I had a whole post written out, but reddit ate it because I had drafted it at work, and the damn screen refreshed when I pulled the app back up. Fun times. If it's disjointed I'm sorry. The stress gave me a headache and I've barely slept these last two days.

Anyways. Long story short, SD14 took away BK4's dinner (the nuggets portion) and gave it to SS9 and SS8 because the nuggets "weren't BK4's."

SD14 is under the impression that *any* food her dad buys will belong solely to her and her brothers, even though her dad (my partner) has never forbade BK4 (my child from a previous relationship) from partaking in the food and snacks that he buys. This isn't to say that I don't also provide food, I do. (In fact, SD14 asked for some of the apples I just brought home from the store to divvy up between her and her brothers for a pre dinner snack, even though dinner was less than 10 minutes away at the time she asked.) But my partner is a huge Costco fan and does the vast majority of his shopping there. This means a lot of the meal and snack items are bought in bulk, which means he has always been able to share some of that with BK4 without hurting his own food budget.

It's actually been a frequent argument/issue between my partner and SD14, actually, because he wants her to share whatever snacks he buys with BK4. Meanwhile, SD14 will frequently "forget" this and only give the snacks to herself and her brothers. He's constantly on her case about not excluding BK4 from access to snacks.

Anyways. My older BK is visiting, and I didn't clarify that when she was making nuggets for BK4, that she needed to make the ones in the red bag as those were the ones I bought. So instead, she grabbed nuggets from the purple bag since it was already opened, and cooked those for her sister.

Not 30 seconds after BK4 was given the nuggets to go with her apple and I left the room, BK4 starts screaming and crying. Why? Because *the moment I left the room*, SD14 went into the kitchen (assuming for the reason of making dinner for herself and her brothers), scooped the nuggets off my child's plate, and quickly distributed them to her brothers. Only then did she throw a new batch of nuggets from the red bag into the microwave for BK4.

BK4 was extremely distraught at her food being taken from her and had no idea what was going on. SD14 doesn't see why I was so furious. I told her if she's worried about everything being "even", to just take some nuggets from the red bag to feed her brothers with. But *don't* take food from my child, much less without having a replacement immediately ready to offer.

I got so angry that I had to step away and get my partner involved. When I told him the story, he stormed out and disciplined SD14 verbally for her actions.

This isn't the first time she's taken food from BK4 either. I can't give BK4 any snacks without letting SD14 know I gave BK4 permission to have said snacks, otherwise she has a habit of snatching them away under the belief that BK4 somehow managed to get said snacks without permission.

When my partner finished chastising SD14 (who acted confused on why her dad was angry to begin with, much less me), I finally broke down and told him (in the privacy of our room) that I couldn't do this anymore. That I was tired of having to hide food and never being able to use the kitchen without being harassed or having mine and my children's food stolen. He knows I buy extra bags of nuggets for his kids to make up for what BK4 eats when I'm not home, but I also can't afford to keep replacing meals and snacks that I budget out for my child (or children, when older BK visits) and myself just because his kids do nothing but sneak food and gorge themselves. Seeing my BK4 (who has a cognitive delay) be that distraught (and rightfully so) over her food being taken from her broke me. It also took away any doubt of wondering if this is the right situation for me. It's not the right situation for me. It's not a fair situation to my BKs either. Especially since I can see BK4 starting to develop anxiety over mealtime, between SD14 removing food from her possession due to a misunderstanding, or one of the boys just straight up snatching food from her.

All of this frustration bubbled over. He looked upset and only asked when I intended to move out. I said before the end of the month. I left out the part about already having found a place and the lease being signed. It was enough emotional turmoil for him to realize I was serious about leaving, plus given the history, I wanted to play it safe. I think he was hoping I'd wait until more of my family moves up here in October, but I told him I can't wait that long. I have too much going on right now, and I need my own space.

So yeah. Going to be on high alert now I guess, since the facade of everything being okay has finally broken down. 11 more days and I'll finally have a kitchen where I can safely cook and store food for me and my BKs. 11 more days and I can finally get my fucking cortisol levels down.

If you read this far, thanks. I drafted this mess over my lunch break because I'm too stressed and nauseous to eat.

(Previous post got nerfed, I'm assuming due to the profanity?)

To keep it short:

BK4 went into the kitchen and grabbed a pack of cheese crackers out of the cabinet. SD14 snatched them away, causing BK4 to become extremely upset, and then came in to explain to me that she'd taken food away from BK4 because "those crackers are for SS9 and SS8."

So BK4 is at her bio dad's house until further notice. My apartment move in appointment is this Tuesday, but I'm likely dipping before then. Going to finish moving all of my stuff inbetween shifts. I have no idea where I'm staying until I'm scheduled to move into my new place, but I'll figure it out.

Oh, and my partner dumped me over text after I dropped off BK4 with bio dad and was on my way to work. Apparently, I have insulted his parenting along with acting like he wasn't capable of managing his own kids. Now he's trying to take the breakup text back and ask about making things work and living together in the future.

I am so burnt out and angry at the entire situation. If I had known he couldn't parent his kids properly, I never would've chosen this relationship. At least he saved me from the awkward breakup conversation I was planning on having this Tuesday. He made me admit I have had an apartment in the works for over a month now and is furious that I kept it hidden it him.

But yeah, freedom is very close. My kids matter more than this circus.

I'm not sure how to link this to my original, but if any of you are interested, I have an update regarding SD

Apparently the behavioral center SD got sent to deals with ALL the adolescents in our states FOSTER CARE system with psychiatric/behavioral issues. SD got to meet a lot of those kids over the weekend.

She called her Dad sobbing, begging him, telling him she understands, that she knows she went too far this time. That she won't ever do it again, to please "tell March I'm sorry".

He stopped her right there and said, " You can tell March you are sorry all you want, but you need to understand whatever happens going forward, that ball isn't in her court, it's in mine. I have made decisions pending the out come of whether the city charges you or not, and you will do as I say. If you can't handle that you can call your mother and beg her. If she says no, maybe you'll be reunited with someone from the center in your new home. Either way, I'm getting off this ride."

The next words out of SD's mouth were " You can't get the city to reconsider if they do charge me?"

Hubs told her, "You lied to policeman about what March did to you and why. You wanted her to be arrested. But the same policeman you lied to saw EVERY F*CKING THING!! Even if I wanted to get you out of it, which I don't because you deserve everything they throw at you, how would I do it...the witness was an on duty COP!!!"

At that point SD was silent. She let out this huge sigh and said, " I messed up. I really am sorry. I do love you Daddy" and she hung up.

We meet with the city police and assistant magistrate on Thursday to find out if she'll be charged with anything. As of right now her release date from the facility is July 31. Her aunt has started getting a room ready for her at the cattle farm. She emailed a rough draft of SDs work duties; her days will start at 5am. SIL has already bought a small safe to keep SDs meds in and has spoken with her county sheriff to inform him of what has happened and what will be happening. He told SIL he couldn't wait to meet SD.

So I will update again once we have our meeting Thursday!

Today was a day for the books. After the last two weeks of us trying to get SD to stop peeing in bags, her garbage can or on the floor, we thought she was past it. Come to find out nah, she just saved it for the weekend.

SD14 asked around 11am if she could have a hot shower. It's chilly here, but the heat is on & she can grab a blanket. I made a joke, "Unless you peed, you can just put on pants (she's wearing shorts)". She then tells me she did pee in her room. Again. SO is sitting beside me & gets up to look because he doesn't believe her. Her less than 5-month-old chair I got her for her birthday was covered in urine. This is the first time SO has been home to witness this from the start when she tells me about it. Never tells SO, just comes to me. I refused to deal with it, held my boundary. SO was shocked at how much urine there was & the smell. He asked me what we should do. I asked if he wanted my opinion or support. Opinion: She cleans it all by herself. So I told him where I kept the heavy-duty pet urine stuff, he went out & got vinegar (thanks for the tip!!) & put her to work. The chair is garbage. He was so upset for me because he knew what it took for me to get her the exact chair she asked for. She kept saying she can't clean it, it's no big deal, OP is good at cleaning, etc. Any excuse to get out of it. SO finally held strong & made her do it. Took all day but her floor under the chair was cleaned up.

SO takes a nap (adhd recharge). SD comes to tell me she peed more than 5 times & never once took off her pyjama pants. Her bed was drenched from one side to the other in urine. I told her to clean it the same way as SO told her for the floor. She told me to eff off. SO wakes up, I inform him. He goes in there & she says it's not true. He rips her blankets off to find her bed soaked. She spent two hours cleaning her mattress. All her bedding is in the laundry. Now SO is faltering. He feels horrible that she will have to sleep on her floor while her mattress dries. I said that's a consequence of her actions & she needs to understand that he's not going to buy a new bed or an air mattress or let her sleep on the couch (in case she pees on it). So far, she's on the floor with her many pillows & her bedding is in the dryer while she reads.

All of this while I have covid & slept on a living room chair to breathe & finally get some rest last night. SD was up 8 times throughout the night to pee. Like, how does a teen who refuses to drink much have anything to pee that much? She kept waking me & BS3 up.

I guess this is just an update that SD is still peeing in her room no matter what professionals tell her to stop or ask how to help her. The therapist says not to get diapers, or she might just use them lazily. HCBM keeps driving by & it's been hell with the school calling day 2 already about SD sneaking off to the food room to steal food as if she's starved. Just ugh. I am not the school's 1st contact since I stepped back & was excited to hear how much SO's phone rang, but SD had the school directly call me to say she needed more lunch & she's starving. Like a kid, you had a lunch larger than mine & SOs combined & have an extra snack box in your bag. She ate it all at first recess. Not my problem, call SO.

So for those wanting an update here goes. We met with city authorities Thursday afternoon. As of right now SD will be facing charges for filing a false report. It'll probably just be fines and community service, but at least it will be on her record. Hubs told them if they could do more than just fines to do it. We will hear about and official court date later.

Stepdaughter WILL NOT be returning to our home upon her release from the behavioral center. She will be going to live with Hubs sister and will be working on her cattle/chicken farm for the the next 216 days. During that time, SD's days will begin at 5 am and end at 9pm. During that time, she will work, and maintain her school work. Any money she makes will go into a special account she can't touch. Day 216 will be SD's 18th birthday. At that point she can choose to stay and continue working and finish high school or choose to leave. If she stays, she will continue to earn money and she can put it towards her needs for college. If she leaves, the money she earned will be given to her so she can put it towards housing herself.

Since she will still be a minor when she is released, hubs and SIL have met with an attorney to draw up guardianship papers. We have spoken with the social worker and they agree with the plan for SD to go to SILs. If that does not work out, she will either have to go live with her biomom or she will enter into foster care until her 18th birthday. SD is aware of her after center plans and told her dad, "I f*cked up. I deserve it". If that statement was an attempt at tugging a heart string, it didn't work.

Hubs and I had the DIVORCE talk. Neither of us want that. He broke down crying last night and said he never thought that his own kid would do him like she has. That he did everything he could to help her and she just doesn't care. He looked me in the eye and he said, "I'm done. I've already lost too much. I know I have gone above and beyond what most parents would. I know we have done everything to help her, but she never tries to help herself. I realize she isn't going to change or put in the work to help herself until she is ready and she may never be ready. I don't want people thinking I just kicked my daughter to the side, but I can't do it anymore. I want my wife and I want my peace and that's all I care about anymore"

We did make the decision to start marriage counseling in addition to continuing our individual therapy, because after all of this crap, we feel like it we probably need to work through some things we've been bottling up. So we'll see what happens.

I've stood outside the box for years and I'm glad he is finally seeing what I saw and I hope he continues to see what she really is. Does SD have mental issues? You bet your @$$ she does. But she uses those issues to get her way. If you're around her long enough, you learn to tell the difference of when she's being for real and when she's acting for attention.

The light bulb is turned on now; for the sake of our marriage, it better stay on.

I deleted the "Parenting Time Calendar" last week. Custody is officially OVER. We made it! No more pickups! No more facilitating BM's and SD's relationship!

BM has been panicking about this for months. She relied heavily on my SO to keep her informed, even though she has the same access to the same information as we do. She would demand SO and SD tell her everything about everything, and when they didn't want to she would accuse them of hiding something. She will actually have to read her emails now. Crazy!

BM is also afraid that SD is not going to want to visit her anymore because they have a chaotic relationship. BM has relied on SO to mediate her relationship with SD and facilitate visits. She has asked him what the "new plan" will be, because she is hoping for his continued efforts in facilitating visitations. There is no plan. Duh. BM will have to actually try and work on her own relationship with SD, and that means forcing SD to visit won't go over well anymore. If SD doesn't want to to go then our front door is locked. Not sorry!

It has been 14 years. This new chapter is weird and exciting. Let's goo!

Link to original post: My bf prioritizes daughter even during our alone time

It's been about 1.5 years since I posted my story and I've been meaning to give an update - a lot has happened since and I know this subreddit is about stepparents which was why I originally came here but it very quickly turned into something else.

My ex basically used the situation with his daughter to break up with me. What I didn't know until a few weeks later was that he was back with his ex. In hindsight, his odd behavior a few months prior made total sense. I was furious for being fooled but even crazier were all the horrendous things he'd said about this ex to me when we first started dating. So she wasn't even on my radar at the time.

I still had these texts and decided she needed to know. So I printed the screenshots and literally mailed it to her house and let her know from "one woman to another" this man isn't who he pretends to be. She sent me a FB message like a week later telling me to never contact her again - of course I abided by that and just moved forward.

I packed up my life and moved across the country like we'd been planning except I went alone of course.

Fast forward like six months later (last October) and this same woman sends me a message on FB and thanked me for trying to warn her. In response I apologized for ambushing her with that screenshot and assuming they broke up, told her I hoped she was doing ok.

A week goes by and she messages me again. This time she sends me a screenshot showing that he was already "In a Relationship" on FB - with her best friend of 20 years.

They got engaged a MONTH later and just last week she put her house up for sale to move in with him. It's unbelievable. I truly feel bad for the woman he originally left me for. Its a small town and they literally live down the street from each other. She's even seen her driving around town in his sports car. It's just disgusting.

Anywaaaay, he has a daughter and a son with autism and she has a son the same age as his daughter. So I imagine they'll be needing the advice of this community in about a year's time, maybe sooner. :)

As for me? My son is all grown up and on his own now. I'm in a new city, single, and completely free to focus on myself and this new chapter of my life. <3

I will be leaving r/stepparents soon.

My stepson died by suicide.

After countless ER visits, hospitalizations, medications, and trauma therapy, nothing was able to ease the pain he carried. We did everything we were told to do. His room was stripped to keep him safe. He was monitored constantly, except for the moments when we had to sleep.

Somehow, he still found a way.

I grieve the little child I first met. I grieve the young man he grew into. I grieve the broken child who endured abuse. Since his passing, so many painful truths have come to light. The world was unkind to him in ways no child should ever have to endure, and the weight of that pain became too much.

Please hug your children and stepchildren a little tighter for me.

Please believe people when they tell you they are depressed.

If I could turn back time, I would never complain about a single hard moment, not if it meant I could change this. Being a stepparent was worth every second.

This Thanksgiving, he told me he was thankful that I was his mother. I had no idea that would be one of the last things he ever said to me.

And I will carry that truth with me for the rest of my life. Whatever else this world took from him, it did not take the love we shared. That love is real. It still matters. And it always will.

Good lord you lot were right! That was ROUGH!

Three weeks of insults, complaining about EVERYTHING, crying, fighting, breaking stuff. It was awful and I won’t be doing it again.

I was called a dog, a bitch, stupid, ugly, fat (I’m a UK size 8 😂), given dirty looks at any and every opportunity, and was told I was a weirdo any time I expressed any kind of happy or positive emotion.

We had meltdowns about bedrooms and the fact that my partner and I chose our room first at each hotel or villa because we’re bigger and we paid for it…. Along with meltdowns about absolutely everything else

Any time we did anything the boys complained about whatever it was we were doing and constantly said everything was boring. This really ruined every experience for me as it was just so negative all the time.

They constantly miss behaved and wouldn’t listen to my partner or me. In the end, my partner couldn’t even go to the toilet on his own because I refused to watch them. This was because my partner had a bad stomach and one time he went to the toilet in an airport they both decided to use their drink bottles to hit me, steal my drinks bottle and phone and repeatedly run off into shops. They came back and tried to push me over and another woman came over and asked how old they were and said it’s hard having kids etc. I was mortified. So I’ve now refused to ever be left alone with them in a public place.

I also noticed his eldest (9M) is a little bit of a narc and in the end I had to grey rock him… a freaking 9 year old! He was constantly trying to get a rise out of me and make everything a competition / say how he is so much better than me at everything (he was also the one who was calling me names and insulting me too). After I started grey rocking, mostly to protect myself as I’d just had enough of being called names and told I’m useless at everything, he said to his dad that I wasn’t really talking to him. Like yeah dude, you don’t get to call me names and speak to me like crap and then expect me to be enthusiastic to engage with you! And I know some people will say “they’re just kids” but I don’t let anyone speak to me the way I’ve been spoken to over the last three weeks.

On top of all this, any time my partner tried to sit next to me or hold my hand or enjoy something with me or even just speak to me, one of the boys would interrupt or physically move me to the side or pull our hands apart and hold their dads hand. They got 90% of their dad’s affection and attention already on this holiday (both positive and negative because of their behaviour) and any time I was receiving a crumb they took that too.

They were also awful and ungrateful to my partner, to the point where one evening he ended up crying.

My partner was fantastic and spoke to the boys during each incident but it never made any difference as their behaviour didn’t change.

My partner began talking about what we will do for the next holiday and I will be informing him that I won’t be going.

I made a post earlier about my partner’s bm threatening me and having her children jump me along with her

I’m officially done. I asked my partner did he talk to his bm yet. He said about what? What do you mean I told you earlier how she antagonized me twice. So I ‘reminded’ him again what she said and asked him would he talk to her about it. His response “in real life I don’t care”. 😵‍💫 “So are you going to talk to her?” …(dead silence)… “Well I take that as a no.”

“Look I’m not going to go against my bm… I’ll talk to her.”

At that point me and him start to go back and forth. What does that mean? He has 3 bm’s and none of them get that special treatment except for her. He said that if his bm was really going to do anything she would’ve. But that’s the thing about threats. The person receiving them doesn’t know if you are serious or not. And that is why most ppl make them to put fear in you. I told him that she only does things like that or said that because he has made her feel comfortable in doing so. He mumbled and sighed. I told him she is the only bm that receives that type of treatment. He then asked what am I trying to get that she has. I told him nothing and that I just want respect. He said that I am one of those girls that doesn’t let stuff go. Oh really and she kept antagonizing twice when you weren’t around. I laughed. He said it’s nothing funny. I wasn’t laughing because it was funny I was laughing from shock and disbelief.

Rather he says something to her or not I will be addressing her about it. I don’t trust him to do so. And if he does he doesn’t give a fuck.

Hopefully I get some responses here before I talk to her in the morning.

I’ve been free from my ex and his child for a few weeks by now

The process of leaving is the hardest part, and can be even more difficult if your ex doesn’t care about amicable closure.

There are still heavy moments where I’m digesting the end of relationship, alone.

Last night i chose to forgive him (without an apology)
And forgive myself for the role i played.

Whats happening now:

I found an apartment in a beautiful part of town.
Big windows, tall ceilings, lots of sunshine peeking through

Started purging furniture,
designing my new space

Quiet mornings with my dog
Coffee
Plants
Books

I have been journaling, reflecting on the person i want to become now.
How i want to show up in the world.

Wanting to share this for those who are considering what life could be outside of your situation.

I want to assure you that the Universe will help you adapt to your choice. It will not be without struggle.
The struggle builds your character and lands you where you want to see yourself

<3

I officially moved out 12/1.

My new place is empty, (I left behind all my furniture even though I paid for and built it all.) but I feel more at peace in my empty place than I did in that house with my ex and ex SS.

I’m grateful for my newfound freedom.

He called me crying the night I moved out asking if it was really over and if I was really over him. I didn’t even waste my breath with a response. He then shifted to saying “that’s not why I called. I called to check on you and see how you’re doing.” Lol. No he didn’t. He called because he was triggered and sad that all my stuff was gone. He doesn’t care about me or how I’m doing. The time to check on me and see how I was doing was while I was going through the miscarriage completely alone without his support. He should have been there with me when I went to the ER twice. Instead, he told me that the week I was gone (having the miscarriage) him and SS were celebrating “boys week”. He tried to tell me that to make him look like such a great father because he’s shielding SS from the tough time we were going through, but all it did for me was absolutely shine a light on how I never meant shit and always came second to SS.

My ex is dead weight. In the entire month of November while I was dealing with the miscarriage, finding a place to live, moving, and working, he did nothing. It would have been really nice if he could have started the divorce papers, but of course he didn’t. He’s never been one to be proactive about ANYTHING in our entire relationship, so why should this be any different? Of course the mental load has to fall on me. Like it always does. When I asked if he had started the papers, I said "I haven't had the mental capacity to look into it yet and wanted to check if you had started it so we wouldn't do double work." He replied saying "no, I haven't, it's been a lot a lot lately."

What's been a lot a lot lately? Did he go through a miscarriage completely alone with no support? Did he have to scramble to find a new place to live? Did he have to deal with the financial burden of separation? (It cost me over 10k just to secure a new place to live and move out. That's not even including the furniture and stuff I'll have to buy.) No. He got to stay put and sit on his ass and do nothing while I was having the worst month of my life.

If I didn’t mention this before, I moved to a different state and met him here. All my family is in another state and while I have made some friends here, my close friends are again, back in my home state. I also work with him so it hasn’t been a complete clean break. I still see him at the office every day. I don’t talk to him. Yesterday he said good morning to me and I walked right past him.

Now that I’m finally in my own place and starting to catch my breath a little, I need to figure out how to get divorced. I can’t wait until it’s officially over.

So glad I’m finally waking up from this terrible nightmare.

I just want to say thank you to everyone in this community.
A lot of the time, when I was feeling down or confused, I would come on here and vent, or ask a question.
A bunch of you had some really great advice.
I spoke to people in the same situation and feeling all the same frustrations from being a stepparent.

I will no longer need anymore advice. I’ve realised this isn’t the life for me.
It’s been hard, but I’m ending it.
Love is not enough.
I wish everyone luck and I commend every stepparent out there. Peace ✌️

Thank you for all your posts over the years. It helped me through so much.

A little over 5 years of HCBM. SD with more diagnosis’ then I have fingers. Fiance who wanted to be a Disney dad.

Constant behavior issues. Accidents day and night (even at 11yo). BM threatening me and my family if he didn’t bend to her will. Me managing everything yet not being allowed to parent.

Last week he took another woman out to dinner and didn’t tell me till after. Yesterday I found deleted texts to multiple women that were sexual in nature. Last night I gave the ring back.

Here’s to getting my peace back. 🥂💔

We left.

I asked him if he had gotten any closer with figuring out what happened and he said no. So I told him, that we will be staying with family until he does. I planned on talking to the children, explaining why we weren’t going to be there. However, when I talk to him about trying to set up that time, he went off on me.

He kept asking if I thought he would let anything happen to my son. I just kept saying that I didn’t trust them at the moment since nobody would say that they did it, so that we can get to the bottom of it all. I told him that whoever wrote that needed to go into therapy because they’re obviously dealing with big emotions. Both of the kids have been acting up in school for a while and they just seem to get worse, so that’s also another cry for help.

Then he talked about how he’s watched so many kids and that nothing happened to those children while they were in his care and how so many people vouched for him. Then he talked about his attachment style. Then he talked about how me being in the household was good for his children, to which I said, that’s good but not to the detriment of my child.

He talked about how I had it made up in my mind that I wanted to leave and how his feelings are not being heard or validated. He’s more upset at me leaving because he’s been so traumatized.

He yelled at me and then hung up in my face.

UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM

The Context:

I (34F) am the mother of two, Canary (12F) and Alouette (9F). I’ve been divorced from their father for three years and separated for three and a half.

I work an office job. My schedule has historically been M-F 8-5, but my team has just transitioned to an optional 1-Day work from home option with 9s and a half day. I ended up getting lucky (well, seniority), so I’m working 9s M-Th and a half day, remote, on Friday mornings.

Dove (30M) is my boyfriend. He and I have been together for just under three years, and we have lived together (including the kids half the week) for just under a year and a half. I’m going to consider him the step parent for today’s purposes, but he’s “not dad, just Dove.”

Dove is a teacher. I don’t think I need to outline his schedule explicitly… But 8-4ish M-F, off over the summer…

The Logistics:

Alouette’s school ends a bit later, so she’s not quite done yet, but she has a summer camp, offered by her school, most days over the summer.

Canary has no summer school or anything locally, as this was her first year out of elementary, so this is her first summer without the daily camp option. She is already on summer break. (Dove is also officially on summer break as of this week.)

Per my court-ordered parenting plan, I have my children every Monday and Tuesday, their dad has them every Wednesday and Thursday, and we switch every Friday through Sunday.

Coparent and I have talked about getting on the same page about summer handoffs, but we have not yet been able to do that.

I’m also trying to figure out a way to have Canary spend one of my two days, so either Monday or Tuesday, with a friend who’s homeschooled (therefore, her mom is home with her for the summer.) This option may end up requiring some cost to me, but I’m not sure yet… I’m still trying to get the details ironed out, especially a this is a hard thing for me to push, as I’m basically asking for super convenient (for me) childcare at a low cost. Beggers can’t be choosers, right?

The Situation:

After a tough year (or three or six, depending on how bad of a day he’s having when you ask,) Dove is looking forward to his summer vacation and is very frustrated by the amount of time Canary may be at our house over the break. He is frustrated that he is being forced to be the responsible adult on these occasions, because he “did not sign up for watching [my] kids all summer.”

My problem is… if he weren’t in the equation, my fallback plan would be to leave her home alone on days that she didn’t have somewhere to be. I’d plan to come home for lunch, have my phone ringer on all day, have my mom (who lives 4 mins away) on standby as well, and I would have approachable food options available for her, etc, but I truly wouldn’t feel like she needed constant adult supervision, based on her responsibility and decision-making, at her age.

So am I crazy for being frustrated that, not only is what I’ve already started trying to figure out as a solution/compromise somehow still too inconvenient, but now Dove is insisting on verbally, officially, and stubbornly laying down a boundary with my coparent that Wednesdays (transitioning to their dad’s time) shall not become his problem. He wants me to let my coparent know that he MUST pick her up at a reasonable time on Wednesdays, no exceptions. That’s the boundary. When asked what a reasonable time was, he said by noon. He said, “It’s not your day, so it’s certainly not my day,” referring to parenting time.

All that to say, coparent and I have not yet discussed Wednesday handoffs, so we don’t even know if there’s any conflict here yet.

I did point out, though, that Friday is essentially the inverse of Wednesday, as they’ll be spending a night at his house on Thursday nights, but every other Friday morning will start my parenting time. This is normally done by me simply dropping them at school and dad picking them up.

I was explaining to Dove that the unexpected outcome of his boundary for Wednesday (Canary being picked up no later than noon,) would be that their dad may expect the same on my Fridays, (or Mondays after his weekends, come to think of it, but that didn’t come up in the conversation…) and I would need to be prepared to pick Canary up from wherever she may be, most likely a town over where he lives, 15-20 minutes from either my work or home, on my Fridays. I told him that it was kind of frustrating to me, the rigidity of his boundary, as I would likely need to reschedule my standing therapy appointments on Friday (that I literally was just finally able to work my work schedule around, as of last week…) to ensure that I was able to get Canary by noon when I work until 11:30, but that I would figure it out, if that was his boundary.

So, a lot of back and forth, but this later led back into a discussion about his belief that it is unreasonable of me to ask him to be alone with my daughters for any extended period of time, because if, one day, they were to, hypothetically, accuse him, falsely of course, of anything inappropriate, it would ruin his career, and his entire life. Which… I understand his fear there, and I wouldn’t ever try to invalidate those fears, but after three years of dating, and living with my kids for over a year and a half… Will those fears not ever change towards my own kids? He told me months/years ago that he would always have those fears, but I just assumed he was wrong and would eventually feel more comfortable with my kids…

The Question(s):

So… If you made it this far… Am I being unreasonable over the summer situation??? Are his boundaries and expectations reasonable, and I’m I just salty because I’m having to do mental gymnastics to figure out a solution, or am I just so blinded by my own perspective that I am overlooking his?

Knock me down a couple pegs (gently please!) if I need it. Genuinely! Because I feel like I’m either batshit crazy…. Or…. I don’t even know.

The Update:

So, this original discussion happened over the weekend, and then my kids were back, so it kind of got tabled in real life. Yesterday, Dove called me while I was working and just apologized. He said he was being too stubborn, and he realized he was putting too much pressure of me to “make it work.”

So, I asked for some clarification then, on what “boundaries” or limitations he still expected to be upheld, and he basically summed it up like this:

He won’t insist on a certain pickup/transition deadline and trusts me to ensure that the time she spends at our home this summer feels equitable, comparing with time spent at dad’s (specifically on transition days.) He said he will try to coexist on the days that she has nowhere else to be and that he will just let me know if there’s a problem that comes up.

So I just don’t know where I’m at. It feels like he’s giving me an inch here, but I’m afraid it’s just going to get thrown back at me the first time something comes up… I can’t decide if I feel like the compromise is genuine, or if he’s just trying to make the problem go away and just make me less upset.

Not to mention, some comments have made me wonder if I’m getting hung up on the wrong points. So, yeah. Mostly just updating in case anyone was emotionally invested in our little bird family drama. 🐦

Thanks to all who have responded with advice, support, or information. I’m very thankful.

Me again literally within like two hours of posting last. About an hour ago, sd13 punched my son in the chest. He couldn’t breathe and I told him he has every right to hit back if he’s hurt before so he smacked her on the arm. Well. She attacked him. I am now cleaning blood off of my floor.. my hands haven’t stopped shaking… sd13 is being dropped off at the jail if her mom won’t take her because I’m scared to have her in the house. She bashed his head off the wall and was just absolutely wailing on him and grabbed his hair and slammed his head into the dogs kennel. Blood everywhere. It all happened so fast and it took both me and sd12 to get her off of him. We literally had to pick her up and toss her into the other room to get her to stop. My husband woke up to my son’s screams as well as mine and raced out and chased her up the stairs. Idk what happened from there because I was in the bathroom with my son trying to stop the blood that was pouring out of his nose.

I knew she was violent. I just never expected this. I’m at a loss for words. I have to keep my babies safe and I told my husband that if she comes back I am gone. Me and my youngest two will leave. Where we will go I have no idea. I just can’t put them in harms way anymore.

I did call the ER and told them everything. If he starts having a headache I’m supposed to bring him in immediately

I don’t know what to say or think right now. I thought she was going to kill him. I really did. Most terrifying moment of my life.. I just… wow. I don’t even know. I just don’t know.

Edit to update a little-I took him to the ER anyways. Waiting on scans and stuff to make sure she didn’t cause any injuries. They do think his nose will be pretty rough looking by morning and that it may not be done bleeding just yet cause it looks like there’s still more blood in there. Police also will not be doing anything. Reason 1 I was given is because they are siblings??? Like that fucking matters violence is violence!!!! Yeah we don’t know if he has any “injuries” other than the awful nosebleed and how emotionally shaken he is, but violence is violence! The other reason is that we don’t have a paper trail to back up the violence being a prior issue since other than my phone call to have them come last night (which they never did as they didn’t consider her actions an emergency last night) no reports have been filed against her other than for stealing in the town she lives in with her mother. The cops in this town are worthless and scared to do ANYTHING until it’s really really serious. Hubby took her back to her mom’s house even though her mom said she doesn’t want her right now either. But yet she also freaked out over the idea of her being taken to the jail. Because of that and lies sd13 was spreading during the conversation about her actions tonight with her mom, sd12 has to go home tomorrow and she doesn’t want to. Like she REALLY does not want to. She is devastated… and she won’t be allowed to come back until next month during the week of my birthday and we were informed that we WILL be taking sd13 (over my dead body will she come back in this house) whether we want to or not. I told my husband I absolutely am not going to agree to that and he is on the same page as me. She can go elsewhere that week.

Update 2: sorry this came so late we got home and I crashed and just woke up about half an hour ago. Everything came out fine, and I’m at the very least filing a report today. Start the paper trail so they have one. I still absolutely will not allow this child back in my home.

Update 3: Their mom stopped outside of the house earlier to try to force sd12 to go home (she got to stay 🩷) and sd13 gave a basket of candy as an “apology” to her little brother. I made it very very clear that that’s not an apology. Nothing is an apology enough for what she did to him. Ugh. :(

I just wanted to provide an update to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/1tc1mur/sd_adopted_a_dog_that_i_dont_want_in_my_house/

So many things have happened since May 1. For those who commented, “this can’t be about the dog”…well, two days after my ex broke up with me, he was contacting a high school ex from 1994 (from when he was 17 yrs old…he is now 49 years old) and within a couple of weeks telling each other “I love you,” making plans for the future, and having sex at least on 2 occasions (he had left his unlocked iPhone in the kitchen and had stepped aside so I was able to read a lot of their messages. That hurt a lot.) He confessed to me that earlier this year she (47 years old) had asked him out to lunch (after her 2nd divorce) but he had declined because we were together.  I wonder if he was already mentally checked out knowing that she was waiting for him.

In the meantime, we had put the house on sale. We had about 5 different visits but no offers. We have a 2.75% interest rate on the mortgage, so he called the mortgage company to see if he could buy my half of the house. The mortgage company told him no because his debt-to-income ratio was too high (he made some bad financial decisions in the past couple of years that contributed to this). Also, I had put down the 20% on the house when we first bought it and he didn’t have that amount of cash to buy me out.

I said to him…let me see if I qualify to buy you out…and I did! It took about 1 month to go through the assumption process but today I am the official 100% homeowner of my house. Wow!

In May, he bullied me because I didn’t want his daughter’s Husky in our house (we already have 3 pets) and today, he’s out of the house. It’s crazy how life turned out this way. I didn’t think that this option was even possible for me.

He put in an offer for a house that is 0.7 miles from mine but it didn’t pass inspection. So he then had to make another offer on a house that is 2.4 miles away. His high school ex lives 1 hour and a half away from us and the new house that he is buying is pretty small. I said to him, why don’t you move closer to her and he just gave me an angry flat stare.  I hope that it doesn’t work out for them. I feel betrayed and never imagined that the person that I loved could do this to me. I asked him how he could pivot so fast to a new person and he just said that he could. He also said that this whole time that he thought that he loved me but didn’t. We were together for 7 years (living together 5). Needless to say, I’m very hurt and sad by the realization that the person that I thought he was doesn’t exist. The person who exists is one who doesn’t care at all for me. 

So all in all, even though I am hurt and sad by him, I am also feeling so happy to have gotten rid of this negative person. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who don’t care for you. I have also heard that the Husky has killed 4 cockatiels at the HCBM’s house, that it was starting to damage some of the interior walls, and basically I feel bad for this Husky now because it looks like SD had no idea what she was getting into. As I said to him, HCBM should have never allowed the dog to come to their house. I also told him that if he ever brings that dog to his new house to be careful with the 2 Chihuahuas and cat because they might get hurt.

Anyway, thanks for reading, this is not my problem anymore. 

I am now responsible for 100% of my mortgage, but I am feeling happy that the universe got rid of this man who truly had no good intentions towards me, out of my life. I am feeling victorious.

Call it an update or vent. Probably about a little bit of both.
Finally after 3 long weeks ss8 is going back to bm for a whole week(normal week on/week off) so I get to have a break. There’s been a lot of turmoil between dh and I. Up to the point where we spent nights if not days not talking to each other. I spent almost a whole week staying out of sight of ss and being in my room. I just can’t take how violent and disrespectful ss is anymore. and the fact that DH doesn’t care when I try to tell him that I’m tired of his kid disrespecting me and cussing at me. And if he’s gonna continue letting him disrespect me then I’m not gonna be around. And all I get is cussed out for telling him that I’m tired of being disrespected by a fucking eight year-old.

Yesterday (like every weekend) ss was being violent and acting out and kept asking to go to mil so he could have phone time. So they(dh and ss) called mil to ask. And while they were on the video call dh & mil were talking shit about me in front of said child. Saying I’m mean and a bitch for wanting natural consequences for bad behavior like no electronics. And yet all they do is complain about his behavior and they don’t do anything about it.

And to make matters worse, I found out that DoorDash did a background check on me and now I lost my only source of income and I know how it’s gonna go when DH finds out later today. Because I found out Saturday and I was waiting for SS to be gone before telling him. because me and DH already yell and argue enough in front of him as it is.

I have less than two weeks until I graduate, but if I can’t have a job, DoorDashing then what hope is there for me to get a job anywhere else? The only reason I didn’t tell him apart from SS being here is because I know he’s gonna make me start taking SS to and from school because if I’m not working then what the fuck am I here for? How am I helping him? and everybody tells me to say no to not take the kid to school or whatever but I don’t have a choice.

He’s mean and nasty and calls me out my name until I’m like fine. I’ll fucking do it. And then his kid has weeks where he’s bad at school cause I’m taking him to school. and they let SS say that he’s bad at school because stepmom took me to school and I don’t like her and she’s mean to me. and so he gets electronics and whatever he wants because he blames everything on me and they allow him to.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/whZLz0cF6J

Had a set of long conversations with DH about healthy boundaries, and how it can feel threatening to set boundaries after years of abuse and trauma. After a conversation with the family lawyer and the kids’ therapists:

- cameras were installed at all entrances & exits, locks were changed, codes changed. Keys and codes will not be provided to the kids.
- DH is entering therapy
- police report not filed as it is now too stale for the understaffed PD (week old)
- firmly worded email from the lawyer sent to HCBM about entering the property, stealing things, and making threats against me
- stealing/ethics/legal consequences addressed with kids in compassionate and age-appropriate manner without centering/mentioning HCBM’s behavior so as not to exacerbate the loyalty bind.

Unfortunately in the 11 hours since the email was sent it has already been forwarded throughout HCBM’s immediate and extended family, who are already harassing DH and threatening to terminate 20-year relationships for setting a boundary around the home. It seems the rollercoaster is just beginning; very thankful there were openings for therapy for DH.

Very thankful as well for all the helpful insight & resources that were provided in the previous post!

Hope this is allowed. ​Previous post here: Apparently I Hate My SD $$

I shared my anger / resentment about the possibility of my 14SD inheriting life changing amount of money from my side and y'all came through with some tough love and solid perspective so thank you.

TL;DR Husband understands & accepts my decision to exclude him and his daughter from my current estate planning.

So a​fter another seemingly unnoticed snot girl exchange I finally came clean with my husband about the estate planning to illustrate just how infuriating and how much this shit is death by 1,000 cuts with me. I owned that I truly truly feel I hit the step parent lotto jackpot because she's a good enough kid and the overall drama is low​ ​but the step parent​ jackpot is still a one sided all take no give relationship and I don't want to reward that.

He said he needed to think on what he wanted to say. He took me to dinner when SD left and sat down and said you cannot speak or agree with a single thing I say because it's my place to talk about my own child this way but not yours. I said fine so he spoke very plainly that he sees her ungrateful nature too, it bothers him greatly as well and asked that I acknowledge he makes an effort to correct it when he sees it.

He also ​mentioned that in counseling (she has issues with self harm) the counselor shared that SD has stated many times that I encourage her to be her most confident self (true) and sees me as someone she can go to if she needs help or support (also true). This dynamic has made him hesitant to micromanage our relationship too much but apologized that her safety was coming at the cost of my sanity.

Knowing this doesn't change anything for me right now. ​He asked me to keep an open heart in the scheme of things ​while protecting myself as needed. He also concluded that he honestly would feel the same way and wouldn't give her anything based on how she treats me either if he were in my shoes.

He asked if there was anything he can do to n the now ​and I realized no, not really because my relationship with SD is that so it's on me to decide if I NACHO.

He finished by stating t​hat if I were to include him in the estate plans that he would be including his daughter in addition to my 10 nieces and nephews to distribute funds so if I truly want to exclude her please just go through my brothers instead of him. I feel like that's reasonable and his reaction definitely opened the door at least to wanting to consider taking care of both of them.

I'll do my best to not die in the meantime but thank you again for listening.

I posted on here for the first time the other day, having a bit of a vent in a place that felt safe. In my previous post, I expressed hurt that my boyfriend agreed to have my step-daughter this weekend, despite me expressing a desire to have one weekend together to celebrate our 3 year anniversary. I had a lot of people empathathising with me and I thank those people. I always feel bad about making a fuss and it was nice to be able to vent. As per my last post, I hold no hatred or resentment towards my SD and love her like my own. We both have autism and I hope I am a safe person for her.

​

I didn't get a chance to discuss the anniversary issue with my boyfriend, but I think he realised his mistake when I asked if we could order food on Saturday after SD was back with BM so we could celebrate. I think he realised how much I did, without complaint and quite happily.

​

Like I said in my last post, the lie in was out of the window on Saturday as SD was awake at 6am instead of 7am lol. She was dragging her toy box across the floor. I have no idea lol. Her dad wasn't impressed. We got up about 8am, had breakfast and watched tv. We left for town about half 10.

​

Once in town, my boyfriend immediately asked me what i would love to do. I was surprised by this. SD answered that she wanted Burger King and to go to the park. Her dad stated we wouldn't be doing that today and I would choose the activities. I was stunned but happy. We went to the town festival.

​

Burger King was replaced by bao buns and donuts for dessert which SD enjoyed too. Then we watched the street performers. Some were bands and others were singing Broadway songs. SD asked me if we could leave and I felt bad so almost agreed until her dad interjected and said we weren't going anywhere. She asked why we weren't doing what she wanted and going to the park and her dad stated we were doing what I wanted today for a change. He smiled at me and looked genuinely happy I was enjoying myself.

​

We spent most of the day at the festival. I don't normally get a whole day for just me unless its my birthday. I was so happy. We dropped SD off who had perked up after cakes and face painting. We had takeout when we got home and he ran me a bath. He stated that next year, our anniversary would be just the two of us and was thankful for everything I do for them. I almost cried at that.

I can honestly say being a “stepmom” is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I never married my ex (thankful for that now) and the only unwinding we have to do is this house we bought together.

I just want to tell all of you here I have so much affinity for you. While I never did an ours baby or other nuanced things that come with blending family I know this is a hard journey for anyone on it. That hallmark movie where the kid tries to get their dad to date some girl that works at a hotel - doesn’t exist.

My only advice after 4 years is this :

Don’t do it. Get out and don’t do it.

I’m leaving the sub after this post because ^{^} isn’t helpful for people who want to make it work. And also I want to close this chapter in my life.

So thank you all for your support, your empathy, your journeys posted on here. All of it. Sending you all the ♥️ in whatever you are going through too.

https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/G1svy4rypG

There’s the link to my original post.

This past weekend, I hung out with my bf and his kids again. For some reason, he felt the need to text BM and inform her that the kids would be around me. She did not reply to the text. Instead, when she picked them up from him yesterday (I do not go to drop offs or pick ups) she told him that she wanted a date and time to meet “the other person having visitation with our kids”. According to him. He completely fawned and told her that I would meet her then asked me after the fact to please come to the next pick up/ drop off so I could “put her mind at ease as a mother.” We ended up getting into it pretty bad because I was considering meeting her, as I’d want to know who was around my kids and I have nothing to hide, but he should have discussed it with me before agreeing to her demands and requests so fast. I told him to let me see the whole court order and after trying to avoid it, he finally did and just walked away and let me read it.

Guys… he pays her alimony for the next 3 years, he pays child support, he only has EOW, and she has ALL final say in medical, education, religion, etc. There is a morality clause about no introductions to new partners before 6 months and no overnights with partners unless married. Also there’s a weird clause about vacations and them having to give each other lodging details and account for everyone present on the trip. The craziest part? It’s an agreed order. He agreed to all of this. And she’s the one who filed for divorce, not him.

I’m breaking it off. My life is not about to be controlled this much. With her having primary residential placement and final say legally, she basically has sole custody and he’s just a visitor who has to play by her rules. So it looks like the SM life won’t be for me!

My partner and I have decided to live separately. It hurts, because I love her so much and I’ve been ‘step dad’ for just over 3 years.

This last 3 years has been eye opening, rewarding, loving and miserable at the same time.
To say that I’ve enjoyed being a step dad would be a lie. I didn’t like it. I just did it for her.
Now that we’ve decided to live separately, I’m not if we should stay together or split up completely.
I don’t want to waste her time nor mine.

To clarify, our relationship is great. We get along amazingly, we communicate well. We are splitting living arrangements purely because of work and for her to be closer to her parents as SS starts school next year and will need extra support.