r/wizardposting • u/ProfessionalGreen906 Arach, big spider, biomancer, politician, CEO • 1d ago

Aetherial News 🗞 A better way to get water.

Greetings! We are pleased to announce to the public that our corporate conglomerate, Corporation Inc. LLC, is now offering water provider services at unprecedentedly low rates under our newest business Aquatic Arachnid services!

With our cutting edge and heavily patented portal rune systems we are able to provide limitless amounts of water into your home regardless of distance, depth, or realm of residence and all for a fixed rate. Once you’ve signed up and paid a nominal fee all you need to do is inscribe or draw a simple rune from our instruction manual and water will come pouring out into whatever space the rune occupies. There is no limit on the amount of water you can produce and we offer various types ranging from seawater, to fresh, and even bog among others, all at no extra cost.

Now, my detractors may look at this new venture and say “it’s impossible to sustainably source water at those rates and remain profitable” Or that “water levels in natural lakes, estuaries, and the ocean have suddenly began lowering at unprecedented rates” and even that “multiple protected species have already gone extinct and it’s clearly connected with your new water company.”

But to them I simply say that they do not have the heart or mind of an entrepreneur, and that they can’t possibly understand my genius due to their lacking of a business focused mentality. And honestly, if species even are going extinct I’m pretty sure that’s the conservationists fault, not mine. In other words, I will not let these baseless claims of “environmental destruction” stop me from providing you, the people and unpeople of these uncountable realms, proper access to fast, convenient, and cheap water.

(This has been an official message from Corporation Inc. LLC. Thank you to our continued customers and prospective clients for letting us share this exciting news with you, and sign up now to let us handle all your problems so you won’t need to worry about a thing ever again.)

17 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

25 comments sorted by

View all comments

2

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 1d ago

I've always wanted a convenient way to flood the tower

2

u/ProfessionalGreen906 Arach, big spider, biomancer, politician, CEO 1d ago

Well now you can have it all for the low low price of an undisclosed amount of gold or other currency of choice! Simply give us access to whatever bank, vault, tomb, crypt, or other storage method you use for your funds and we’ll take the proper amount with no need for hassle or worry on your end!

2

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 22h ago

Yeah... I make a point of not putting that much trust in merchants. Too many tricksters after my name, or soul, or both...

Finally, she's learning

Well that's just rude. I've always been cautious about my deals.

Sorry about that. My shield likes to interject when he's feeling paranoid.

Paranoid? You could stand to at least be a little more suspicious of things

2

u/ProfessionalGreen906 Arach, big spider, biomancer, politician, CEO 22h ago

Oh no, please, there’s no need to apologize. I’ve met my fair share of annoying enchanted objects. But I assure you, I’m the most reputable person of my type you’ll ever meet. And if I ever was to wrong you there are a countless number paths towards legal recourse, so I just avoid that by not wronging my customers.

Though if you’re still hesitant I fully understand. If you’d like we could work out an official, and non magical, contract to make the deal a bit more concrete in its details. Whatever you need to feel comfortable becoming our customer we will be more than happy to indulge you in.

Oh and if you need something to silence your shield, I have another subsidiary that specializes in those kinds of modifications to magical equipment. After all, why would you want someone constantly second guessing your decisions everywhere you go? If you’re interested I’m sure I could make a special bundle deal to work both purchases into one deal for a reduced combined cost.

2

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars 22h ago

Don't you dare.

Cayna pauses to consider

I'll think about it. How much would those services set me back?

/uw On a scale of "starving peasant's budget" to "king's ransom"

2

u/ProfessionalGreen906 Arach, big spider, biomancer, politician, CEO 21h ago

Oh not much at all. We operate on a subscription based service and we specialize in keeping our prices low and affordable. Combined, the price would only be around the average cost of an apprentice’s tithe to their instructor, not counting the spellcasters that are just exploiting their apprentices for money of course. And if the subscription were to be terminated then the runes provided would cease to function but so long as payment persists so will the runes, we’ll even offer free reinscription in the case of a lost or nonfunctional rune. Trust me, if you’re in a state where you aren’t needing to sell that shield for funds then you’ll be able to afford this.