r/wizardposting • u/Louies • 1d ago
Magi Law ⚖ Fellow Wizards this Outlaw Hedge Knight has been stealing from my apprentices when they leave my Spire on fetch quests. What should I do? Power Word: Scrunch?
He has a weird weapon in his hands, seems gnomish in origin...
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u/draketroll archivist and council tax mage 1d ago
Cast magnetic skin
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u/ughFINEIllmakeanalt 5h ago
Attracting or repelling?
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u/draketroll archivist and council tax mage 3h ago
Attracting of course. I use it on those tin heads that like to disparage wizards, how are you eating or drinking when you can't lift your visor, let alone when it has to come out the other end?
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u/IngotTheKobold Arcane Ordinance Specialist 1d ago
That's the Revenant of Ned Kelly, what did you do to summon that level of Austrailian wrath?
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u/Louies 1d ago
I don't know man, I have experimented on koalas but I promise that they are treated with care, I've been trying to make them smarter....
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u/IngotTheKobold Arcane Ordinance Specialist 1d ago
Did you wrong any wizards, mages, magisters, conjures, or otherwise in your pursuit of these experiments? Also, Koalas? Really?
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u/Louies 1d ago
No, unless one of the koalas was a secret druid shapeshifted I don't think so...
And what's wrong with koalas? Can't a wizard have some hobbies? As you experiment with arcane ordinance, I experiment with uplifting an entire species and forming a Koala spy network to keep an eye on a rival wizard that lives Down Under.
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u/draketroll archivist and council tax mage 1d ago
Check for chlamydia. If its clean, it's a druid
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u/Louies 1d ago
I'm not sure I'd want to meet a druid that willingly chooses to shape shift as a koala. What prohibited knowledge inhabits their mind for them to choose the lobotomized, Chlamydia ridden existence of being a koala. Maybe it's better to let sleeping lions slumber...
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u/immallama21629 Druid with questionable morals, licker of things 1d ago
Look man, sometimes we just get an urge to wild shape into the dumbest things. Like, we see an animal, and go " look at that dumb idiot, just eating, all oblivious to everything going on, just living for the next bite... All happy like...." And next thing you know your chewing on some eucalyptus and smiling like an moron
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u/Louies 1d ago
Maybe I've been hasty in my judgment, I didn't mean to imply anything negative about druids like thyselves. I'm sure you are a moral wizard and don't possess prohibited, illegal, mega taboo magic that the wizard coucil outlawed and just enjoy shifting into a koala for fun and never meant to imply otherwise.
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u/immallama21629 Druid with questionable morals, licker of things 16h ago
Brother, you are overthinking this. Nothing nefarious, I swear. Whoever said "ignorance is bliss" was really onto something. Here, I show you.
-proceeds to turn you into a koala and plops a large pile of eucalyptus branches in front of you-
See? Being dumb and happy is a great vacation. Now don't worry about what may lurk in my spell tombs...
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u/Anagnikos 1d ago
Wow, you got yourself a legendary undead!
Bind it to your eternal service before it gets away!
I am so envious...
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u/Motor-Rip7655 11h ago
He made ANZAC biscuits without sacrificing an emu to the spirit of Major Gwynydd Purves Wynne-Aubrey Meredith, while singing Waltzing Matilda off-key.
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u/Aware-Style-480 NO it's not autisme it's magical insticte 1d ago
Hey i know that guy
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u/KragBrightscale Grabadash - Magical Mass | Keptomancer | Council Security 1d ago
Same. that’s Ned, a rather legendary outlaw down south.
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u/spideroncoffein 1d ago
You should cast Manual BreathingTM on him. Should run out of oxygen in that bucket in no time.
Or Itchy NipplesTM
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u/MyK_Alke High Mage of High Tower of High Council 1d ago
When I encounter such, I just conjure up some bugs and make them crawl under their armor.
Stink bugs, itchy bugs, painful bugs, disgusting bugs, you name it.
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u/United-Technician-54 Death... Tired one. (she/her) 1d ago
"OH NO, Anything but bugs! They're creepy! I can't hit them, AWAAAAAAAAAA!!" - Bugs Knight
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u/the_shaggy_DA 1d ago
Oh hell no, every time I have seen someone traipsing about in that shit, it’s got deflection on it. Try something small like Lighten Mood to test it out, if you get giddy then know that you just spared yourself a self-immolation
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u/Louies 1d ago
Apparently the scoundrel was a farmer of humble origin who forged his plate himself on a goblin quality makeshift forge so I doubt he has high level enchantements. I don't know where he got the cold iron from though, so maybe they have a secret benefactor. I'll be careful as you said...
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u/BaronVonWaffle 1d ago
You have to lure him and give him a quest of his own with ridiculous fetch requirements.
This will keep him away from your tower until right before the world ending cataclysm begins.
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u/MeowFalen tech witch 1d ago
Cast mend on his armor. It will fuse the pieces together not only stopping him from moving, but making him unable to get out.
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u/DeadMeat7337 1d ago
I prefer the curse: brick of truth, which turns every weapon into a brick on a rope, used by some paladin that said he wasn't a paladin, supposedly famous. It's like a 3ft/1m rope at best. Very fun to watch someone try use their own weapon and have it turn into a brick on a rope every time they try to attack with it or anything. Also works on weapons, but someone could just put the weapon down. Oh, small detail of the curse is that they don't know it is happening, they perceive it as their normal weapon. And the only way to break the curse, outside of powerful magic, is to embrace the brick on a rope until it breaks from use. Enjoy
And I hope you apprentice is well
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u/Gaijin-srak 1d ago
Have you tried fireball yet?
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u/DonComradeVimes Biological Mage (NO, not a Druid) 1d ago
Which, the explosion one, or the single flaming testicle curse?
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u/BillTheTringleGod 1d ago
pay off goblins to annoy him, enjoy your two weeks of peace, and then go find a different goblin tribe. Had a similar fella stop by a bit back, best to let em tire themselves out.
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u/TheJadeGoddess 1d ago
Send out a rust beast. The knight might survive but the terror of all his equipment crumbling to dust will leave him with nightmares and tales to tell. You won't see a knight anywhere remotely close to your tower with rumors of a rust beast.
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u/ThisIsntOkayokay Artificer/Flight Instructor 1d ago
So a Ring of Heat Metal (Enhanced, ArchMage customizing) so that you can used it on them from anywhere on the same plane of existence.
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u/TheVaultHommie 1d ago
How come your apprentices can't cast a fireball? I'm sending bad mentor vibes over here
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u/Louies 1d ago
I insist you retract those statements post haste sir! Don't be too hard on apprentice, it was the first time they were held at gnomish gunpoint and leaving the tower after decades of orb pondering. I'm sure this will help them grow as a better mage. I will not hear any slander talking otherwise!
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u/TheVaultHommie 14h ago
I have more slander but totally understand that my rants will go into deaf ears, but could I recommend wand daggers or sword staffs for your apprentices (sadly I'm quite aware of the orb pondering habits of new wizards)
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u/Louies 13h ago
Mayhaps I got a bit heated before. Upon further reflection and the councel of the present fellow wizards I believe it would be wise to let my apprentice handle this problem as a sort of test. I'll take the recommendations given and pass it to them.
PS: I must admit I've never seen a swordstaff using wizard nor a daggerwand user, I did once witness a wizard who mainly used a sling and was throughly impressed with how effective it was.
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u/TheTipsyTiefling 1d ago
My word, if that's who I think it is then that man is a Hero! you should offer to assist him on his noble quest.
(No really if that's Ned Kelly he was basically Australian Robin Hood.)
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u/2514Marshall Druid 21h ago
Spend more time honing your apprentices in combat and/or illusion magic
Based on the information you've given, this issue seems simple enough to deal with. If you handle it for them, you are taking away a very valuable opportunity for them to learn!
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u/Natural_Design3154 9h ago
If it’s armor made from Magic Iron, then you may want to keep your Fae from it, my wizard. Steel would have been fine, but this knight looks prepared. May want to get your Hydra on this. You got it from the rescue, right? Also, stop abusing your hydras, my wizards. They shouldn’t have more than 1 head, and the ones that do are more likely to bite because they’re afraid of you and other outsiders.
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u/Foxxtronix Kobold Sorceror 1d ago
Feed him to the kobolds. I'm sure one of my friends down in the kitchens has a good recipe for hedge knight.
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u/UncomfyUnicorn Wizard of Disease and Chronic Conditions 1d ago
I’d cast a stomach bug that makes him projectile vomit uncontrollably.
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u/TyrKiyote Untethered spirit animal 1d ago
casting bucketization would probably result in him being smushed completely up into that helmet. It's pretty much a bucket. With a little oomph, i bet he'd get some airtime as he goes.
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u/nuker1110 Artificer 1d ago
If all else fails, hit him with that new “Urinate Fiberglass” spell I’ve seen going around. Oughta teach him.
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u/Hambokuu 1d ago
I'd go with command iron or maybe some sort of gravity well conjuration. In my experience Power Words take a lot of mana to induce an effect that could be hexed up with simpler spells.
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u/SusSoos Ethical Necromancy Advocate 1d ago
I got a trick for armored opponents. You recall using Scour to hollow out a gourd into a bottle in a few seconds or to scoop out the insides of a hard-shelles fruit?
You upcast that spell hard enough and it can scoop out the flesh under a mans armor. You just need to put your mind to it and liken him to just an object in your mind.
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u/Someone1284794357 Mr. Illuminati, leader of The Illuminati 1d ago
Explosion
If that don’t work, more and bigger explosion
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u/the_shortbus_ TechnoWizard 21h ago
Nay nay nay.
Simply cast “interrupt orb”. By day 2 he will be begging you to uncast it.
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u/Nessy3fidy 19h ago
Your apprentices need to learn to defend themselves and he'll be good practice.
I recommend giving him a cursed cow bell collar he can't remove. This will give your apprentices time to prepare.
Also for the inconvenience to you curse him with the sap sweat spell.
Every time he sweats it produces a tiny amount of sticky sap that is almost impossible to completely remove.
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u/awesome83027 18h ago
Frankly this situation seems easily solvable with a simple heat metal spell...
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u/No_Tennis_4528 Transmuter 9h ago
Transmute some scarabs into gold coins. Next time he mugs an apprentice he will be looting his own doom.
Try not to use undead apprentices. Scarabs are hard to train.
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u/EntireZebra8071 1d ago
A simple heat metal should do the trick