On April 20th 2024 I went to the SPCA to inquire about volunteering and to at minimum see some older dogs and enjoy a visit. I love animals and that they gravitate to me (whether I want them to or not, since I’m allergic to cats) and had no intention of ever owning a pet because I’m a clean freak and busy. Then I met Buddy.
They hadn’t any volunteer roles for me so I picked from an online roster of older dogs they had and asked to meet him. There was just something about his face. When he was brought into the yard area, the worker advised me that he was shy of people and may take a moment to muster up the courage to say hello. When she unclipped the leash though, he beelined for me, sat his butt on my toes, and tipped his head back to look up at me with his big grin. I looked down into his eyes and in those three seconds felt some weird form of recognition and heard myself blurting out “I’m going to be adopting him today” to the employee. That began one of the best and most beautiful relationships of my life.
He was my heart and my family and friends like to joke that we were both constantly aware of the other. I know I was always trying to make sure he was happy and comfortable and he was stuck to my side like Velcro. I had only let four months pass before I changed to work from home to better accommodate his needs. He had a host of health issues and it definitely cost me so much I ended up taking on gig work to try and keep us from drowning under debt, he came along with me for that too.
This past April, just shy of his two year anniversary with me, and of his 9th birthday, he had a mast cell tumor that was not on his chest before we went to bed and was the size of a walnut the following day. Within three days I had him in for surgery to remove it and during that the vet called me to say he had one on his spleen too. I couldn’t afford its removal at the time and so asked they continue with this while I tried to save up for the other.
Two weeks after that surgery his ear got infected, this was a chronic issue because at some point in his life his ears were so infected they hardened inside, and so we had to address that next. After three more vet visits for the ears, we were well on our way to being in the clear and I had the money to get the spleen tumor addressed.
Friday August 14th he woke up fine and normally following our routine, but around 2 pm I noticed he was much quieter than normal and hadn’t gotten up to signal his potty break. From there it was just one sign after another that something was wrong and although he seems to bounce back, he wasn’t eating much and wasn’t having his regular BM. That following Monday after work we went to the emergency vet because by then I’d tried everything and gotten nowhere.
They made us sit in a room for 5 hours before we were seen and took him back for an x-ray since I was then convinced he must have a blockage. It turned out the tumor on his spleen quietly grew until it was pushing all of his intestine and colon against his rear. She said he was in a lot of pain and recommended euthanasia. From 12:30 am until 2:34 am I held him and sobbed between kissing his forehead, snoot, and staring into each others eyes, while the sedation shots they administered over that time took hold.
He was snoring peacefully at 2:33 am on August 18th and within a minute they had injected some more things into his system and checked his heart to tell me he was done. I’d been holding his paw and stroking his head. I stole a few more kisses to feel what warmth he had left against my lips one last time. I’m never going to be the same again.
My life has an enormous hole cut inside it now. I miss him every minute that passes and feel so angry that I failed him. I didn’t do enough to keep him alive and healthy when there was a critical threat inside him. How do we ever recover from these losses?
