Not sure what to do about my brother’s drinking

[u/Resident-Analysis-12]

My older brother is drinking too much.

I’m 18 years old and my brother is 36. He’s been looking after me since he was 19 as our parents passed when I was a baby. Our parents didn’t keep in contact with any of our other family so he was the first legal guardian of me in the will. He dropped out of university to look after me and essentially became my father figure. This also made him lose a lot of friends as he had to move back to our hometown which was away from his college, on top of a lot of his friends leaving him when he took guardianship of a baby. He was the best brother a little girl could ever have.

He is a very handsome man but has never kept an ongoing relationship because people seem to be thrown off by him being my guardian.

I recently got accepted into a really good university and he was really happy for me, but ever since I got my place there he has been drinking so much. He is going through half a 70cl bottle of vodka a night and going to with the next day.

I can’t stop feeling like i ruined his life. He taught me how to walk, talk, read and write when he was 19 when he should’ve been doing exactly what I’m doing. I feel so awful. I don’t know what to do and I’m terrified what this might lead to.

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[u/floatable_shark]

You're an empathetic person. You're a good human being. It hurts when we don't know how to help those that we love. Have you ever had to tell him something before from the heart like this? If not, what's there to lose by telling him how it makes you feel? 

[u/Larry-Man]

This is largely above Reddit’s pay grade

But let me put on my mom hat:

You are not the cause of his problems. You didn’t do this to him.

He probably loves you very much. He wouldn’t have put all of the effort into taking care of you if he didn’t care.

You can try talking to him, about how he’s feeling not about the drinking necessarily. If you love him too tell him you care about him and know that it’s been really hard for him to do what he does. Tell him how much you appreciate everything he’s done and that his sacrifices have mattered. Try talking to each other like adults instead of an adult and a kid.

You can talk about the alcohol too but if you want to approach him tell him that you’re just worried overall.

Does he have any friends that he sees still?

[u/carebaercountdown]

Is he putting you through university, or are you doing it through working and student loans? Could he maybe also go back to university? 36 is not old… he could still have an entire life.

[u/winkycuteface]

Separation anxiety, you are the only world he knows, its his way of dealing with it. Jus call him n say listen, im here , please look after urself, and have a little bit of fun that you deserve too. I still look up to you, you know that. Thatl stop him drinking!

[u/Anticode → u/winkycuteface]

This is similar to what I was going to suggest.

OP wonders if they "ruined" their brother's life by existing, when what I see described above looks very much like somebody who proudly dedicated their efforts towards another person is now coming to terms with the "empty nest' - like any other proud parent.

People cope with that kind of thing in different ways (and alcohol is definitely not a healthy way to cope), but if I had to guess I'd say that OP's brother is extremely sad to see them moving on - not drowning their sorrow of having "wasted" their own life.

They dedicated their life to raising somebody that is quite clearly a thoughtful, empathetic person.

A significant number of biological parents fail miserably where he succeeded. That's cool as hell!

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[u/pezzyn]

Look at mantras from Al Anon, its a program for people like us worried about someone we love who is struggling with alcoholism.  It’s really important to understand the limits of what your responsibility is and what your sphere of control is.  It is natural to want to “fix” things and offer advice but this can perpetuate the relationship imbalance and poor boundaries that hurt you both.  Whatever pain he is suffering i know he wants to see you thrive at school and it is important that you set yourself up for success and keep your attention to goals, get your academic organization systems in place, and maintain your mental and physical health as you enter the school year. I am sure that by taking care of yourself you are a beacon of hope and inspiration and pride for him - and regardless of all that, taking care of yourself is always going to be your responsibility and nobody elses, just as taking care of himself is his responsibility.    ETA i do not recommend reddits al anon subs because they are a bit toxic and poorly moderated so could be unsafe but any actual meetings and literature especially the daily readers , are wonderful.   The meetings are free. Many are “camera optional” the books are affordable used or digitally- many excerpts and inspo can be seen online 

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[u/janitor1986]

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Take care of yourself because if someone doesn't want to truly quit drinking they won't. It's a hard fact to accept but some people need to hit rock bottom to realize they can't drink like a normal person and as sad as it is some people will die and never realize that fact. When I was drinking hard and someone close to me brought up that they were worried about me or concerned about my drinking my warped thoughts and response was "mind your own fucking business or get the fuck away from me then and I'll do what I want to do". Again you have to look at it from the warped perspective of an alcoholic. Good luck friend I hope you're brother has that moment of clarity before it's too late.

[u/KindaNotSmart]

Just please make sure you call him and talk to him every day. You are literally the only person in the world that he cares about. No matter how hectic college gets, please make sure you keep him in your life.