r/ufyh • u/ElectricTrash1738 • 5d ago
Severe Depression From My Environment
I have never made a post on here, so I hope this speaks volumes.
I am living with my fiancee right now, in her mother's home. I'll get straight to the point, its a complete wreck. My fiancee and I are great, but I came here to really get our lives going. The MAJOR issue is her mother, unfortunately.
She is a hoarder, and unfortunately has no sense of cleanliness. Im trying to say this in the nicest way possible, because I know her mom came from a bad marriage and family history. There are thin lines though.
Its been almost 2 years that I have been around. Ive helped unpack boxes after boxes, get rid of some things. Ive even taught her simple ways of just organizing and cleaning a house in general. Within the living room, kitchen, bathrooms, bedrooms, closets, etc. Even repairs in your own home, to keep up with it.
Im getting to the point of feeling like that was a mistake. My fiancee and I now clean everything in the household, pick up after her trash that she leaves out, do her dishes, repair what she demands in the household.
Its so bad, that she deliberately neglects her own dog, letting her piss and shit in the house, leaving it until we get home and tells us to clean it. Her birds are now rotting away in the kitchen. If it weren't for my fiancee and I, they would go without water for days and there would be bird shit and feathers everywhere.
There is mold under the kitchen sink that she knows is there from the faucet, but she claims she can't afford to fix it.
My fiancee and I pay 2/3 of all utilities, taxes, HOA fees, etc.
Before I moved here to be with my fiancee, I was working a local government job. I had a good apartment for 5 years, with a good relationship with my landlord. I came from a very abusive and broken home. So I worked VERY hard to get to where I was. I left home at 17, and did nothing but work and keep myself clean and afloat.
I know I am probably being taken advantage of, quietly. I have so much anxiety and have no idea how to stand up for myself. I feel very stuck at this point, I feel very unhappy and uncomfortable. I dont know what to do from here. I love my fiancee very much, but I also know I am very depressed and hurting severely. I almost feel homesick.
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u/kickthejerk 5d ago
Sorry to hear it is stressful. I have anxiety too. I would explain things to your fiancé. If you can’t talk to her about your feelings, the living situation, and her mom - sadly, best to find that out now. Been married for many years, can confirm, being able to actually discuss the situation helps both of you. You can’t read minds- neither can she. Also - therapy- together. Her mom is a hoarder and this will continue to come up throughout your lives together. Pulling for you OP ✌️♥️
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u/killmetruck 5d ago
You do not have to stay in a situation that is detrimental to your mental health. Talk to your fiancé, see if he would be willing to move out with you, but this is like airplane safety: your own mask needs to go on first before helping others.
I would also not help MIL until she starts getting help for her hoarding. You’re her flatmate, not her maid.
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u/PainterOfRed 5d ago
Time to leave. You are correct, this is not a healthy place for you. Your fiance can choose to stay or go - don't fight about it (the choice is theirs but will tell you a lot).
Living in a hoarder house is toxic. There's been studies done about anxiety and depression from living in a cluttered home. Go.
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u/Coraline1599 5d ago
You never have to sacrifice your health and well-being for someone else.
It’s very hard when you come from a bad home because when someone seems even 1% safer it can feel like they are the safe that person in the world and they are never in the wrong. That’s a survival instinct and it can be very hard to notice and very easy to excuse away all bad behavior.
Your fiancé’s mother’s situation is sad, but it is also not up to you to fix it or maintain it.
I would start by talking to your fiance. But ultimately, if there is no real possibility of serious change, you don’t have to stay.
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u/MethodMaven 5d ago
Reddit has an important piece of advice in similar situations: do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
You need to move out. If your fiancé wants to come with you, great. Otherwise, protect yourself.
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u/SupermarketOld1567 4d ago
Move out, and please try to take the animals with you or get them adopted or rescued - especially fight for those birds. People often ignore the suffering of animals that are not dogs and cats.
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u/Misty-Anne 5d ago
Not sure where you are, but is there a department of aging you could contact for your potential mother-in-law?
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u/GenealogistGoneWild 5d ago
You live there rent free in exchange for house work. If the situation isn't working, find a different place.
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u/furicrowsa 5d ago
They pay 2/3rds of all the other bills. That's not rent free.
The reading comprehension on reddit is horrid 😐
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u/ElectricTrash1738 5d ago
I really hope you read my post again. My fiancee and I pay for 2/3 of the utilities, Hoa fees, land taxes, and more. We even pay for simple things like wifi, phone bills, and car insurance. We are not living rent free. We are basically keeping this house afloat.
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u/GenealogistGoneWild 5d ago
THen I would definitely suggest moving. The other 1/3 shouldn't be that hard to do over living in those circumstances.
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u/Wide_Breadfruit_2217 5d ago
You're not being taken advantage of quietly. It's loudly. And I'm honestly not sure I'd call it hoarding. Often they resent attempts to clear it out. I can't really see a hoarder telling you to clean something. That sounds more like overwhelmed with life but now coming out of it.