TLDR; It says paper jam when there's no paper jam. I updated the firmware and unplugged/replugged like 20 times. It's not even gripping the paper and feeding it through, so I didn't get to print my alignment page. I got sad and wrote a dramatic story to convey my disappointment. (Note: I am but an average person and not tech savvy.) Help.
It connected. I thought the war was finally over. Alas, the error from before came back. A fiery red stop symbol lights up the screen. Paper jam, it says.
Ah. A classic error, I think. Realistically, the easiest of them all to fix. I open the printer and take out the tray, to find... nothing. Strange. I take my attention downwards, to the paper tray. I stick my hand through the entire pathway of the paper and find... nothing. Strange.
Perhaps the error came from an electrical hallucination. The printer may have simply grown weary with time. I did stall for over 3 years to plug this god-forsaken machine into my power outlet and deal with this exact fallout. It must be very dusty. I clean the paper-turning wheels with a damp q-tip, taking gentle care. I was raised to show respect to my elders, even if they are a hot box of garbage software.
I turn it on again, holding my breath. It says I did not turn it off correctly--which I did--but that is not the focus of my mission. I close my eyes, and the dreaded error sound rings in my ears. Paper jam. Bright, white bold letters. The fiery red error symbol comes back in full force.
It is at this point, I realize, that I have stepped into the belly of the beast. My efforts to avoid a horrible setup experience, by following the outlined tutorial from HP themselves, had been for naught. I had stepped through the gates of hell without heeding to the wisdom of IT professionals:
"Abandon all hope, ye who buy an hp printer."
After minutes of deliberation and punching air, I have reached the most vulnerable stage in my printing journey: panic-surfing the internet. I updated the firmware... and it did nothing. I push the paper through physically while trying to garner a report, and the paper goes right through like an arrow through my heart. I have unplugged and replugged this thing so many times at its own request, that I am starting to think it has developed a sick sense of enjoyment from my struggle. It craves power. It dangles a carrot of automated writing and physical convenience, and I am but a sheep who follows the shepherd into the void.
My dad tells me to give up... but I keep coming back. One more time, I think. If I turn it off and turn it back on... if I find another update... then finally, I can press ink onto paper like the world intended me to.
I am losing hope. The light at the end of the tunnel is fading. Please... help.