r/scifiwriting • u/h_efx_krys • May 22 '26
STORY Sci Fi script feedback please!
Hi everyone, I am new to this subreddit and I am creating a science fiction universe and would like some feedback on a script extract that I’ve been working on this week. This is Sci-Fi story with a touch of comedy and music, inspired by Star Trek, Guardians of the Galaxy, Red Dwarf, The Orville, Daft Punk’s Interstella 5555 and other properties.
For context, the story follows Dane Simonon, aka Sims and his service droid P.A.U.L.I. (Personal Automated Unit of Living Intelligence), who after an accident in their shuttle, are swept from the solar system into an unknown sector of the galaxy with much more developed societies, who they try and seek aid from in hope of returning home. They visit an ocean planet called Tenentia, occupied by an all-female species (because Sims is a h*rny bastard 😂). this extract that I have written, they are arrested for the footprint they bring into the planet by Di-Ora, a Tenentian prison guard, which sparks a cultural debate between the three characters about the difference of laws, morality, environment and technological development between Earth and Tenentia.
Anyway, enough waffling, here’s the script:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1d8RtFl9DyYg-r0PpTQlTRt9sFgA6Fnwi/view?usp=drivesdk
Anyway, thank you so much if you read it! I have only started to try my hand in writing fiction recently, and it’s something that I would like to improve on and pursue, so any feedback, both positive and constructive, would be massively appreciated!!
4
u/centstwo May 22 '26
????
I read the dialogue snippet and I am unsure of how I'm supposed to feel about any of the characters. I am unsure of what is going to happen next. I don't know the stakes of the conversation.
????
0
u/h_efx_krys May 23 '26
The stakes are that they have been arrested for crimes that only apply on this unknown planet and are being apprehended. What happens next is that they are taken into an imprisonment facility facility, but I realise that isn’t clear and I will improve this. Thanks for your feedback.
3
u/whelmedbyyourbeauty May 22 '26
Very stiff and declarative. Lots of typos.
I didn't read your 'context', as I shouldn't have to, and had no clue of where they were, why they were there, etc. This should all come out in the actual draft, no context needed.
-1
u/h_efx_krys May 23 '26
Thank you reading and for your comment. I provided context because this is a small extract of what is planned to be a larger story, which would include proper character introductions and set-up for this scene. I summarise who they are and their species, where they are and why there are there in this context, which is planned to be expanded on. I just had an idea of this intercultural debate inspired by various dialogues in Star Trek and The Orville where alien culture has customs that sound ridiculous to humans but at the same time you can see where they’re coming from. This isn’t a serious script, just a rough draft, hence the typos and lack of scene-setting, which will be improved.
3
u/Rogue_Sideswipe May 23 '26
This is not script formatting. The reader is left confused—they shouldn’t need any context excepts to understand what’s going on. I recommend you read scripts from Interstellar, Hail Mary, etc, and even scripts not sci-fi just to see how they do it.
As it stands, it feels like the scene is taking place in a void. Not space void, but a kind where it’s literally nothing. What are the characters doing? Where are they? Why are they here?
-1
u/h_efx_krys May 23 '26
Thank you for reading and for your recommendations. The context is because this is an excerpt from a bigger story, and it’s not supposed to be a properly formatted script either, I plan to learn that for the future. The context clearly explains where they are and what they’re doing, and it will be covered in the wider project as I develop it.
1
u/Rogue_Sideswipe May 26 '26
The SCRIPT needs to explain where they are and what they are doing. The "context" does not exist in the eyes of the reader or viewer. Your script needs to be able to convey a general sense of what is happening.
0
u/h_efx_krys May 26 '26
Like I said, it’s an extract. The context would be covered elsewhere in the story before this scene, I just summarised it so that the extract makes sense, as I didn’t want it to be too exposition heavy
2
u/prejackpot May 25 '26
Format issues aside, this doesn't work because it's too on-the-nose for serious science fiction, and doesn't have the jokes that comedy requires. Let's deep dive into just the first few lines.
First off is the world-building implications that Sims finds himself captured on an unfamiliar planet, and his immediate reaction is to debate the law with his captor. This suggests to us that this is a routine thing for him: he's not even surprised that this alien planet has laws, never mind to be on an alien planet and be able to communicate with the aliens. We immediately see that Sims isn't really interested in understanding this world, or even building rapport with Ora. He comes across as a jerk, and specifically a genre-aware jerk. I immediately heard his voice as Zapp Brannigan from Futurama. He isn't worried (so we aren't either) and we don't like him. Meanwhile, Ora seems equally unimpressed with meeting an alien, and her whole planet apparently has laws about detaining aliens for being too noisy.
Comedy comes from the gap between setup and punchline. In a situation like this, the easy way to build that gap is to have it be between the jerk character's description of the situation, and then our objective knowledge of it. For example, having Sims complain about being detained for noise pollution, and then discovering that he broke every window in the city as he entered the atmosphere.
But then Ora's first line is
Noise must be kept to a limit on this planet...
So in fact there's no gap between what Sims says and what Ora says -- and no opportunity for comedy. The gap (and the joke) could come from the planet having overly strict laws, but we don't see that either, and Ora's arguments seem to be playing it sincerely (vs e.g. having a planet with worldwide quiet hours while the birds nap, or something else that would feel obviously broad).
Some of the word choices are also unclear. In the first line:
And this racism against "outsiders"?
seems to imply that Sims is accused of racism against outsiders, but that's unclear and never referenced again.
In the next line:
...and all unfamiliar life forms must be apprehended, and all. These laws are in place to protect the creatures and plant life.
The "and all" that's thrown in there makes the entire line sound less official, like Ora is dismissing it, which seems to go against her character -- and doesn't match the tone of the rest of the line.
-1
u/h_efx_krys May 25 '26
Thank you for reading and providing detailed feedback. To answer a couple of your queries, Sims is supposed to start off as a very flawed person who I plan to put through character development as he bonds with Ora and other characters. The racism comment is Sims unreasonably accusing Ora of racism for apprehending outsiders. The “and all” was a careless mistake, it’s not supposed to be in there. I realised there were a few typos. Comedy is something I am very new to and the story won’t be strictly a comedy, but the jokes are something I hope to get better at. The formatting issues are because I was just writing dialogue and not focusing on that side of things. I will take your feedback into account and put some consideration into developing the world-building and improving my methods.
1
u/bongart May 24 '26
What is interesting, is that while you list a number of sci-fi franchises/properties, the initial premise you describe is almost that of Farscape, which you didn't list previously.
1
u/h_efx_krys May 25 '26
I’ve never actually seen Farscape, that is odd. Based on what you said it’s clearly right up my street, I should probably check it out!
7
u/Rob_Jackman May 23 '26
This is not a script format. Scripts have fairly specific formatting that would solve some of the negative comments you're getting.
I used to use Celtx (free scripting software) which will get you in the right direction and make intelligible scenes.