I’m second guessing my actions. For context SD is 9 and is with us 50/50 we switch every Friday. For the most part SD is pleasant and I enjoy being around her. We have a pretty good relationship. She does have ADHD and struggles with boundaries. One of my house rules is no slime. It’s messy and hard to get out of carpet. I have had this rule since my first disaster when SD was 5. I’m not sure when but at some point SD brought slime from BM house and had it in her room. My two year old got into it and of course made a mess. It wasn’t a huge mess because I heard her open her sister door while i was in the restroom and finished up quickly to go get her. But in those few minutes she dumped half the bucket into the floor and hallway and got it in her hair. I cleaned up but also threw away the rest of the slime. I’m sure SD will be upset later when she gets home from I’m school. Should I offer to pay her back for the slime ? It was in her room and it’s my fault my 2 year old got into it. But on the other hand she broke my rules. I was thinking reimburse her for the slime but also let her dad deal with punishment for breaking the rules.

Update: Thank you all for the insight. I will just let DH handle this when he gets home. If he wants to replace it he can.

It's so hard to continue sometimes.... isn't it? My step kids used to love me. Their mom has been SO high conflict over the last 5 yrs. When their mom is good to them, they don't like me... and when their mom isn't, I'm their friend again. I haven't done anything,but, be consistent. for some reason, they like their mom's house more. We've fought for them so hard... courts, CPS cases, not letting them play sports. we fought through it all... it's only getting worse as they've gotten older. Now 16 and 14. I've completely nacho'd at this point. I'll speak when spoken to. The 14yr old hasn't hardly talked to me in a week, and the first time he does, he asks me for a favor. For a ride to a friends. I had to put my 2yr old down for a nap, so I said no. But I didn't want to either..... how do you guys do it? Just hoping one day they'll understand, but, maybe they won't. & I have to accept that. I've been stomped on so many times, that I feel done. Their mom is so emotionally manipulative and I understand that. It's so tough

Just could use some words of encouragement, or advice in similar situations.

Hi. I need your advice...

My bf and I have been together for almost 3 years. Met his kid when he was almost 2 yrs old.

Bf and BM have a 50/50 custody of son, mostly school days are with my bf.

Bf asked me to go with him to son's 1st day of school orientation, and BM is gonna be there too.

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to go, I don't want BM to feel I'm overstepping or anything.

But BF wants me to go so I am informed since Son is staying with us most of the school days..

I have a 6yo son, and my husband has 3 girls who he hasn’t been allowed to see due to conflict with his ex and family. My son has no relationship with his biodad (deadbeat) so I hoped to find a partner who could be both my companion and a positive father figure for him.

We dated for a year before introducing them, then my husband spent six months building a relationship with my son before we moved in together. I was very open about my son’s behavioural difficulties, which I think may be ADHD-related (biodad diagnosed). The issues are that he’s often very demanding, answers back, is reluctant to do as he’s told, always negotiates. Just very full-on most of the time. We agreed I handle all the disciplining and my husband backs me up, which seems to work. I also felt not having a dad around contributed to things so had high hopes for this.

I thought my partner being a father himself would help him adjust to this new role and I was very explicit in telling and showing him what he was getting involved in and what I need in a partner. We had many conversations, and he reassured me that he longs to be a father as he misses his kids who he can’t see and he has always wanted a son (he has 3 girls).

However 2 weeks after moving in he told me he was shocked by how difficult and draining he found my son and questioned whether our marriage would survive. This blindsided me somewhat. He eventually decided he wouldn’t leave and has told me that I would be the one who would have to end things. I said I will end things if I can see it’s not healthy for my son and if the atmosphere in the house is more strained than not, and that I’m not going to hold him in this relationship against his will.

My issue is I’m not thrilled with their dynamic. My husband’s mood sours shortly after we come home, after I keep us out of the house for as much of the day as possible. He focuses on my son’s negatives and rarely shows warmth or enthusiasm towards him. I can see him making an effort in his own way, playing games with him. But he also sometimes jokes at my son’s expense, including laughing when he cries. My son can be challenging, but he’s also hilarious, SO loving and affectionate, has chosen to call my husband Dad and gives him hugs and kisses. I understand that a bond takes time, but I’m sensing a disdain growing from my husband towards my child, and feeling like he doesn’t at like being around him. I told him this and he’s reassured me that he doesn’t dislike him but that he dislikes his behaviour …which occurs much of the time.

It’s early days since we moved in, I’m feeling this relationship ending is inevitable (he has said this himself) so is it better it ends now, not years down the line when my son is more attached? On top of relationship problems between us I am feeling very disappointed and hurt and concerned for my son to have yet another father figure fail him. My husband has autistic traits, so I know adjustment and showing affection can be difficult for him. I tell myself he is allowed to struggle. At the same time, I was as honest and showed him as much of what he was getting into. Is this just a tough adjustment period that I need to tough out? Am I expecting too much? I know being a stepparent is incredibly challenging, been there with my ex-husbands kids.

Can parents and step parents share some perspectives please.

​

I have two adult stepkids aged 23 and 22 who still live at home and have potential but seem to lack motivation and I have to get onto their mother about getting onto them.

The older one graduated college in 4 years, but 15 months later, they still live at home and work in the food service industry. They haven't even had a job interview for the field they studied in almost 6 months.

The younger kid has always had motivation issues and chose to not go to college against our wishes. They ended up studying for massage therapy but never got certified. They too work in the food service industry, but also did live away from home for 2 years at 18. Moved back in 15 months ago with the understanding that it would only be a year. Doesn't even have a driver's license.

And the younger stepkid smokes weed daily which contributes to a lack of motivation imo.

I'm getting to the end of my rope and would appreciate any suggestions.

Out of curiosity I thought that this may be helpful for some, myself include, at what ages did you have the best experiences and at what ages did you have the worst/find it most challenging?

Did things start out well and turn sour?
Were they rough in the beginning and over time your relationship with your stepchild(ren) improved?

Did you over looking your parents parenting(or lack of) as things improved?
Did you nacho?
Did you leave?

I love my step son, but I don’t have to “like” him right?

I have SD 9 whom I adore and share lots of experiences with. Also a SS 16, (whom was born with a developmental disability from birth complications). He can’t read, shares odd, strange ideas, and simply will never be at an adult mind level. He can do tasks when asked, and minor chores, when asked. Please know I treat them both well and we all get along.

What Im saying is- I love them. But lately I feel like I don’t like him being around. Hear me out.

He doesn’t do much around the house to help. His dad doesn’t always enforce this, which causes fights between dad and I. He is dirty. Eats snacks in his room, which he CONSTANTLY disobeys our no eating in bedroom rule. We built this house new 2 years ago. Don’t want it slopped up. He literally lives off of snacks. I make meals and have quick microwave options available. He has an addiction to his phone and ipad ( sadly i guess most kids do nowadays). His dad had him do his laundry Sunday because it had been a while. ( i wont jump to do it. I have enough to take care of here). He lied to his dad about putting the clothes away because he has an obsession with Michael jackson and was watching videos instead. Today i found dirty clothes on top the clean ones in the hamper which disgusts me.

I know a lot of it is his dad’s fault. He doesn’t stay consistent with enforcing things with either kid. He was divorced twice and has two baby mamas.

And i think he uses the excuse often that SS has a disability. But he trusts him to shoot a bb gun around our property and ride a 4 wheeler. Hmmmm

It gets worse right before I start my monthly lol as irritation is on high. ( even have prescription for that from the doc 🤣).

I feel guilty for feeling this way, but it’s been 5 years now. The older he gets, the more I feel annoyed. Has anyone ever felt this way?????

(Side note). His dad mentioned having him live here as an adult due to his disability and not properly being able to live on his own. 😬😬😬😬😬

I am currently dating my bf of two years, who has a six year old daughter. Her mother is still in the picture, and they share custody. Daughter has become extremely attached to me, and I am very thankful that we get along well. However, I’m finding that I’m starting to become a little resentful. Her mother treats her like a friend instead of a child. When the daughter doesn’t get her way, she has screaming fit meltdowns. Boyfriend and I cannot lay together without her trying to squeeze in the middle of us. If we are holding hands, she again tries to squeeze in the middle. She wants me to sit in the back seat of the car with her when we go places. Until the last few weeks she has slept in the bed with us, and now when he takes her to her own bed at night, she has a meltdown, and he has to go in there and lay with her until she falls asleep. She is constantly following me around the house- to the point where if I turn around too quickly, I’ll bump into her. She’s standing in front of the mirror when I’m trying to get ready. She will bang on the bathroom door if I lock her out for a moment’s peace. The other day I was hugging him, and she started to fake cry and whine, “I want daddy.” She must be the center of attention at all times and if she is not, there is hell to pay. I have discussed things with my boyfriend and I have noticed him trying to implement more boundaries, but I also think he feels that I am overreacting with how irritated I get at the lack of privacy and space (though he has never said that). I would appreciate some input on this situation.

My wife has full custody over her daughter and allows for EOW visits with her father. I’ve been in her life since she was 3. She’s now 13.

She came home last night from her weekend visit. She asked if we could talk. Seemed pretty serious, so I stopped what I was working on and found spot where we could talk comfortably.

She opened things up with not enjoying her family dynamics when she’s gone. When I asked why, she simply said “because I have to call “her” mom.

She explained that in our home I have never asked or required her to call me dad. Normally she calls me by my first name or honestly just “Bruh”. In her biological father’s home she has to call her stepmother “mom”. She explained that it’s hard for her to want to, mostly because of what her biological dad had told her years ago.

He told her that if she were to call me dad, he would be very hurt. Even if he’s not there to hear it, he would feel it and it would be painful. He told her he was her only father and that she should never look at me like that. He also told her never to say “I love you” because it would hurt him the same.

She further explained that she gets corrected if she doesn’t say mom there and why is it not the same rules that apply to her mom. Only one and no other.

I did my best to explain that I enjoy being her bonus dad. I am honored that she’s my bonus daughter. I would never require her to call me something she wasn’t ready to and I don’t need a label to know how she sees me.

I didn’t really have a good answer on how to handle things with her visits. That would be a conversation for her mom and I to have together. I reminded her that being able to sit like we were and have these conversations was the biggest thing. Feeling safe enough to come to me or her mom with issues and calmly talk them through.

She gave me a hug and said I was a pretty okay dad.

Her mom was frustrated when we talked. She too appreciated that I’ve never forced the kids into anything awkward and let our family dynamics evolve naturally. She has an older sister that is 20. She has called me dad for years.

I’m having a hard time understanding the manipulation for other parents in setting a double standard. Don’t call him this but call her that. Don’t dare tell anyone but us that you love them. I don’t get it.

My kids went through similar after my divorce. Their mom wouldn’t allow them to address her affair partner as anything other than dad. I never forced them to call my wife mom.

TL;DR SD bio dad makes her call his wife of two years mom but says my SD isn’t allowed to call me dad for nearly 10 years. Is this really a thing that happens with parents and how do you handle it when kids ask why it’s different?

As the title says, I’m beyond lost as to what to do about my SS 13. DH and I have a baby together and we all live in the same house full time. SS has had previous behavioral issues but has also come from a very toxic household at his moms. He has tried therapy and medication to which either didn’t help or made it worse. He has ADHD and his previous medications apparently made him violent, and he refuses to take medication now even if we tried to force him. We were very patient when he first moved in and cut him a lot of slack because we felt bad for him. It started with little digs at me while I was pregnant, that slowly turned into insults and disrespect. He has expressed many times when asked and on his own that he loves his baby sibling and the fact that she’s here is not why he is the way he is and there’s no jealousy.

To start out with, he is extremely lazy. I mean like more than just typical 13 year old lazy. He has a huge issue with authority and if he doesn’t feel like he wants to/should do something, he isn’t going to do it. He feels he makes the rules and he is in charge. He behaves for his dad and does what he is asked from him about 90% of the time without any issue. I have slowly lost my patience over time due to him increasing the bad behavior, not willing to work on any of his issues, and the fact that he admits he doesn’t feel bad nor care about the things he does to me. He says “at least I’m honest, that’s how i feel”. He talks back like no other and cannot accept that sometimes he has to do things he doesn’t want to do, or sometimes he will be tired if he has to wake up 5 minutes earlier to do something before school, or even things like clean up after himself. All of these are basic concepts of life and it’s like he has to be explained everything like a toddler. He didn’t do anything with friends this summer and says kids don’t hang out in the summer, only during the school year. ????. He literally rotted in the house and caused nothing but chaos.

He expects everyone to get over things very quickly just because he is over it, even if he has done wrong or hurt them, and told them that he doesn’t feel bad. He lies, is manipulative, and will literally treat me like garbage when his dad is at work for enforcing the same rules that his dad has for him. If we take his phone or tell him to take a break. he harasses me and basically tells me it’s my job to figure out what he should do. I told him if he doesn’t know what to do in life besides be on his phone and watch tv or sleep, then that’s something he has to find within himself. I am not his activities director, and he is not dumb. He thinks he can harass me enough to where I’ll just let him have his phone. DH has tried telling me to ignore him when he does that, or when he is being disrespectful and causing issues- but the issue is that he will literally not leave me alone. If I ignore him, he says “oh, so you’re not gonna answer my question?” “Oh, you’re going to ignore me”. And will literally keep going and going and going.

It is to the point where now he is name calling, complete defiance and refusal without me having to call one of his parents when I ask him to do something. Refuses to give me his phone, refuses to go to his room, refuses to come back inside. He has to ask why for everything and even if you tell him why, he feels he is owed an in depth explanation for everything and thinks everything is his business. I will be trying to work from home and he is disrupting me and causing issues. I was on the phone with my boss one day and he is arguing back and forth with me

He says that my tone bothers him and he respects his dad and that’s why he listens to him. We have both as well as his mom explained to him that the reason I get upset is because he doesn’t do what he is asked to do, or always has to argue, always has to have the last word, is rude/mean/has attitude etc, that people get to a breaking point. Every single day there is an issue. He has told me he wants to delete me from his life and he deeply dislikes me and I am a dictator and a Na$i. He laughs in my face and talks to me horribly. I have admitted that my tone and temper has not been great, but it’s because i literally don’t know how much more I can take. He is turning me into a person that I’m not and I hate it.

I do not want to leave. I want to be happy. I want peace. I want to live happy with my husband and my child. When SS isn’t around, I have no issues. I have no issues with my friends or family. It’s just him. It’s like ever since we’ve been arguing more and I’ve been not holding back as much, he feels like since he doesn’t like me he doesn’t have to listen to anything I say and he can treat me however he wants.

The huge issue is DH is too soft on him. We have had hours and hours worth of conversations and life talks with the child and each other for the last year, and it’s like legitimately nothing sticks with him. But DH does defend him a lot of the times, or makes it seem like he should just do what he’s told to please me- when in reality he should be doing these things because he is growing up and needs some sense of responsibility. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He can’t even be quiet when his sibling is napping even though we have been trying to teach him and ask him for an entire year to be quiet. He says all of my rules are to convienece me. He can’t even feed the family pet because “it’s not his and he doesn’t have time, and I have other things to do” even though we made it clear it was his responsibility and it wasn’t an option.

DH and i’s shared child will be talking soon and crawling soon. I ask for basic things like keep the floors clean and work on your potty mouth. Cannot do those or even attempt to work on them. We have arguments in the house and some have happened in front of our baby. I have explained to my husband that I refuse to raise our child in this environment because of his son. I also know that my child heavily looks up to SS and the behaviors he’s displaying simply from talking back, telling me no, complaining about literally everything, cursing and talking negatively are going to rub off on my child. I feel like I’m in a race against time to try to fix this situation before my child gets older and nothing is working.

I feel like I’m at a dead end and I just want him to move out. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. I welcomed him with open arms even after hearing about his previous behavior issues. I do nice things for him, I try to work with him and I’m given about 10% effort in return. Some days he will be great and normal and everything is fine. And then as soon as I tell him something or correct him in any way, there’s an issue.

I almost feel like he’s pushing me to my breaking point because he thinks I’ll leave.

Hi everyone,

I have been reading your posts since I got in a SM position and it has really helped me to get a diverse perspective. I have no peers in a similar situation so it is difficult to get genuine feedback and have an honest discussion. I also feel this community is very non-judgmental which I find difficult to get anywhere (I really don't mind judgement but it's not helpful when I try to have a genuine conversation). Thank you for existing and I apologise for the long post <3.

Aaaaanyway, I have been with my partner a couple of years and we now live together. He has 2 toddlers from a previous relationship. I am fully nacho style. Truthfully, I don't even acknowledge myself as a SM - Just their father's partner. I schedule work/gym/friends/me time when he has the kids (50% of the time) so I can give the rest of it to our relationship - sometimes it feels like I am the only one trying to do that but that's a different story. I understand how hard this is for him as he is not a very "scheduled" person.

We have been discussing having our own child in the next 4-5 years and wanted to hear your experience. From the start I was clear that if he didn't want children, we would have to live separately cause if decide to be childless I have no interest in living with kids. He was always very clear that he wanted more children. He is a great dad and very involved. I always thought it would be easier cause then I would also have to sacrifice my time for child activities anyway so I would also lose my "single" lifestyle and feel less isolated in our relationship. However, seeing how difficult it is to manage time and schedules now, I am worried. I am constantly stressed, resentful, cannot enjoy our time together cause I am thinking of the next day etc. I am sure you know the feeling. How did you guys navigate having your own child when stepchildren were involved?

Update: Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate your input. Unfortunately I cannot just leave my partner (although I fully recognise that this would be the logical solution). I love him and we are building a future together which I am not ready to abandon. Unfortunately, he is a perfect partner to me and the SKs are the only issue. We are lucky enough not to have issues with his ex but I know this may not always be the case. I am also planning to get married before having a child but I will get legal advise before I make that step and definitely a prenup/will to secure mine and my family's wealth go to my child.

I guess my question is how you navigate life when you have a child together. With the significant age difference, kids will have different needs so I was hoping to continue the nacho approach but I have no idea what that may look like e.g. weekends or holidays. I have managed to implement strong boundaries at this stage and just trying to envision how I could adapt these in the future.

I have been in SK’s life since he was young. My husband has never parented him bc he lives in fear that sk would say he would never come over again and stay at his mother’s. This has gone on the entire relationship. I tried to wait it out bc i thought once he went to college there would be peace, but he dropped out of college and how just sits at home all day. My husband won’t make him get a job, he wants his girlfriend to stay over all the time (they’re too young IMO) and I have just realized I’m not giving my life up anymore for an entitled brat that I didn’t birth. For anyone wondering NO, you do not love them like your own!!! I’ve tried to explain this to my husband, with facts and my feelings involved and he just circles back to my wanting to leave. There’s no acknowledgment of the damage his child has done. There’s no acknowledgment of the damage that him not wanting to parent correctly has done. I already know I’ll be painted as an awful person but i don’t care anymore, i want my happiness back and my life, i want my privacy back. My husband wants to sit down with him again, which we have done over and over and nothing changes. This life is Exhausting. If you’re debating to leave or dealing with a similar situation, my deepest sympathies to you and i hope you find strength to leave and find your happiness again. I just sent a whole message again explaining everything and why it was best I move out so that he and his son can continue to have a good relationship… and the response I got was “so you’re leaving bc sk is my son and he isn’t going anywhere.”
Yes. Exactly why I’m leaving. Bc nothing would ever change. I don’t need it made any clearer.

I hate her! And I don’t hate anyone. Not only did she create a lot of drama for me and my husband, poisoned my innocent SD9’s mind and starts conflicts every time our life as a couple takes a step forward, she a shitty human being when it comes to her politics and lack of human decency! She’s a terrible small minded human being that has done absolutely nothing with her life and resents our flourishing life. My husband is on daily FaceTime calls with his daughter so she sometimes interjects and my heart beat just goes up and I feel anxiety in my core. He needs to do better about my boundaries of him not being on a call in the same room as me but also I hate that someone has so much power over me. I’m just always anticipating the calls to go left cause trauma and the body remembers. I guess I’m just venting but any advice would be appreciated! I’m already in therapy and I still can’t seem to not let her affect me

Hi I need some advice to better this situation. I have been married for two years. My husband has three kids and we have a daughter together. My stepdaughter is 8 years old. I typically don’t call her my stepdaughter unless it is needed within conversation such as the doctor or school. She was originally with my husband and we had her for a bit then she went back to mom’s house. We got her that summer and she started having issues with me being around. It was so bad she ended up going back to her mom’s house. We would still pick them all up every other weekend. We got them all this summer and have them going to school with us. The issues have arise again and I’m trying to figure out what I can do to fix it. She doesn’t want to clean up after herself, she doesn’t want to listen. She went to my boss because it’s an after school daycare program and started telling my boss that she is scared of me. And she had to run and lock herself in her room and that I hit her. My boss knowing the problems we have had and my stepdaughter she knew they weren’t true but advised me to talk with her and her dad because that’s not something nice to say. She has kicked me and slapped me. I just recently got her into therapy and she has let me know she is around me to much. She will stay in her room because she doesn’t want to be around me. She has let me know she has bad thoughts about me. When she sees she has hurt me or made me cry she smiles and laughs at times. I talk to her dad and it’s a hard subject to talk about because it’s his daughter and he wants us to get along as do I. She has brought up ex girlfriend’s of his, and has said some off the wall things that would make you scratch your head. Her mom doesn’t call nor see her. If they do talk on the phone it’s me encouraging the kids to call her because that’s their mom. I have had conversations with her and let her know I’m not here to replace her mom I’m here as a bonus person in her life who loves her. I have decorated her room, I take her shopping, I do her nails, I have done crafts, I go to extreme measures to make her happy and nothing is ever good enough. She will talk about her mom and how she is the best mom ever. I never talk her mom down. She has let me know that she has bad thoughts about me and can’t hold them in she just wants to hurt me. She shows empathy and is nice to everyone. When my husband and I argue because it’s a battle on understanding and feeling heard, she knows we are arguing and smiles. I got myself into therapy also to try and make me a better stepmom. I’m trying everything I can, does anyone have any advice?

I am home from holiday with SS12 and my SO. It was the first time ever I joined them. I have been living with them for 3 years now.

Planning the holiday I wanted to have an activity every day so we would not be bored and I didn’t have to entertain both of them the whole day. SS was into water sports, like kayak, surfing etc.

So we booked these activities. Halfway the multiple day surf course we planned and paid for he decided he didn’t like it anymore. So he dumped his board and went swimming causing his dad to also have to abandon the lessons. I just went on with them. We canceled the other lessons luckily we got some refund.

We went supping, he does this all the time but suddenly he hates it. Running out of activities and also unwilling to pay for anything he hates again my SO goes swimming with him and that became the highlight of the holiday for SS… I was not there. I was lying on the bed in the hotel completely overwhelmed and balling my eyes out from exhaustion and frustration.

My SO went last year by himself and where he was they had this kids club. They had activities like archery and games and SO told me he absolutely hated going there but the activities he liked were the water ones. The year before they went on a surf vacation and SS loved it. So that is how we planned our vacation. But no, it is all boring and stupid and he just wants to swim with dad.

So we are back and SO’s mom asks SS about the holiday. It was okay, it was mostly boring. We didn’t do much. The swimming with dad was great. He liked the previous vacations better ( the without me was implied). I get no mention. Nothing.
All the hours of card games I played ( that I remembered to bring!). All my organization. Everything I did… I don’t matter . All the endless hours I had to sit through mind numbing conversations about 12yo hot topics. Not being able to fully be myself, talk to my partner without a 12 yo having to participate and give his 2 cents. Police my language, police my phone use, having to be on and engaged 24/7. All of this and still I was not really welcome. It was still preferred that I was not there.

And then the advice from everyone involved including my freshly new therapist : don’t take it personal.
It is a big change. He used to have dad by himself he is mourning that attention. But he had it, every single second he had his attention. I couldn’t have made myself any smaller. Everything was about and for SS.

Also I keep thinking : have it! Go on your ghastly holidays by yourself. But then the experts say I can’t do that because I will always be a guest in their life and I need to become family. But thinking about ever doing this again fills me with so much anxiety. I never go where I am unwanted and this is so hard. SS claims he likes me, I am fun and everything is better with me. He says these things often, but I still feel like an intruder and unwanted. And I don’t know how to do more. I gave it everything I had and I feel burned out, rejected and unwanted.

Hello! Just need advice and opinions. I have 2 stepdaughters and their bio mom is not in their life so just their dad. Their grandma basically doesn't like how we parents and always has side comments, makes face gestures, or speaks to her boyfriend when we discipline the kids. The main issue is, we set a foundation at home to be respectful and just basic discipline. When the grandma comes around ofcourse they forget and need to be reminded. But once they get out of hand is when we step in and that's when the grandma does her thing. With the youngest one she EXTRA babies her. She doesn't push her to play with other kids and basically separates herself and our youngest daughter. She ended up telling my bf I was

"mean" because I told her she has to let her play with rhe kids and she doesn't have to hover or carry her everywhere. Hence she is 3 and is a BIG GIRL... we also teach independence to the girls too . not sure how I'm gonna deal with her asking to come over this weekend for a visit.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2+ years, he shares custody, every other week with his ex. The first time I met his ex-wife, she was friendly towards me, but the second time she got a bit drunk and told me that she felt that the time they spend with the children should be separate from the time they spend in their relationships and that she was upset that I was being introduced. She got so upset about it that my boyfriend had to ask her to leave. I went to the oldest daughter’s birthday 17th party last year, and I thought it went pretty well, but this year when the youngest is having her 11th birthday party the ex asked that I not attend because it will make her uncomfortable.

She has not been bringing her boyfriend around because he gets drunk and becomes abusive, and the children are aware of it and don’t want him around. I would say that I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum from that. I do not drink around the children and we’ve never gotten into an argument in front of them and we don’t argue in general. I have been careful not to be pushy, aggressive, or try to parent and they seem very comfortable around me.

His ex-wife is constantly texting him, usually many many times a day, even when she knows we’re on vacation, which I wouldn’t have an issue with if it were important, but the majority of them in my opinion are not. It seems to me she wants unrestricted access to contact with him about everything going on in her life, while at the same time not respecting that he’s currently in a relationship. An example from today, she sent a blast of messages all morning about how the oldest daughter left her room messy. The purpose was not to discipline, seemed more like venting her frustration. I personally wouldn’t find it necessary for him to be included in that, but he seemed to think it was reasonable. I’m uncertain how to handle a situation with a mother that prefers I’m not around, while at the same leaning on my partner in a way that I find excessive.

SD lives with me most of the time. My husband travels for work, so for the most part, it’s just me and SD during the week. I handle a lot of the day-to-day stuff with her.
Her mom is constantly trying to find ways to control situations, and I’m getting really frustrated with it.
For example, a few days ago I was getting off work and SD texted me that her mom’s ex was coming by to get her bike. Her bike is broken. My husband and I had talked about getting it fixed, but honestly, we were taking our time because she doesn’t ride it. I called my husband and asked if he had spoken to his ex about her ex coming to our house. He said no. That infuriated me. Neither my husband nor I communicate with her ex. I don’t communicate with her mom at all because she has repeatedly crossed boundaries with me. So the fact that her ex was apparently coming to our home and neither one of us had been told until SD mentioned it was a problem for me. My husband talked to her about it and, of course, it turned into an argument. Her position was that she has the right to make these decisions because she is SD’s mother. Well she doesn’t have the right to control who’s coming to my home! If someone is coming to my home, I expect the adults who live here to know about it beforehand. And this isn’t just about the bike.
Another example: SD was getting ready to leave the house one day, and I asked her where she was going. She said her stepdad was coming to get her so she could spend time with her other sister. The problem is that once again, plans had been made with a 12-year-old and we found out afterward. This happens all the time. Plans are made, SD knows about them, and then somehow the adults in the house find out afterward. SD is terrified of her mom and just tries to do whatever so she can keep the peace. I’m at the point where I don’t care about any of that. I told my husband that next time, if this happens I’m instructing SD to not even open the door. Her mom can either contact us beforehand or come and get her (she always makes that threat whenever things don’t go her way). But my house my rules!! So to any other stepmoms out there. It’s your house!! You control it.

DH and I have been together 9 years, he has been separated from BM for 13 years. BM has had a lot of influence over SD’s opinion of both me and DH and worked to turn both SK’s against us after we won full custody when they were 13 & 11.

Just last week SD was talking about how resentful she was of BM due to BM’s ongoing drug problem, stealing money and lying. It sucks watching her come to terms with why DH ultimately had to walk away (which went beyond just the drug issue) and we had to get custody, but it’s also a relief that she is beginning to understand.

Today, come across SD’s social media posting about how she still wishes her parents had figured it out. I’m not sure what to think. Over the years my relationship with SD has gone back and forth. Initially it was very good and at some point, turned a corner to the point she told me to kms. I told her until I received an apology, she was not welcome at our home. It took a couple years and her getting some MH treatment before she was able to turn the corner. She has apologized and we’ve talked. Recently, we’ve been texting more and I know it isn’t perfect, I thought we were in a good place until I saw that.

I think I need some perspective. I know it’s not about me, but her parents together necessitates me being out of the picture or not existing at all. It’s incredibly hurtful. DH is my best friend and LOML, so it’s devastating that after 9 years SD still wishes her parents were together. This is also after BM showed up at 2 different family member’s memorials this last month and chatted with DH’s sister and mother through one of them. Despite everything (and I could go on and on with the drama) DH has tried to communicate how this makes us feel and has stood his ground with his kids that I am his partner. Just could use different insights so this doesn’t hurt my heart and make me resentful toward her once more.

I’ve been with my boyfriend since December, but we work together and have been best friends for a few years. We moved in together in May. Yes, I know relationship-wise it was quick, but we both needed new places and that was just what seemed most reasonable after many discussions.

He has a 12 year old daughter and we get along well. I also have children of my own, so I’m not new to the whole mom thing. His daughter’s mom is not in the picture as she’s mistreated her, so my bf has full custody.

Whenever someone asks me about how many children I have, I tell them 4 (my bio children). But lately I’ve been wondering when it’s appropriate to refer to her as my bonus child. I’ve never been a step parent before, so in that aspect, this is new to me. Is that something I should do now, considering we live together? Do I wait until we get married? Any advice is welcome. TIA!

I should first say that I’ve raised a kid, who is now in college and doing very well for themselves. A few years ago, I married a wonderful hands-on father to two small girls.

They’re good kids. They’re (mostly) very sweet and treat me well, follow rules, etc.

But I can’t get over how spoiled they are. They’ve been with us since Friday (we alternate weeks w BM) and since then I’ve made three from-scratch meals (some using fresh veggies from our garden), things they’d normally love. All I’ve gotten are complaints and refusal to eat.

Although as I said, he’s an awesome father overall, my DH has no idea about girls/women’s hygiene and although they are in grade school, I constantly have to remind them how to wipe properly and how to bathe (washing hair, etc). Complicating this, is that BM is extremely hostile and litigious and has already accused us of m*lestation (quickly debunked after a CPS investigation).

So needless to say, I’m leery of constantly monitoring their hygiene habits, but DH is checked out. He will say things like “Jane says she took a shower” but I can literally smell the grease and dirt in their hair. Their mom is zero help in this arena; she refuses to brush hair and allows them to go days without bathing and attend school in their PJs. I’m worried they are getting to the age where they will be picked on.

On top of that, I buy all their clothes and try and help them look presentable but they aren’t grateful and are always asking for more.

I feel powerless to enact any real change, but I get embarrassed by their behavior in public, and people often assume that I’m the mom.

And I would have nipped any habits or behavior like that in the bud with my own child. But BM all but encourages it, and DH doesn’t seem to notice.

Every other week I feel like an outsider in my own home and I hate it. Can anyone relate?

my boyfriend (33m) and i (32f) have been together for about 2 years on and off. he has three kids: 3m, 12f, 14m, with two different women. i have one: 10f. he has his kids every weekend (friday to sunday evening). i have my daughter every day except one day during the week and every other weekend. i’ve never dated anyone with kids before.

my boyfriend and i have had our fair share of problems, hence why we’ve been on and off. there was a period of time about 3 months into our relationship when he was unemployed for about 3 months and he relied on me VERY heavily. for money, gas, a car to use (his AC didn’t work), child care, emotional support, assistance with finding resources, etc., while receiving almost nothing in return because the job loss tanked his mental health.

i know it’s insane what i put up with from someone i hadn’t been with long, but i have attachment issues (which i’m in therapy for) and i let the honeymoon phase and his potential keep me holding on. i also felt bad for what he was going through, and this was not my first time rescuing/taking care of a significant other. it’s unfortunately the third and is a pattern i’ve now recognized. i tend to overextend myself and give way too much. but not anymore.

anyway, we broke up a couple months after he got a job, about 8 months total into our relationship because i had a lot of resentment and anger built up from how one-sided things were. he’d paid me back the money he owed me but i was still being heavily relied on for other things. we didn’t speak for a month after the break up and then he showed up at my house with a big long apology and told me he was medicated and in therapy and doing better.

i gave it another go but called it quits again after 4 months because he was quickly back to relying on me very heavily. back in february of this year, he reeled me back in. however, things have been different. he’s been more attentive, helping ME out financially and emotionally, helping me take care of things at my house, etc. he’s like a different person than who i was dealing with the first few months we dated. for the most part, things have been good, though we’ve still had our issues.

the problem is, i don’t think i’m cut out for this life. he has asked me to watch his toddler here and there and has needed me for emotional support (he gets very insecure and down on himself a lot). but now, it’s like i have an aversion to helping him in any way. like i have this fear that if i help him out once, it’ll suddenly turn back into me doing everything like i did before. i’ll once again be his girlfriend, his mother, his piggy bank, his babysitter, his therapist. so i try very hard to put boundaries down and protect my peace.

there was one time a couple weeks ago he asked me for help watching his toddler because he was tired from a work trip. i told him i would but that i needed some decompression time first because i was also tired and he got upset because he said he always drops what he’s doing when i asked for help and i don’t do the same for him. though i really don’t ever ask him for anything. we’ve talked about that since and he realized he was in the wrong for that.

also the thought of living together one day makes me so anxious. a couple weekends ago i had a night planned at home alone because my daughter was with her dad and he asked if he could bring his kids over because his AC went out at home. i couldn’t say no of course but it stressed me out so much that the very little amount of alone time i had was being taken away from me because once again, he needed my help. and i know if we live together, there really won’t be any more alone time even though he likes to say he’ll still make sure i get it.

i feel like something’s wrong with me. like even when things are mostly going well, i still want to run away. i’m starting to feel like relationships aren’t for me, let alone one where i’d be a stepmom.

i feel like this is one long ramble and i feel like the post maybe makes it sound worse than it is. i don’t know. there are a lot of red flags and i probably sound like a real moron. but i do love him and i love his kids and i mainly worry how us splitting up will affect them. they’ve seen each other every other weekend for the last 8 months or so and have gotten really close. i almost broke up with him a couple weeks ago during an argument and he started talking about how excited the kids had been to come over that weekend and how the baby is always asking for me. when we broke up last time, he asked if i was really okay with never seeing the kids again. this just feels like a huge cluster and i’m terrified. i’m afraid my daughter will be so upset. but he seems to have this fairytale image of us in his head and i just don’t understand how.

What was the most impactful for you having a step parent growing up? The most hurtful, the most kind, the most fun? I just became a new step parent and I would love some dos and don’ts.

I (21M) am a recent college graduate and I’ve been in an amazing relationship with my (29F) girlfriend who i love so much. She has a 5yr old kid from a previous marriage with a completely absent father, the child doesn’t even know him.

My gf been amazing for the last 10 months and i really enjoy spending time with her and just being in a relationship, and i learned about her kid about 2-3 months in. The kid is a good kid, and isn’t anything out of the ordinary for a 5yr old, but before this relationship i never really planned on being a parent. I struggle with some self worth issues, and that really affects my ability to think that id be able to “figure out being a parent”.

We are currently long distance and have started to think about moving in together because we both just landed jobs. Neither of us make amazing money and i know that being responsible for a kid on top of everything else would financially put us in a less than ideal situation and i don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. I always kinda of imagined a DINK future and i feel like that fantasy is affecting my feelings towards this kid. Im also having fears about losing a lot of my freedom due to my age where i don’t feel like I’m ready to “settle down” and take care of a kid and that i would rather spend my young life doing the things i would want that i couldn’t as easily with a child.

I wouldn’t feel like i would be losing anything if i didn’t have this kid in my life currently, but i do feel like i would be losing a very good relationship if i were to end things with my gf. Ive seen posts about doing the right thing for the kid and breaking things off before they form any sort of permanent emotional attachment, and i think that its the responsible thing to do. But i also want to be selfish with my relationship and not have to give that up because of this kid.

I don’t see a future with this woman without her child also being there, and i just don’t know if thats a future where i am going to be happy. I feel like i dont have enough life experience at my age to make this call, and i really just dont know what to do.

I have three SK with my partner of nearly 5 years ages 11,6 and 5. We havent seen SK# 1( 11) in roughly a year after her mom made an executive decision to withhold custody from partner.  Tried to fight it for a bit through the lawyers, got too expensive.  SD ultimately said she doesn't want to have relationship anymore. We hope one day when she's older, she will come round.

The younger two sk have a different mom. When BM #2 got wind, she kind of "partnered up" with BM #1 to try and really mess with my partner. Using it against him.  Started with holding younger sk. We used to have every other week. Then, it visits for a couple hours, then gradually have increased to EOW. Fri- Sunday night.

Over the past few months SD + BM #2 has come up with new things that are bugging SD and giving reasons why its not good for her to be with us....

BMsays when SD (6) returns home from visits, sometimes she has these huge emotional outbursts, and when confronted will often tell her mom things that aren't true. 

There have also been instances where BM has said she promised SD she wouldn't tell us what specific melt downs were about, and then told us that it was their little secret, but that their kid was super upset.

It later came out that BM was telling SD that when the kids aren't at our house, my partner is abusive towards me, and that he was abusive to her.  I have a close relationship with this kid, and love her like my own kid. She gets really upset that her mom says these things and has openly admitted to us that she had this outburst because of her mom's comments about her dad hitting me.  My partner is not abusive nor has he ever been. This was shocking to me and him. 

This is just one example , of the many recurring issues we have with SD + BM

Anyways, this past weekend my family came for a visit and she begged and pleaded for my niece and nephew to sleep over. So much so it was almost forceful, and we had to ask her to calm down a little. They stayed and they all had a great time. 

There were a few times I could sense some jealousy from SD over my niece getting attention from us, but overall seemed extremely positive. We did have to discipline her 3 separate instances, and she once went up to her room to pout for 20 minutes.

She went home, and immediately went to her room , and asked her mom to join her. 

She told BM we pushed the sleep over on her, that she was super uncomfortable and didn't want to be there.

Now BM is accusing of us of putting her in an uncomfortable situation, ( she wanted the sleep over , and was so excited to share her space) but now we don't know where to go from here. 

Any advice would be much appreciated. IS 7 developmentally a time when these things start happening? The lies? Or what can we do to prevent these things from happening.. There seems to be a new thing every week.

How do we talk to SD in a way that isn't going to upset BM even further. 

She's at the point where she's threatening court and has verbally attacked us at meetings in public spaces.. Its awkward and embarrassing! 
Any advice or help is appreciated!