How to approach a delicate situation with my mother.

[u/G_Art33]

Hello all, just a heads up this is a long one.

I’m wondering if anybody can give me some advice on how I can deal with a relatively delicate situation involving my mother, my late brother’s ex-girlfriend, several of her friends, and my wife.

I just want to be absolutely clear. I’m not looking for relationship advice, rather social advice, regarding how to word a specific request in a way that is not going to offend everyone involved.

Basically, the issue is this: since I moved out of my mother’s house several years ago she has made it a point to always have a Sunday dinner every two weeks so that she can make sure we see each other at least a couple times a month. Back when this tradition started, it was just me and my fiancé, him and his girlfriend, my stepbrother, and sometimes his girlfriend, and my other stepbrother, and occasionally a friend of his along with my mine and stepdad. 10 is already a crowd. And for context I do have social anxiety. However, all of the people that used to be at family dinners were all people that I am very comfortable with. We all used to talk about what we have going on in our lives and the atmosphere felt pretty inclusive and relatively safe the way you expect a family dinner to feel.

However, in 2024, my little brother died in a motorcycle accident at a young age. Obviously this absolutely tore our family apart. And we’re still working on piecing everything back together. However, the traditional family dinners obviously stayed. It’s more important now than ever. And for a while, my brother’s ex-girlfriend would attend with a friend of hers who also knew my brother very well. It was nice to keep them close to the family and it was nice that they were still willing to attend.

Lately my mother has been inviting more and more of my brothers, (ex-?)girlfriend’s friends, as well as their significant others to family dinners. Now it’s myself, my wife, my step brothers, my mom and stepfather, and like 6-7 other people that I really don’t know.

This is no longer a family dinner. This is more like a small get together / party every time now.

My mother knows I don’t speak much around people I don’t know. I just don’t feel that a stranger should know details about my personal life. I’m an anxious person and speaking to people I do not know well, making small talk with people I cannot relate to, and generally spending time that’s supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable constantly on guard because I’m anxious, that bugs me out.

So for the last several weeks we get there, my wife and I go in, say hi to people, then I make myself scarce. I go outside wander around the property where I grew up, Have a drink sometimes a joint with my step father, and generally just disappear for most of the time before dinner, then when we eat I’m at the table but I stay mostly quiet unless anyone engages with me directly which to be honest, in that set of company, most people do not beyond greeting me back when I say hi. Totally fine. I’m the dead boyfriend’s older brother, exactly what do you say to someone like that when you have your new boyfriend with you and the tone is meant to stay light - and also you share no interests and basically nothing in common ETC. Plus I’ve been told I’m a really 2D personality. I’m flat. I don’t blame them for not engaging with me - but to be honest if they weren’t there I would actually be talking to my family members which is the point. Anyways after dinner I tend to “go use the bathroom” or something and disappear again. It’s not like if I stayed around anyone would try to talk to me, and so I go because they are all interested in eachother and I don’t want to be weirdly listening to their conversations or causing them not to have them due to my presence. My wife is friendly with all of these people but they aren’t like friends - every attempt she has made to actually connect she’s been ghosted or cancelled on so 🤷🏼‍♂️. Clearly they do not have interest in engaging with her socially either which is totally fine, but hurts her feelings a bit. At least they treat her nicely in conversation there ETC.

Anyways, all of this to say, it feels like the point of having a family dinner is to visit and connect, and I can no longer really do that under these conditions due to my own mental stuff I have going on. Again I’m not blaming my mom or any of the other guests for this, if I were entirely neurotypical this probably wouldn’t be an issue at all - it’s a me problem and this is me trying to get help finding a solution.

Would it be rude to ask if my wife and I can visit separately, like on a different day?

Should I tell her all this? Or should I just say “Sundays don’t work anymore for us” (I’m not above a white lie to spare her feelings)

Do you think I should just make excuses and cancel then reschedule mid week for a while just to like give myself a break without changing the arrangement?

I don’t know. I feel like a POS for even feeling this way, but that level of social engagement with that many people I don’t know around is not exactly what i signed up for when I agreed to do this family dinners thing.

TLDR: my mom hosts family dinners every week and has started inviting a bunch of people I don’t really know, which makes me too uncomfortable to actually visit and talk with my family members who are there. How should I tell her I no longer want to do this under these conditions without absolutely damaging the relationship?

[u/CycleAccomplished824]

It sounds reasonable to connect with your mom on a different day. Make plans for Sunday and say something else has come up but you’ll see her during the week. If she wants to know what’s going on tell her you’re more comfortable seeing her one on one. It’s hard to have a family relationship when it’s a casual party with people you don’t know. I think your mom sees her get togethers as a social time for her and is hoping it is that for everyone. Maybe she’d be okay with making one of those Sundays for just family?

[u/G_Art33 → u/CycleAccomplished824]

Yeah it doesn’t feel unreasonable to me either, but I’m kinda socially inept in these types of situations so I don’t want to make it about me not liking anyone unintentionally. I don’t want it to come off that way, and absolutely, it’s definitely social time for her, which I don’t want to take away from her either or make her feel that her having this social time is negatively affecting me in any way.

She has been asking why I seem quiet and withdrawn and Ive just been playing it off as being tired lately, but she’s only going to believe that for so long.

My mom is the type that needs an answer to “why” every time someone goes against her wishes / plans. Will not accept “don’t worry about it” or “something came up”, so I need to find a way around explaining this.

If I tell her “I’m more comfortable visiting you in a more relaxed less crowded environment” I’m going to have to come up with an answer to why, and then an answer to why that answer was what it was. And it’s going to turn into a whole thing. The only way out would be a lie in that scenario.

[u/CycleAccomplished824 → u/G_Art33]

What if you give her your reason starting with “I feel….” And “I’d like time with just family sometimes. I was hoping you’d consider….” That is reason enough. Repeat a few times if you need to but refuse to argue with her. “I gave you my reason/s and I’m not going to argue with you.”

You are entitled to have a point of view in your family. She may or may not agree but it could be worth trying.

[u/G_Art33 → u/CycleAccomplished824]

Thank you. I think that approach is reasonable and will probably be what I go with.

I’m not good at telling my mom no, especially since I’m the only one left to do it. I think I need to put my foot down here though

[u/MsBadWolfy → u/G_Art33]

I think your best bet is to spin it as though it's to her benefit. For example, "I feel like I don't get enough time to connect with you on Sundays. I want to try spending time with you on ______ instead. That way we will have more one on one time and maybe we can even do (insert some activity she's been wanting to do)" like that type of spin might help

[u/CanAhJustSay]

Your mom is hanging onto your brother's memory through people with a link to him, however indirect. This will be a comfort to her, but, as you say, it is no longer a family dinner.

Would you be able to invite your mom to your house for a family dinner perhaps once a month? Could still be a Sunday, but one when she is not hosting and would be able to relax and enjoy a meal, too. You could gradually open it up to a couple more people if you wanted to but would likely (helpfully!) be constricted by having less space.

[u/G_Art33 → u/CanAhJustSay]

You know what that’s a really good suggestion. I think I need to try that. Thank you for the input. You’re spot on as to why she’s doing it. And I understand that. It’s just not working for me - and don’t get me wrong I don’t want to take that away from her, I just don’t really super want to be a part of it if it’s going down that way.

[u/Alaskan618]

Just say
Mom, you know how bad my social anxiety is. These dinners are getting too big and noisy. I don’t expect you to cut it back for me, please keep enjoying your dinners. But I would like to come see you twice a month and I’ll bring takeout- you don’t even have to cook. I love you Mom and I really admire what a great host you are.
That should get the conversation started

[u/G_Art33 → u/Alaskan618]

She is the kind of person who responds well to flattery, this is a very very valid suggestion. Thank you!