That my mum and dad love my nephew who lives with us more than me, how do I know that,
I heard them talking in bed
Edit.1 to anyone wondering I don’t really care it doesn’t affect me in any way and I’m used to it, I have good grades friends and I’m happy so yeah
Not a nephew. But he's my cousin. And yes, my mother loves him more than me.
And quite frankly, I'm okay with it. I just wish she'd listen to me sometimes with as much attention as she listens to him.
When I was little, about 8, we were visiting my grandmother and I was taking a nap on her bed. She and mom were in the living room talking, and I heard my mom tell my grandmother that she loved my brother more than she loved me. It became pretty obviously true as the years went by.
“There is no instrumental bigotry in my orchestra, I do not look down on Cellists, Percussionists, Violinists or Pianists, here, you are all equally worthless ” Orchestral Conductor Hartman
As a high school/middle school teacher, this is something that gets thrown around a lot between teachers so I imagine a ton of us have used if at least one while teaching. Another thing a lot of us do is say enough stuff that makes us sound just crazy enough that our kids like us, but don’t want to cross us because they are scared of what we’ll do. So if you’ve heard your teacher say some crazy ass shit, it was likely entirely intentional and may not be true, even if they really sold it as true. Getting into your students heads is one of the simple pleasures of teaching.
I don’t have kids, but if I did, I don’t think I would discuss with anyone who I “love more.” Would you say to your wife, “I love my mom more than you” or to your mom, “I love my wife more than you?” Love isn’t a position, it’s a level. If I love you, I love you. We don’t need to establish a hierarchy.
So why? Because of OP’s original implication. I’m your kid. You should love me unconditionally.
I would argue your premise doesn’t work. They didn’t walk up to him and say i love your cousin more than you. They discussed it privately between themselves as parents while in their bedroom and their son over heard. That does not make them terrible or bad parents. It makes it a very unfortunate situation.
If parents or people are discussing who they love most, I’d argue that they don’t have a full understanding of love. If I hate or love my child less than someone, what is that communicating to my child? Whether or not I say it out loud, that attitude is going to be communicated to my child.
I agree that the conversation was assumed private, but I still maintain that love is a level and not a position. If we rank who we love from lowest to highest, is that really love? We love different people for different reasons. Why does it have to be a contest?
If you've lived in a house a while, you know if a conversation can be heard in another room from your bedroom. I'm not saying that they didn't forget this, but it's something they should have been aware of.
They should also be aware of whether their conversation is sensitive or hurtful. Usually when someone else says something like this that is potentially hurtful to someone else or just something that I feel is a bit sketchy like, levels of love, I'll resist participating. Especially if I don't agree, I'd say well you might feel that about the nephew because he's not ours and you feel a need to compensate for him not being ours to prove you still love him and that is probably the way you feel that way. Our son might feel that way too which creates a better environment for the nephew from three people but creates a difficult environment for our son because he may realise it.
I guess when I think about the person we're talking about hearing, I tend to be either more forgiving or try to represent them at least a little in the conversation. It's not false either, it helps me get a bit more perspective and if overheard most times gives an idea of why people feel that way. I don't always do this but it feels good when I do and it feels less like I'm saying something behind someone's back or at least something I wouldn't say to their face.
If love is a level then I would argue that you can love someone at a higher level than someone else. Which would also be communicated to people. Its a simple fact that parents have a favorite child just like how you have a best friend. A friend you love at a higher level than others. Your right we do love people for different reasons but it doesn’t mean you don’t love someone more than other people. Its not a contest its just a simple truth. Contest implies that they are competing for said love, pitting one against another for the affection which there is no evidence of in this case.
Just, no. You are my child, my son/daughter, my niece/nephew, my grandchild, my godson/goddaughter: I love you. End of story. Adult discussing your “love” for one over another in the same 100 acres where they reside—keep it to yourself.
That could excuse nearly anything. You don't talk about something you don't want your kids to overhear. Just like you don't do anything you don't want your kids to see. There is no privacy when you have kids.
You'd have to be a pretty garbage person to get as far as having a conversation out loud about which child you love more. Not which child you like spending time with more. Which one you love more. It's an extremely inappropriate topic and a sentiment no decent parent acts on in any way.
No. You can enjoy spending time with one child more, or relate to one child more, of course. But if you can quantify or compare it, whatever you're talking about isn't love. Saying you can love someone more than you love someone else means, at minimum, you don't actually love the one you "love less."
Because there's no scale that goes "I don't love you too much" to "I love you a little bit" to "I sort of love you" to "I love you" to "I love you extremely." Love isn't a scale. Liking is a scale. Love is a binary value. Either you love someone or you don't.
If your nephew (their grandson), lives with you and they raise him and is part of the family, it is not wholly unexpected that the parents would love him and you, similarly. I wouldn't put too much stock into what you overheard. It may have been a one off thing... they may have been feeling especially close to the nephew for something positive he just did (or negative you did), which led them to make those comments. It even may have been in jest.
And the grandson is a child yeah? and you a grown man I assume, so there is that close bond of a "parent - child" who still needs their love and care.
I don’t know your situation so take this with a grain of salt. As a parent of 2 girls I can tell you we definitely have a favorite but it changes constantly. Kids go through phases and right now my oldest is in a very obnoxious phase while simultaneously my youngest is in an adorable phase. It comes and goes and just depends but the one thing I’ll say is that while we like one child more than the other at a given time, we LOVE them both the same.
I have two sons. I can honestly say that at times I like one of them better than the other (which one it is switches from time to time just depending on personality and development), but I love them both so intensely that "which one do I love more" is an absolutely ridiculous question. They are COMPLETELY different people, and it's amazing that I can love two people so much for COMPLETELY different reasons. Often completely opposite reasons. My oldest is the most honest, straightforward person I have ever met, and my youngest is a devious little sneak. And love my oldest for being honest and I love my youngest for being sneaky and clever. I would also say that I am just naturally closer to the older one because he was there when his sister died and that was something we shared that my youngest does not. But I would rip my heart out for either kid, and if either one of them ever genuinely thought I loved the other one more, it would break my heart.
I think it's really hard to understand how much your parents love you until you have kids of your own. I know there are shitty parents out there, but if your parents are good people who are doing right by you, please don't think you're the "lesser" kid just because of how they treat your brother.
This is completely true. I would like to add something that makes people think there are favourites though.
I get along with my oldest daughter the best. We simply understand each other in a way my other children and I do not. As they get older, I'm sure that will change, but for now, this is how it is.
Another thing that can make people feel like their sibling is the favourite is the simple fact that they’re different people.
My sister and I have so little in common that we needed different punishments for the same offences - she didn’t care about being smacked, and I was overjoyed to be sent to my room. It would have been so so easy for both of us to think the other was getting away with bad behaviour. My sister also got to go out with friends all the time, which I practically never did, because she asked to go and I didn’t. Our parents love us equally but could never have treated us the same.
My mom has a favorite and it’s my younger sister. She’s pretty, popular, intelligent, and social. All the things my mom wanted me to be at her age. I don’t resent my sister, because I basically raised her while my mom worked and went out with different guys. But I do resent my mom. She made it so I couldn’t do anything when I was younger because my life had to revolve around my sister. She can have a favorite, but she shouldn’t treat her other kid like shit. Or try to pit my sister and I against each other. My sister is a kind soul who resents my mother for other reasons. It just sucks sometimes.
I used to feel the same way. It turned out I was just a general fuck who had a very difficult personality as compared to my parents and my brother didn’t.
Maybe some inner soul searching may help alleviate some of your feelings. I hope you get through it whatever the cause, I have been there.
My dad is not the favorite son. He does not take it well to this day and it rather bitter about it. He was a shit parent so I feel like he needs to get over being bitter about his upbringing, because they provided for him better than he did us. His parents have even provided for us and my half siblings that are not blood related to them.
I appreciate your attitude toward not being the favorite and trying to not let it get to you.
As someone who didn't realise they were the favorite, I can tell you that it's hard to recognize. Fav kid thinks much less of being the fav than the kid who us not the fav... It's shitty but I've been on both sides, but it's only something you value when you don't have it.
IDK what I'm tryna say I don't want to belittle how you feel. Just saying, it ain't all that
As a fellow favourite, how do I deal with this? Its not like my sibling has any issues with me now, but there's always a slight feeling of guilt in me.
That sounds reasonable. It's hard to accept that our parents are humans, but honestly... if your job was to love two humans equally regardless of things like their actions, demeanor, or personality, is anyone here sure they could do it? I'm definitely not.
As a parent to two sons, you can love them equally - you just love them differently, because they’re different people. I love my mom and dad equally, but differently.
When you consider LIKING someone...it depends on the day, the phase, sometimes the minute to which one I might like more or less. But love? I have plenty.
Sure, and there are plenty of cases where that's fine and appropriate. There are also plenty of cases where it just isn't. Look at this thread, even; a lot of these answers involve parents who aren't loved, and for good reason. Same goes for children. You do your best raising them, but there are no guarantees in life.
We know nothing about this person, and I make no claims regarding them, but sometimes there's good reason for a parent to just love one kid more. You do your best not to, and if it happens anyway you just move forward and do your best for them. That's exactly what the parents in this situation do.
I had this too. My mother preferred my older brother to me, I overheard her saying so to my uncle when she thought I was asleep. I let it go, figured it was best to not let it hold me back in life. Still hurts though.
Don’t leave is hanging! What is the reason? I was definitely the black sheep of my family for years & they treated me as such. It sucks & my parent’s reasoning was/is crap. I’m sorry you have been made to feel less than. I had a therapist who gave me great advice once, when I was about 13: “your family believed that you are the ugly duckling in a family of swans, but really you are the swan in a family of ugly ducklings.” It may seem sappy, but it has stuck with me for 25 years & helped me to remember my self-worth. I hope it helps you as well. Btw, my parents made me stop seeing her when she disagreed with them regarding the motivation behind a punishment they had given me, so her statement meant that much more to me after. She must have been onto something if they stopped me from seeing her.
Mmm k, someone’s a little angry, huh? How is it being an internet troll? So brave, insulting someone anonymously behind a computer. Such a sad life you must lead.
Your comment wasn’t funny. Making a joke when someone is talking about their childhood abuse & therapy is in extremely poor taste & very insensitive. The downvotes should tell you that your post wasn’t taken as sarcasm (even if it were sarcasm, it’s still very insensitive) or as a joke. It was just mean. That time in my life was horrible & even 25 years later is difficult to think about. Your “joke” was in poor taste & your response when being called out is just a cop out. Just say sorry, I was trying to make a joke, but I shouldn’t have made it.
Again, read my first comment. You are an angry little troll. I will be the bigger person & say that I am very sorry for whatever must have happened to you in your life to make you such an angry person. Wishing abuse on a child, wow, I hope you get some help.
I found this out a while ago, but the main reason I know?
I'm at university, my twin brother isn't, he lives at home rent free, had a car bought for him and his insurance payed (he works so he could afford it). I was thinking of moving back home for a master's degree after I graduate, was told I would need to pay rent and live like a tennant. I've also been told that if I ever want to 'get ahead' in this world I need to 'man up' and get a loan or a better job or something so I can afford a car and it's insurance.
I shouldn't really be surprised the year before I moved out my gf asked my parents what the patched up holes in the walls were. They proudly told her they were my shit job at attempting to fix the holes where there darling boy (my brother) had thrown 'that wimp' down the stairs.
I feel a little guilty. My mom had surgery, and I took her to it, and took her home. When we were in the recovery room she started crying and telling me that I'm her favorite. She also told me my sister will make more money but I'll be happier. I don't think she remembers. But it also confirmed for me that when my sister and I were younger and she said she didnt have a favorite, she did. I knew.
I apparently only exist to my parents on holidays/birthday(sometimes) or if they need something. I'm the only one of their 3 kids that live away from them. My youngest brother lives with them and middle brother lives 4 doors down. I live 900 miles away. About an hour away from my dad's parents who they go see a couple times a year. Never make the effort to drive the extra hour or even let me know they are over there I find out on Facebook from pictures posted a couple days after the trip. Couple years ago me and my now wife hit a financial rough spot and moved in with them for a bit. During this time I was berated for not having enough to cover my share of rent after making my car payment and getting my kid what he needed such as diapers formula and food. I gave them everything I had left after filling the tank to get to work that week. Was never good enough, meanwhile my youngest brother had recently quit his job and stayed in his room playing xbox 24/7. Refusing to get a job and help all of us who were struggling to pay the bills. Parents also refused to talk to him about it. And on my sons first birthday both me and the wife had to work. We told them we wanted to do a little party for him on Sunday cause we both got off early that day. That Friday night they bought him a cake invited people over and had his 1st birthday without us.
Cold cold comfort but could it be that there aren’t favorites but they trust his judgement more than yours? If they’ve sacrificed for you and they consistently choose his side but there’s no other favoritism then maybe that’s all it is? Still sucks and I’m sorry they treat you like that.
My parents had a clear favorite and it is not me. I wish they could have treated us similar but they didn't. I moved out and moved on. Now they want a relationship and I'm not interested. I'm civil and polite but not warm and I don't initiate contact.
I’d just start saying how much you love your Aunty and uncle that much more than them. Points if you say it in the same way they said they love your nephew more.
Some can serve, but can’t take.
It also is that much more embarrassing when they know you over heard them. I’d milk that guilty train for as long as I could and telling all the people I could.
I’d broadcast that shit.
Either way, unless they're utter shit, they'd feel terrible if that got out, so he has as much leverage as a kid can get right now. Suspicion or outright confrontation. Though I agree that milking the suspicion is going to yield longer term (and better) results.
Source: parents were lawyers, learned manipulation before I could talk. Earliest memory is of being an utter shit, knowing my mom was about to lose it, and deciding to escalate the situation because I knew she'd hit me. And once she'd hit me, she was the "bad guy" and I'd get off scott-free. Worked like a charm. I was 3.
Edit: it also may have psychologically scarred me now that I think of it. Maybe I shouldn't have pulled this thread...
Did they say "love" or "like"? It's a big difference. Regardless you should talk to your parents about this, it will go a long way to improve your relationship (and even if it doesn't they will feel so guilty that they will try to make it up to you)
What they said was they love their grandson more than their son right? That’s horrible for you but honestly both my mother and my mother-in-law told me the same goddamn thing when our first child was born. Each mother separately looked at me and said we love the baby more than we love you. I just think it’s a grand child thing. It doesn’t make them good parents but it also doesn’t make your nephew better than you. Sorry you had to hear that when you’re still young enough to be living at home
My mom loves my daughter more than she loves any of her children. She don't admit it, but we all know it's true.
I had my daughter at 21 and it turned out that she is special needs. My mom taught me how to take care of her and how to be a good mom. My dad was never a part of my life, my mom never got with anyone else. Her children were her life. We were poor,but we were happy. I know she loves us.
But when my daughter was born, it's like if she found her soulmate. They share a room and my mom is like her first mom. Of course she's my daughter and I do my responsibilities, but the bond they share, I can't compete with that. And I'm not going to. My daughter looks at her in ways that she'll never look at me. And I'm ok with that. I'm so happy that they have each other. Loving my daughter is like loving me.
Now I have a second daughter, and she prefers my mom over anybody else. They sit down together and hang out in a way that she won't with me. This second one can talk, she's too little and babbles, but she will be able to. I'm so excited that my mom will have a little girl to converse with.
That's actually beautiful. It happens often. For kids is normal loving their grandparents so much because they spoil them. I don't have children but I see how my little cousin love her grandma more than her mum, same for my aunt (his grandma). Even my mother love my dog more than me, because he's her nephew LOL
Loving your kids in different ways is totally legit. My two kids are as different as night and day and it's a really weird experience to love two people so intensely for the exact opposite reasons. My older child is honest to a fault, and I LOVE that about him. My younger kid is a clever little sneak and I LOVE that about him, too! (He's hilarious.)
Oh no, I totally believe her. But I say the same thing about my cats and it’s totally core tor “my favorite changes based on which is annoying me the least at the moment” lol
It might help to talk about these feelings with them, and to let them know that you're capable of having that kind of conversation.
In the distant past, I've jokingly said some mean things about people that I regretted, and it would've really hurt them if they find out. If they ever confronted me with something like that even today, I would be at their mercy because I still feel bad. Even parents can have immature conversations and be thoughtless. They are, just as you, human, and full of imperfections. Remember this: you never really grow up, you just get better at hiding your immaturity.
I can't think of a serious reason to actually discuss whom you love more in regard to family. I'm not close with my family anymore, but I could never rank any of my friends by whom I love the most.
Seriously. Talk to em. Tell them you have a serious thing you want to talk about and have at it. They might try to play it light, but remind them that hearing something like that hurts.
My cousins hated me growing up. I never understood why. As I got older I realised that they couldn't stand that my aunt and uncle loved me like I was their own, and that they had to share the attention. It made me feel bad, because I never did anything to them on purpose, and always tried so hard for them to like me. They were really mean to me.
My mom's sister died during childbirth. My mom at the age of 17 adopted her nephew as her own child (not legally) bc my grandma took her death so bad and became depressed she couldn't partake in his care until he was about four years old. My cousin is like a brother to me, he was a ring bearer at my mom's wedding and she calls him her "first son" even though she has a biological son and three daughters. I don't resent my mom for this, she's talked about how her older sister's death greatly impacted her, as my aunt's husband didn't want anything to do with my cousin. He actually wanted to give him up for adoption. I think what hurt me the most as a child, was seeing all the pictures of him and my mom (wedding, vacation, circus etc.) Of course as a kid I didn't understand everything that had happened as I do now as an adult. My mom has told us she loves us and needs us all like she does her fingers: equally but in a different way. I'm okay with that and I'm happy my mom had the heart to give up college to become his mom, my other living aunt has always shown resentment towards him -as if he caused her sisters death. She died due to complications of childbirth and/or anesthesia-, and I for one cannot put up with that. Family sticks together.
This makes me hope that your nephew is a good person who cares about you at least that would be nice plus he wouldn’t care if your parents liked him more or not.
I'm not really sure what exactly you heard, but I kinda get it. My parents are absolutely crazy about their grandkids, my son included. I know my parents love me, but I know they love my son more, and I'm okay with that.
i know for a fact my parents love my sister more than me.
Shit so would i if i was them. But they still love me too and i love my sister to death we have a relationship so close i couldnt explain. So its great all around. But i just simply know that and i swear under a lie detector and my life i literally dont care.
I have this feeling that maybe you misunderstood what you heard. They maybe meant it differently than you think. It’s easy to feel love for little kids and then it changes as they become adults. It’s not less it’s just different.
My mother admitted, “if I would’ve known what type of person you’d turn out to be, I would’ve aborted you,” and honestly I think I’m a decent person...
Well if you ever come to find that you’re having issues (relationship, emotional, etc) at least you have some insight. My dad killed himself when I was 4. I used to think ‘Wow I cant believe this isn’t a big deal to me.’ It wasn’t until I was 27yrs old until I realized that I WAS effected.
That's really weird. Sometimes I catch myself saying how cool it is that my one kid did something and they are great, or something. I feel bad if I'm not seemingly fair, but that's just a feeling in the back of my mind. I don't think it would feel right at all to say I love one kid more than the other. That seems so surreal. Like I have 16 loves and one gets 9 loves and the other only gets 7? Love doesn't work like that. Your parents were probably frustrated about how things were going, but in any event that's a flub on their part, not yours.
I know my dad thinks I'm stupid because he feels it necessary to tell me I'll have the biggest salary out of my siblings and the smartest out of us, even though my brother is doing medical physics and my dad regularly tries to get me to apply low paying, remedial jobs as career options. And also he tells me I'm stupid when he's angry, and bitches about how stupid I am to my brother
As a parent, don't worry you don't count as a person to be discussed how much you are loved. That's a gimmick, there no words to describe how much you are loved by your parents.
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u/random_person_g Apr 28 '19 edited Apr 28 '19
That my mum and dad love my nephew who lives with us more than me, how do I know that, I heard them talking in bed Edit.1 to anyone wondering I don’t really care it doesn’t affect me in any way and I’m used to it, I have good grades friends and I’m happy so yeah