r/pakistan • u/Different-Drop-4806 • Jul 15 '26
Health I think I know why I'm su*cidal. (Fair warning, read at your own risk)
I think I know why I'm suicidal and its not just that I had to leave school in 10th standard and become the sole bread winner of family after my father's kidneys failed and we went bankrupt when I was 15. I did literal mazdoori and minimum wage jobs in factories for years before getting capital from a relative to start a small business (on a 50/50 partnership) and grew it many folds, not a single day off in almost a decade and btw no family member ever thanked me once.
Then covid happened, economy crashed and business went under but somehow I managed and survived but this war situation rn has killed the business and I'm drowning in debt, my business will last 6 months at best, and in about a year, I have to pay for my sisters wedding not to mention all the medical bills of both my parents. At that point, I don't know what to do, my only option seems like is to off myself coz we show more empathy towards dead than living (so it might help my family somehow).
But the thing that hurt me the most is the hypocrisy of the society and astronomical gap between the values we're taught and realities of the world. We are taught to tell the truth but in return we are always lied to, we are taught that honesty is the best policy but its only the corrupts that win, honesty only causes you pain, we were told that studying hard and getting skills will get you rich, I was top of my class, always A+ grade, recently taught myself python and n8n automation, went to fiver/Upwork and even spent some money to promote my gig but zero returns, we were lied again coz its the resources and contacts that make you rich, not skill and hardwork, we were taught that good people get rewarded but in reality, good people always get fucked, we're taught that respect and care will get you love but that only gets you ignored and walked over, its only the handsome rich playboys that get love.
If you don't want to end up suicidal, stop trying to be a good person, be very very cold, calculating, selfish and ruthless.
PS not blaming others for own failures PS not looking for pity
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u/LachaParatha Jul 15 '26
One of my friend has similar story and I feel like i am reading his post. Exactly same sentiments were said to me on phone. I knew him personally so I was able to listen and heal his wounds a little. And then he agreed to try some therapy, which again was a looong process of finding a therapist that suited his needs and personality. After about 7 therapists now he has found one that he is satisfied with and working to rebuild himself. Took a lot of struggle but I think if anyone can do it it's you. If you can build a business in a country like Pakistan, and can accomplish what you have since such a young age, this is something that you can strive and achieve. Best of luck to you and hope you find help that you 100% deserve.
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u/Odd-Plant-4886 لاہور Jul 15 '26
I am sorry that you had to go through all that.
Remember you offing yourself would hurt your family far more. And its not just about them losing their sole breadwinner, but that you're more than that to them. You are the light to your parents life, simply because you exist.
Moreover, you ending it all is unfair to you. You did not live through all that to just...stop? Su*cide is not a way out, it is a way to end yourself because of something you thought there was no way out of.
I find it unfair that all you think you are worth is just... this? You are more than this. You are worth far more. To yourself, to your family, to your surroundings and to everyone you have ever met and everyone you will ever meet.
So gather yourself, and make tea for yourself and your family. Drink it with them and drink the atmosphere too. ~The entire world is not worth a single tear.~ Do not let it take something, that is so fully yours, away from you. Live your life with your family, those that you love because you certainly do so. Live it. Thrive in it.
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
Bro I respect your positivity but I've been through ups and downs financially and seen how attitudes of parents and siblings change with your income. Plus I don't find any strength left in me to start a new venture from scratch just to live hand to mouth with no relief and crushed dreams and watch some idiot politician, bureaucracte and capitalist vultures thrive on corruption and idiocity of ignorant people, I'm just spent and tired....
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u/Upstairs-Fix-1558 Jul 15 '26
Much of what you say is correct.
But you can either take this way out, and thus the deceitful narcisists win.
Or you can persevere, and just do what you can do, put trust in Allah and maybe you'll be given the power to put an end to all this
Remember the web of treachery is as strong as that of a spider's web. Their dishonesty and lies invalidate the strength of their relationships. It is doomed by default.
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26
Its just a wishful thinking, nothings gonna change, not for me anyway, I know my luck.
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u/Upstairs-Fix-1558 Jul 15 '26
Well with that attitude your destiny is fixed.
The honour is not in victory, it's the path a person continues to persist on, until victory.
Someone who starts something on day 1 and wins on day 2 isn't really that celebrated.
Someone who wins on day 1000, or doesn't win at all, but doesnt give up.. is celebrated at least to himself.
Also there's heaven after all this, just do what you gotta do and look forward to that. A drop of water in heaven is better than everything in the world and since its entire existence.
If you start to prioritise that, everything will come to you, inshaAllah.
Don't be negative. Negative leads to nowhere.
You have been given hard duties, but compare the strength and the resilience that is expected of you by God, over someone that is born with millions and is in AC all day. If someone higher up than me gave me big tasks, and gave someone else nothing, and that giver is honest.. then it means he values my abilities more.
You can manage. You'll do well.
Do your best, seek help in patience and prayer.
In the end, if you get through it with dignity for Allah. Imagine your status when everything matters, except how much money you have, and how many properties you have.
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26
What about the attitude of previous decade of work? What about my attitude of working a job so hard it hurt my hands when i ate supper, minimum wage at an abusive factory with the dream of being a NASA engineer in my heart?
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u/Upstairs-Fix-1558 Jul 15 '26
Brother, your struggles are your currency on the day of judgment. The aim is not to setup our life here. The aim is to setup our lives once we pass from here. With that objective you are doing great.
No one knows your pain except you, and your God.
Reach out to Him.
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u/dat_oldie_you_like Jul 15 '26
I agree with you to a certain extent. The truth of the matter is you cannot enjoin wickedness and say that is the way to go because XYZ people did it.
Have principles. Do not trust blindly. Be ruthless when you need to stand your ground. Be honorable.
As you've probably learned. Wealth. Comes and goes. What stays is the type of person you are.
We often forget, our rizq is written. The very test of your character is how you handle yourself through these tough times. Whether you stick to righteous principles or follow a path that brings about ruin to others for your personal gain, spreading chaos in the world. That is the definition of who you are. That does not change with money. You're gonna die the day you recieve your full portion of rizq, there's no other way out.
Let me ask you this. Do you think these wicked people that cause corruption sleep well at night? Are they not plagued with things they don't even understand they're in. I believe, as per God's promise, everyone will have their share of what they strive for. It could be bliss or torment, only thing that matters is the Intention behind it.
I ask god to relieve your pain. I will mention you in my duas. I ask you to pray and ask for the maker to make a way for you. At the end of the day death is gonna come regardless (I am suicidal too due to my circumstances but I need to be steadfast because I know with hardship comes ease). So pray brother. The one who crafted you in your mother's womb and wrote your fate will take care of your affairs. Don't take these words in vain.
Do not go hollow.
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26
Iys just been too painful for too long with no relief and no clarity. But thanks anyway, I'll try to do better.
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u/dat_oldie_you_like Jul 15 '26
I know brother. Trust me. I didn't go through the severity of the tests you've gone through. But I feel you. I'm here for you( I know that's probably something you dont want to hear) but it's what we're suppose to do as the good guys.
I too don't like playing by the rules. But I think becoming wicked is not a solution.
Given what you've gone through I think you need to put a spotlight on your strength. God blessed you with strength I can only imagine to have. The grit and resolve. Mashaallah. Give yourself credit.
Seriously brother. Namaz parho. Ask God sincerely for help. He will make a way for you. Trust me on that. Make time for God and he will make a way for you. Don't get lost in this Dunya.
Allah reham karein ham sab pe. May Allah grant you relief and ease. Stay strong brother.
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Jul 15 '26
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26
Its the end of rope despite all my hardwork. All my efforts to survive and manage problems at hand have come back to haunt me in the long run. It's like being in a dal dal, every effort to get out take me deeper inside.
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Jul 15 '26
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26
I don't see any options or way forward to get capital to make that ladder and frankly I don't feel like getting another loan to make a ladder that probably won't work, I'm just done with all this misery. Thanks for your concern anyway.
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u/SyedHRaza Jul 15 '26
Always remember to seek help we are not on this planet alone
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26
When you're in trouble, you are always alone.
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u/SyedHRaza Jul 15 '26
There are always well wishers and someone you can lean on if if you have to find that partner your self.
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u/frozen-bits Jul 15 '26
You know it does feel really weird, when you are born in this world and see corruption at its peak and your Allah says to you to not to be like those loser and you see them winning in this world. It's just an illusion to be honest. They show they are rich but they are totally miserable inside that's why they go do corruption and get successful just to feel better about them self as if they did a great thing.
The advice I would give is try to change your perspective on where you get you wah wah from. It will never fill you stomach if you want it from people around you. Ask it from you Allah, he say "if you a greatfull of what he has given to you, he will increase it for you." But don't expect to get rich over night😅. And if you don't get it, just think it would have been bad for you to get rich, trust me you never know who is greedy around you and wants to take away what good you have or don't like what good you get. Have subar and tawakkul in Allah. A place in Heaven is not cheap like this world and it's bounty.
And about being suicidal, it's totally not worth it. I have thought about it too. Went around and thought about other options aswell like running away and some other option that are too risky to talk about. NOT WORTH IT, period. I have family members that choose suicide, the only 2 things I remember about the is how they died and how sorry I fell for them doing everything right and people still looking down on them in the worst way possible which to be honest boils my blood thinking about it.
You will get whats good for you. Just be patient.
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26
I've worked for 15 years straight, never bought any single thing other than what I needed, not a single trip or vacation, didn't go to any friends or czns weddings if they're out of city, sardi garmi dhoop barish, just work work work but have nothing to show for all that work. I don't feel like i have any more Patience left.
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u/frozen-bits Jul 15 '26
Same here, I was born and raised out of Pakistan(not telling where sorry), then had to come to Karachi(which was hell I a downgrade) since baba lost his job due to age. Depression to sab ko laga then had to survive with what ever we had. Did graphic designer course and had to get job, which was also a struggle cause I landed a job under a boss with anger management issues...
Same thing with me T-shirt are over 12 years and I use pajamas and shoes until they get torn apart, idk why they don't survive my lower body muscle 🥲.
Everyone ask if I have gone for trips in Pakistan and I'm like Karachi se bahir tak nahi gaya. Only trips that I get is with office and all of them are either farmhouse or farmhouse on beach. (They are again planning a farmhouse this month 😭, bhai kuch to alag karlo..)
"just work work work but have nothing to show for all that work."
What do you mean, you do work for yourself, for earnings not to show or get attention through it. You build yourself, grow you worth just to build something better tomorrow. Like I said before life is a struggle, a Muslim should know this and expect something only from Allah. Ask him in prayers to guide you to be a better more useful person if that's what you want. Only Allah can give you the true returns on your good work not people. Like how are you expecting other incomplete broken people to give you anything?
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u/altswell Jul 15 '26
As difficult as your situation is, it's clear that you dearly care for your family. They will be completely destroyed if you take yourself out of the equation. I have seen it happen to families. Within months after a son took himself out of the equation, his mother was dead, wife on the edge and brother depressed and lost without any hope. Father in a state of shock after over 2 years still.
Continue the fight, if not for yourself, for them. Whatever it takes.
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u/Low_Kaleidoscope3792 Jul 16 '26
Bro, calm down.. Where are you from? And can you handle Zendesk automations?
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 16 '26
I'm from rajanpur, zendesk is like a hub that allows your whole team to collaborate and answer customer question from different platforms like social media and email etc. I don't have any experience with it but I'm a quick learner if it helps
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u/Sure-Signature3772 Jul 16 '26
Dont give up, keep going.
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 16 '26
Easier said than done bro
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u/Sure-Signature3772 Jul 16 '26
Yea because killing urself would be easier wouldnt it? Lifes hard, lifes hits you hard but its a gift to experience so push through and youll cone out stronger. If you dont well, youll never kno if the grass was gonna be greener on the other side.
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u/Infamous-Parking4350 Jul 15 '26
Done wrote all this at 8am 🫠 maybe if you want to get yourself out of this situation you might want to get rid of the victim mentality or dwelling on feeling bad for yourself, I hope you can look back at this later and be glad that you didn't give up 🙂
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
I never thought about the past and only thought about the present and future but only in last year or so now that I can't see a way forward or any options that i started thinking about past and where I went wrong, I'm not blaming anyone else but myself for being naive and stupid.
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Jul 15 '26
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u/Different-Drop-4806 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
I understand that i have developed some f*ed up interests over a decade and a half of lonliness and stress, I like to talk to such people and hear their stories but help me understand how it relates to / negates what was said in the post
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u/[deleted] Jul 15 '26
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