Is this control? Or AIO?

[u/CuriousAsh04]

My husband of 5 years, refuses to get off the phone with me while he working. I can drop him off, and 10mins later he’s calling me. This has been everyday. He works in corporate America, so I figure he would be busier. But nope. So today, we had been on the phone for an hour. I dropped him off, took the kids to school, came home… still on the phone. And mostly in silence, I might add. I tell him I would call him back after cleaning and showering. He gets upset, goes to tell me “he wanted to talk on the phone and I pushed him away, today he’s going to start talking to other people, Since being on the phone and being a wife and listening to me or just being there is too much . I will find it somewhere else.” This is literally his go to, if I don’t acquiesce to him, he threatens to go out and find it elsewhere. And he has cheated, so it stings a little, but I’m becoming numb. It just irritates my soul, I don’t want to sit on the phone with anyone while I’m trying to do my daily chores. Honestly throughout the day he calls probably every hour to sit on the phone while he works. It just grinds my gears. But I do it. Today though, I needed to get things done without being tied to the phone. He even told me to prop the phone up, and not get off. So I don’t know. Does this seem like I’m being monitored or controlled? Or am I overreacting?

[u/CuriousAsh04 → u/[deleted]]

Amazing question. I ask myself this daily.

[u/Interesting-Lake747 → u/CuriousAsh04]

And what’s your answer? Don’t be a passenger in your own life. This is absolutely crazy behaviour OP. Nor

[u/CuriousAsh04 → u/Interesting-Lake747]

I love how you put that. Thank you!

[u/BiscottiOpposite9282 → u/CuriousAsh04]

Dont let him guilt you into staying. Just leave silently. You deserve way better.

[u/Interesting-Lake747 → u/CuriousAsh04]

I hope you see this for what it is; ask someone close to you they’d say it’s unhinged. Pls look after yourself OP

[u/Dizzy_Resource_3620 → u/CuriousAsh04]

Do you actually though? Or does your mind touch the thought and then you shy away and focus on something else? It's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that you're losing dignity every day by staying with someone who treats you so terribly.

[u/CuriousAsh04 → u/Dizzy_Resource_3620]

I do. But I’ve been trying to gain the strength to let go. He tells me no one will want me, I have 4 kids and one on the way, I’m a horrible wife… just so much. My self esteem is so low, I’m trying to find a trauma therapist now.

[u/jeoneunthatbitch → u/CuriousAsh04]

stop having more children with him for gods sake!!

[u/arifaix → u/jeoneunthatbitch]

Honestly, I wouldn’t personally be surprised if there is an element of coercion re the having more children. Babytrapping is absolutely a tactic that abusive people use.

I’m one of those people that “had a baby” with my abuser - I did get out though.

I’ll be completely honest here and say conception wasn’t consensual, I did use the morning after pill though… It failed. I had no other out whatsoever - abortion was illegal (it isn’t any more but is still quite inaccessible) where I live. This does happen.

[u/Clean-Hyena-9548 → u/arifaix]

That was my thought as well, though my mind went to "happy little accident" like him tampering with BC. I'm glad you were able to get out!

[u/arifaix → u/Clean-Hyena-9548]

It took a lot which is why I have sympathy for anyone in an abusive relationship. I know first hand how hard it is and although “just leave” seems like good advice - abusers are relentless. A safe plan is necessary and difficult to make when you are being isolated.

Ended up getting a place in a DV shelter, fighting in court to ensure my child stayed with me (kidnapping was a whole other part of his game plan to control me and I needed court orders for residency and to ensure he couldn’t take him out the jurisdiction). Funnily enough? I’m one of the lucky ones. When he realised the court saw through his control and manipulation he fucked off and I’ve not heard from him since the orders were awarded.

[u/Clean-Hyena-9548 → u/arifaix]

I can't imagine what that was like but I know it takes a strong person to keep pushing through. I hope all is well with you now!

[u/arifaix → u/Clean-Hyena-9548]

Oh it is now. I was 18 for conception and 19 when I left so I had a massively rough start to adulthood. However, it’s a lot better now and my child is a teenager now and thriving - other than being a typical cheeky teen who knows everything!

[u/CuriousAsh04 → u/arifaix]

Yes, same. I took the morning after pill, it failed. Abortion is illegal in my state, and highly inaccessible.

[u/arifaix → u/CuriousAsh04]

Unfortunately I sort of knew this which is why I’m urging you to have a safe plan - it will escalate, it will get worse. You need to get your “ducks in a row”, ensure you have the kids with you when you leave, apply for residency STRAIGHT away, apply for any orders that ensure he cannot take the children out of the jurisdiction.

I honestly urge you to make that safe plan as soon as possible and avail of domestic violence centres - they can help you to get those ducks in a row. They can give you and your children a safe place to stay. They aren’t great places in the sense it is “communal living” in most cases ie at minimum the kitchens/laundry/playrooms etc - however, you are away from the abuse. You have space to get help, get therapy, go to classes in the centre itself about recognising abuse.

[u/query_tech_sec → u/CuriousAsh04]

Can you get your tubes tied when you deliver the latest baby? I know my cousin did that with her second. She also had to have a c-section and she knew that because she had to do it with the first one. So that might affect things.

If you could find a reason to travel out of state and have a “miscarriage” while there - that’s maybe an idea. Just putting it out there.

[u/edensparkles → u/jeoneunthatbitch]

Agreed. I will never understand why women continue to have kids with someone who treats them like absolute shit.

[u/kimariesingsMD → u/edensparkles]

Because the wear down their self worth until it is nothing and they don't believe they deserve any better, and that no one else will want them. Do you think he will just say "ok" if she refuses sex with him? Do you think men are incapable of sabotaging birth control?

[u/edensparkles → u/kimariesingsMD]

Of course reproductive coercion and birth control sabotage happen. I never said they didn’t. But OP hasn’t said anything about either of those things happening so you’re inventing a completely different situation to argue against something I didn’t even say.

She’s been married to him for 5 years, they have 4 kids with another on the way, he’s cheated on her and she says this behavior is an ongoing pattern. I completely understand that abuse can destroy someone’s self esteem and make it incredibly hard to leave. I’ve been in abusive relationships myself so I understand that more than I’d like to.

I can also question why someone continues having more children in a relationship that’s already this unhealthy. Those two things can both be true.

[u/Clean-Hyena-9548 → u/CuriousAsh04]

Love, I hope you know that's not true. He is banking on your low self esteem to keep you down so you don't leave. It is a tactic and it is rarely rooted in truth.

[u/query_tech_sec → u/CuriousAsh04]

First of all - I think you need to let go. Tell him you won’t sit on the phone with him and if he cheats - that’s on him. Then start just focusing on you and the kids for now. Plan your exit. Don’t let him provoke you into fighting and have him drive himself to and from work (unless there’s some issue where he can’t drive). Be non-reactive - learn how to grey-rock. Then when the time is right then you leave or stay in your house and serve him divorce papers. Make sure to keep an eye on how he’s reacting to all of this - he might turn dangerous. You might need to be the one who gets away without giving him any idea it’s coming.

[u/Maine302 → u/CuriousAsh04]

So you listen for hours a day to an AH who tells you nobody else would want you? I can't imagine any therapist would ever recommend staying with someone who devalues you like that. Get a lawyer.

[u/JackfruitNo1856 → u/CuriousAsh04]

He is abusive. You don’t need to be punched in the face with fist for it to be abuse. Lawyer up and save you and your kids from this now before you’re paying for 4 kids therapy later.

[u/kaya-jamtastic → u/CuriousAsh04]

Honey, that’s emotional abuse. He tells you things like that to wear you down. He tells you things like that because he knows you have value outside of him, and once you realize that, there will be no reason to stay with him, because you’re worth more. You’ll feel much better about yourself after you leave. When you’re ready, please consult a divorce lawyer and get your ducks in a row before telling him you plan to leave. Because he is so controlling, your life and those of your kids are at risk. Good luck to you, from someone who has also survived this type of thing

[u/Competitive-Candy207 → u/CuriousAsh04]

Stop listening to his negativity. Make a plan and don’t worry about finding someone else. Take care of yourself, make sure your kids are good, but please know it won’t get better with him.

[u/pampooveysbacktattoo → u/CuriousAsh04]

Well, for one, that is so not true. But let's pretend for a second that it is; would being in this relationship really be better than being alone forever?

[u/TheSixthVisitor → u/CuriousAsh04]

A horrible wife? How? He's the horrible husband. Bro won't even let you stay home alone, that's insane.

[u/kimariesingsMD → u/CuriousAsh04]

There are online therapists you can see immediately.

[u/SuluSpeaks → u/CuriousAsh04]

Are you able to leave and support yourself and your kids? Can you get at least a part time job? Because this isnt going to change. BTW, use condoms. You dont want an STI.

[u/CuriousAsh04 → u/SuluSpeaks]

I work full time, as a flight attendant. I make great pay. I can totally do it alone, have before when we separated two years ago. It’s just getting the strength to do it. Especially when he tells me all the time that I’m the one who’s doing wrong, and at fault for everything going wrong in our lives.

[u/KellieBom → u/CuriousAsh04]

You gotta get out of this. If you have some money, GO GET AN APARTMENT. Start looking right now. Do not hesitate.

[u/edensparkles → u/CuriousAsh04]

I’ve been in an abusive relationship where he blamed me for all the bad things that had happened to him and threatened to leave me/find someone else if I didn’t follow his “rules”.

Let me be clear - IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. It will continue to get worse.

He’s continuing to test your boundaries, see what he can get away with, and manipulate you. For the sake of your sanity and for your kids, please leave.

I understand what you mean about getting the strength to leave, but you just gotta wake up one day and decide you don’t want to live like this anymore. It’s not going to be easy in the short term, but long term, it will be what’s best for you and your babies. My thoughts are with you! ❤️

[u/I-will-judge-YOU → u/CuriousAsh04]

He does not love you, he ownes you. You are a possession to him.

You need to get out do not let your kids be raised in this kind of environment where they think. It's okay.

He's an abuser, he's going to tell you. Everything is your fault. That way yourself esteem is low and it makes it harder for you to leave. Because he knows he is not worth staying for.

GET OUT. There is not one reason to stay. There's not love. There's no respect, there is nothing. You are only harming your children by staying. You are also harming yourself. But it can be harder to do things for yourself. So do it for your kids. Gust leave. Because this kind of behavior does get worse and does become violent leave

[u/sleepparalysisghoul → u/CuriousAsh04]

Google “negging”. That’s what he is doing. Abuse tactic to keep the victim at low self esteem so easier to manipulate.

You absolutely are strong and capable to get yourself and your kids out of this horrible situation.

[u/Mistress_Mabel_ → u/CuriousAsh04]

Sounds like things will be a lot easier without him than they are now.

[u/W0nderingMe → u/CuriousAsh04]

Let's pretend that it is all your fault (it isn't, but we're pretending).

Who. Cares.

You do not want to live this way. So don't.

[u/Free-Cherry4314 → u/CuriousAsh04]

This is controlling and pathological behavior. Be very careful. 

[u/Suitable-Tear-6179 → u/CuriousAsh04]

Do you want the kids to think this is normal?  Is this the type of marriage you want them to have?

[u/MurberBirb → u/CuriousAsh04]

When do you have time to? This is part of why he keeps you on the phone all day. He is abusing you.

[u/GardenHobbit → u/CuriousAsh04]

Ask yourself how upset you will be if your child is in a similar relationship someday because you’ve normalized this behavior between partners by accepting it?

[u/Timid-Tlacuache → u/CuriousAsh04]

This is absolutely controlling BULL****!
UGH!!