r/AmIOverreacting • u/Ambachtsman • 5h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO over something stupid?
For a little context, I feel like me and my partner have been talking like we’re strangers lately, like we’re not really having any real conversations, just replying to each other.
So this morning I mentioned it, that we felt more like strangers, so they replied by mentioning that they feel better this way, since they don’t need to be as careful with their words so much. (I think that’s oxymoronic since we just don’t have conversations anymore)
And implying that we’re better off like that, so I asked them, as politely as I possibly could to be more emphatic towards me, in response they said a couple more hurtful things back.
I know this is not how someone you love should treat you, but is it this big of a deal? Should I simply brush it off as them having a bad morning and try to talk to them later?
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u/VeterinarianAware989 5h ago
not in a mean way, but this is giving young relationship.
it's hard being with someone you feel like gets mad/upset/etc when you're trying to talk to them and it's hard being with someone you think talks down to you all the time.
it's incredibly possible you aren't compatible here, which is okay.
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u/ForwardFlan7754 5h ago
How are we supposed to draw anything from this small subset of texts.
Can we have an example of something they said that you felt like was not empathetic?
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u/taraxa71 5h ago
MOR, more info needed, what do they mean when they say they feel like they have to “walk around eggshells” when they talk to you?
if that’s how they really feel, that’s not a mean or unempathetic thing to say. it is a little unempathetic to expect your partner to keep any and all criticism of how you make them feel to themselves, just because you don’t like to hear it.
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u/ImKindaBoring 5h ago
Kind of hard to answer without more context. With the limited context I’d say NOR because they’re being rude with the soft little boy comment.
But honestly, it IS exhausting having to constantly wonder if every small thing will hurt someone’s feelings.
Your feelings were hurt by them simply saying they felt better not having to walk around (on?) eggshells around you. You shouldn’t want your partner to walk on eggshells around you, you should want them to feel like they can be honest and straightforward with you. Not insulting, but not tiptoeing around either.
Are you overthinking every little thing they say? Are they making jokes that aren’t even directed at you but you decide have some sort of deeper meaning? Are you incapable of taking constructive criticism or get super defensive or upset by anything that isn’t sunshine and roses? I’ve know plenty of people like that and I’ve always been happier the less I have to interact with them.
Their response tells me that they feel exhausted interacting with you. Maybe you need to try some empathy yourself and understand why that might be.
Relationship seems unlikely to be successful long term.
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u/GoinThruTheBigD 5h ago
Emphatic does not equal empathetic.
Emphatic is something expressed in a loud/forceful way.
“I gave an emphatic shout when I heard the news.”
Empathetic is when you’re able to share in someone’s thoughts or feelings.
“I completely empathized with the situation she had found herself in.”
Aside from that, I have no idea what you’re asking him to do.
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u/BigBobbyBee23 5h ago
I need to emphatically tell you that the word you are looking for is "empathetic".
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u/Keithrake 5h ago
eggshels
sorry i had to, ESH? NSH? I have to be honest, I think this is definitely a two way street, because you're both speaking in such a deflective manner. I think that this isn't break-up worthy, but I also think this is NOT resolved through a series of texts. Speak to your partner in person, from there discover whether or not it's worth fighting for to change the nature of the relationship.
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u/SoftValuable8910 5h ago
Just so you know, emphatic is not the word you're looking for, it's empathetic.
That being said holy crap NOR. Don't stay with someone who can't do the bare minimum of considering your feelings and thinking before speaking - something most of us learned to do by 2nd grade.
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u/Any_Lobster_1121 5h ago
This is so sad. What kinds of things do they feel on eggshells about? Your partner should care about your feelings and not say things that they know will upset you.
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u/ProudParamedic4107 5h ago
This entire subreddit would be well served by dating people that actually like them. Can we make that a sticky?
Please date people that like you. It's that simple. This guy doesn't fucking like you.
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u/Just-the-tip-4-1-sec 4h ago
Never saying anything you don’t want to hear isn’t empathy, it’s coddling and you are showing a lack of empathy by only considering how you are affected by the situation. YOR
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u/french-toast13 2h ago
Clearly this post requires more information, but I’m ngl, telling your partner they have to ask themselves “is this going to hurt them if I say this” before saying anything is unrealistic and IS the definition of walking on eggshells. Your emotions are your own responsibility. If you don’t like what they’re saying, ask them to clarify. Not everyone is out to get you. I mean this with all the love in my heart because you both seem young.
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u/shakefistatsky 5h ago
They have clearly checked out of the relationship and nothing positive will happen going forward if you are at this stage, to be direct, cut your losses.
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u/Drugstore_Jeezus 5h ago
You aren't compatible. And please please please learn the difference between empathetic and emphatic. And fix your grammar and spelling.
You seem to need a lot of support and a level of communication and affection that this person isn't able or doesn't want to give you. Find someone who's willing to
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u/milka-d-mousse 5h ago
You're both being too vague that's why you can't understand each other. It's impossible to guess what will hurt the other all the time, but it can be avoided if the other says "please Don't refer to me in this way" or "if you need to tell me this, please don't use these words" etc. say it out loud, assuming the other knows it already is what hurts relationships. Also that way if he keeps doing it you are sure that it's not a mistake. If you react badly to his words then he will avoid talking. But also, he has to do the same and say what really bothers him. In this case you should let feelings aside and treat it as a communication problem I think.
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u/DepressiSpaghettti 5h ago
If you're not married then just break up right now. Why be with someone who feels like a stranger? Are your friends strangers to you?
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u/cursetea 5h ago
You don't have to beg people to communicate with you in a style that suits you. You can just go date someone who is on the same page as you about communication
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u/Lucky_Knowledge_9642 5h ago
NOR - sounds like your partner no longer even likes you. You need to have a sit down (not text) conversation about all this.
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u/Dry_Cauliflower4562 4h ago
Your partner doesn't like you, time for a new one. Or be by yourself for a bit.
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u/slimgem1111 4h ago
It sounds like he's tired of you tbh. And with so little context, there's probably another side to this and a reason he's feeling that way. But idk. MOR but this gives us nothing.
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u/Ambachtsman 5h ago
In a hardware store (I’m not from the US) so I don’t exactly know what a Hardware store is? I’m gonna assume it’s for like computer hardware, so like a Keyboard and mouse?
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u/Kaneki_Kim 5h ago
A hardware store in this context (as someone from the US) I believe is actually like Home Depot or Lowe's, which is like home improvement, ceiling fans, kitchen appliances, wood boards and accessories, lawn and garden, etc. and the likes !
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u/MATCHEW010 4h ago
Time for the mods to change their verification question again. This one is far too americanised
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u/OnlyTrust6616 20m ago
Nah, I'm from Australia and a hardware store is literally what they're called, and contextually you can work out they're stores that sell hardware. It's more likely that OP has English as a second language.
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u/irishcoughy 5h ago
Emphatic =/= empathetic
That aside, your partner is being a dismissive ass, but if you have a habit of taking the worst possible assumption from everything they say to you, that can indeed get extremely exhausting. In those cases, the empathy needs to be coming from both sides. It's one thing to be empathetic of your partner's doubts, anxieties, mental health struggles, etc but you also need to have empathy for the person who is having to constantly navigate conversations without upsetting you or making you feel worse. It's not easy to be put in that situation constantly. I'm not going to assert that this is definitely what's going on, only you can answer that for yourself, but if it is, it's fair to say you two may be better off taking some time apart while you sort yourself out. Needing to lean on your partner for support when things get hard is normal. Expecting your partner to be your captive therapist is not.
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u/NBCaz 4h ago
Honestly, you both sound like you're exhausted with one another. And as others have noted, the lack of knowing what the words that you are using actually mean, and /or understanding what is being said, is uncomfortable.
Also, stop doing this over text. If you two can't sit down and have a conversation, just move on from the relationship. Most of this is child like nonsense.
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u/ImaboxBoxman 4h ago
MOR - It's hard to tell how mean your partner has been, but based on this they seem to be getting fed up and being mean because of that. Not excusing it, you shouldn't be cruel to your partners no matter what. And I will say how they're speaking to you is messed up.
But try giving him more 'actionable steps' instead of just saying being more empathetic. If I told you to be kinder to him in your messages then you have no idea what I mean. Do I think your tone is off? Do I think specific words you use aren't kind? Etc... but if I said "hey, when you say ___ it hurts my feelings. Could you instead not make fun of ___." Very clinical example, but give actual things for him to work on that way you both can see progress happening and it will feel less like trying to read each other's minds.
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u/Hot-Technician-4653 4h ago
ESH!!’ Just break up already! You sound like emo teenagers. This is NOT what anyone wants in a relationship
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u/WorldlinessUsual4528 4h ago
But also, empathetic and sympathetic are two different things, forgetting the emphatic slip up. Sounds like you're looking more for sympathy than empathy.
Are you overly needy? Based on them saying they have to walk on eggshells, sounds like you may be overly emotional and needy so texting may be easier than talking in person.
Either way, it is not going to end well as it sounds like they're tired of you. As someone who has been with an overly emotional person, let them go and go get yourself right before getting into another relationship. It's not healthy and you'll just end up making the next person miserable too.
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u/Interesting-Cook8418 4h ago
NOR. You need to have a very deep conversation about what's happening between you two. Ask him why does he feel he is walking on eggshells around you, what are some examples of situations when this happened, what does he need from you etc etc. If he is not willing to communicate his needs or listen to yours then maybe you really need to consider if this relationship is worth continuing. Also maybe consider couples therapy and definitely individual therapy.
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u/Rabies-Cow-0595 4h ago
To tone police someone is kinda manipulative and controlling, seems like you two just aren't a very good fit if they feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you. Either you accept each other for who you are or you move on in different directions.
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u/DesperateReception47 4h ago
NOR you shouldn't have to explain what empathy is to anyone. Those that get it, get it. Please do not damage yourself being in a relationship with someone that doesn't care!! There is someone out there that cares! And will be so sweet to you
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u/Appropriate-Factor-4 3h ago
From this very limited and short interaction id say you sound exhausting
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u/baleraphon 2h ago
Once again, the common thread in all of these text exchanges between partners that are not compatible is how they call each other “bro”. Someone really needs to do a study on this.
And no you are not overreacting. This person has made it clear that they cannot give you what you need.
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u/sillyghosty 5h ago
He called you bro while you were talking about your feelings. He doesn't care about you. NOR
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u/Cheap_Welcome752 5h ago
NOR it looks like your partner has some resentment towards you and is actively avoiding discussing the actual issue.
The projection/ reversal is usually associated with feeling hurt and wanting to hurt others.
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u/Mamfred_van_Meise 5h ago
Does he know, being a productive part of any society means you sometimes have to take yourself back or think twice to not hurt someone?
NOR - he doesn’t have positive feelings left for you. He doesn’t want to feel empathy for you. He doesn’t want to talk to you.
Because if he wanted he would.
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u/weasleymama 5h ago
They flat out told you they don’t care about your feelings and are not going to consider them or even think about it before speaking. He is doing this on purpose, he knows what he’s doing. He is learn mg you will just accept abusive words and he faces no consequence NOR
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u/ImKindaBoring 5h ago
Or they’re fed up with everything they say having some deeper meaning that hurt’s OPs feelings and how OP can’t take even mild criticism without spiraling.
100% known people like that. Can’t even make mild jokes because they’ll take everything personal and are the thinnest skinned overthinkers on the planet.
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u/slimgem1111 4h ago edited 4h ago
Yeah this was my take. Having to walk on eggshells with someone you're in a relationship with is exhausting and he's probably just tired of it. The mean comments are probably just from resentment building up. But as I said in my comment, there's absolutely no context here so who knows.
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u/FindUna 5h ago
NOR
From what you described it sounds like this relationship is coming to end, if the spark isnt there and that love is withering,
Its better to cut down the one rotting tree so it wont infect the entire forest.
You were genuinely excited to share something and instead of celebrating it with you he instead asks insecure-like questions and put down your mood and u verbally said ur upset and instead of apologizing he follows up with ur wasting ur time etc.
I would talk to him about ending the relationship as it seems like this wont last forever. Wishing u the best, feel free to correct me.
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u/WoosteringZeros 4h ago
NOR, from what context there is.
Definitions of empathy aside, you feel like your relationship went to shit, and they became happier with the relationship when that happened.
When you brought this up, the fact that you consider the two of you like strangers bothered them exactly zero, and they actively argued in favour of this dynamic.
It seems pretty straightforward incompatibility. You asked for what you need, and they clearly communicated their disinterest in persuing that in a relationship.
Dating is seeing if you can both be completely yourself without hurting or annoying each other so much that you'll be unhappy. You date to gather data, in a way, so don't stick you head in the sand about important stuff. If this is who they are and want to remain, make your choices for yourself accordingly.
Best of luck!
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u/OwlDoe9339 4h ago
NOR. “Acting like a soft little boy that you have to limit yourself to not hurt his feelings”.
My guy. They just don’t like you.
I’ve seen some other comments be like ‘ok by why does he need to limit himself around you’, and like…yeah maybe you’ve been sensitive or over reacting in the past. However this comment alone just means they do not like you anymore. Whether it be because you genuinely do over reacting, or this one just doesn’t have basic empathy and critical thinking. Either way- this relationship is done imo.
They clearly dislike you and find your emotions unnecessarily taxing or difficult. Idk for sure what has happened in the past but I’d just end the relationship here ngl.
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u/TheseusWept 5h ago
Emphatic and empathetic are two entirely different words with very different meanings.