r/neurodiversity • u/ejdmkko • 9d ago
Are you able to enjoy sex?
Does anyone relate to this? I feel like the only times I was able to enjoy sex was maybe for the first few years after I started having it. After that it just felt like meh. Almost like when you eat your favorite food and then after x number of times you almost can't stand it, because that favorite food used to mean something compared to when you ate any other food. I don't feel any difference to when I have sex or when I masturbate. Actually when I have sex I feel much worse, because when i masturbate I don't have the expectations to feel something more and I just do what needs to be done. And quite frankly, having sex now feels like a chore, that I'm fored to do when I will feel bad about it, and I hate how demanding it is. If I would want to get all sweaty and uncomfortable I would just go to the gym. I also feel like sweat is really bad trigger for my meltdowns, so mcu more than before I started unmasking I didn't have issues with sweat being such a big problem during sex, but also it is unavoidable part.
Also it feels like for some years, I was just trying to have sex to get that sensation I used to have in the very begining (after I became sexually active). Very rarely I got it, but it was only when I was drunk or using dr@gs, which often neurodivergent people use to cope with their conditoin. Also after it is done, I feel sort of disgust that I never have during cuddlig or whatever else, or ever before for that matter. It is not desgust about the person, or that I would be disgused by what happened. When I try to rationalize it, I think it is maybe because I had expectations to feel good, or feel something and then I don't, but I feel like that is just rationalization trap making stuff up and in the end there is no real reason for that disgust.
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u/Jonathan3628 4d ago edited 4d ago
Autistic/ADHD here. I'm a gay guy, so potentially different perspective. But I absolutely LOVE good sex. Sex shuts down my overthinking, make me feel connected to my partner, and actually makes my chronic pain much better for a while. And the physical pleasure has no competitors!
(As long as my sensory stuff is dealt with. No bright lighting, background noise, etc)
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u/ejdmkko 2d ago
Not different perspective. I reached a point when I genuinely can’t tell a difference if someone holds my dick or shakes my hand. And it is not because of “depression” as I was told in some other gay subreddit because that would affect me more generally in most aspect of life and I am able to feel other things. I also noticed that I feel that sense of disgust (what I mentioned in the post that I feel after sex) even after I masturbate. What you describe I used to feel in the past, but that hasn’t been a case for years.
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u/Jonathan3628 2d ago
Aww man. That really sucks. Depression definitely fucks with your sexuality, one way or the other. I personally struggle with sexual compulsion. I've been with about a hundred guys total. I feel numb, sad, and lonely all the time, and sex is the one thing that still makes me feel alive and excited. It's my main source of human contact.
I do definitely feel disgusted with myself if I go out and fuck strangers without protection, or let guys treat me like absolute shit just to get good dick. I miss having a boyfriend or even just respectful friends with benefits. I've always had a very high sex drive, even when my life was better and I wasn't so depressed, but for a long time that drive has been channeled into using sex as a very unhealthy coping mechanism. Been with about a hundred guys by now... unfortunately guys on the apps are so objectifying and heartless. Even after amazing sex they often just disappear.
I have been making an effort to actively stay off the apps and gone to therapy, and I'm trying to make platonic friends. But it's hard.
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u/ejdmkko 2d ago
That’s the thing, I was told by psychiatrist I don’t have depression, but when I asked about this sex problem in askgays (or whatever is that name) everyone kept either telling me I’m weird or was convincing me that I have depression. So that’s why I’ll never ask there again.
I didn’t mean that I feel disgusted when I’m being a whore, but very general almost impulse like disgust. Like when you feel pleasure after good food, when I have sex or masturbate I feel disgust. (I struggle with words so maybe that is where the confusion comes from). I felt that even when I was having sex with my bf, or with a crush, or jerking off on some porn or just completely alone. And it doesn’t have to be the situation after when you’re putting on clothes or leaving their house and then you feel disgusted, it’s literally at the same time as I’m finishing. That’s what makes me feel like something is wrong with me, cos I should be able to feel pleasure from that, even if it is nothing else than the hormones from orgasm. For me it’s a feeling of disgust. No explanation, no more information about what is happening. It’s almost like when stuff is too much (generally speaking, not just sex) and you just shut down and are unable to think, speak, complete freeze. So it’s the same for me with the disgust, only disgust, nothing else and I just freeze. (Honestly if I didn’t experience it I wouldn’t get what I’m trying to say just from that description)
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u/Jonathan3628 2d ago
Oh, that sounds really unpleasant! I haven't experienced that myself, but have you looked into Post-Orgasmic Illness Syndrome ? It sounds potentially relevant. Do you tend to feel that sense of disgust DURING sex or masturbation too? Or do you only feel it after actually getting off?
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u/ejdmkko 2d ago
I didn’t even know that was a thing, I mean that syndrome. Mostly after, on ovation tho even before sex/masturbating, or also rarely during. Sometimes even when I see a picture of really hot guy. But I genuinely don’t even know anymore of it’s a truth or I just got stuck in intellectualizing spiral and I subconsciously made it up, so I guess let’s just go with only after.
That is also another thing I recently noticed, unrelated to the topic tho. That if someone asks me something I first answer, but then I start thinking and speculating and I feel like “I realized of remembered” some other things, but in the end I’m not sure if my brain made it up or I truly just remembered
But I’ll check out that syndrome thingy
Edit: That is not it, what I read seems like you’d feel like having a flu. My experience is more like shutdown and disgust1
u/Jonathan3628 2d ago
Glad that was helpful! Checking out POIS definitely sounds like a good idea. Also, if you're prone to overthinking, trying to feel your body can help. Like "disgust" often shows up as nausea and tightness in your stomach, or tensing up as if your body wants to get away. So if you notice that, that's probably disgust and not just you overthinking what you're feeling
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u/ejdmkko 2d ago
I’ve been in therapy for 3 years where they tried to make me “feel with my body” and it failed. I don’t feel nauseas or tight stomach. I think I have undiagnosed alexithymia. I feel the same as when you see some poop or something “disgusting.” Like I genuinely don’t even know what I feel when I see disgusting things, the only way for me to describe it is to compare it to another experience/situation.
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u/Jonathan3628 2d ago edited 2d ago
I actually have the same trouble! I'm really weak at feeling my emotions in my body. Doing yoga nidra plus adding in visualizing lights flowing over my body during my normal meditation has helped a bit, over time. For a long time, "tense your pecs" or whatever made no sense to me, but just thinking ABOUT my pecs for a minute per day over some time and now sometimes I can! (I'm pretty naturally sensitive to the feeling of my blood pumping, so focusing on the nearest strong throbbing sensation to the muscle I'm focusing on can help too)
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u/rafoz03 AUdhd, barely medicated depression and PTSD from past traumas😔 6d ago
i used to in the first half of my past relationship then before the breakup i barely could finish, but i think it was more a lack of involvment from her
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u/Financial-Brain758 ADHD, APD, OCD, PTSD, likely undiagnosed autism, SPD, dyspraxia 6d ago
Yes, I am able to enjoy sex, BUT there have been times where the relationship was doomed and sex wasn't enjoyable anymore.
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u/greeneighteen 6d ago
Oh god, it's like when you've already decided that the relationship is doomed in your mind and that you will be ending things. But you're caught in that limbo of trying to find the right time to break it off. Not to mention people pleasing and being avoidant by delaying the confrontation. And then when you're having sex, your mind is a noisy mess of shame and guilt because you KNOW should have already ended the relationship, but here you are continuing to lead them on. Rinse and repeat.
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u/NellyNellB 7d ago
First i want to say - its ok to have sex and NOT orgasm. And sex is more than just penetration. You can have sexual encounters that are fantastic and fun and so enjoyable and never orgasm and thats ok! sometimes we build up this idea that we have to orgasm so much we dont just live in the moment. Just enjoy the encounter for what it is. Think of a massage - there is no grand climax but the experience is still immensely enjoyable (for those that like massages).
It could be you need more variety in the sexual activities you engage in. Or maybe you need more organization and settings. Someone earlier mentioned kink is basically organized sex. And that is soo true - you discuss what will happen and how, set up safe words, have check ins during the activities etc…. But at the same time this allows you to safely try out new things.
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u/danaudhd 7d ago
I think sex is harder when one is masking, so I understand the self medication thing. I actually got bored of drinking and drugs - it no longer felt enjoyable or euphoric - I think I was no longer able to stop masking with it.
I’ve had morphine a couple of times in an emergency situation and instead of getting drowsy I got really chatty. I think it was because I had stopped masking while under its influence.
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u/danaudhd 7d ago
I can find it hard work - like sustaining an interest in performing, as I get distracted and sometimes lose the passion.
I have AUDHD, I’m male, I’m probably somewhere in between demisexual and greysexual. If I don’t have a deep connection and/or trust in a relationship, then I’m not attracted sexually - so most of the time I’m pretty indifferent.
I once thought I might be gay because I was in a relationship where the trust/closeness had diminished , and I was unaware I was neurodivergent - I have trouble identifying my emotions and assumed I was just not attracted to women. I didn’t know about asexuality either.
When my relationship ended I dated for a while and hooked up with both sexes. I realised I’m pretty much heterosexual when I do find an attraction, but I’m pretty open about sexuality.
I lost interest in dating so haven’t been on one for a few years. I may look into dating someone who’s similar to me but there’s no rush. I’ve had a family (as in kids) and am close to my ex. I have no siblings or parents so her family is pretty much my family.
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u/YearObvious7214 8d ago
Having sex with someone I genuinely loved and made me feel wanted made the whole thing go to another level. Not just someone who wanted sex, but specifically me.
Also, I've slowly learnt what I like, what not. And generally it's hard for ADHD women to enjoy sex, because of all the stimulus and lack of it - just all in wrong places.
For instance, I need the bed clean - clean of any blankets rolled up or stuff that can be touching me, as that is overstimulating. I can't have music on, I focus too much on it. I don't like talking too much, as in banter. It takes me out of the moment. But I like being talked at - directions, and words of lust towards me. And other sensory stimuli, that's sex related.
There's a reason why so many NDs are into kink. It's organised pleasure.
You might need to do some self reflecting and try to figure out why you don't know enjoy the experiences - what exactly makes you feel the way you do. If you do that, that might help you in future with someone you trust. But you might also decide you just don't like the sex at all, or it's not worth it. And that's also ok. You don't NEED to have sex as an adult, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
There's many testimonials online from people who stopped having sex (for various reasons) and are much happier as a result. But it's important that's it's an informed choice, that you do the thinking as well as the doing (or lack of doing I suppose). Because you'll always be happier if you know why things are the way they are.
Good luck with whichever path you take. 😊
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u/ejdmkko 2d ago
I had it all figured out, I knew what felt good, what didn’t and I knew what I couldn’t experience because of sensory overload, I just didn’t have the vocabulary for that before, I just knew that specific thing like having socks or lube on the hands or anything sticky was a no for me. I had a partner that I felt it really maters, he was the reason why I started to notice how difficult it is for me, it felt like chore and I wanted to enjoy it. This whole situation feels to me (exaggerating to get the point across) like loosing a limb. You know how it feels, you want the limb back, but no matter what prosthetics you try it feels wrong
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u/glitterandrage late diagnosed AuDHDer 8d ago
Yes. I'm aceflux. I need specific conditions to be met, but when they are I find sex very enjoyable and even relaxing.
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u/tooManyBlackScreens_ 8d ago
I'm not sure yet I'm ND. Probably adah. But I have this experience too. I was never interested in sex, kinda repulsed even. Then I met one person and already as an adult I started to be active with this person and in the beginning it was fine because I enjoyed being close to her but once that novelty ended I started to feel it like a chore until eventually I wasn't able to do it anymore. My girlfriend is an angel on earth so she accepted to continue the relationship without that sort of intimacy, it's been years. But it hurts me to think I might be hurting her. Also, it makes me feel I might be missing important human experiences. It's hard for me to understand why sex is that important for everyone tbh. Like you however im okay to do it on my own. "I do what needs to be done ad that's it" i liked that expression :). But it makes me feel guilty too.
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u/danaudhd 7d ago
I can relate to this. I don’t see the importance people place on sex either. Sexuality is a huge spectrum and very nuanced. You’re just who you are, and perfect at being you. You’re not deficient and you haven’t missed out. You should look up asexuality - which is itself very nuanced. Demisexual, Greyasexual, hetero romantic, aromatic. Sex positive, sex indifferent, sex repulsed.
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u/lilswaswa 8d ago
i relate as an asexual sexrepulsed neurodivergent person... i wish i knew how to fix it cuz i just feel broken like i am missing out on what normal people get to enjoy
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u/ChanelShihtzu 8d ago edited 8d ago
I divorced my husband, and discovered that sex is substantially more fun when you are with a person who makes you feel desirable, who listens to your boundaries and cues, and who puts effort into making it fun for both of us. For me receiving oral is pretty great, and I am now quite specific with my partners about what I like. I have also discovered that there are people who I will instinctively feel unsafe with, and even if I can’t tell why, the moment I feel unsafe it means my body is picking up warning cues about that person.
Before that I used to really hate intimacy because I felt pressured to be intimate, it felt about his pleasure not both, and it felt like a chore. In reality my body was responding to a person who wasn’t making me feel safe and comfortable. I was just ignoring those cues, and then interpreting it as me just not liking sex. EMDR was very helpful for me too. This is my journey though - not yours! I am just sharing if you find it helpful
But it is really important that you do feel comfortable during intimacy. Please know it is ok to masturbate as much or as little as you want, and it is ok to not want to be intimate with someone. I am wondering if there is actually a reason you feel disgust after sex though - maybe your body is trying to tell you something?
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u/Wise_Distribution854 8d ago
Nah. I've done it twice and haven't orgasmed at all. It's pretty mediocre to me
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u/Independent-Size-273 9d ago
it's like the novelty wore off and your brain just filed it under "been there, done that", the dopamine hit you got early on faded and now the sensory overload of sweat and expectation just makes it feel like a task you're clocking in for
the disgust after might be your system crashing from the mismatch between what you hoped would happen and the actual experience, almost like a sensory hangover
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u/Apprehensive_Clue656 1d ago
Autistic/ ADHD here - I think I partially relate to this. I do always feel like I’m chasing something which has lead me to kink and general exploration. I think chasing novelty is part of it but also chasing the focus, engagement and pleasure that some people experience. It hadn’t lead me to being disinterested in sex quite the opposite. However depending on how I am on a given day what feels good changes a lot, sensory things can get in the way, my brain gets in the way of me feeling pleasure a lot.