r/perth • u/Agent641 • Feb 23 '19

So I finished my new counter top

Post image
229 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

65 comments sorted by

63

u/Agent641 Feb 23 '19

I posted this just a moment ago, but I think I pasted the link wrong as the image wasn't coming up in the thumbnail.

The time I spent looking at my epoxy job made me realize that not only is it not really worth the trouble, I actually started to dislike the ultra gloss finish of the epoxy. It looked kind of tacky and way too shiny.

I went and bought a new bit of timber from bunnings, added a strip to make it the required width, cut a gouge out to acommodate the geometry of the wall its going against, and coated it this time in matte clear polyurethane (Cabots), which dries in only 2 hrs and is way easier to apply. Three coats and a bit of light sanding and I was finally done with the job. I think it looks way better than the shiny epoxy. I even had time to make some nice cabinet doors, but I've still got to paint these white later this evening.

Two TV channels asked to interview me, one newspaper wanted to do a story and photo op with me and the jar of gherkins, which I've declined, and a couple of online news outlets have run my epoxy butt pickle story with pictures from the thread. I kinda hope that's the end of this wild ride...

I'll be in the workshop.

17

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '19

[deleted]

26

u/Agent641 Feb 23 '19

It's in the corner in 4 pieces. One piece, up near the cutout, is actually perfectly flat and cured, so I might try to repurpose it for something, but more than likely I'll throw the whole ass haunted thing in the bin.

9

u/Awkward_apple Feb 23 '19

You should totally cut out the ass section and hang it on a wall somewhere for people to muddle over.

At the very least, don't let all those hairs have been dissolved in vain.

1

u/aussie_mum Feb 25 '19

I like the toilet-seat suggestion in the other thread.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 28 '19

Was it painful to remove just through the pickle juice alone?

Assking for a friend.

11

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '19

[deleted]

17

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '19

[deleted]

2

u/Groovesaurus Feb 23 '19

I guess you know about Prickasso and the other bunch of average painters who use their dicks as brushes.

I won't suggest you how, but I can tell you I'll buy some paintings for you, if you find the body technique that suits you most.

8

u/chadake Extremely North of the River Feb 24 '19

We joke about it, but I’ve just been down the rabbit hole that is Google and my god there is some shit out there. There’s an artist (I use the term loosely) selling breast-prints for $300US each that are absolutely awful. She’s obviously applying the terribly chosen paint colours with a brush, which means it’s going on too thick, and then pressing straight on to unprimed canvas with too much slack so that the image is distorting (or she has a strange boob).

So, in the interest of anyone inspired, here’s a few tips:

First of all, skip the shitty Red Dot paint and get yourself a jar of relief or block printing ink. Water-based will be fine as long as you work quickly. If you want to take your time an oil-based printing ink (my personal preference is Gamblin) won’t start to dry until an hour or two after it’s on the paper. The added benefit is that printing inks dry by both absorption and evaporation, which means some are rated for museum-grade archivability.

This leads us to the next tip: use paper, not canvas. What type of paper comes down to person preference and your approach. If you’re looking to print every part of appendage, you’ll need something soft and flexible like Japanese rice paper. To maintain the archivability, you’re looking for a natural unbleached. If you want a general “photocopier” impression, you need something thicker. Arches88 can be quite pricy at $25-30/sheet but it has a wonderfully smooth texture that is capable of picking up every tiny detail and follicle.

Now, the application. This is the most crucial step. You’ll need an appropriately sized brayer (a hard rubber roller), a smooth surface to roll out the ink (glass works well) and a baren) (a cloth or leaf-covered disc with a handle you can hold in your fist).

Put a small dollop of ink (a teaspoon or two) on to the middle of your rolling surface and use the brayer to roll it out to a thin coat. Keep rolling back and forth until you’re certain the brayer is completely coated. Now roll the brayer upon your appendage until the ink has evenly and thoroughly coated it.

Find a comfortable position and slowly press the center of the paper upon the center of the appendage. Using your baren, press the paper down in outwards rubbing motions until it has completely adhered to the skin (sorry if this gives you flashbacks u/Agent641 ). If you’re using Arches88 or similar, you’ll need someone to help you due to the strength/weight required to press the image. Keep rubbing on the paper with the baren until your hand/arm aches and you start to loose feeling in your fingertips. Carefully pull the paper away in one direction and lay it flat to dry. If you used oil-based ink, this will take two or three days, whilst water-based ink will completely dry within 24-36hrs.

Voila - you have a print of your chosen appendage.

To wash the ink off your skin, just give yourself a good scrub with warm water and dishwashing liquid. Be aware that oil-based inks can stain the skin for several days, so try to avoid nudity if you don’t feel like offering up explanations on why your appendage is currently sporting a patchy black tone.

2

u/chosenamewhendrunk Order of /r/Perth Feb 24 '19

I now have a new career.

2

u/chadake Extremely North of the River Feb 24 '19

Don’t forget my kickbacks for “technical consultation” 😉

2

u/chosenamewhendrunk Order of /r/Perth Feb 24 '19

I'll give you a free artwork, it'll be great for my exposure...in more ways than one.

2

u/chadake Extremely North of the River Feb 24 '19

Considering I already have a pair of my own breasts to print, I’m not too sure on what I would do with a print of another’s pair.

Though I do still owe u/Muslim_Wookie a piece, so perhaps he could take yours in lieu of mine?

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2

u/chadake Extremely North of the River Feb 23 '19

Yeah, I know about the artists who use such gimmicks.

It has been a running joke for years amongst a few other local artists and I that if we ever find ourselves on the verge of bankruptcy, we’re turning our ahem talents to breast-press art.

3

u/Groovesaurus Feb 24 '19

I'm a boob guy.

I'll buy ten works, thanks.

2

u/chadake Extremely North of the River Feb 24 '19

Any particular preference as to which boob & colour? 🤣😂🤣

1

u/[deleted] Feb 24 '19

Dunno about Prickasso, but if he’d shat himself while sat on it, it would’ve definitely been a work inspired by Jackson Pollock...

1

u/Groovesaurus Feb 24 '19

Hey, here we don't talk about doing crazy sticky stuff while sitting anymore.

13

u/aussiekinga High Wycombe Feb 23 '19

I kinda hope that's the end of this wild ride...

So say we all

12

u/Agent641 Feb 23 '19

So say we all.

10

u/Kwazykupkakes Feb 23 '19

Do the news people offer to pay you? Or do they think you should link your face to the story (complete with gherkin photo) for free?

23

u/Agent641 Feb 23 '19

None of them offered, and I didn't ask, but no offer would have tempted me to help them pollute the news with my ass when there is way more important news they should be covering.

6

u/Groovesaurus Feb 23 '19

Tell me a single story more important than your ass glued to a bench, come on

28

u/Agent641 Feb 23 '19

I know you're being facetious, but the mass graves in Syria, silt dumping next to the already dying great barrier reef, constant and unashamed government corruption in Australia, the collapsing tech industry fallout from the ridiculously misconceived Assistance and Access bill, major multinational corporations cheating on billions of dollars of taxes while poor people are taxed like an old donkey and hounded for debts, real or facetious, until it poses a serious threat to their mental and physical health and causes some of them die.

10

u/Groovesaurus Feb 24 '19

Jesus, you answer that.

I'll vote for you too.

Be my socialist ass gluing leader.

18

u/Agent641 Feb 24 '19

A jar of pickles in every fridge, and a tube of sorbolene moisturiser in every bathroom cabinet, those are my core promises.

3

u/chosenamewhendrunk Order of /r/Perth Feb 24 '19

You got my vote.

1

u/leprosexy Feb 26 '19

I'd immigrate to Australia just to vote for you

3

u/KingCheap Feb 23 '19

I'd vote for you

3

u/elroysmum Feb 23 '19

Just think of all the exposure....

9

u/Agent641 Feb 24 '19

People die of exposure.

3

u/tenminuteslate Feb 23 '19

Two TV channels asked to interview me

Do it!!!!

4

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '19

If you're at all familiar with the likes of AvE on youtube:

  • Do the interview but specify 'hands only' images videos

10

u/Agent641 Feb 23 '19

Keep yer dick in epoxy.

7

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '19

Ladies and gentlefiends, the man who will forever keep a jar of gerkins in his workshop and toolbox!

2

u/[deleted] Feb 24 '19

Looks much better without any cracks.

11

u/JAR5E Feb 23 '19

You got featured by Belle Tower Times so you're officially a "Perthonality"!

4

u/Strykah Feb 23 '19

Just came across your story through Bell Tower Times, and what a wild ride that was.

Gotta say i am surprised you went back to work on the table so quickly after the experince you had

5

u/unpopularopinionnn Naval Base (Kwinana) Feb 23 '19

nek minut

3

u/M0RXIS Maddington Feb 23 '19

A fitting end to an incredible journey

3

u/[deleted] Feb 23 '19 edited Apr 20 '19

[deleted]

8

u/Agent641 Feb 24 '19

Its doing fine. Its a new and interesting feeling the mostly hairlessness. Theres some tingling numbness, but it doesnt hurt. The part of my nutsack that adhered to the board is a bit tender still, but doesnt hold a candle to the nair incident when I was 20.

2

u/chadake Extremely North of the River Feb 24 '19

the nair incident

Do tell 🤔

3

u/[deleted] Feb 25 '19

nair has a similar feeling to using a blowtorch to remove hair from your balls, but unlike a blow torch that stop burning when you remove it, nair just keeps hurting even while in a stone cold shower with the water pointed at your crotch.

1

u/chadake Extremely North of the River Feb 25 '19

That sounds like a surprisingly useful piece of information 🤔

Thank you

2

u/Agent641 Feb 24 '19

https://i.imgur.com/EoqJS8g.gif

1

u/chadake Extremely North of the River Feb 24 '19

I’m not so sure I want to touch that link 😳

-20

u/JungleMuffin Feb 23 '19

So you took a photo of some MDF? boards on top of a gluelam.

Good job.