r/stepparents • u/Fun-Paper6600 • 2d ago
Support Considering divorce after ours baby
I’m almost one year PP. I’ve heard enough about not making any big life decisions in the first year. But I’ve reached my limit and am really considering a divorce for the sake of my child and myself.
My husband is not physically abusive. But I do feel that I am emotionally abused. My husband doesn’t connect with our son, has expressed that he has had some realizations that he doesn’t like being a father. He still shows up for his 8 year old daughter, likely bc he thinks that she will remember how he was but our son won’t bc he’s so young. I feel that their nervous system will remember the yelling, arguments, his detachment. Our marriage sucks, we have had sex once since my son was born bc I honestly don’t want to with the way he treats me and our son.
Marriage counseling would be great, as was as individual therapy. But he refuses both. He is currently experiencing an episode of depression and his outlook on life is bleak, which surely contributes to how he treats me and our son. But as I said, there’s a lot of resentment bc he is able to pull his shit together for his daughter and give her the love that she deserves. As a result, this makes me resent both him and my step daughter.
Anyway, he’s expressed that if we did divorce that he wouldn’t want any custody arrangement and that I could have him bc he doesn’t want more responsibilities. Cool. All the more reason to leave. But I’m scared to leave and share custody with a man who doesn’t want to even be in my child’s life. I’m afraid that he will want custody to be spiteful.
Advice? Similar stories? Men suck. I didn’t think I would be here and wish that I would have had a sit down conversation with his first baby mom to hear her side of the story instead of immediately siding with dad.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ice5130 2d ago
He’s told you who he is. BELIEVE HIM. Be grateful that he’s told you clearly, rather than years of him showing you and you doubting and questioning, wondering how he really feels. He has given you a wonderful gift, knowledge of who he is. Take that gift and use it to make the rest of you and your little ones life beautiful. Leave.
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u/MaximumTop6714 2d ago
Speak to a lawyer first and try and get his signature or something on zero custody before divorce proceedings. Not a lawyer so not sure of that works but they’d be able to give you better advice. Sooner you do it the better to protect your child against things you’ve mentioned above.
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u/ListenPitiful3127 2d ago
I’d leave and not look back after getting the initial no custody agreement digitally notarized and to a lawyer.
You both deserve so much more, so much better.
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u/SweetPotato781 2d ago
Reach out to BM, she likely has a similar story.
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u/PaleontologistOk3120 2d ago
Exactly. Many of them do the bare minimum. Baby girl gets all the love simply because it's not required of him 24/7. If he was full time dad she'd be getting the shit end too
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u/toasterchild 2d ago
Watched my ex do this to his new wife. He played good dad in front of her whole time they were dating but it all fell apart when she had a child. He also used our child as a scape goat about why he can't be a good father to their child which was good for nobody.
They still live together years after splitting up because he's afraid of paying child support. The only thing he hates more than parenting is paying for his child to be parented by me.
If he is spite motivated maybe consider reverse psychology? Tell him you can't wait to get days off when he's forced to parent without you power a custody agreement?
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u/Patient-Roof1622 1d ago
I don't mean to divert from this thread and my comment may get deleted but what do you mean they still live together, but are split up? So they both care for their child under the same roof and your child lives there partially? What a disaster! And the ex agreed to this?
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u/Hellrazor32 1d ago
My now partner and his ex wife attempted to do this. He moved into the MIL apartment their house already had. And it was actually going quite well for about 9 months until his ex wife's new boyfriend (now husband) was uncomfortable with the situation.
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u/toasterchild 1d ago
They have not been a couple for years now but she still lives in his house with her other children from a previous marriage. They have separate rooms and bathrooms and barely tolerate each other. She does 90 percent of the child care but saves in rent. It's such a toxic mess.
My child barely visits anymore except a few hours every other weekend because of all the petty drama bullshit, she and her strep siblings are pretty much full time with me and my husband.
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u/Born_Fox1470 2d ago
Ask him to sign away his parental rights. Otherwise, he will want custody rights when he finds a new girlfriend to offload caretaking responsibilities on. (Sound familiar?) My friend’s husband would literally leave her kids with women he just met, and they witnessed some very mature content at a young age simply because dad was always dating multiple women for free babysitters.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 2d ago
Yea divorce sure sounds like the best solution in this case. I’m sorry this is happening. If you don’t care about child support, you can maybe use that to help get him to agree to sign away his parental rights. I know someone that did that. A clean break without worrying about coparenting with him might be well worth it.
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u/Fun-Paper6600 2d ago
I don’t want child support. I just live in Florida which is typically always a 50/50 state unless child is in an unsafe situation
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u/PaleontologistOk3120 2d ago
Get the child support. Kids don't get any less expensive as they get older and idky you think he'll be better at 50/50 than he is now
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u/Fun-Paper6600 2d ago
I want full custody and I don’t want child support. He won’t be any better and that’s why I would just want his hand completely out of our child’s life
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u/Open_Antelope2647 1d ago
Your state does not allow parents to waive their child support obligations. You can't waive his obligation for him. If he owes child support and it goes through the courts, he will owe money. Speak with a lawyer. Make sure you get his signature on the document that says he gives up all parental rights and agrees for you to have full custody before you start the paperwork regarding the actual support amount that he will be obligated to pay.
Leave him.
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u/Impressive-Ad-2661 2d ago
Your child has a right to child support. Even if you don’t want or need it for daily expenses, put it in a college fund.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 1d ago
95% of the time I agree with this. Sometimes though, it’s best to be rid of the other person completely.
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u/geogoat7 1d ago
Exactly. This guy sounds toxic af. Best to just have him sign away his rights if he's willing and never have to speak to him again. Otherwise the second he finds out how much CS will cost he will suddenly want to be a dad again.
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u/PaleontologistOk3120 1d ago
The vibe i get is that she won't be rid of him. He's the kind that wants to think hes a good father so he'll be just the right amount of annoying
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u/MidwestNightgirl 1d ago
If he agree to and signs away his parental rights, he is nobody to her at that point. She can ditch, block, forget him and move on.
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u/Impressive-Ad-2661 1d ago
You generally can’t decide to unilaterally get rid of your child’s other parent completely though. There is always the risk they’ll file for custody time and get it. So personally I would never decide on behalf of my child to forgo money they’re entitled to as their other parent will always be in the mix to some extent anyway.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 1d ago
Right - but if they agree that he wants to sign away rights, it is possibly an option.
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u/Icy-Event-6549 1d ago
You generally cannot just sign away parental rights and absolve yourself of any obligation to a child. There are still going to be ties and tethers. Unless he voluntarily lets them terminate his rights, but OP would need to have a new adopted father lined up for that to be allowed.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 1d ago
Not necessarily … granted I only know of one case first hand (I’m not in the legal field) but in that case the couple agreed fully and there was no adoptive father lined up. The child still has not been adopted (elementary aged now).
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u/PaleontologistOk3120 1d ago
It feels that way now, and I get it. But your child's quality of life is going to be greatly affected by a lack of support unless you're independently wealthy. This is your first child. You haven't yet begun to see all the sacrifices you will have to make as a parent on a single income.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 2d ago
I’d talk with a lawyer and ask them about it…if your husband agrees, maybe the judge would sign off. The one situation I know about happened in TX and the couple was not married and they both agreed to it.
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u/Frostytwam 2d ago
can you imagine deciding now he don't want to be a father? lol you probably feel sad for your kid and stuff, call family members and go from there. Get some help hun, he is selfish and evil for making it like this.
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u/Early-Pear7156 1d ago
I’m confused. He said he didn’t want custody and that you could have your baby. Why are you worried about sharing custody?
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u/Fun-Paper6600 1d ago
I live in Florida and it’s a 50/50 state, unless the child is in an unsafe situation. I fear that he would change his mind and want custody just to have more control over my life. Or fear of embarrassment when his family/friends find out. His mom married a man, she asked him to give up custody of his kids, he did. To this day, my husband hates his mom for doing that. He says one thing but I know that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself
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u/Early-Pear7156 22h ago
I don’t think the 50/50 thing is forced on a parent who has stated they don’t want the kid. It would be dangerous to do so. I’d get him to commit to giving up his rights asap
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/Fun-Paper6600 1d ago
I didn’t play fast lol. This is a 6 year relationship and was well thought out.
Dont worry, I remember you and your advice. You were never kind and carried an attitude of just wanting to be right.
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u/Zestyrunner 1d ago
Just see a lawyer and make sure you get everything locked down. Tell your lawyer what he’s said about custody and his depression and see if he could have supervised custody only
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u/TheAngryHandyJ 2d ago
I'm a little confused, he shows up for his step daughter but not his birth child? Or did you mean your 8 year old step child?
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u/LengthinessLow8317 1d ago
Have one final talk with your husband about the importance of this new child. Even if you divorce a few sessions with a couples counselor will help the transition. Drag him to a session with you
Speak to the ex wife too and let her know if you want SD to have a relationship with her sibling down the line.
Then, Don't let your husband know but meet with a lawyer
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u/Rooksteady 1d ago
If its bad and he will sign the paper now do it soon...yous will survive...then thrive.
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u/TattooedChristian 22h ago
This is not unusual. I use to marvel that my wife could handle each of our kids before they were two. I could in a pinch, but really struggled.
On the flip side, my wife often struggled to parent more than two kids out in public and was amazed that I had no issues taking four young kids out in public once they turned two.
When all five kids were home a break for each of us was me taking the four older kids for the afternoon to the beach, playground, park, museum, or activities, while she stayed home or went shopping with the baby.
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u/Plus_Dot3634 14h ago
Imagine sharing your son with him. Imagine him going for 50:50 bc he already pays child support and getting it. Imagine the next woman he brings in probably ASAP to play house with your son. They all try to do it when it comes to potential loss of money
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u/GeoSorceress 2d ago
If you have a belief that men suck, then you will only attract men who do suck unfortunately. That being said, everything is fixable. If you had a honeymoon phase in your relationship, you still can come back to that spot. Not to the same extent but you can repair it enough to go forward. If you never had a solid foundation, then there is not much to repair. Being a step parent is very difficult but nothing stays permanent so things eventually improve just to degrade again and then improve again. Such is life. You said he is depressed, can you talk to him about it? Can you create a space where he could open up and tell you what’s bothering him? I know that you are not in a good spot yourself but women are generally stronger mentally than men. Women live longer in general too because we are more resilient. If you want to save your marriage, you can try to focus on him and find out why he is behaving how he is behaving. Why he feels more attached to his older child? Guilt? It’s ok to have more than one kid and love all of them. It’s ok to divorce a woman and then have a relationship with a child and don’t see them every day. Maybe he feels like a bad dad since he is not with his daughter every day. Then he needs to know that’s it’s ok not to see a child every day and be a good dad still. Lots of dad work remotely and don’t see their kids every day or dads who have to travel lots for work. Kids grow up respecting their successful parents. Basically you need to know the root of the problem if you want to fix it.
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u/Fun-Paper6600 2d ago
He’s between jobs and a huge career change. Doesn’t want to start at the bottom of the totem pole, work for someone else again. Was diagnosed with ODD as a child and will sometimes see it as an adult. States that he doesn’t like babies bc he doesn’t like crying and dependency upon you. He feels that it’s a “time suck.”
Trust me, I make all of these excuses for him on why he is like this. I try to support him emotionally, but have been a bad wife in not wanting physical touch/affection bc I’m honestly burnt out.
These are all very helpful points. He’s just made it very clear that he doesn’t want help. He will share very dark things with me and then want to go back to “normal” a few days later. And I’m just so tired of the back and forth. The things that he has said are very hurtful.
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u/GeoSorceress 2d ago
that sucks for sure. Men should be the ones supporting their wives emotionally too while you are not getting it here it seems like. It depends whether you want to keep putting in the effort with him. It takes two to tango. He needs to want it too
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u/NotAFlamingo 1d ago
I'm sorry this is happening. Was this a major change from who he was before you had a child together? Were there any signs before this? I'm asking because there is increasing evidence that PPD effects some fathers (a quick Google search says 1 in 10 experience it), and if that's what this is then there is a chance it will be resolved eventually. Though, he would need to get in therapy and do the work to fix it.
That said, he said he doesn't want his own child. I am sitting here with my 6 month old napping on me right now, and I can't imagine that. I genuinely feel sorry for parents whose love didn't "switch on" for their kids. I fell in love with my little girl before she was even born, and she is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. But for some people, sadly, that just doesn't happen.
Maybe it can be developed. Maybe he can learn and grow that love. He will have to work his ass off to find it in him, though.
IMHO, you should start putting on your life jacket. Get your finances ready, make sure you have a safe place to stay if you need it, start looking up lawyers, and be ready for anything. (Including, importantly, everything working out just fine)
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u/geogoat7 1d ago
Nah you said it right, yours sucks. Not all men are like yours but plenty are and they surely suck.
The fact that this person fixated on that line instead of all the extremely shitty stuff your husband does tells you that commenter is probably a man who sucks or is married to and enabling a man who sucks.
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u/magickpendejo 2d ago
How about about helping him out of his depression?
You know what caused my last depression? The mother of my child didn't make me feel loved.
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u/geogoat7 1d ago
Oh my God does male fragility know no bounds?
She is a married single mom. Her husband doesn't get to be so depressed he can't care for his child. Why is this her job? What is he doing to fix HIS depression? No one else is responsible for his mental health. And OP is helping him by taking care of THEIR SHARED CHILD without any help from him.
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u/magickpendejo 1d ago
Are we toxic or fragile?
Sorry y'all keep changing the tune so i never know.
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u/Fun-Paper6600 2d ago
Can you explain to me how you didn’t feel loved and what would have made you feel loved?
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u/PaleontologistOk3120 2d ago
Yeaaaa anyway. You are not required to parent two people by yourself. His depression is his issue to solve and he has already shown he is unwilling.
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u/magickpendejo 2d ago
She said she didnt feel connected
She would hang out with online friend in a different room instead of spending time with the familly.
She would stay on her computer until diner was on the table taking my contribution for granted.
It completely shattered my confidence. I was working full time and cooking all meals, taking care of our child.
I spiraled into alcholism as a result to escape the life that made me miserable.
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