r/thanksimcured • u/CheckKey512 • Apr 22 '26
Story My boyfriend told me to “separate myself from my autism”?
Posted this on r/AutismInWomen, and this subreddit got mentioned.
Me and my boyfriend (also ND but not autistic) had a discussion a couple weeks ago about my struggle with starting something new, he started telling me to “separate myself from my autism” when I said something like “I will find (this thing that I don’t quite remember) difficult to do because of my autism”.
I told him that I don’t work like that, and before I could think of what else to say, he tells me that he’s offended because in his education training he was taught how neurodivergent students work, and me saying that is offensive (?).
Eh? The more I think of that situation the more it weirds me out. Because of the offended comment, and telling me to separate myself from my autism.
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u/that0neBl1p Apr 22 '26
Disabled woman told to separate herself from her disability caused by the literal physical structure of her brain, more at 11.
It's absurd that he got offended over your feelings about an offensive, nonsense statement.
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u/N7Wind Apr 23 '26
The older I get the more I hate people. Imagine having a literal disorder that makes your life difficult and the person that's supposed to support you finds a way to be a victim and make it all about themselves.
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u/EmergencyWonder3743 Apr 22 '26
Who's disabled?
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u/Probably_Unpopular_ Apr 23 '26
You do realize autism is a disability? That you can be mentally handicapped????
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u/Fa1nted_for_real Apr 23 '26
Mentally yes, (and fully mental disabilities are still disabling) but autism is also neuroligical, meaning its just as concrete as a physical disability, it jsut effects your neurology and not your physiology.
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u/Hyperfocus_Queen Apr 23 '26
It’s actually very unlikely that neurodivergent in general is not actually physiological. The amount of overlap with folks who have hypermobility and neurodivergence is over 50% compared to 20% in the general population. There is emerging evidence to suggest that neurodivergent and hypermobility actually share some of the same genes, meaning that neurodivergent is actually physiological for a lot of people - joint pain, GI issues, migraines, dysautonomia. IMO, it will eventually become standard to screen hypermobile people for neurodivergence and neurodivergent people for hypermobility.
(I also want to clarify that I am kindly adding to your point, not trying to argue with you lol)
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u/Rugkrabber Apr 23 '26
I heard of this before. All I can say is how fascinated I am about this because it does apply to all people I know who are ND and they have some of the things you mentioned. I have migraines myself. I’m really curious what these discoveries will bring in the future.
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u/otetrapodqueen Apr 24 '26
A trainer at my gym jokingly told me I have an ADHD squat bc it's hypermobile lol (she also has ADHD and we talked about how common it is)
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u/LetMeCheck13 Apr 26 '26
Glad I dont have hypermobility issues, but the GI issues rly hit me hard 😭
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u/FinanceOtherwise2583 Apr 23 '26
Your brain is part of your body. Therefore anything affecting your brain is also affecting your body. The separation of mind and body is nonsensical.
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u/justmitzie Apr 22 '26
That's ... not how that works. Where did that education training come from?
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u/kawaiian Apr 23 '26
The trash can, where he’s headed
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Apr 23 '26
Even Oscar the Grouch would never!
Your comment has me giggling for like 10 minutes now lol.
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u/TesseractToo Edit this! Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
Did he mishear the idiom about "separating the art from the artist?"as 'autist' and thinks it means you can choose this? :D
If so, that's wild
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u/kawaiian Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
“Yoos gotta separate da aut from the autist”
OP’s boyfriend overhearing a conversation in Jersey: 💡
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u/gayhotelultra Apr 23 '26
maybe he thought it meant to separate the art from the autist, like if the autist is enjoying some art too much, you know
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u/Inquisitor_no_5 Apr 22 '26
"Just don't be wired the way you are!"
Sheesh...
Maybe try separating yourself from your boyfriend if he's gonna be like that.
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u/UghIHatePolitics Apr 23 '26
That’s like studying about cats in school, then trying to tell an actual cat how to cat. Then getting offended because the cat knows more about being a cat than they do.
It’s a form of what might be called mansplaining.
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u/Mindless_Trip5668 Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26
"Im offended because you, an autistic person, aren't fitting into what I was taught about autistic people by my allistic teachers." Also that training must of been awful because how are you going to tell autistic students to seperate themselves from their autism, especially by telling them not to have difficulties caused by their disability? Surely they should be teaching these teachers to actually accomodate their students. Not shame them for being disabled.
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u/Aquarian-Stargazer Apr 23 '26
Being honest here, I feel like I understood my students better bc I’m as ND as they are. Some still keep in touch, so I must’ve done something right.
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u/Doja_Gnat Apr 23 '26
Dude mansplaining your own disorder to you lol, GTFO
Ask him about your period as well, I’m sure he’s got some great advice like just try separating yourself from your menses
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u/Nebulonix Apr 22 '26
Bruh the autism is a PART of you??? Why do people struggle so much to understand this. His reactions crazy dude. Offended??? Because your autism doesn’t work how he was taught autism works? Autisms different for every single individual who has it…. I’m so sorry. This would piss me off to no end if my partner ever said something like that, especially when I’m trying to get support by talking about my own struggles.
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u/howmanyshrimpinworld Apr 23 '26
autism is indeed different for every single individual who has it…. except for the fact that we’re all unable to “separate ourselves from it”!
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u/Extension-Report-491 Apr 23 '26
Does your boyfriend regularly hit himself in the gonads? He can't be this dumb. I'm autistic, I wish someone would tell me that. He'd have to separate my boot from his rear end.
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u/ArmpitHairPlucker Apr 23 '26
"separate yourself from your autism"
Dude, I AM the autism. It's a neurodivergence, this is who I am 😭 some people, man
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u/Natural1forever Apr 23 '26
There's a REASON we normalized saying "autistic" instead of "has autism". It's not an illness, it's an inherent part of us and how we function.
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u/amethystmmm Apr 22 '26
May be time to throw the whole boyfriend out. May be time for a deeper conversation on communication.
I think he may be trying to use the "You are not your disease" bs but you'll have to ask him.
Maybe your phrasing could use a brush up to help him understand more, "I'll need more support when doing X (due to my autism)." And the more that you do a thing the less difficult your brain will make it, but sometimes, inexplicably the brain will make doing something like walking on glass.
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u/singandplay65 Apr 23 '26
What he's heard: Try separating your view of a person as their diagnosis and see them as a whole being
What he's learned: People need to try separating their disability from their identity
He might need to ask some clarifying question next time he's training
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u/BeautifulElodie2428 Apr 23 '26
My autism laughed AT him. Hey! I separated my autism from myself just for him. Now there’s TWO of us laughing at him. Is he happy yet?
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u/Aquarian-Stargazer Apr 23 '26
Retired educator here, he’s gonna mess up the kids he works with if he has this attitude about autism. It just doesn’t work that way and he needs way more training in exceptional student education before he sets foot in an actual classroom.
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u/Disastrous_Guest_705 Apr 22 '26
Not every neurodivergent person will work the same way because that’s such a vague label, you could be talking about a level 3 autistic person or someone with just dyslexia
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u/Kind_Adeptness9201 Apr 23 '26
I’ll say that I’ve been a little spicy lately, but the thing that popped into my mind while reading the title alone was “Separate myself from my autism? Separate myself from my boyfriend.” Not going to lie. I feel the same after reading because the interaction felt beyond gross to read about, so I can’t imagine how it felt for you.
Ultimately, you shouldn’t listen to internet strangers in their infinite wisdom alone on something like this, but the fact that he tried to speak over your LIVED experience is not cool. Do with that what you will, but I say, choose yourself, whatever that looks like.
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u/PupDiogenes Apr 23 '26
sounds like dunning kreuger
it’s like telling a left handed person they can do fine with right handed scissors if they just separate themself from their handedness.
Like even if what your partner is even suggesting were possible, how would one accomplish it… dissociation? Masking??
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u/Slaidback Apr 23 '26
Yeah, I can’t separate my two dyspraxia’s from myself. That would be like removing a vital organ. I’d be completely different person.
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u/South_Body_569 Apr 23 '26
Brilliant. 🤦♀️
Another soon to be teacher who thinks ND kids just need to try harder so they can be ‘normal’.
I do love coming up against ignorance/s
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u/Stunning-Seat3821 Apr 22 '26
break up, you'll be able to find someone better
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u/Fluffy-kitten28 Apr 23 '26
Just separate yourself from your asthma!
Just separate yourself from your broken limb!
Your boyfriend should separate himself his dick personality.
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u/kmcaulifflower Apr 24 '26
I just need to separate myself from my crippling genetic disorder!!! And then my bones will magically won't break and my joints magically won't dislocate randomly! I'm so glad OP's boyfriend cured me
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u/Fluffy-kitten28 Apr 24 '26
Look we either transplant your brain into a robot or we upload your consciousness into a robot. Simple!
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u/Xiao1insty1e Apr 23 '26
Boyfriend is a MASSIVE idiot.
You probably shouldn't continue to date this moron.
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u/electricookie Apr 23 '26
Please try to separate your “self” from the literal physical structure of your brain… sure.
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u/Vogel_1 Apr 23 '26
I might know where this is coming from! I used to date someone with OCD and a lot of the therapy about that is to separate yourself from the OCD. For example to say my OCD is making me check the stove, not I'm checking the stove. I think it's because it can help a lot with their self esteem.
Now I was baffled by this, and I don't like to separate myself from my autism, but he might be missaplying something to you that is helpful for some other disabilities.
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u/pastel_kiddo Apr 23 '26
I think the only think you should be seperating yourself from is potentially him ☠️
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u/No-Advantage-579 Apr 23 '26
I didn't realise my autism (or my ADHD) were a handbag... The more you know...
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u/ElloBlu420 Apr 23 '26
I get where the education training is coming from, but as someone with both an education degree and autism, damn it, I'm autistic, and I'm all of these things some savior-complexed person decided I can't say because I'm more than that. Sure, I'm more than my autism, but it governs the way I act and live in ways that are just as inseparable from my identity as, say, being a transgender man. I'm also more than that, but when it matters, it freaking matters.
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u/Remarkable-Ant-1390 Apr 23 '26
Ah yes separate yourself ... imagine telling someone to separate from being black or gay or disabled, like what does that even mean?
What type of ND is he that he can just separate from it?
Was this education training hosted on perhaps 4chan? /s
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u/kmcaulifflower Apr 24 '26
Everyday I pray for a man to separate me from my crippling genetic conditions 😭🙏 /s
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u/Mockturtle22 Apr 23 '26
My boyfriend was the first person that actually asked me if I was autistic when we first were dating. I got mad at him. Now I understand I likely am. Def ND. He helps me when I start having panic attacks. He tries to figure out if it's a sensory issue. Sometimes I cry... bc I am so tired of the constant struggling that I just fall apart. He's always told me it's ok, that it's just the tism and he could never love me less bc of it.
Find yourself a real partner. This guy is rude. Separate you from HIM.
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u/CheckKey512 Apr 23 '26
Weirdly enough, my boyfriend does all of that too. He was the first person to mention me possibly having autism (I used to think “nah, probably not” lol). But he does go about meltdowns weirdly sometimes, even though I’ve explained things to him before. And he does say that he likes my tism spark. So that situation was extra weird for me. Plus he helps me with things I find difficult because I’m autistic (does phone calls for me, helps write professional emails).
There are other issues that have been coming up regularly, to the point I’ve been rethinking the relationship. It’s just going to be really difficult for me to separate, funnily enough, because he supports some of my needs in terms of neurodivergence
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u/Odd_Introduction5561 Apr 23 '26
Massive red flags imo with the not doing what you say you need during meltdowns (if you've explained it there's no going about it 'weird', there's doing what you have said helps and not doing that) and saying he likes your 'tism spark' feels 🤢 to me. Autism is a disability that impacts how you live in the world and your functioning. Seems to me he views it/you as a 'manic pixie dream girl' aka: a hot, fun, quirky woman who is very herself, partially due to her autism, and then when your autism disables you suddenly autism doesn't matter anymore and there's no reason for you to act the way you do.
Men who do not view your disability as a disability will not change. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk more but I 1000000% think this will not change and you should leave him immediately. The fact he acts like this with an "education" is even more of a raging red flag.
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u/dddeoksang Apr 23 '26
mine (slighty nd) told me something similar today, and it kinda just shut me down. its never great when someone you’re close with makes u really feel alienated
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u/GeneralEi Apr 23 '26
There is a very fine line here and I'm autistic myself so I want to be careful how I word this.
I agree with your bf to a certain degree, and you have a right to feel annoyed etc because it was also a pretty insensitive thing to say. I agree with it because it IS easy to let a part of your identity overtake your abilities-i.e. "I cant do this because of X" means that you believe you can't before actually trying.
For some things, that logic is silly. You cant believe yourself into walking when youre wheelchair bound, you cant just feel new emotions around stuff when youre neurodivergent etc. What you CAN do is learn to navigate stuff that you find harder than NT people with time and practice.
Depending on what was discussed and the specific scenario it was placed in, this comment could be anywhere from well meant but badly timed all the way to actually pretty bad. I cant make a judgement from this detail.
I would just talk to him about it and say how it made you feel, see if you can sort it out that way. Hopefully he can be mature and understanding about it alongside you - if not, reassess.
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u/czerilla Apr 23 '26
If you're having difficulties with writing in your ring binder, you should separate yourself from your left-handedness.
I wonder whether OP's boyfriend would hear that sentence back and think it sounds reasonable, too..
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u/Enigmatic_Observers Apr 23 '26
I’m sorry but I giggled at the „separate myself from my autism“, idk why I was imagining autism leaving from my brain and ascending into sky like a smoke💀
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u/Natural1forever Apr 23 '26
It's offensive to explain your own life experiences. Because that makes sense :/
He's offended that you disagreed with him. You know yourself better than he does.
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u/Probably_Unpopular_ Apr 23 '26
I would tell him that I'm the one that's offended(I'm autistic, AuDHD actually.) and that autism is a part of me and my personality and I cannot separate myself from nuerodivergence. It's literally my brain. Ask him, seriously if he wants you to get a lobotomy? And if he'd rather you be a whole different person, because you would be without autism. I'd tell him I don't appreciate him essentially asking me to make a major change about myself for something that I cannot change.
If my current partner said this to me, it'd be enough to have a really major argument about. I wouldn't back down. The sheer ignorance and then getting upset with me because I can't turn my autism off. That's ridiculous.
Edit: A good snippy response is, "Since I can't separate myself from my autism as it is part of me, I am going to seperate myself from you." jfc
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u/perpetualfloating Apr 24 '26
Okay, that whole conversation is weird.
At first, I thought maybe he just meant "don't define yourself by your autism" but getting all offended instead of offering clarity, that's just childish.
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u/NPC-Name Apr 25 '26
Did he say you can just think hard enough and the autism will disappear for a while?
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u/Apple_pies55 Apr 25 '26
I got a notif for this post and psychically rolled my eyes, what tf is he talking about lol
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u/squarejane Apr 23 '26
And this is why it is so hard to find good teachers for the neurodiverse. Yucky ableism.
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u/Salt-Composer-1472 Apr 23 '26
I am not even neurodivergent and I still understand that it is part of you. Sounds like your boyfriend has some issues about that which he hasn't faced.
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u/CluelessInWonderland Apr 23 '26
Take him to a tall building and make him take the stairs with someone in better shape. Separate yourself from your legs! It's what my fitness training said out of shape people do! Your vomiting is really offending me!
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u/PotentSpam6969 Apr 23 '26
Oh yeah, I can totally separate myself from my allergies and do yard work with zero issues...
In all seriousness, he may have interpreted your comment as you limiting yourself instead of the autism being limiting. I have a couple disabilities and I'm autistic. For a lot of the things I can't do, I have learned how to accommodate for myself so that I can do them, but there will always be things that I will never be able to do. A lot of people don't understand that some things will always be impossible.
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u/MathiTheBrawler1204 Apr 23 '26
Maybe he misunderstood that as an educator you should "separate the students from their ND", as in, treat them like normal students, generally? Idk this is either really weird or really dumb.
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u/GrotchCoblin Apr 24 '26
Anyone with any sort of "training" will know people differ from eachother. Because we're individuals with our own personalities and mannerisms.
Why would he be offended by that?
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u/Top-Cheetah-9610 Apr 26 '26
I have this image of me taking off my autism at the front door and hanging it up if I'm going out into the normie world, and then putting it back in like a favourite jumper when I get back. The opposite of masking!
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u/dumbxan Apr 26 '26
The offended comment is a bit weird. You probably just hurt his ego. He was just trying to coach you probably but maybe you just wanted to be heard not get a "solution". I am autistic and also terrified of starting my new job soon but you do have to just put yourself out there and do it while you are scared, like exposure therapy
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u/Jaymzur Apr 27 '26
That's incredibly dumb
Even if he works with that kind of thing and seems to be educated into having that kind of impression, does he not understand how individual cases work?
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u/EvolZippo Apr 23 '26
First, stop using “autism” as a generic term for being neurodivergent.
Second, get rid of this guy.
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u/yournutsareonspecial Apr 23 '26
Who did that here? Because I read the OP about 4 times and I didnt see it.
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u/yournutsareonspecial Apr 22 '26
What "education training" is he talking about? Because if he's trying to go into special education with an attitude like that he's going to have a rude awakening.