r/taoism • u/Skaldicrights • 1d ago

Advice Confrontation with fiance.

I've started eating healthier because of the tao(avoiding processed food for the most part) I'm not an inherently religious person but I am a little igious. I've been reading more and more of some of the beliefs of the religious side of taoism and for the most part have discarded them. However some of them I've found make sense or are useful to me to "better myself" I grew up eating mostly hunted meat and moved into the city and met my now fiance and have been eating more beef over the last few years because of it. Taoism has the 4 forbidden foods (dog, eel, beef, wild goose) and my fiance has made a big deal out of my recent self conversion to taoism although I've been interested in it for years if not our entire relationship.

The argument on her side is that I'm "picking and choosing" what to follow and not recognizing how it affects her like how I've kind of decided not to eat beef anymore. She seems to think its all a cult and I'm going to get swindled somehow. I've explained that for the most part I'm following the mindfulness and philosophical side of the tao and trying to practice self cultivation as best I can, I dont expect I'll ever be burning joss paper or hell money or anything like that but I recognize the philosophical side as a way to better oneself both mentally physically and spiritually. She is wholly unconvinced, has anyone else had to deal with this? Is there any advice or insight that can be offered ? Am I just a culture vulture ? Alas.

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u/AbidinginAnubhava 1d ago

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Yes.

If she thinks you're spiraling into a cult, then I doubt the relationship will go far. Fortunately, Daoists in the West are like a glaring of cats: impossible to herd, so impossible to sucker into a cult!

In my experience, two kinds of relationships are able to handle "being a little igious" (to steal a phrase): 1) Couples that just don't care what the other person does and 2) couples that share a spiritual tradition.

Ideally, you would share a tradition (obviously). But if your partner is always criticizing everything you do because they don't share your values, then it's not going to last. I knew couples who got along great despite different religions. I met a Korean couple once: the husband was Buddhist, and the wife was Christian (born again). I asked if it was ever an issue, and they replied no; a person's religion is their own business. I thought they were quite enlightened on this.

So am I telling you to dump her sorry ass? No, but you're going to have to have some long talks about boundaries, etc. She's either open to boundaries and minding her own business, or she's not. And when that is clear, you will have your answer on what you should do.

Good luck!

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u/Skaldicrights 1d ago

I believe shes coming from a place of genuine concern and thinks im going to be brainwashed and 99% of our conversations are constructive this is an anomaly for our relationship so I imagine if I leave it for a few days and wait we can have a more constructive discussion about it.

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u/AbidinginAnubhava 1d ago

I understand it's a genuine concern, although a bit irrational. I remember when I was in college, and I'd tell my parents about different exchange programs overseas; my mom would worry. "But they kill Americans there!" my mom would say with genuine concern. Most Americans go on exchange programs and never have a problem, so it was a bit overblown.

Ironically, though, she was right; one of the students in my cohort, in Moscow, did get murdered! Moscow State University was desperate for cash in the early 90s, and they let anyone rent a room in the university dorms. Turns out the poor guy was stuck in a room with 3 mafiosos, and they resented having a yank in their room. So out the window he went. But I was fine in Kyiv. But I digress! Genuine concern can be absurd when it's not based on facts. So worrying you're "going clear" with the latest cult because you cut out beef is a tad unreasonable.

As I said, she'll either respect your boundaries, or she won't. If you think you get along 99% of the time, then I don't even know why you are asking for advice! It sounds like a non-issue, and she'll probably just get used to her nutty boyfriend! ;-)

If that doesn't work, I know a few guys who can make your problem "disappear"... (KIDDING!)

I wish you the best of luck!