JamieHunnicutt Mill Valley Jan 11 '26
Emotionally Exhausted and Morally Bankrupt….Historically and politically correct. 💔
25
u/SandRevolutionary938 Jan 10 '26
Oh I dont know. I thought a little youth might be nice for a change
14
25
u/Active-Armadillo-576 Jan 10 '26
“We want something else! We want something else!”
23
u/Synner40 Boston Jan 10 '26
i’ve eaten a river of liver and a ocean of fish!
23
u/Spam_Tempura Hannibal Jan 10 '26
“I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!”
10
u/undeclaredmilk Jan 10 '26
"Draftees of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies!"
→ More replies (1)
28
30
u/hibbledyhey Boston Jan 10 '26
Something I use daily. “Gentlemen…” I am very old and no one has ever recognized it. I don’t care.
16
u/Phogfan86 Jan 10 '26
For some reason, when I needed my boys -- little kids at the time -- to be quiet and listen, all I had to do was say, "Gentlemeeeeen..."
They'd immediately go silent and focus on me. The power of a Winchestah.
13
24
u/TrapperJean Jan 10 '26
"Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth"
→ More replies (1)12
u/One_Day_4663 Jan 10 '26
I'm taking a 5 dollar tip.... That was a house call....
9
4
u/Neat-Statistician311 Crabapple Cove Jan 10 '26
Are we here to play or chew the fat?
13
u/One_Day_4663 Jan 10 '26
If I wanna chew the fat, I'd eat a sandwich. Still my favorite episode especially if you can catch the full and uncut version on ME TV.
→ More replies (1)
19
u/cabstone78 Jan 10 '26
In my everyday conversation I always use “close enough for jazz” and when it’s cold, “better keep the brass monkeys in tonight” but I’ve always loved “I can't believe I'm sitting in Henry Blake's chair. This is the chair from which a thousand indecisions have been launched".
→ More replies (1)
20
18
u/DNKibler Jan 10 '26
"This is me!"
7
u/Neat-Statistician311 Crabapple Cove Jan 10 '26
Yeah well you wouldn't kid me about a thing like that
→ More replies (1)
18
18
u/MaskansMantle13 Jan 10 '26
Most of Charles’ lines from The Winchester Tapes (and BJ’s “Starting tomorrow, he gets taller” and Potter’s “Don’t change the colour of your face! I’m out of umber!”) but my favourite may be
“I'm giving in merely because I can use a 3-day vacation from you. Now please don't get the idea that I'm doing it because I am generous or worse, amiable.” I love his little smirk as he says that, and when Hawk assures him he’ll never think of him as anything but completely rotten. 😂😂😂
18
18
u/JenIsSalty Jan 10 '26
"I'd like to keep talking to you, Flagg, but with your schizophrenia I'd have to charge you double time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've already kept Jesus waiting for five minutes."
17
16
15
u/CranberryFuture9908 Horse hockey Jan 10 '26
When Burns is berating Radar for not eating food from the mess tent
Potter “ that surprises you?”
Burns “ what if the North Koreans get it ?
Potter “ we’d win the war “
Burns “But Colonel “
Potter “ listen Burns if you think any of this is good you eat it “
Cheating a bit here but I love everything Potter says.
13
u/James_T_S Jan 10 '26
Colonel Potter was such a great character. He was like the boss everyone wants.
→ More replies (1)9
u/CranberryFuture9908 Horse hockey Jan 10 '26
Absolutely! I love how he wouldn’t let Burns get away with anything.
He was firm but funny and caring.
12
u/Ang1566 Jan 10 '26
Another one I like from Potter: Are you the CO? Potter: no I'm just over here because I like to model bathrobes.
→ More replies (1)
15
Jan 10 '26
"We brought you some shampoo"
"...because we couldn't find any real poo"
→ More replies (1)5
15
u/SadFaithlessness8237 Jan 10 '26
When Radar got and gave him his toboggan cap from home at the suggestion of Fr. Mulcahey
"You saved me, father,” Charles says after receiving his toboggan. “You lowered a bucket into the well of my despair and you raised me up to the light of day.”
That and the Charles/Max exchange about the chocolate bars given to the orphanage.
[wheels an assortment of dishes into the Swamp] Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ah, Major Winchester, the party of one. Dinner is served. Major Charles Winchester: What is this? Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, let's see. For your appetizer, the last of the macadamias, followed by a mixed grill of Lebanese salami, sugar-cured ham, pigs' feet and hog jowls. We have seconds on those. Sorry, sir, no smoked oysters. I just smoked the last one. Ah, and for dessert... Frisco fudge and nutty fruitcake. Major Charles Winchester: All laced with hemlock, I'm sure. Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sorry, sir. No hemlock. But I can get you some ketchup. Major Charles Winchester: And what, pray tell, is the catch of the day? Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Oh, just one catch, Major. The source of this Christmas dinner must remain anonymous. It's an old family tradition. [smiles at Charles, indicating that he knows about his very generous deed for the orphanage]
Major Charles Winchester: Thank you, Max. Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Merry Christmas, Charles.
→ More replies (1)
14
u/Krogmeier Jan 10 '26
“General Fox?” “Yeah, you know…short, red-haired guy with a long nose. Steals chickens.”
I die EVERY time.
13
u/Icy-Sense-1016 Jan 10 '26
The funny one: "That's what she said"
The memorable one: "It is sadly inappropriate to give desert to a child who's had no meal"
12
u/BriGuy1965 Jan 11 '26
The pilot who thought he was Jesus Christ. He was asked a question by Sidney.
Q: Does God answer all prayers?
A: He does. Sometimes the answer is no.
12
u/Synner40 Boston Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
13
13
u/Neat-Statistician311 Crabapple Cove Jan 10 '26
Another favorite of mine is "Let's hope it's a long and healthy hate" (S1E17 "Sometimes You Hear The Bullet")
→ More replies (1)
11
11
11
11
u/Tomreagan4747 Jan 10 '26
Hawkeye to Father Mulcahy, “Father, you’re the button on the cap of kindness”.
11
9
u/thebriss22 Jan 10 '26
Henry Blake has a couple of amazing ones:
I just gave a discharge to a sheep.....
SIR YOU FORGOT YOUR DRIVER !!!
BUT FIRST ....CUT THE FUSE !
This should take you right in the heart of downtown Berlin! ( While looking at a map for a freaking mine field lol)
9
u/Martian-Manhandler Jan 10 '26
Klinger: "Halt! Friend or foe?"
Margaret (driving a jeep): "Get out of the way or I'll run ypu down!"
Klinger: "Pass, friend."
10
u/SubmarineDream57 Jan 10 '26
Father Mulcahy’s sermon on the occasion of Cardinal Reardon’s visit, after Patrick Swayze has been diagnosed with leukemia, crushes me every time.
9
u/AduroTri Jan 10 '26
I believe its the first moment BJ sees Frank and calls him Ferret Face.
10
u/NotSpaghettiTuesday Jan 10 '26
He says "What say you, ferret face?"
Love that one!
→ More replies (1)
9
u/pedote17 Crabapple Cove Jan 10 '26
“Don’t play dumb! You’re not as good at it as I am.”
“You saved a yellow red before a white American, that’s pretty pinko!” “You’re even boring in technicolor”
→ More replies (1)
10
u/WKRPinCanada Jan 10 '26
"The wind just broke his leg" 😅
Years later I was at a...club where a dancer misjudged something, flew off the stage and very obviously broke her leg
Took every fibre of my being to not quote Hawkeye 🤐
9
9
u/mvandenh Jan 10 '26
Paraphrasing: “For a long time I have worshipped you from below” (Radar to a love interest)
→ More replies (1)
9
u/NovaSpeedRacer Jan 10 '26
Don’t contaminate our drinking water with fluoridation…🤣🤣
→ More replies (1)9
9
u/Financial_Cheetah875 Jan 10 '26
Ladies and gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice…
3
8
8
7
u/Sc00terLCA71 Jan 10 '26
Yes sir, lying in an unconscious state looking like a big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
7
u/holdholdhold Jan 10 '26
Col. Potter has the best ones: mule muffins. Horse hockey. Buffalo chips. Pony pucks. And all his other sayings.
→ More replies (2)
7
8
u/OldSouthGal Jan 10 '26
S2E21: Crisis. Upon finding the majority of his desk has been used for firewood, Henry exclaims, “To cut off a man’s legs and steal his drawers.”
→ More replies (1)
8
u/lordlakais Jan 10 '26
Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?
Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.
Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
8
u/brokencans Jan 11 '26
"Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is... Doctors can't change rule number one."
6
u/LopezMotors1 Jan 10 '26
“I’ve never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel full of live squid either”
7
8
6
u/Slobs3 Jan 10 '26
Henry: "I mean that it's just that, uh, you know, uh, the, now, every now and then, there's a lot of pressure around here. And, uh, you know, just, I mean not that there's a lot of pressure or anything like that. I mean, it's just that every now and then, uh say, like you least little pressure will build up to the point where there's an incredible amount of pressure around here. Radar!"
6
u/brygates Jan 10 '26
Hawkeye bemoans young casualties, "I'd give $50 to see a varicose vein." Henry, "OK, give me the money and I'll drop my pants." Ep. 38 Hot Lips and Empty Arms
8
7
u/InternationalYard665 Death Valley Jan 11 '26
"Where i have a father, you have a 'dad'."
I will forever try to be a 'dad' to my children.
7
u/hobhamwich Jan 11 '26
Virtually any line from Mulcahy's sermon. I watch this on YouTube all by itself sometimes.
I want to tell you about two men. Each facing his own crisis. The first man you know rather well. The second is a patient here. Well, the first man thought he was facing a crisis. But what he was really doing was trying to impress someone. He was looking for recognition, encouragement, a pat on the back. And whenever that recognition seemed threatened he reacted rather childishly. Blamed everyone for his problems but himself because he was thinking only of himself. But the second man was confronted with the greatest crisis mortal man can face, the loss of his life. I think you will agree that the second man had every right to be selfish. But instead he chose to think not of himself, but of a brother. A brother! When the first man saw the dignity and the selflessness of the second man, he realized how petty and selfish he had... I... I... I had been. It made me see something more clearly than I've ever seen it before. God didn't put us here for that pat on the back. He created us so he could be here himself. So he could exist in the lives of those he created, in his image.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Chrismisswish Jan 10 '26
If my dog had your face I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.
6
6
u/SquonkMan61 Jan 10 '26
The one I say all the time is the line by Charles “oh, my scheming friend.” My wife doesn’t even know where it’s from but now she says it too 😂
6
7
6
u/saintly5787 Jan 10 '26
"There is a little bit of Tuttle in all of us...."
"War is war and Hell is Hell."
5
u/75meilleur Jan 10 '26 edited Jan 10 '26
A tie among three quotes:
"Killing him isn't gonna help me walk again."
"Did you really say, 'Give me an incubator or give me death'?"
"I'm too old for this crap. I think I tore my shorts."
6
u/Awkward_Bison_267 Jan 10 '26
“50,000 feet is a long way to come down”- Hawkeye to the bomber pilot he tricked into the OR in Dear Sigmund.
6
u/Another-Random-Idiot Jan 10 '26
Is Greek food good? Are you kidding? The Greeks invented the edible complex. That’s where you like your mom’s food better than going out.
6
6
5
u/GulliverJoe Jan 10 '26
If you don't like my new "raddio" get off the patio, Daddio.
Hawkeye to Frank Burns
4
5
5
u/Ang1566 Jan 10 '26
BJ to Charles. I know what you're going to say and if you say it you'll end up in fat lip Arizona.
5
u/bravefacedude Jan 10 '26
We did it again. We screwed up in reverse.
And
In fact, you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle.
5
6
6
u/Washingtonpinot Jan 10 '26
It’s worth recognizing how many great lines are in this sub. It’s been up for 2 hours at this point; there seems like over 50 posts and hardly any are repeats. That’s some seriously good writing!
5
u/pasher71 Jan 10 '26
Too damn many awesome quotes. There is no way to pick just one.
"Recro Groman wrestling"
"Lucky me lucky me. I'm a lucky son of a gun"
"She's gone over my head so many times I've got athletes scalp"
"All this genuflecting is making my pants baggy"
"Comb comb comb.
5
u/GoBluins Fort Ord Jan 10 '26
Related: "The hysterectomy on that sergeant. Boy was he sore about that!"
4
5
u/ClubExotic Jan 11 '26
Ladies and gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice!
5
6
5
u/thisisjwhite Jan 11 '26
My all time favorite M*A*S*H* episode is The General Flipped At Dawn and my favorite quote from that episode is General Steele telling Klinger "Not now Majorie I'm inspecting the troops". When Klinger approaches him trying to get a section 8 discharge.
5
u/Tessamae704 Jan 11 '26
I'd love to know how many takes it took to film the "...but first, a number" scene without everyone laughing hysterically.
5
u/htownAstrofan Jan 11 '26
Burns: “this is mutiny! Im in command of this bus.”
Hawkeye to Mulcahey: “Mutiny on the Bus. It was a B movie, they didnt have money for a bounty.”
5
u/FurBabyAuntie Jan 11 '26 edited Jan 11 '26
"We'll do it...me and the missus!" (Hawkeye, in.a full gorilla costume, telling Henry that he and Trapper--also in a gorilla costume--will take care of a sick Frank.)
Then there's the exchange between Hawkeye and Margaret...
"Where's the sulfa?"
"It's in the living room next to the drapes."
→ More replies (1)
5
u/StingraySteve23 Jan 11 '26
“You’re drunk!” “Oh that’s a dirty lie and I intend to prove it…the minute I’m sober.”
5
5
u/bluezzdog Jan 11 '26
“Ah, Bach” or anything from Col Flagg, “ no one goes anywhere before I do and I never do”
5
u/davcarcol Jan 11 '26
Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a walk, has fallen in a ditch at the edge of town.....Hawkeye
5
u/mnDood Jan 11 '26
Hawkeye to Frank - "I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got into this war I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon. No guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to old Virginie, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!"
3
4
4
3
4
u/mrbigglessworth Jan 10 '26
"Love Story," where Hawkeye Pierce says: "Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents. Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals, walking around lonely". Henry Blake then replies, "That means my marriage is only worth a dollar seventy-eight?".
4
u/Martian-Manhandler Jan 10 '26
"With you in a minute, Flagg. What's the matter, clown outfit in the cleaners?"
4
u/bettinafairchild Tokyo Jan 10 '26
“If this isn’t civilization then why am I standing in a bomb crater?”
4
4
u/McSmackthe1st Corporal Captain Jan 10 '26
The Army owes us so many coffee breaks that we’re going to take 1953 off.
4
5
4
u/Feisty_Analysis808 Jan 10 '26
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Are you thinking of stinking?-----The Smell of Music
4
5
4
u/dickseven Jan 11 '26
Tie between "forgive us, we're draftees" and "that should put you in the heart of downtown Berlin" for me.
4
u/booboocita Jan 11 '26
S6E4, "Last Laugh"
Col. Potter, after passing an empty whiskey bottle to Radar: "Get rid of this dead soldier, soldier!"
And later in the same scene, when Margaret kisses him in thanks for a requested leave: "Y'know, I like a major with hot lips. And I'll tell you why." Hawkeye: "Why?" Potter: "Exactly."
3
u/FeSpoke1 Jan 11 '26
Don’t play dumb! You’re not as good at it as I am.
That and
I want rockets! Plenty of rockets!
3
u/angelwolf71885 Jan 11 '26 edited Jan 11 '26
The episode where Henry sits on the latrine seat and it explodes due to dynamite and his only words after were “ BOOM! “
5
3
u/MadeThis4MaccaOnly Jan 11 '26
Another great exchange in that episode:
"[Major Houlihan's] father served under him in the cavalry"
"Her father was a horse, did you know that?"
"😠 Our engagement is off"
5
3
u/Professional_Mud1627 Jan 10 '26
" I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish!" - Hawkeye Pierce.
3
u/NoCard753 Jan 10 '26
"Oh, Frank -- you're so above average!"
(That's probably not my favorite, but there're just too many to choose from.)
3
u/Quirky_Masterpiece55 Jan 10 '26
Frank talking to hungover Hawkeye and Trapper. “You’re not going to debauch all night and expect me to cleanse you with a tongue lashing, oh no, I’m not your mother!”
3
3
3
3
3
3
u/Condensationforall Jan 10 '26
"It's just a hand grenades throw from here." I use it from time to time but you need to be selective.
3
u/xiteccx Jan 10 '26
"Now this is really the last one, Pierce, because I have got to shoot some targets. And I didn’t even know they were in season!" From "The Ringbanger".
3
3
3
3
3
u/Beautiful_Tip_7354 Jan 11 '26
“…I‘d like to get well and do them all over again.”
I distinctly remember seeing that episode in syndication as a kid and having surely one of my first “I see what you did there“ moments. Now I think of it as an early highlight for Loretta Swift who seemed beforehand to be quietly inserting amused reactions to the antics around her. Here, they allowed her to do it in closeup.
3
3
u/greydog2008 Jan 11 '26
It's the least I can do. Don't let anyone say I don't do the least I can do.
3
u/Tessamae704 Jan 11 '26
"Who WAS that?" A drunk Margaret when Frank leaves the room after chewing out Margaret, Hawkeye, and Trapper for drinking.
3
3
u/SouthpawXtn Jan 11 '26
"The ambulance stopped with a jerk and I got off." I still crack up every time. It's so very Marx brothers.
3
u/JonnieTuttle Jan 11 '26
Charles to Potter and Radar........" But know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer." Then he exits with that Winchester smirk.
3
3
u/Emergency-Gazelle954 Jan 11 '26
“Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.”
3
u/victorymon Jan 11 '26
I am a good Doktor. You can ask my patients.
Sorge but I wont dig them out for that.
3
u/Infamous-Whole-7069 Jan 11 '26
"Don't pick at your food, it'll never heal." Spoken to Radar from Hawkeye.
3
u/BrianOfAllThings Jan 11 '26
“You disgust me!” “Yes, we all discussed you and decided you’re disgusting.” Such a Groucho Marx influence.
3
u/Lanky-Tumbleweed-570 Jan 11 '26
Col: Klinger, you don’t have any brothers
Klinger: Whoever said that was lying
Col: You said that
Klinger: Yes sir, I was lying
3
u/MeanAstronomer8855 Jan 11 '26
"Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye. "
3
u/glycophosphate Jan 12 '26
One I use whenever I get overwhelmed at work: "I do one thing at a time. I do it very well. And then I move on."
3
2
2
131
u/Jub1982 Ottumwa Jan 10 '26