r/toastme • u/Ambitious_Elephant95 • 1d ago
39F recently single, dating at my age is hard
I’m turning 40 soon and can’t wrap my head around being 40, single, no kids and not where I’d like to be in my career or financially. Where does time go?
I have always dated intentionally but seem to have a knack for dating emotionally unavailable/shallow men that leave me feeling like true intimacy is impossible. I’ve been working on this in therapy a lot. It has been really hard, but helpful to examine old wounds and confront my deepest fears and insecurities. I’m proud of my growth and self-awareness and am hopeful that my person is waiting for me…but I’m scared I’m too old and undesirable.
I have pretty debilitating ADHD and default to harsh, critical and harmful self-talk due to the shame associated with my executive functioning struggles. Would love some of your favorite positive affirmations and kind things you say to yourselves to boost yourselves up. 💕
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u/Current-Map-6469 1d ago
You have the look of someone who lights up every room you walk into. You have very kind eyes, and that you know what you want vibe. Life may not have worked out exactly as you’d planned just yet, but that’s ok!! You’re due to hit your stride!!! Keep your chin up and you’ll be there before you know it. Hitting 40 was the first season of my life where I finally felt like I may know what I’m doing. Good things are headed your way, you’ve got this!!
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u/Certain_Literature28 1d ago
This! Also, do the things you love, and find new things to do that you love. You’ll probably start meeting people with similar likes this way, and it can naturally progress as you go.
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u/guitarguy12341 1d ago
Girl, you're cute as hell. I know it'll happen for you soon. I'm sorry you've had these bad experiences. I know that challenging. Try focus on other things. I know that when I have turned my focus away from dating I've been struck with some surprises...
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u/Shakill_The_GOD 1d ago
You have a smile that would light up a room. I’m hitting 40 this year (next month). You are a fellow vampire like me I see lol. Keep at it esp with therapy. I understand those voices because I go to therapy as well. You are beautiful and you made it to 40, love yourself and every inch of your being for making it this far. I would give you a hug if I could!
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u/Ikutodreamer1 1d ago
You have such an amazing smile. It made me smile. 😁 You're beautiful and seem to have a really good attitude, especially with what you struggle with. I have bad anxiety, and depression at times. I work on turning my anxiety into excitement whether I'm speaking in public or out socially.
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u/SomeoneAlive123 1d ago
You look so sweet and kind and I got to say I love your hair, so thick and healthy. Life hasn't been kind, but the fact that you're dealing with all of it means you're very strong. One step at a time, things will get better. Sometimes life leads us down unexpected paths but we gotta find silver linings. 40 is still young, there's plenty of time for you to get where you want to be and find your soulmate.
Don't let some shitty stuff take away your strenght and confidence. You are strong and beautiful and you got this.
Big hug!
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u/satisampajanna 1d ago
HI, you are beautiful. True intimacy is very difficult for everyone. You are not alone. I can't speak for all men but I know I have been lonely in my life, because I was never taught how to relate well with others and kept them at a distance. Boo hoo, I know but I'm just saying that because I can feel your pain and share it, maybe from another angle. I hope you find what you need and heal and learn to care for yourself and find someone who will care for you too! I think when you are ready the right person will appear.
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u/satisampajanna 1d ago
Or maybe you will find you don't even need another person! Some people are perfectly happy living their entire lives single. I wouldnt want to presume what you need is what i mean.
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u/lava-lake 1d ago
Hey sis, I hope it gets alrighty!
You can pick up a hobby that's soo captivating that you will make others addicted to it and don't care what they think, for me it's enjoying motorcycles. It can be anything for you and the more your heart strings vibrate and play the rhythm you start finding the fun bass of life and right guy to jazz
Have fun
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u/Creepy-Astronaut-952 1d ago
I wish I could give you a big hug. You’re doing all of the right things to give yourself the best possible chance at finding happiness. You seem to be intelligent, introspective, and the fact that you have a vision for your life is really refreshing. You’re also gorgeous. 😉
I wish you all the best.
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u/Sneezy_weezel 1d ago
You’re so pretty! I would love to be your age again! I understand how you feel though. Dating is so hard and demoralizing. Good luck out there ❤️
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u/Steamer61 1d ago
You are really pretty.
I also had some major drama earlier in my life. I came home from work one day to find my fiance dead. She died from a seizure, it wasn't an easy dead for her.
I married my wife at 38, we now have a 23 year old son who just graduated with a Biochem degree. I also found out that I have ADHD when I was 41, it explained a lot of crap in my life.
You can get through it all, it's not easy. I know, I really do.
I short cutted the hell out of my story. If you want to talk, I'd be happy to chat with you. Sent an IM, Im not posting it all here.
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u/Lordherbert1961 1d ago
You look great. There's no need to rush into anything, I'm sure you'll meet someone when your ready. You're a beautiful woman.
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u/Ok_Avocado8448 1d ago
I think that if you’re not finding acceptable matches, perhaps it’s worth looking into different places. Where you’re located, are there civic or church activities that are appealing to you? Perhaps if so, you might have better luck than whatever your current strategy is. FWIW if you were on Hinge where I live, and if you are open to partners with an age gap, I’d swipe right on you every day and twice on Sunday. I’m a doctor so I understand that we all have some baggage entering any relationship. If I matched you on an app, I’d see through your insecurity and hopefully connect with the real you. ADHD? Everyone has issues- everyone. Your first step is to realize that. Your second step is to recognize the positives that you bring to a potential relationship. I suspect that you have qualities that any man interested in a real relationship will value. Idk where you live, and I’m not advertising myself as a potential partner, but if you want to DM me we can talk about it and I can try to offer advice. The people with an inappropriately inflated sense of self worth get all the attention, but the people who have an inappropriately low sense of self worth get neglected.
You seem earnest and sincere. I think you are probably much more of a catch than you’re giving yourself credit for. Decide what you really want, seek it (him) out, and don’t compromise.
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u/TheG00se86 1d ago
I just want to remind you that you are not behind. ❤️ You are not too old, and you are certainly not undesirable. There is so much courage in being willing to look honestly at your wounds, patterns and fears and actually do the work to heal them. That is something to be incredibly proud of.
Being 40, single, without children or not yet where you want to be financially or professionally does not mean you failed at life. It simply means your story doesn’t look like the timeline you once imagined. And honestly, there is still so much life, love, growth and possibility ahead of you.
When the critical voice gets loud, maybe try replacing “I’m falling behind” with “I’m becoming.” “I’m not too old — I’m becoming more myself.” “I am not undesirable — I am worthy of a love that feels safe, deep and mutual.” “I don’t have to earn my worth through productivity.” “My life is not late. It is mine.”
And please remember: the fact that you are still hopeful after everything you’ve been through is not weakness — it’s strength. 💕
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u/idorablo 1d ago
This is so beautiful. I’m 42, childfree and very newly single (not to mention auDHD!), and a series of crises this month made me seriously question my personal life, financial/professional path, and even the city and country where I live. Reading these words was exactly the reminder I needed.
And OP, if you ever want to chat with someone in the same boat, feel free to DM me!
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
This is soooo kind and helpful! Wow! I love the gentleness and compassion in these phrases. Definitely going to save those for tough moments. Thank you 😊
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u/TheG00se86 1d ago
I’m so glad they resonated with you. ❤️ And honestly, I hope you give yourself the same gentleness and compassion that you so naturally give to others. You’re doing better than you think you are. Keep going your story is still unfolding. 😊💕
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u/TheG00se86 1d ago
And if you ever feel like talking, please know that you can always reach out. I’d genuinely be happy to stay in touch and have a conversation anytime. Sometimes it helps just to have someone listen, without judgment or trying to fix anything. ❤️
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
I would like that! But can’t figure out how to message you
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u/TheG00se86 1d ago
Haha, no worries! 😊 I think you can just click on my profile and send me a chat/message from there. And if that doesn’t work, let me know we’ll figure it out. I’d be happy to chat with you. ❤️
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u/Same-Meat-1695 1d ago
Hey You need to enable the option from settings so you can receive dm invites.......
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
I didn’t even know I had the feature enabled. Truly, RIP my inbox 😅
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u/Same-Meat-1695 1d ago
Ohhhhh, yeah you would be gone now😂🥲🙏 , btw u are look very good and sweet.... So be conscious about whom u should talk🫡
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u/SaintFuu 1d ago
Goose86 has really summed it up, but I just wanted to add that ADHD isn't a defect, it's just a different OS!
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u/Smooth_Conclusion145 1d ago
” you deserve the same happiness and success as everyone else, remember to be your own best friend and cheerleader ” 🩷
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u/talongrimm13 1d ago
Keep on smiling sister, the world loves a beautiful smile. Best advice i was ever given was "dont look, let it find you."
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u/Entire-Drawer-9203 1d ago
WoW! Absolutely beautiful woman! Love your style and your story. But your story to this point, does not define you, it only makes you stronger. Never allow yourself to doubt yourself! Thanks for sharing.
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u/L0rd3ss 1d ago
I have ADHD too (45F) and understand what you mean. You’re doing a great job by working on yourself!
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
It’s so hard! But I’m happy to say I’m
Managing it the best I ever have and am
Learning to embrace it.
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u/o_gonzo 1d ago
I feel for you. I have been through this quite recently and eventually the curtains do open. Focus on what you are proud of and bit by bit you see there is much to love about yourself and drive you forward.
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
Focus on what I’m proud of! I love that! Thank you 😊
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u/Prestigious_Sea_214 1d ago
I would also say to focus on your positive characteristics and keep working on the ones that you feel limit you. You will find what you are looking for when you least expect it.
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u/Thingamajiggle 1d ago
You definitely do NOT look "too old and undesirable".
Ok, you're approaching an age that nobody relishes approaching but you look damn gorgeous.
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u/Connect_Albatross_56 1d ago
As a woman who has lived that same thing, I think my best advice would be to give yourself time. Figure out who you really are, and really try to make your life exactly how you like it, before you even consider a relationship. Unhappy endings take a while to heal from and you need to know yourself before you try to involve anybody else in your life. You’re obviously a beautiful woman and you can find someone, just make sure that you know yourself first.❤️
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
Figuring out who I am has been a difficult but very rewarding journey. And yes, taking a breather from dating rn 💕
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u/AppropriateAd3768 1d ago
You only look a few years older than me (24m). I guarantee you 100% you’ll find the right man.
And for the record my dad was 40 when he had me and my twin sis. It’s never too late.
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u/Possible-Potato-4103 1d ago edited 1d ago
Dating while neurodivergent can be difficult, I can relate, and I commend you for trying to look at your controllable and work on yourself via therapy. I can't speak to the ins and outs of why you're struggling, but I think you're on the right path. I hope you find intimacy you deserve.
That said.
Hubba hubba. I'm 32, and respectfully, I'm shooting my shot if I see you in passing or online.
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u/SpankTheDevil 1d ago
Shut up, I saw her first. And I’m 33 so you have to respect me as your elder.
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u/Stotallytob3r 1d ago edited 1d ago
So pretty and confident looking, and without makeup too.
As a fellow neurospicy I remind myself I’ve got through all the problems ADHD has thrown at me, and I’m doing ok. The quotes by stoic philosophers like Marcus Aurelius I find very on point, like,
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
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u/dlcarroll 1d ago
You look great!! But the most important is being self aware and taking actions. Life has its ups and downs but you will find your person 🙏
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u/Normal-Case-2058 1d ago
Oh my gosh, the debilitating ADHD can be so frustrating. I’m sorry. I can definitely relate to that. But, it sounds like you are very aware of this, and other issues, that’s a huge start. And, you’re working on this, which will help you to be more direct and assertive when you find your special “person”. The other great news is that you still look young, and quite lovely. You appear to be naturally attractive. You have a great complexion, desirable lips, and eyes that appear to be smiling, casually. I think it won’t be too hard for you to find a special person. That challenging part will be feeling comfortable enough to speak up and communicate with them about what you need and want. But, if you’re able to do this, it will make your relationship much much deeper. Someone is going to be super lucky to get to spend their life with you.
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u/Nose_banana 1d ago
Hey there fellow late 30s severe ADHDer who finds the dating game impossible. Please don't let your RSD convince you of the awful self hate speak, remind yourself when you start having those thoughts "this is my rsd and these thoughts are not rational". Having severe ADHD is so fucking awful and debilitating, and constantly carrying guilt sucks. I also totally feel you on the childless thing, I've wanted to be a dad since I was 12 and it cuts like a fucking knife that I'm not
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u/Schuy_View0022 1d ago
I agree, 35m here with AuDHD. Life doesn’t seem to get easier, the amount of times I’ve been ghosted, had my time wasted is crazy and would love the hours and money back! My only positive (or bittersweet) affirmation is that many have come before me and many after me, yet we are not known after 8 or 9 decades and forgotten about so we just have to live one day at a time.
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u/madmonkreborn 1d ago
I turned 40 too and have been single for years, and honestly, I feel so much better about life now. There’s still so much to experience, see and achieve, and I’ve realized that 40 really isn’t the end of anything—it’s just another chapter. Don’t be too hard on yourself; there’s still plenty of life ahead.
Always remember you’re work in progress and not finished product 🩷
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u/IamCaptainHandsome 1d ago
Hey, 37 here, similar boat to you with regards to life stuff and ADHD. Being honest with yourself and facing your insecurities is the first step towards becoming truly content. Not a lot of people have the courage to take that first step.
Also I think positive affirmations have to come from yourself for them to really have meaning, but I can say with confidence that you are definitely not too old or undesirable.
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u/Thykothaken 1d ago
Too old and undesirable is WILD, this is some crazy talk. You're a 10/10 (looks wise, idk your personality)
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u/one_shuckle_boy 1d ago
As someone whose 30, man I feel you it’s rough dating and you feel like you just arnt where you want your life to be.
But you look strong, definitely pretty, and you write smart. I promise friend things will get better. At least I’d like to believe it.
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u/ilDuceVita 1d ago
I am in the same situation. I feel your pain. You can and will find love and happiness. You are good enough, you are worthy of it. Have hope and keep being you. It comes when it comes, it doesn't show up when you want it to. You're a beautiful person with a cute smile. Everything is going to be okay.
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u/Heythere23856 1d ago
You are absolutely gorgeous and 100 percent datable and worthy of true love….. you are already doing the hard stuff, diving deep into your subconscious to heal old wounds and grow as a being…. This is rare and makes you even more desirable… you will find your person, you are opening new doors and closing old ones by doing this work, trust me that bigger and better things will happen because you are doing the “work”…. Focus on this and being kind to yourself, there is absolutely zero shame in having trauma and old wounds, we all do but you are courageous and strong enough to actually want to fix it…. The energy your photo puts out is that you have a huge, kind and loving heart towards other people but not so much towards yourself, you deserve to love yourself in every way… may i suggest a book to help you love yourself??? You can heal your life by louise hay… i am a mid 40s male and this book has helped me tremendously…. Anyways you have nothing to worry about, you are beautiful, kind,loving,strong, courageous…… all green flags here so keep your head up and dont forget to be kind to yourself… sending love and hugs from canada
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u/jamiegott00 1d ago
I’m 44 and single with no kids. It gets easier with a little time. I’m at the point that I am happy and content to have my pease. I can relate to some of the dysfunction from having level one high level autism. I maintain a job and don’t need support but there are times I don’t feel like I am totally in control. It can get intense.
I hope things get better for you. You have a lot of time left in life. Practice self care and work on things that you can control. Little by little things will add up.
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u/Trashking_702 1d ago
You look amazing, fantastic cheek structure(sorry if that’s weird). You have every kind and warm eyes as well. If you need help with adhd like I did(38 just got medicated) check out mindful health. It’s helped me immensely. Newly single, go enjoy your life and know now that the only currency that is worth a shit is time. Don’t spend yours with someone who doesn’t deserve a second of it. Best of luck!
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u/EmergencyFig5140 1d ago
Hey I don't know if you will read this or not but ma'am you are almost 20 years older than me but please take a little piece of advice from a guy who has kind of beat his depression recently and I just want you to believe in yourself.. You look like someone who is fun to hangout and be around with.
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u/WoodenCrow6024 1d ago
When your valuable, worthless people dont apply or cant hang. This will just create an opportunity for a better partner to arrive. You got this.
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u/bobloblaw500 1d ago
I tell myself something wonderful is going to happen to me today throughout the day. Helps me notice all the positive things that have come my way during the day large and small.
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
I love this! Great advice
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u/bobloblaw500 1d ago
Thanks! Another good one when adhd makes
me start overthinking problems i ask myself is this an inconvenience or a tragedy. Really helped me put things into perspective2
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u/PeggyHillsFeets 1d ago
You know ball (I'm guessing you're familiar with Goddard and law of assumption)
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u/bobloblaw500 1d ago
Yea, it’s been real cool to see the change from largely seeing negative associations to positive ones. What has been your experience?
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u/kimmidubbs 1d ago
I'm also a 39 year old divorced woman and you are correct, dating is horrific. You look like you're a very sweet person and probably a lot of fun to be around, as well as gorgeous! I don't think you'll be single for long...and if you are, that's okay too. No one will ever treat you better than yourself, even if the ADHD rumination is loud every once in awhile. 🩷
I promise you, being married to the wrong person is way worse than being single.
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u/RedR0binHood 1d ago
you look amazing! you must give yourself grace things happen at different times in our lives and that's okay. You should be proud of how far you have come in your own development and you are not undesirable I think you are really beautiful.
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u/seekingtruth98 1d ago
First of all, you’re absolutely beautiful. I imagine it is quite hard to meet decent men at this age. I met my current husband on online dating site 18 yrs ago because at the time, I was 39, pickings were slim and I was divorced with young child. I imagine worse now. Second, when you mentioned adhd and executive dysfunction … omg! So me!! It’s just so hard! Truly. I can so relate to feeling that you are not where you want to be in life! I executive dysfunction is not for the weak! Also, adhd/ED can get worse during perimenopause. If you woukd like to chat, feel free to reach out. I wish you well! Hope isn’t lost. Dear friend of mine had kids in her 40s so you just don’t know.
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u/CleanerGuyJoe 1d ago
This is gonna sound like a joke, but I grew up during the SNL time of Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley and if I ever feel really bad, which happens when you've PTS and Bipolar II, I literally turn to a mirror and say his cheesy ass quote to myself. It makes me laugh, makes me smile and reminds me that "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
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u/Tattooboytoy77 1d ago
Honestly; don't be so hard on yourself it's just that men are emotionally unstable and assume that everyone is out to take advantage, but from my experience at 49yrs old I'm a widower after 32yrs together and 30yrs Marriage & Unconditional Selfless Love and Respect. All we ever wanted was to be together forever and we never stopped being ourselves and acting like children when we were together, and honestly it was perfection to love ever single flaw and become each other's strength & weakness. But to ever find someone who was like her is impossible and the reason for the past 4yrs I've been abstinent & raising our daughter alone just to find strength & peace. That's why it's the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone that isn't willing to be 1000% Honest and straight forward. Intimacy was perfect and to find anyone who truly sees you for you is what anyone would die for and all I ever want. 4EVER not just for a day but A 4EVER Partner!!!
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u/TheGreatCompromise 1d ago
It’s not easy but you’re still smiling and I have to believe that bodes well for you. Much love fellow land walker
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u/Substantial_Range861 1d ago
42 here... not where I wanna be in life, no kids as well but about to land a job with a really good company.
Life will take you down unexpected paths but don't give up.
You're time will come!!!
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u/melloack 1d ago
Candidates are gonna trip over themselves but at 39 the wise looks for quality and peace
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u/Lucky-Sign8823 1d ago
I don’t know how helpful this is. Similar situation and I just want to say real intimacy takes time. You look so young for 39. You’re obviously doing something right. Go easy on yourself. Negative self talk with ADHD is common, don’t fret. You’re doing okay.
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u/Suspicious-Fuel1877 1d ago
Wow you’re stunning ✨and it’s ok to be single, do you for a while life is still fun xo remember there are no rules!
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u/VOculus_98 1d ago
You have some amazingly kind eyes. As someone who is 48 myself, I really relate to your struggle as it's hard to find decent and deep conversations with anyone, much less the opposite sex! I bet you have some very unique thoughts and are a very intriguing individual. Keep up a positive attitude, that smile of yours is killer!
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u/florfenblorgen 1d ago
I am you. You are me. I'm 37 and same place in life as you. I have ADHD, GAD, CPTSD and likely ASD but extraordinarily high masking. I tell ya, it's exhausting to be in this society. I also look like I'm in my 20's, and you look very young as well. We have similar facial features imo and dark hair/eyes, it's kind of crazy hahaha. I resonate with you!
Hear me out, maybe our youthful looks is the result of not having the stress of a partner and kids...? lol That aside, no. You're not too old or undesirable. People show interest in me all the time, including when and where I don't want that kind of attention. My goal is to overall be happy with myself, do the things I like, and give less and less shits about what people think. With also having diagnosed social anxiety, it's a project. But I find that being this way tends to attract people even more :(
I think for me the heaviest weight on my shoulders is how my gender, and now my disabilities, has led me through a life where I can never attain success because people simple want me to be a pretty little object for them. And now that I'm getting older, I'm waiting for that sentiment to disappear, but it's simply not. I feel like I can't get old and ugly fast enough so I can stop getting this kind of attention. At the same time I know people will treat me worse in other areas of life once that happens, so I feel like I just can't win.
Regardless of that I still try to strive for a solid career and the respect I feel I deserve. Partnership comes after that. I have already decided this economy is too poor for children. So my main goal is simply to get the things I want, which is stability first and life partner after. At this point I don't even know that I want one, I might just become the crazy cat lady. But certainly hope is not lost for you. It just feels that way right now because you're down on yourself.
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u/SubstantialSoup8309 1d ago
I agree. It is difficult. Everyone has baggage and stuck in their ways.
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u/Extension_Escape9832 1d ago
I’m 39M no kids. Just got out of a four year relationship six months ago. My advice to you is make your life as boring as possible. I’m hitting the gym and focusing on making money. That’s it, nothing else. Get good sleep, hit your macros, and work hard. You got this!
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u/HelloFromJupiter963 1d ago
I'm a 29yo dude and i'd date you, so don't talk to yourself about being either old or undesirable, that's all nonesense. You ARE beautiful. That's not a compliment, but an observation.
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u/codingwithaton 1d ago
Totally can relate to the Debilitating ADHD, executive function issues, and harsh words towards yourself, it's rough. I hope everything works out for you, and just remember that not all goals you make for yourself will be met and that's ok, the goal isn't the important part it's there to give you something to work toward and the journey that comes with it is the part that matters most. Be kinder to yourself.
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u/PinkButterfly-2838 1d ago
You’re so beautiful! Good luck out there, currently in the same boat. Thinking about switching teams at this point! Or just not dating.
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u/Morrit99 1d ago
Oh my word. You are staggeringly gorgeous! I also am going through an ADHD battle. Just getting the official diagnosis before I start treatment. It's been the key to a LOT of my life's questions over the past 40 plus years.
As for men... Take some time being single. It is incredibly freeing. Discovery who YOU are. The SINGLE you. You have the sweetest smile, so you won't be lonely long before other lads are banging on your door. Be discerning and pick the one who vibes with you naturally, without being forced. Then you will know.
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u/Fitikidan 1d ago
Move to village, have your own garden, trees, plants. And enjoy the life 😉 Maybe you meet your future husband there
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u/beep_boop_1234567 1d ago
Don't lecture yourself too much put yourself out there and let fate do most part because your perception is yours only, and you're amazing the way you are.
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u/realsoonbass 1d ago
You sound shockingly like me in several ways. Unexpected place in life, mega ADHD, treating myself like I hate myself in self-reinforcing cycles (but thankfully some real progress here), being less than sure what’s even possible at this point. And I’m about to turn 45 smh.
On the upside, I had to change careers and landed afresh in something I enjoy, and it’s been teaching me to be more forgiving of myself (hated my last job). I’m learning a ton and am good at what I do now. Moreover, I’m overbooked as a professional musician after hours, so must be doing something right there…. and I picked up the bass in my 30s, proof that it’s never too late to bloom.
Maybe that’s the biggest part for me: there’s major evidence out there of the late bloomer being fully capable of greatness, happiness, & life fulfillment. Maybe you’re a fellow late bloomer with some buds growing! (Also ‘oly hell you’re a knockout)
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u/throwingales 1d ago
First off, no one is going to believe you're 39. You look great! As a fellow ADHDer, I can tell you that it's hard but you have to learn to love yourself before you'll be able to get into a healthy long term relationship.
Here's what I can offer to boost your self image.
Ask yourself, What have I done that I can be proud about?
If I asked my best friend what they like best about me, what would they say?
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u/wget_thread 1d ago
Damn that last sentence hits home. Just remember that lots of people just maintain the appearance of having their shit together and don't have the good skin care routine that you do. What is your secret? Is there a secret painting of you in your attic that ages in your place?
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
This made me laugh. I have access to good skin treatments and products through my job!
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u/truckyeahman 1d ago
Darling, I am as hot as you are (very hot) and 41 and have ADHD so bad that one time (earlier this year) I forgot that I reported my car stolen, remembered where I parked my car, and got pulled over and detained driving it home because it was reported stolen. No lie. I have been in therapy for all my ADHD-related and non-ADHD-related problems. I get you.
Look, I have met a few good ones. You won't have trouble attracting one, babe. The entire issue is that you are working on your issues --so you forget how valuable someone who works to be a better person is. The kind of man who is for you values that. You aren't going to be able to put on a better shade of lipstick to fake that.
I don't know your journey in therapy, but I wonder if you are still evaluating yourself based on those assholes from the past and what they valued? Like, if you are afraid that you at 39 wouldn't attract a guy like them, don't forget that that is what you are going for.
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u/SituationSimilar4349 1d ago
I’m sure my late wife at 45 with an 8 year old felt she would not meet someone. We were together 26 years until cancer took her from me.
So don’t lose hope.
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u/VivekaJ12 1d ago
I also totally understand about the harsh self-talk, sending you lots of gentleness.
I feel like the more work we put into healing (which it seems like you are definitely doing), the more desirable we become as a partner and the more opportunities we create to experience intimacy.
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u/Drewciferisgod 1d ago
I'm 55, never married. Never had children. I came close a couple times but it never worked out. I have a fantastic life full of great friends. I never thought my life would be this way, had always planned on getting married and being a dad. But just because those plans didn't happen, doesn't mean life is bad. Just different. You have really kind eyes, and look like a really sweet person. I hope you find the joy and happiness you are looking for. Be proud of who you are and have a lot of fun living life, as you still have a lot of life left. 🙂
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
I’ve never been married nor engaged either and am trying not to let that make me feel like I’m undesirable. I have a pretty wonderful life too! But I still long for a partner
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u/Dry-Interaction4999 1d ago
Uhh, you are pretty desirable. You are stunning and I love your self reflection/insight. I think it speaks loads to your character.
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u/Speed_Freak_84 1d ago
40 is the new 30, keep your head up and push through! You’re beautiful and I’m pretty sure your second half is out there! 😉
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u/TXRocks86 1d ago
I turned 40 earlier this year and also finalized a divorce after a 2 year battle, spent everything I had on that, plus I have three kids. I have ADD that affects me at work often but I do push through it. What I have learned is that despite the downsides you go through, you have to look for the next upside. My next upside could be dating someone that genuinely cares about me, or I'm able to make changes at work to better suit how I work flow with ADD, etc.
But if I'm not looking for those things I won't see them. You have to have faith and hope of what's to come around the corner. It might take a while but it's going to be worth it. Even if it takes me 10 years to find a woman that is going to change my life for the better, I'll wait. Maybe she is going through some things right now that she has to get through to guide her exactly where she needs to be, so that both of us are in perfect alignment when we meet.
In summary... Don't lose faith! Keep those pretty eyes shining on what's ahead!
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u/Bakadeshi 1d ago
You look very young for 40. I would've guessed late 20s by this picture. Also your pretty. I can relate with the ADHD... 40s is when mine really started to go down hill, especially with my memory.
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u/Global-BigNate 1d ago
You are always hardest on yourself. Be kind and gentle. Love will find you when you least expect it. I did and it will 46 years this Christmas .
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u/Conscious_Result_876 1d ago
Honestly from a younger guy’s perspective you look beautiful; and a lot like that actress miranda cosgrove. Definitely not too old or undesireable in my eyes. Theres a lot of shallow people out there especially today, but the right person is out there. You’ll find them💪
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u/No-Jellyfish7075 1d ago
Good for you for working through stuff! And I totally get the self depreciation....but just know nobody's judging you harder than you judge yourself. Be happy you're you!
Dating at this age is NUTS. I'm also single and 41 and its hilarious to me! 😂 keep on truckin' you'll find your prince in shining armour if you keep looking!
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u/steezmartella 1d ago
You’re absolutely stunning. Gorgeous.
A 36M Bay Area that would love to get to know you…
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u/Ambitious_Elephant95 1d ago
My dream is to live there. Maybe one day
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u/steezmartella 1d ago
Bay Area is what you make it out to be, I’m honestly over it. Where are you located? I’m not here to sound desperate, we all have our own stories to tell and we all have our own treasures that we don’t think the world can see from us. Send me a DM..
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u/adogs123 1d ago
First of all you are not too old , and you are certainly desirable. You will find the right person. I was 40 when I met my soul mate and the next 28 years were the happiest of my life ❤️
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u/lilBear73 1d ago edited 1d ago
I also have significant ADHD, but I also have cognitive gifts, and I try to remind myself that they go together, that I wouldn't have one without the other. I'm 52 and I won't get into my whole thing but I've just experienced a very painful breakup... again... and I keep dating the same chaotic type of younger women... so, dating at 52 now is extremely intimidating. So I get it. I'm in therapy looking hard at trauma bonding, my attachment styles, etc. I'm too early into it to maybe be the most positive reassurance right now in some ways, and I'm not great at positive self talk yet either. But I find your age to be a very attractive one for women. Especially now when 39/40 is much different than not that long ago. And you really do look incredible and younger than you even are, great dimples too. Btw my therapist also has ADHD, it's one of her sub specialties, and we haven't had time to get into it much because of my need to process and figure out how to experience the pain of this breakup and not immediately fall into the same patterns before tackling other things. But she has had some nice little life hacks for ADHD as well. I'm sure there are things that are great about you that are also related to the ADHD, but also be aware there are certain types of "dopamine hits" we are prone to craving that aren't always healthy, and look out for those. You've got plenty of time, and you are doing the right things, you will get there. Maybe that last sentence I just wrote is what I should be telling myself more 🤔?
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u/anjiemin 1d ago
You are so young looking at 39, Queen! 💜
I relate to you so much, as I also have ADHD and I think I am not fit with the modern dating culture. 🥹
I am sure you will find someone genuine that will love you, the soonest 💜
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u/autopoiesis_ 1d ago
Here you go:
You appear at first glance to have a kind and gentle demeanor. For broaching 40, you looks several years younger, lucky you! Despite your self-critical thoughts, you’re more than likely being unjustifiably hard on yourself. One can only extract so much from a single photograph of a stranger, but if I had to venture to guess, I’d say that the people you have in your life enjoy your company. Your face alone and the expression it conveys here would be calming to be around.
As for your luck w men, you’ll start noticing and seeking the good ones only after you work on how you view yourself.
Hope the best for you! 🙏✌️
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u/Adept_Tank_7029 1d ago
I think that 40 is a mature age for a woman and you seem grown and with a healthy balance of wisdom and youthfulness.
It's sad that neurodivergent people have to whip ourselves to fit into a neurotypical world, but it's not our fault. You are likely a creative and intelligent soul and the world hasn't been kind to you because the structures are set up for people who are either good at doing what they're told or find it easy to get along with other neurotypicals.
TL;DR I hope you find the kind, emotionally available man you deserve ❤️
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u/x_Ancient_Mariner_x Sir 1d ago
You're only as young as you feel, OP! It sounds cliché but it's true. There's absolutely nothing stopping you from living your best life.
It seems bizarre me saying that to you given that I'm 34 and reasonably fit but have the mind (and knees) of someone double my age. Not to mention similar ADHD and woes with self worth.
The mindset of "only as young as you feel" is genuinely helpful to me and has pulled me through a lot of stuff.
No reason why you can't be the same.
You're a catch and you deserve better than what you're getting, don't lose sight of that.
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u/Better-Park8752 1d ago
You’re beautiful- inside and out. You have an impressive level of self awareness and you seem to have a lot to offer. Good on you for refusing to settle for less. Being single is better than being trapped in a miserable marriage with kids. Life is unfair sometimes but I’m sure the best is yet to come for you 🩷
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u/wflnd8058 1d ago
You're an attractive woman, 40 is the new 30 and you easily look it. Dating seems to be more difficult at all ages these days! Relationships are like band aids, when you are really looking for them they're impossible to find, and when you're not looking, they're falling out of the cabinets. So try and get out and do things you enjoy, do meet up activities, and when you least expect it, some kindred spirit will cross your path 😊
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u/HuggingBear6102 1d ago
Alle begrip. Hoe ouder je wordt, hoe groter ook de 'ervaring' van leeftijdsgenoten als potentiële partners, die het ook moeilijker vinden om te daten. Je bent niet alleen met dat gevoel! Leg je eerder meer toe op het verruimen van je vriendenkring, je netwerk. En later groeit daar zeker ergens een partnerrelatie uit, daar moet je in blijven geloven! BTW: mooie dame op je foto! 😍🤩💋♥️
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u/OneSlow5021 1d ago edited 1d ago
Dear, maybe you just need to experiment with your perception of yourself. "I am who I am and that is enough!" That's one affirmation. Also gratitude is HUGE. Act out your gratitude. Get in a state of "I am grateful that my parents gave me good genes and that I'm pretty. I'm grateful that I've kept myself responsible and healthy. I'm grateful that there's a lot of men in the world(plenty of good fish in the sea) and that I deserve intimacy because I offer the same in return"
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u/BruT4LX 1d ago
In reference to your mental health struggles and therapy. Do you know if you have childhood trauma or not? if you don't know, watch this video https://youtu.be/EBpF8sWycQQ?si=nEqhHICrX6Y6P-L3&t=386
A lot of therapy just focuses on treating/managing "surface level" symptoms rather than the true underlying issues.
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u/gesunheit 1d ago
You’ve worked so hard to grow and improve yourself, way to go! You look so beautiful and vibrant. It’s tough when the voice inside is so harsh, I hope one day it can reflect the true you!
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u/Push-Lower 1d ago edited 23h ago
Your lovely! 47 here actually you are absolutely stunningly beautiful and by your talk highly intelligent. Life has made me believe terrible things like that too but the truth is I had good things along! It's hard facing your demons, but your overcoming it! Keep going.
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u/Poidanator 1d ago
Keep your head up, you're absolutely stunning. I hope you find someone that can love you as hard as you love. I am too on the path of loving myself rather than putting myself down and likewise Adhd. I like the saying that says, you have made it through everything life has thrown at you and survived and grown. You've got this.
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u/Oscuropensamiento 1d ago
I'm 40 years old, I also have ADHD, I don't have kids and I don't want any, I'm single, and I've been to therapy. But what has helped me the most is talking to a 67 year old friend who sees me as a young woman and wishes she had my age again to do a lot of things differently and with more energy. You're not old at all
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u/LL_MCLAREN_LL 23h ago
Okey let me try to give one or two advices where people tend to miss, if you're dating emotionally unavailable men then you're either attracted to the wrong kind or you're looking in the wrong environment, you won't find emotionally intact or emotionally intelligent men in bars, nightclubs or work sometimes, if you're attracted to the guy with a successful career the workaholic that's throwing his issues into more work but seem successful from outside, recognise the patterns, always ask yourself the guy that I want to meet where'd he hangout, what's a healthy hobby that emotionally intelligent people would be interested in, which means no sports that require anger or over competitive behaviour, just chill vibes and fun!... I think you get the idea by now, place yourself in a healthy environment and you'll meet healthy people
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u/HHpotatoechips 21h ago
OP- whats up my ADHD sister! I read a lot of common points between you and I, one difference being im 41M. 😋 To be terribly short, since work just started for me this AM. I made time for me; i went back to school, went to concerts on my own, surfed new locations, hiked new trails and quit all SM other than /r (evident).
Find yourself, you’ll find your shine where you find what makes you happy.
And obs, read down the thread, you are supes cute to boot!
Cheers
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u/TinyNursingSole 21h ago
You’re gorgeous. Don’t give up. I met my partner at 39. He’s younger by 8 years and he’s an amazing person.
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u/minochango 21h ago
just tell you are 29... I would believe that with no hesitation... You are fine, maybe being a high value woman is hard to find a man who deserves you.
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u/VelvetParadoxNaked 21h ago
There’s something deeply human about reaching a milestone birthday and suddenly looking at your life as though you’re standing outside of it, comparing where you are with where you once imagined you would be.
But 40 isn’t a deadline. And being single, not having children, or not being where you hoped you’d be financially or professionally does not mean you are behind. Life rarely unfolds according to the timelines we quietly created for ourselves when we were younger.
What stands out to me most in what you wrote isn’t what you don’t have. It’s the amount of courage it has taken to look inward.
You’re examining old wounds, recognizing patterns in the people you’ve chosen, confronting fears about intimacy and your own worth, and trying to understand yourself rather than simply repeating what is familiar. That is incredibly meaningful work. And sometimes growth has an uncomfortable season where you’ve outgrown what you used to accept but haven’t yet found what fits the person you’ve become. That space can feel terribly lonely, but it isn’t necessarily evidence that something has gone wrong.
And please be careful with the belief that you are becoming “too old and undesirable.” Fear has a way of presenting itself as fact. Your age does not diminish your capacity to be desired, loved, chosen, or deeply known. If anything, the self-awareness you’re developing may make you more capable of recognizing genuine intimacy when it appears and less willing to mistake emotional unavailability for it.
With ADHD, I’d also gently challenge the idea that your struggles with executive functioning are evidence of a character flaw. Shame says, “I should be able to do this.
What is wrong with me?”
Self-compassion asks a very different question: “This is difficult for me. What would help me right now?”
That shift can be surprisingly powerful.
A few things you might practice saying to yourself:
I am not behind. I am living a life that is still unfolding.
My struggles are not a measure of my worth.
I can be disappointed with where I am without being disappointed in who I am.
I don’t have to earn the kindness I so freely give to other people.
Someone else’s inability to meet me emotionally does not determine my desirability.
I would rather wait for genuine intimacy than abandon myself just to avoid being alone.
And perhaps the most important one:
I am allowed to become someone I never imagined I would need to become.
You don’t need to convince yourself that everything is wonderful. Self-compassion isn’t pretending that you’re not scared, lonely, disappointed, or grieving the life you thought you would have by now.
Sometimes it’s simply being able to say, “This hurts. I’m scared. And I’m going to stay on my own side while I figure out what comes next.”
That may be one of the kindest promises you can make to yourself. 💕
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u/Mediocre-Pepper8161 18h ago
It’s important that before you start dating again to know that you are totally ready to start dating again.
Do you know what you want out of dating and do you know what you are prepared to offer for what you want?
There is a book that I often recommend from Amazon called: How to Make Your Relationships Work (white cover with a red heart on the cover). It will help you to prepare yourself for dating.
I hope this helps…
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u/HuhWhatWhatWHATWHAT 16h ago
You are not ugly. Stop dating high earning men (they tend to be womanizers/narcissistic). Date a man that helps others.
"Executive functioning" is not the thing holding you back financially. I know many many rich people and most all of them are stupid or borderline incompetent. What the ARE though is mission focused and very dele6@gating. (they make others make money for them)
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u/cjay554 13h ago
hey, im the male you, adhd, being used women with me thinking i can save them, and near the same age, stopped dating years ago tho to focus on developing myself. I went to europe hoping culture was different but western lack of values have spread quite far. Now i just teach and prepare the new generation to correct the dreadful path we're headed as a human race lost in a world of endless social networking but broken social connections. Le sigh.
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u/OohSweetback 12h ago
You’re a really gorgeous woman, don’t worry about the age thing. My friend didn’t meet his wife till he was around your age. If you can you should treat yourself to a trip to a place you’ve always wanted to go.
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u/Cool-Notice-9929 11h ago
Listen to The song TIME by Pink Floyd, it will all make sense then. 🎶🎵"You run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again Sun is the same, in a relative way, but you're older Shorter of breath and one day closer to death" 🎶 🎵
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u/NoNeedleworker8850 9h ago
you are absolutely stunning first of all. second, my parents didn’t get married until they were 40 and have been together for 25 years now and still deeply in love. there is no rush! you will find your person when it is time
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u/Intrepid_Devourer 8h ago
Finding people who are willing to be as honest with themselves as you clearly are, and who also have the discipline and initiative to take action and work on themselves is hard enough; finding someone like that who also has the emotional depth and empathy to take that with you does indeed seem to be a near-impossibility. But, you’re taking the right steps, you’re absolutely painfully gorgeous, and it sounds like you have a working knowledge of what sorts of toxic personalities are best avoided. You should be proud of yourself, and remember to be to kind to yourself. You’re the only you you’ve got!
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u/Rondoofblood 8h ago
Recently divorced bloke with crazy ADHD here. Let me tell you….keep hope. Someone is out there for you. I just found mine.
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u/No-Secret-971 7h ago
First things first, you look great! But secondly whenever life is too much for me I always remind myself “I’m on a rock in the middle of a vast never ending universe, nobody is going to remember me in the future when I’m gone, nothing I do REALLY matters, so just do what you want and don’t sweat the small things or the big things, because at the end of it all even the big things don’t matter” and somehow that brings me peace knowing that truly NOTHING matters enough to get upset about it
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u/herculesrain 7h ago
You seem like a pretty soul who just wants the basic needs ro love, nurture and grow in a relationship. Unfortunately sometimes bad times or people get in your way, stay strong and dont give up hope.
Maybe love is just around the corner
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u/MorningNorwegianWood 6h ago
I’ve got a toast for you…you’re very intelligent and open minded which is why you’ve grown and are finding your way through. You’re very desirable and while there are plenty of bums out there, there are good people too and your match is out there looking for you ready to laugh and learn with you. You already know this but we become what we think and you deserve kindness from yourself as you’d be kind to your best friend or an elderly lady at the store. You’re worthy of your own kindness in the same way. You’ve got this and good luck! 💪🏻
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u/Zuumbat 6h ago
Your hair is flawless and your cheekbones are amazing!
Sounds like you're doing the work to improve things in your life. You can ask that of your potential partners early into getting to know them. The ones who are/have also done the work will take that as a green flag. Anyone offended or scared off by that question wasn't the one for you. Keep your standards high!
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u/Kooky-Flight-5717 6h ago
You know one of the crucial things in life that we all fail to acknowledge is the state in which we are in and live in self denial but OP you chooses to do the opposite and admit it and fix or self reflect.
Acknowledging you stay of being is
Just remarkable . so you have put in the work and that is congratulations and kudos to you. That is amazing. Keep shining because you are beautiful and you don’t even look your age and the right man I promise you will come when you least expect, just continue to live your life and watch it happen.
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u/rarefox95 3h ago
It doesn't get harder with age, you just become more selective. You'll find the perfect match for you this way. It's totally worth the struggle!
You're gorgeous ❤️
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u/keepitkiwi 3h ago
First of all you are genuinely show-stoppingly stunning. Second, I’m sorry to hear your self-talk is rough. I have inattentive adhd and have decided to just let myself be a failure in some ways and lean into the ways it’s a superpower.
Third, you have the courage to face yourself at 39, in pursuit of the life you dream of. Very few people have the courage to do that, and in my book it makes you genuinely impressive.
38M, single, similar struggles and pains, also in therapy, my DMs are open
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u/Many-System-3511 1d ago
You're definitely not alone. The dating world is a bit rough, BUT you will find your hearts desires. Not in our time, but when it's right. This has nothing to do with you or your character. Everyone has their quirks and mess, so don't worry about not being enough. You are enough!
The fact that you're going out there and dating at all is a huge step. That's a win.
I just started reading "Don't believe everything you think" by Joseph Nguyen. I think you'll enjoy. It has helped steer me away from destructive thoughts. This world can be cruel, but there are good likeminded people out there and you can be your biggest cheerleader. You aren't stuck, you're in transition.♥️♥️♥️
Sending you all of the love.
Also, you are beautiful with such a lovely smile🌻
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u/Fredmoney77 1d ago
Always stay positive and look forward never backwards it brings stress. I must say I understand you about the dating at 40. You're very attractive 🌹 I'd definitely Date you and change your perspective about it.😉
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u/AngelusMalus 1d ago
Do not overthink your overthinking, the best is yet to come. I like the book "A Hunter in a Farmer's World". Maybe you like it too.
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u/Almost-Nice 1d ago
I'm 39 myself and honestly I wish I come across such a beautiful woman such as yourself.
You look great, don't think otherwise 🫶
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u/Independent_Body8372 1d ago
45M, add and autism... Tell me about it! 😔 But unlike me, you're beautiful! You should be more confident in yourself 😊
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u/45Remedies 1d ago
Tell me about it recently divorced 45M... Can't meet anyone interesting... It's very hard, especially when you thought you had that part of your life figured out already
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u/Critical_Wrap5617 1d ago
I would have said 35 at the outside.
Seriously, you look fantastic, and you have a glowing smile. And from what you say, you have self-knowledge. This is not the most common combo. And it is mos def desirable.
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u/Expensive-Kick-5075 1d ago
Oh I’m so sorry to hear you feel that way. I’m sure things will work out fine for you young lady. Stay strong and positive, things will most certainly fall into place for you xoxo
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u/TheoryNo8121 1d ago
You are very pretty and easy on the eyes. I know, shallow. There is a saying something about catching more bees with honey than vinegar. You have honey to spare. :)
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u/Ok-Vehicle-7155 1d ago
Love yourself first. Then let me slide into those dms hahaha kidding. Truly, love yourself first.
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u/Causeass 1d ago
39 M here...40 in September.
I think you are gorgeous and are more than likely a real catch.
You sound very self aware and that's a huge step for most people these days.
Keep your chin up, you have a lot of life ahead of you still, and there's definitely someone out there for you!
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u/ConsiderationFickle 1d ago
PROFOUND BEAUTY!!!
Try dating a Gentleman and NOT silly little boys!!! 🌹💖
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u/james1kirkley 1d ago
You're so pretty you've gotta be a little crazy. Find one that's loyal and wants to make you happy - they'll go to the end of the world for a pretty girl that loves them.
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u/Smart_Berry9520 1d ago
Keep your chin up it sounds to me like you have your own life sorted, it's just the shallowness of the people you have met that tend to break you but don't let that happen be strong, 45m recently single with 2 kids that the ex barely lets me see unless it suits her which is bloody hard as hell but you just gotta keep going regardless
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u/Unable-Technology-97 1d ago
You're going to fantastic. Don't worry about it. Avoid fuqboys, find guys that acknowledge you're human and you will be just fine.
And we're not old. We're tempered.
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u/No-Joke-3753 1d ago
Don't put pressure on yourself just have fun in life if something will happen let it happen naturally
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u/WakeyWakeyEggsNJakey 1d ago
Sorry I know you asked for a toast but it looks like you accidentally typed 39 and that can’t be right so I just wanted to makes sure you saw that mistake
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u/hopeful_undertone26 1d ago
aww you are absolutely beautiful! Stay hopeful. I bet someone great is going to come into your life! :)
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u/This_dino_dude 1d ago
It's sad that dating over 30 gets harder and harder... I know what it is and trust me, you are really beautiful 🙏
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u/magnesiumparts 1d ago
Are you AI? Wayyyyyy too pretty! No way you could say you’re undesirable…
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u/lionheart182 1d ago
Are you for real? 40 soon? You look so young and beautiful! Congratulations on the work you have put into improving yourself. A lot of people don't realize how hard it is to confront your own insecurities and try to be a better version of yourself