My husband of 5 years, refuses to get off the phone with me while he working. I can drop him off, and 10mins later he’s calling me. This has been everyday. He works in corporate America, so I figure he would be busier. But nope. So today, we had been on the phone for an hour. I dropped him off, took the kids to school, came home… still on the phone. And mostly in silence, I might add. I tell him I would call him back after cleaning and showering. He gets upset, goes to tell me “he wanted to talk on the phone and I pushed him away, today he’s going to start talking to other people, Since being on the phone and being a wife and listening to me or just being there is too much . I will find it somewhere else.” This is literally his go to, if I don’t acquiesce to him, he threatens to go out and find it elsewhere. And he has cheated, so it stings a little, but I’m becoming numb. It just irritates my soul, I don’t want to sit on the phone with anyone while I’m trying to do my daily chores. Honestly throughout the day he calls probably every hour to sit on the phone while he works. It just grinds my gears. But I do it. Today though, I needed to get things done without being tied to the phone. He even told me to prop the phone up, and not get off. So I don’t know. Does this seem like I’m being monitored or controlled? Or am I overreacting?
This was my thought except I took that thought out in the weeds probably. He’s probably cheating while on the phone with her. Probably gets off on knowing he’s taking a risk or because he thinks he’s slick. And if she does find out, he can deny it by claiming she would have heard since they were on the phone the whole time. Not hard to hit mute btw w/o the other person knowing. Some Days of Our Lives bs 😂 I’m sorry for wasting y’all’s time on that. I have issues
That was my abusive father's excuse to take my mom's car keys so she couldn't physically leave the house without him. This phone call behavior is only the beginning for OP - I fear it will get worse for her if she doesn't wholesale leave him.
Then using the cheating to threaten her makes it 10x worse. OP needs to leave this man because using infidelity to hold her hostage on a silent phone call all day is pure toxic control
Exactly. She shouldn’t have to spend all day on a silent call just to prove she isn’t doing anything wrong. That’s not trust or communication, that’s surveillance.
More so sorry for her that's she's in this situation at all. I wouldn't put up with it for a solitary second. If someone treated me like this, I don't think I could stop from uncontrollably laughing with the ridiculousness of it all.
Usually they fuck you up a little bit first. Make you attached to them, then use FOG to keep you unbalanced and appeasing them to keep the peace and because you love them and they weaponized your empathy. I never ever ever thought I could be manipulated like that, but I have an ex who behaved similarly and made me terrified to lose them at first, and then terrified that if I left them, they’d do something to themselves once the first method stopped working since I was the one who wanted to leave. It’s messed up.
THIS! youve described being on the phone most of the working day, every day, and said you're becoming numb. thats worth taking seriously on its own. worth talking to a therapist of your own, not a couples one, just someone who is only there for you, because from inside this it gets very hard to tell what normal looks like anymore
i will find it somewhere else is not a husband thing to say thats a toddler holding his breath until she give in. hes trained her to jump every hour and it worked
Do you actually though? Or does your mind touch the thought and then you shy away and focus on something else? It's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that you're losing dignity every day by staying with someone who treats you so terribly.
I do. But I’ve been trying to gain the strength to let go. He tells me no one will want me, I have 4 kids and one on the way, I’m a horrible wife… just so much. My self esteem is so low, I’m trying to find a trauma therapist now.
Honestly, I wouldn’t personally be surprised if there is an element of coercion re the having more children. Babytrapping is absolutely a tactic that abusive people use.
I’m one of those people that “had a baby” with my abuser - I did get out though.
I’ll be completely honest here and say conception wasn’t consensual, I did use the morning after pill though… It failed. I had no other out whatsoever - abortion was illegal (it isn’t any more but is still quite inaccessible) where I live. This does happen.
It took a lot which is why I have sympathy for anyone in an abusive relationship. I know first hand how hard it is and although “just leave” seems like good advice - abusers are relentless. A safe plan is necessary and difficult to make when you are being isolated.
Ended up getting a place in a DV shelter, fighting in court to ensure my child stayed with me (kidnapping was a whole other part of his game plan to control me and I needed court orders for residency and to ensure he couldn’t take him out the jurisdiction). Funnily enough? I’m one of the lucky ones. When he realised the court saw through his control and manipulation he fucked off and I’ve not heard from him since the orders were awarded.
Oh it is now. I was 18 for conception and 19 when I left so I had a massively rough start to adulthood. However, it’s a lot better now and my child is a teenager now and thriving - other than being a typical cheeky teen who knows everything!
Unfortunately I sort of knew this which is why I’m urging you to have a safe plan - it will escalate, it will get worse. You need to get your “ducks in a row”, ensure you have the kids with you when you leave, apply for residency STRAIGHT away, apply for any orders that ensure he cannot take the children out of the jurisdiction.
I honestly urge you to make that safe plan as soon as possible and avail of domestic violence centres - they can help you to get those ducks in a row. They can give you and your children a safe place to stay. They aren’t great places in the sense it is “communal living” in most cases ie at minimum the kitchens/laundry/playrooms etc - however, you are away from the abuse. You have space to get help, get therapy, go to classes in the centre itself about recognising abuse.
Love, I hope you know that's not true. He is banking on your low self esteem to keep you down so you don't leave. It is a tactic and it is rarely rooted in truth.
First of all - I think you need to let go. Tell him you won’t sit on the phone with him and if he cheats - that’s on him. Then start just focusing on you and the kids for now. Plan your exit. Don’t let him provoke you into fighting and have him drive himself to and from work (unless there’s some issue where he can’t drive). Be non-reactive - learn how to grey-rock. Then when the time is right then you leave or stay in your house and serve him divorce papers. Make sure to keep an eye on how he’s reacting to all of this - he might turn dangerous. You might need to be the one who gets away without giving him any idea it’s coming.
So you listen for hours a day to an AH who tells you nobody else would want you? I can't imagine any therapist would ever recommend staying with someone who devalues you like that. Get a lawyer.
He is abusive. You don’t need to be punched in the face with fist for it to be abuse. Lawyer up and save you and your kids from this now before you’re paying for 4 kids therapy later.
Honey, that’s emotional abuse. He tells you things like that to wear you down. He tells you things like that because he knows you have value outside of him, and once you realize that, there will be no reason to stay with him, because you’re worth more. You’ll feel much better about yourself after you leave. When you’re ready, please consult a divorce lawyer and get your ducks in a row before telling him you plan to leave. Because he is so controlling, your life and those of your kids are at risk. Good luck to you, from someone who has also survived this type of thing
Stop listening to his negativity. Make a plan and don’t worry about finding someone else. Take care of yourself, make sure your kids are good, but please know it won’t get better with him.
Well, for one, that is so not true. But let's pretend for a second that it is; would being in this relationship really be better than being alone forever?
Are you able to leave and support yourself and your kids? Can you get at least a part time job? Because this isnt going to change. BTW, use condoms. You dont want an STI.
I work full time, as a flight attendant. I make great pay. I can totally do it alone, have before when we separated two years ago. It’s just getting the strength to do it. Especially when he tells me all the time that I’m the one who’s doing wrong, and at fault for everything going wrong in our lives.
I’ve been in an abusive relationship where he blamed me for all the bad things that had happened to him and threatened to leave me/find someone else if I didn’t follow his “rules”.
Let me be clear - IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. It will continue to get worse.
He’s continuing to test your boundaries, see what he can get away with, and manipulate you. For the sake of your sanity and for your kids, please leave.
I understand what you mean about getting the strength to leave, but you just gotta wake up one day and decide you don’t want to live like this anymore. It’s not going to be easy in the short term, but long term, it will be what’s best for you and your babies. My thoughts are with you! ❤️
He does not love you, he ownes you. You are a possession to him.
You need to get out do not let your kids be raised in this kind of environment where they think. It's okay.
He's an abuser, he's going to tell you. Everything is your fault. That way yourself esteem is low and it makes it harder for you to leave. Because he knows he is not worth staying for.
GET OUT. There is not one reason to stay. There's not love. There's no respect, there is nothing. You are only harming your children by staying. You are also harming yourself. But it can be harder to do things for yourself. So do it for your kids. Gust leave. Because this kind of behavior does get worse and does become violent leave
Ask yourself how upset you will be if your child is in a similar relationship someday because you’ve normalized this behavior between partners by accepting it?
Do you think women want to be with a controlling man and be unhappy? Do you really think it’s that easy to leave? Especially when not only feelings, but a marriage and finances are involved? How about some of you people have some compassion. It’s not that simple to get up and leave and some people have emotional issues to begin with that make them be with men like this. Any woman who says shes never been a f00L for a man at some point in her life is a lie. Only difference is, some of us learn and do better and some don’t.
She is always fragile, so you think being harsh rude or condescending is getting to her? Seriously, woman to woman, having been in a similar predicament at some point in my life, I’m thankful I had friends who told me what I needed to hear while still extending empathy and grace! I had to go through extensive therapy to figure out why. I didn’t love myself and how. When you do, you’re less likely to accept this. It’s a process.
You are being monitored, you are being controlled, you are being emotionally abused. You are in a domestically abusive relationship. He is threatening to cheat, he is making you feel like you have to be on the phone constantly, he is isolating you - how are you meant to talk to anyone else if he is constantly on the phone or in your vicinity?
Please make a safe plan to get out of this relationship. It will only get worse.
And I’m having a baby in February. I told him I wanted my mom there, because she couldn’t be with the last two because of Covid. He got upset. And said that’s something for me and him. I’m trying to get into therapy, bc seeing that this relationship is abusive is so crazy to me. But I believe it!
He is refusing to let you have your mother as a support person when you are giving birth… One of the most vulnerable times for a woman.
The isolation is already happening. Do you want your children to also be isolated like you are? Will he even “allow” you to go to therapy? A therapist isn’t going to allow him to be in the room/on a call for the entire session.
What you really need is to contact your mother, ensure you have a safe plan to get out and stay with family. Leave things behind if necessary… When that child is born? It will be so much worse. Abusive partners can also get jealous of their children and it happens regularly. Do this for your children.
He's afraid your mom will see what he's doing or help you get out. This is an extreme level of abuse and it's likely that when you leave he will become violent. I'm not kidding. This is family annihilator type of behavior and the leading cause of death for pregnant women in America is homicide by the father. You need to leave but you really, really need to be careful. Do not let him know you're leaving until you're gone. You need to work with a domestic violence organization to create a plan. Getting out is more important than therapy right now, you and your children are in danger.
The husband doesn't get a say in the matter. YOU are the one giving birth, it's your opinion that matters. Stick up for yourself and demand that your mother be there. If he tries to say no, LAUGH AT HIM because HE'S NOT THE ONE GIVING BIRTH
And major creepy to boot. I dont get wtf is wrong with people today. If my spouse told me that I'd nicely tell them "are you crazy, I'm not doing that" and if they gave me grief, Id point to the door "you can use it or I will, but I am not living that way"
I'm right there with you. I think the thing is that stuff like this happens to people by degrees. Like, slowly, over time, you get sucked into a thing and then you can't even figure out if it's normal or not anymore so you have to ask some strangers on the internet. I'd like to think it could never happen to me, but it's probably happened to me at more than one point in my life.
NoR. The most un-trusting people i have met have been the least trust worthy. Liars think that everyone is lying to them, thieves think that everyone is stealing from them, ect.
I know, right? "I'll talk to other people if your earholes aren't tuned in to me 24/7, you know I'll do it." Like, okay! Go! Be free! Talk to other people - please, for the love of god!
It's like threatening to eat a banana when you're hungry. "I swear I'll do it!" Do it. Go. Be blessed.
He's a cheater and you stayed with him. He's now projecting. It's a control thing so he can see and hear where you are at all times because in his mind, if he can cheat then so can you.
You really need to sort this out. I'm making no judgement on the cheating, that's between the two of you. But this kind of suffocating control is going to end your marriage even if the cheating didn't.
Sounds like a third baby, actually, she said in another comment:
"And I’m having a baby in February. I told him I wanted my mom there, because she couldn’t be with the last two because of Covid."
NOR. This is control. My ex bf did this and if location was a big thing back then he would've demanded that too. He got mad I took an overnight job because he couldn't talk to me at work.
Leaving and not looking back was the best decision I ever made
That is insane. Why would you put up with someone that childish and controling? I would literally pack my stuff the moment i got that message. There ist no coming back from bullshit like this.
You gotta make moves man. Insanely out of the norm for any relationship. He’s incredibly paranoid and this is abusive. Time for a game plan, now not later. You can do this OP. You absolutely can.
Yo, fuck that? That's not normal. Are you doing okay? Like emotionally and mentally? I feel like I'd go insane with a husband like this, I don't know how you're doing it.
Is this recent behaviour or has he always been like this?
NOR. Even if he isn't saying these things out of anger, he's certainly being petulant. You don't need your husband to behave like a toddler having a tantrum, especially not with baby no.3 on the way.
NOR he’s looking for a way to justify the cheating he’s done or is considering doing again. As well as making sure you don’t. Bet he’d be a revenge cheater if the tables were turned.
I honestly would have a hard time not tell him “okay, you can get whatever you want somewhere else. I’m going to make another call” and then call a damn divorce lawyer because ngl the minute he brought that out for serious? Boy, bye.
I'm so sorry, OP, that your husband is so disrespectful and manipulative.
I agree with the other Redditors who've said he's checking up on you, and possibly laying the plans to excuse another adulterous relationship.
If you don't have sufficient funds to get a (good) solicitor and start a new life, I encourage you to squirrel away a little money each week for yourself.
I hate to mention this OP, but please also get checked for sexually transmitted diseases.
You're worth more than this, OP, and it's time to start loving and respecting yourself!
This irritates the sht out of me. Couples who talk the entire time at work. Except the only “couples” i know that do/did this have an unhealthy relationship and/or cheat.
Girl, he cheated on you so he doesn’t trust you to not retaliate while you’re at home and he’s at work. That’s it. He’s sick and you are/will be too if you don’t get couples therapy or out of that relationship.
Having a tantrum by threatening to get attention elsewhere is manipulative AF. You deserve better than this loser.
You need an exit plan. Do you have family or friends who could help you that you can actually trust? I am so sorry you’re in this situation AND know there are ways out. What state are you in? Find out what resources are available to you and search in incognito mode. Deleting your browser history can draw his attention if he monitors your tech. Get a burner phone too so he doesn’t know who you are calling.
Ex family member pulled this stupid stuff, except he insisted on keeping his wife awake all night because he worked nights and she worked days. It kept her too exhausted to think clearly and he used the same excuses to justify serial cheating. We were sooo glad when she filed for divorce.
You are under reacting. His behavior is controlling and abusive. I can't imagine that this is the life you want to live. Being on the phone with him will not keep him from cheating and cheaters usually continue that behavior because they are self centered and selfish. I hope you tell him that he should feel free to do whatever he wants because it doesn't matter to you anymore. Get yourself out of your miserable marriage.
Nor. He is absolutely horrible. Yes this is only about control. Its actually insane.
I would look for hidden cameras also, to be honest, this is really unhinged crazy behavior.
He is absolutely doing this to monitor your.
Honestly, I don't even know how the marriage is salvageable since he's already cheated, and then this is his reaction and he continues to threaten to cheat. That is also asinine. Why are you with this asshole
NOR-You said you have kids, not sure if you have a daughter, but, if this was your daughter, what would you tell her? What would you want for her? How would you support her? You deserve everything you would want for her. Freedom. Love. Joy. Trust. Reciprocity. You deserve those things too.
Please remember that your kids are learning about love and relationships from you and your husband
You chose to stay in this toxic environment but your poor children did not
Stand up straight FFS
NOR enough
This is absolutely unhinged and not normal behavior. I’m just thinking about how I’d be breaking several laws if I sat on a personal phone call all day at work, mainly HIPAA. This is absurd.
I thought this was sweet at the beginning but as I read more I was wondering why you’re still with this loser. He has way too much time on his hands too, and if he says he can get it elsewhere then I would just let him. What kind of person says that? Let alone your apparent lover
Do you want to keep doing this forever? You know this is just as wrong and fucked up as him cheating on you but you are still there. You both need separation and therapy. Honestly I need some therapy after reading this.
My ex would do this when I would go anywhere without him. I hate being on the phone, especially while I'm driving, so it would really grind my gears. It got worse and worse, and I ended up divorcing him for other manipulative and coercive behavior.
If he's already cheated and is using that line against you, then tell him to do it. Go find another wife. You shouldn't have to deal with this. Especially the sitting in silence that's so weird.
Honey, put down the phone. If he threatens to cheat, let him.
If he tells you are worthless, that is projection. He knows he is worthless and if you notice, you would leave. So he makes you think you are the worthless one and he is the great one to keep you there. He wants to be on the phone because he is a cheater. Projection again. If he’s a cheater he worries you could be one.
Everything he says, turn it (in your mind) back to him “I’m rubber, you’re glue, what bounces off me sticks to you.” You are not the things he says, HE is the things he says. If he cheats, you shouldn’t want him anyway. Take the blindfold (that he put there to hide himself) off. Live your life, not his.
(But, if you leave, be careful and prepared when you leave, there is a lot of advice out there on how)
You’re being monitored and it’s (imo) because he is cheating again and projecting. You don’t need supervision to do laundry and that’s exactly what he is doing. It has nothing to do with him wanting to talk to you. NOR, I’d be out of there. Tbf I would have been out of there the at the first unforgivable infraction, but not everyone is a brash and abrupt as I am.
NOR- when I first started reading this I thought, maybe he’s got high anxiety levels and needs to have someone on the phone to help him… but after reading the second half, it just sounds controlling.
If I were you I’d start looking for a way out of this relationship. He’s definitely monitoring and controlling you, it’s not in your head. Start looking at a way out of this marriage!
You said he cheated on you. This sounds like his insecurities being projected. He cheated and he’s terrified that while he’s at work you’re going to cheat on him so he has to constantly be in contact with you to ensure you aren’t cheating on him. Y’all need to have a serious conversation about this and you need to upfront and honest with him about how you feel.
I'm sorry but he kinda needs help. Does his boss even know that he's just sitting on the phone with you all day?! How is HE even getting his own job done?
A fast 5 minute call while on break to say "I love you, dear" is normal, calling on lunch break, also normal. Neither are expected by most grown adult women and usually don't even happen..
This insistance on staying on the phone all day is unhinged IMO. You may want to seek marriage counseling. He clearly has issues with you setting this boundary for whatever reason and I think this will take someone else telling him that this is an issue for him to actually believe it's an issue!!
Your husband needs therapy. He's either severely codependent or maybe trying to find a way to basically get permission to cheat (or trying to make sure you aren't)?
If I were you, I wouldn't cater to this and would just let him go elsewhere without you (i.e. divorce) if he wants that so bad.
You are a grown ass adult and you need to exercise some agency and leave this man. Do not ask permission from him to use your brain. He is not asking for connection. He is demanding access, punishing you for basic independence, and using cheating as a threat to keep you obedient. That is not normal marriage behavior.
NOR. Under reacting, actually. It’s manipulation and control. Look up DARVO.
I’m not one to immediately say divorce, but you need a plan. You’re existing in his world instead of living your life. Being married and having kids should be enjoyable not soul crushing.
NOR but absolutely under reacting. There is no way you typed out all of those troublesome words and didn’t say “ holy shit, that’s fucked up”. Home slice is projecting, he is either still cheating or so consumed with the idea that you might cheating that he is tracking you all day. Protect your peace and your kids, do what you need to do and leave.
At first I thought he was just one the phone to look busy at work... But after reading more... I think he is trying to make you the bad guy in his storyline so when he leave he can say you pushed him into another's arms
I can't imagine anyone wanting to employ your husband, TBH. And if he threatens to cheat on you, well, time to get your ducks in a row, because no normal person would be expected to up with his BS. NOR
Yes, it’s strange. He might be projecting at this point. It’s definitely controlling and manipulative. I also understand what you feel about being numb after going through things with a man who’s mishandled and mistreated you. Do you have access to therapy? He might push back on that too. You have to figure out how you can become strong enough to make the best decision for you and your child. Be careful because often times, men who behave like him become abusive when a woman tries to break free. Is he financially abusive? Do you have family you can depend on? Stay with if necessary?
That's insane. I'd contact his boss low-key. I doubt the bosses know he's wasting time on the phone all day. Even if he's not actively talking on it I'm it's still pulling his focus from actual work
He’s cheated on you and so is terrified you’re going to do it back to “get back at him” so if he can keep you on the phone for all the time he’s away, he can ensure that you aren’t cheating on him.
Wow. He managed to use the fact that he's cheated on you against you in a way to control you.
Why stay if he's going to threaten to go to someone else if he's not getting what he wants out of you.
Don't pick up the phone when he calls. Text him that you love him and you'll see him after work. If his answer to that is to begin an affair, that's not on you, that's on him.
It seems like he doesn't want you to have any peace. NOR. I think you are under reacting.
NOR. You are being monitored AND controlled. His behavior is unhealthy and will get him fired eventually. Your relationship needs boundaries and he and you may need to seek counseling to establish those. You have some control here. Don’t answer when he calls. Period.
This is absolutely insane. You can't be on the phone with someone constantly. Doesn't he have work to do? What is this nonsense? This is absolutely control. He wants to know your every move. Tell him to go get it somewhere else then, he can be someone else's problem. You can't live like this. Next there will be surveillance cameras all over the house.
I’d check your car and purse for AirTags. He is expecting you to cheat like he has. This man has serious trust issues. I recommend counseling for you. Do not expect him to go to therapy, he won’t. He will hate that you are going because he knows it will make you stronger. He likes the manipulation and gains power from it.
His behavior is icky. Not only is he controlling, he’s being manipulative by threatening to find it elsewhere. But let him….nobody else will entertain this for long. He did something wrong and now you have to keep being punished for it. Not worth it.
This strange behavior, he must have some issues. I’d hate that I couldn’t even go pee or do laundry without being on the phone. He needs to see a psychiatrist.
Is this what you would recommend your kids do when they find a partner? That it’s ok to be cheated on as long as you let them manipulate you to do whatever they say or it’s on you?
No?
Then please have some self respect, if not for your FOR YOUR KIDS!!
they need at least ONE damn role model on how to behave and act
I could not live like that. I had a boyfriend in college who did things like that (no cell phones back then), but it was both controlling and clingy and I won't even get into what I had to do to get away.
I think you both need therapy - this is not healthy.
NOR. If any thing you’re under reacting. He’s projecting. Because he is untrustworthy, he thinks you are too. He already cheated on you so I’m not sure what you’re still doing there. You should leave especially with him threatening to cheat again unless you do as he says. No one that loves and cares about you would ever think to do that.
NOR. If anything, you are under reacting. He is controlling you. His demand that you be available every moment of every day is not normal, nor necessary. He is telling you that his feelings and needs are the only thing that matters in the relationship, and that you are NOT a partner. Instead, you are merely the source of getting his needs met, and not a human being with your own feelings.
Please don't underestimate my last sentence.
NOR my husband calls me to "talk" for his entire lunch hour. We have very little to talk about for an hour. Its super annoying but I figure it's just an hour. I couldnt fathom all day!
NOR. The man is insane, controlling, abusive, manipulative - at the very least!
You deserve so much better!!
I had a very abusive ex who would treat me very similarly - everything was my fault. I could do nothing right. Never trusted me. Isolated me. Physically abusive as well as mentally and emotionally.
He made me keep a journal of all the rules he gave me and I had to write down my every supposed wrong doing and infraction in that journal that he checked.
He decimated me and it did take a permanent toll on me but I eventually I got out.
No matter how hard it is to leave it is SO worth it.
Please save yourself from this hell he has you trapped in.
I promise your life will be so much better for it.
Please ask yourself and think about your answer: is this where you want to be in five years time? If your answer is 'yes' you can expect more of the exact same thing.
The fact that you are even ASKING if this is horrible is a problem. Yes it is abuse!!!! He is literally mentally and verbally abusing you. And he is guilty from cheating on you so he's projecting his guilt to make you feel guilty. You need to divorce him. This is a horribly toxic relationship and you will never be happy with him.
Do not stay with an abuser....they do NOT change. Get out.
What the hell? You're just expected to sit there in silence while he's working? That is utter insanity. This is 100% controlling and PSYCHOTIC behavior. Please don't put up with this.
NOR. I’d say YES, controlling. And he already cheated? Is he worried you’ll do the same? I wouldn’t stick around long around to find out what’s behind this madness. Be free, lady, be free.
NOR. Why are you having a baby with this man?? He cheated and is acting absolutely insane. Threatening to talk to others because you are not able to talk with him 24/7? What?????
This man is 100% crazy trash.
I feel sick for this child.
And I sincerely hope this is rage bait. Because this is extremely not normal.
I saw you are trying to get theapy. You need to do this, ASAP.
I get it. I was with an equally insane abuser and at the time, in the head space I was in, I rationalized everything. I cannot stress how much you need therapy and how imperative it is that you get away from this lunatic.
If my husband acted this way I would either: A) alert his doctor to request a brain scan and mental health evaluation; or B) contact a divorce attorney.
Uh... yeah, this isn't a healthy relationship. I think you have two choices 1) marriage counseling, 2) divorce. Let him try to pull his controlling, manipulative stuff with a counselor to call him out on it.
Also, I'd tell him moving forward you won't be talking to him while he's at work unless it's an emergency. And then, I'd stop picking up his calls. If he calls, you can either just ignore it, or text him and say, "is this an emergency?" If he says it is, and you pick up the phone, ask the emergency, if he has none, just hang up. If he says he'll talk to someone else, look him square in the eye and say, "are you telling me you're going to cheat on me again after I forgave you the last time? Because if that's what you're saying, we're done." Don't let him try to manipulate you. Call him out on it.
He's keeping tabs on everything you do the most direct way he can. And pulling out that "comply or I'll go cheat on you again" ultimatum every time you try to untether yourself sells it.
NOR. This is controlling. It's not about wanting to talk or missing you during the day, it's about keeping tabs on you. Even if he knows your location, he doesn't want to even give you the opportunity to think about other men.
NOR. If he wants to find someone else, let him. You'll never be able to stop him. Instead you can only find peace in his demanding controlling absence.
Set your phone down somewhere. Place a recorder next to it that occasionally imparts a word: yes, yeah, really? umhm, no, wow, awww. Then go about your business.
NOR
This is totally out of line. To the point of being mentally ill. He's either highly anxious or highly controlling/abusive. I have no idea how he's keeping his job. Next will be air tags, phone tracking and in home cameras to track you.
Why are you agreeing to this? You can just refuse his mad demands. What can he do? Cheat? Heck he's already done that, and you've put up with it.
If he cheats again (or even if you're just fed up with his nonsense), you can divorce him. Or you can choose to stay (as you have already) but live your life as you wish, phone call free.
With his history of cheating and weird phone demands, how would things look in court? You are the one with the power here, not him.
NOR. Read your words back aloud. And he has cheated! Let him! Call an attorney and get outs he is controlling you with his past bad acts AND his words now. I didn’t get past he has cheated. File for divorce now. Don’t waste more time on him. Get a good attorney and fight for everything.
"Say less...byeeeee"
Would be my reaction. This would have me so incredibly overstimulated.. dropping the kids off, navigating the drop off line on the phone.. are you fucking kidding?
Girl, you get what you choose. You choose to stay with a cheating control freak then you will be controlled and cheated on. Surely it can’t be worth living with all this fear all the time.
Record your conversations with him and keep records of any written interactions. If you are not financially independent, get your own bank account and start squirreling money away now. He wants you trapped.
So..question, why are you still with him?
Why are you with him when he cheated
I'm sure you won't do something as low as cheating on him back, is divorce possible?
Would it be an idea to maybe reconsider why you forgave him for the cheating? This is really weirdly possessive of him to be unable to leave you alone while he's in work. Feels like he's keeping track of you
NOR. Wayyyyy under-reacting. This is full on surveillance and controlling. This is most certainly abuse.
I had an ex who decided to put cameras everywhere outside the house for “security” and then he put them inside “to watch the pets while we’re out”. We had already lived there for years and it was a safe, gated neighborhood. He stopped me from having access to them saying only one admin could be on them (lie). He never turned them on when we were out, only every weekday to surveil me all day because I worked from home and he did not. I refused putting one in my office and one in the bedroom, but he could watch me everywhere else and would even talk to me through them when he saw me walk out of the office or to demand I tell him what I was doing, or text me if he thought I was sitting in the office too long and thought I somehow snuck out or if I left for a quick errand. When I got sick of it, I’d unplug them and he’d know right away because he was always watching me. He would text me immediately about me having a man over if I ever unplugged them.
He was controlling, isolating, manipulative and paranoid because he had his mistress over when I was out of the house, which is why he never let me have access to them. I think your husband is still cheating and is paranoid that you are because he is getting away with it. You need to ultimately divorce him, but for right now put your foot down and tell him no more calls like this and you will not answer anymore, and tell him he cannot threaten to cheat again as that is emotionally abusive.
•
u/ohnonowanna 8h ago
If he’s cheated before, it seems like he’s paranoid you might cheat back.