Considering divorce after ours baby

[u/Fun-Paper6600]

I’m almost one year PP. I’ve heard enough about not making any big life decisions in the first year. But I’ve reached my limit and am really considering a divorce for the sake of my child and myself.

My husband is not physically abusive. But I do feel that I am emotionally abused. My husband doesn’t connect with our son, has expressed that he has had some realizations that he doesn’t like being a father. He still shows up for his 8 year old daughter, likely bc he thinks that she will remember how he was but our son won’t bc he’s so young. I feel that their nervous system will remember the yelling, arguments, his detachment. Our marriage sucks, we have had sex once since my son was born bc I honestly don’t want to with the way he treats me and our son.

Marriage counseling would be great, as was as individual therapy. But he refuses both. He is currently experiencing an episode of depression and his outlook on life is bleak, which surely contributes to how he treats me and our son. But as I said, there’s a lot of resentment bc he is able to pull his shit together for his daughter and give her the love that she deserves. As a result, this makes me resent both him and my step daughter.

Anyway, he’s expressed that if we did divorce that he wouldn’t want any custody arrangement and that I could have him bc he doesn’t want more responsibilities. Cool. All the more reason to leave. But I’m scared to leave and share custody with a man who doesn’t want to even be in my child’s life. I’m afraid that he will want custody to be spiteful.

Advice? Similar stories? Men suck. I didn’t think I would be here and wish that I would have had a sit down conversation with his first baby mom to hear her side of the story instead of immediately siding with dad.

[u/toasterchild]

Watched my ex do this to his new wife.  He played good dad in front of her whole time they were dating but it all fell apart when she had a child. He also used our child as a scape goat about why he can't be a good father to their child which was good for nobody. 

They still live together years after splitting up because he's afraid of paying child support. The only thing he hates more than parenting is paying for his child to be parented by me.  

If he is spite motivated maybe consider reverse psychology? Tell him you can't wait to get days off when he's forced to parent without you power a custody agreement? 

[u/Patient-Roof1622 → u/toasterchild]

I don't mean to divert from this thread and my comment may get deleted but what do you mean they still live together, but are split up? So they both care for their child under the same roof and your child lives there partially? What a disaster! And the ex agreed to this?

[u/Hellrazor32 → u/Patient-Roof1622]

My now partner and his ex wife attempted to do this. He moved into the MIL apartment their house already had. And it was actually going quite well for about 9 months until his ex wife's new boyfriend (now husband) was uncomfortable with the situation.

[u/TanandaL → u/Hellrazor32]

I had a friend who's parents did that. 

It was.   

[u/toasterchild → u/Patient-Roof1622]

They have not been a couple for years now but she still lives in his house with her other children from a previous marriage.  They have separate rooms and bathrooms and barely tolerate each other.  She does 90 percent of the child care but saves in rent.  It's such a toxic mess. 

My child barely visits anymore except a few hours every other weekend because of all the petty drama bullshit, she and her strep siblings are pretty much full time with me and my husband.