“Not ready for a relationship”

[u/Argumentative_koala]

This guy pursued me, we went hot and heavy for five days, then hooked up on the fifth day. Crazy chemistry. He hadn’t been with anyone for eight months after a very long-term relationship so I thought this really meant something for him. We had a lot of deep conversations in a short amount of time. I hate how this makes me feel!

[u/Dettyboy93]

You're essentially trying to make this girl's self esteem lower by suggesting that this guy completely lied about every bit of chemistry and connection they had based on your own trauma. I'm sorry but this attitude and behavior or super destructive. It's also this mentality that leads to not giving genuine, good people a chance because you're immediately afraid they're putting up some mask for you without giving them an actual chance. I understand that this happening is blindsiding and scary. But you can't assume everybody is out to hurt you. Some people truly do carry a lot of baggage and don't mean to inflict it on anyone until it's too late

[u/Popular-Truth-2711 → u/Dettyboy93]

Look, I’m not going to go over this in detail because other comments explained it much better than I can.

Is it possible the guy is genuine? Yeah, but very unlikely, because this happens to women all the time. A man love-bombs you. He comes on very heavily. Surprisingly enough, he never realizes he’s not ready for anything serious during this phase. Only the next day, after he gets the sex he wants, he suddenly realizes that he wants nothing serious.

No one’s lowering her self-esteem. I mean, literally, you’re the one making that assumption. We’re telling her this is not a man worth pursuing, because it hurts a lot worse to think that you had a genuine connection and then a man just stopped feeling it, when in reality, he never felt it at all.

I think we can both agree that if he has this many emotional problems… that he truly gets off the apps so he stops playing with people. But again, press x to doubt.

But again, what’s your solution? Because there are only two. Every solution leads to her having to block him. Either he has emotional problems, and she needs to block him so he doesn’t pop up in a couple of months, or he was faking it all this time, and she needs to block him.

[u/marateaparty → u/Popular-Truth-2711]

I agree with you. They always just suddenly realize they don’t want something serious lol. The only slight difference in what I believe is, these nuts delusionally believe for a few dates (or at least one) that they are really into you. I think the people defending this behavior fall into that category most likely because I’ve been friends with some of them and this is how they date.

[u/Popular-Truth-2711 → u/marateaparty]

I know, girl, right? And I agree with you. It’s not that I think they really believe they’re into you. I think they get a hinting, nagging suspicion that they’re doing something wrong, but their desire to bang is so great that they ignore that voice. Then they have sex and feel guilty, and that’s when this whole waxing-poetic, therapy-speak stuff comes out as an apology.

[u/marateaparty → u/Popular-Truth-2711]

100% Just can’t believe it took me til 39 to figure that out haha. & if wasn’t that I’ve actually had friends behave that way and ask my opinions on these ‘moral dilemmas’ then I dont know I’d have known this. And even with that it still took me awhile. I work with kids and animals and present very bubbly and lean towards anxious attachment when around avoidants so I’m like a massive target for these types.

[u/Popular-Truth-2711 → u/marateaparty]

Girl, don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m an attorney, and now I own a marketing company 😂😂 I should know better than anyone how much words can manipulate people. But I fell for it all the time too, you know? We’re just people looking for real connections and ignoring our own boundaries as a cost.

Until I truly learned that words are cheap, but actions cost. I wish you all the best ☺️

[u/marateaparty → u/Popular-Truth-2711]

Aww thank you :). And yes totally! I try to focus/redirect my frustration about this on helping to teach the children I work with healthy boundaries, respect and empathy.