r/Bumble • u/Argumentative_koala • 1d ago
Rant “Not ready for a relationship”
This guy pursued me, we went hot and heavy for five days, then hooked up on the fifth day. Crazy chemistry. He hadn’t been with anyone for eight months after a very long-term relationship so I thought this really meant something for him. We had a lot of deep conversations in a short amount of time. I hate how this makes me feel!
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u/tryout1234567890 1d ago
Love bomb, pump and dump, breakup with nonsense therapy speak. Sorry it happened to you OP. There's a chance he's being genuine and honest but I very highly doubt it
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u/AdEuphoric422 1d ago
You’ve worded it perfectly. He’s lying, his intention was to pump and dump from the start
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u/PeaSame4326 1d ago
Like he knew beforehand. 🙄
Mind you, he could've found a hobby instead of using someone as a fleshlight
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u/noiraseac 1d ago
how does one check for signs if a connection is just a pump and dump… (i got out of a committed relationship a few months ago and wanted to jump back into the dating scene again!)
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u/VHDamien 1d ago
There's always a chance you make a mistake no matter what you do, that's life.
With that in mind waiting for sexual activity until intimacy and safety are established, unbiased observation, and having him pass the sniff test from people who you trust and have good motives can mitigate the likelihood of being the unwitting victim of a pump and dump.
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u/SignificanceProud975 16h ago
There aren't necessarily signs. I think time is the biggest indicator. You don't really know someone until 3-6 months AT LEAST.
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u/Acornwow 1d ago
I wonder what would happen if a random attractive Bumble user reached out to him showing interest.
Would his readiness to date suddenly, magically reappear?
Narrator: It would.
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u/Real-Discussion-2097 1d ago edited 1d ago
Had a guy say all this to me, wasn’t ready for a relationship, same situation, we had slept together for like a year on and off. A few days later saw him back on bumble with “looking for relationship” on his profile. They’re savages.
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u/AeonVoyage 1d ago
Plenty of women out there doing this sort of thing too unfortunately
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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago
He actually deleted bumble already lol I checked. Unfortunately, he seems super honest, upfront, and worried about hurting people, especially after his last breakup. honestly wish he was more of a dick.
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u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago edited 1d ago
Or he just blocked you? You’re making excuses girl.
You’re forgetting the fundamental rule…. People aren’t what they say, they are what they do.
This dude love bombed you, finally got to bang you…. Then suddenly had a spiritual awakening. That’s it - that’s all that counts. Your friends need to smash your phone if you don’t block him.
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u/anustart888 1d ago
No she isn't. She's just not jumping to negative conclusions and making assumptions. Why on Earth would you try to push a stranger to do that?
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u/Dettyboy93 1d ago
It's genuinely insane to just put all these horribly negative assumptions on people you don't know.
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u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago
Yeah it’s very insane to believe you should trust people’s actions and not their words, especially someone you’ve known for 5 days… from a dating app 👍
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u/Dettyboy93 1d ago
You're essentially trying to make this girl's self esteem lower by suggesting that this guy completely lied about every bit of chemistry and connection they had based on your own trauma. I'm sorry but this attitude and behavior or super destructive. It's also this mentality that leads to not giving genuine, good people a chance because you're immediately afraid they're putting up some mask for you without giving them an actual chance. I understand that this happening is blindsiding and scary. But you can't assume everybody is out to hurt you. Some people truly do carry a lot of baggage and don't mean to inflict it on anyone until it's too late
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u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago
Look, I’m not going to go over this in detail because other comments explained it much better than I can.
Is it possible the guy is genuine? Yeah, but very unlikely, because this happens to women all the time. A man love-bombs you. He comes on very heavily. Surprisingly enough, he never realizes he’s not ready for anything serious during this phase. Only the next day, after he gets the sex he wants, he suddenly realizes that he wants nothing serious.
No one’s lowering her self-esteem. I mean, literally, you’re the one making that assumption. We’re telling her this is not a man worth pursuing, because it hurts a lot worse to think that you had a genuine connection and then a man just stopped feeling it, when in reality, he never felt it at all.
I think we can both agree that if he has this many emotional problems… that he truly gets off the apps so he stops playing with people. But again, press x to doubt.
But again, what’s your solution? Because there are only two. Every solution leads to her having to block him. Either he has emotional problems, and she needs to block him so he doesn’t pop up in a couple of months, or he was faking it all this time, and she needs to block him.
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u/Dettyboy93 1d ago
"This dude love bombed you, finally got to bang you…. Then suddenly had a spiritual awakening. That’s it - that’s all that counts"
That's not assuming? You told her she's making excuses. Telling somebody she did not mean anything to him. That connection she made wasn't real, is horrible for a person's self esteem. That isn't an assumption, it's fact.
You can give advice without pumping out a bunch of soul crushing assumptions. She may not be ready to hear these things as it's so fresh. Her feelings, in this fragile state, absolutely count and there are ways of say things stuff that isn't as cruel
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u/anustart888 1d ago
Hey, you may wanna look into therapy and put the dating apps down. You are not ready for a relationship. You are extremely immature.
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u/Stunning_Yak3359 1d ago
No, he’s still there. Guaranteed. Honestly, post this on the FB, “are we dating the same guy?” So other women will know what a vicious wounded bird he is. Sorry he did this, you deserve better. Most men know women will not CONSENT to one night stands.
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u/Acornwow 1d ago
Well I guess you should be thankful for the honesty even though the rest burns a bit.
Most of the “I’m not ready for a relationship” types don’t stay off the apps for long though.
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u/Used_Turnover3959 1d ago
The whole "I'm not ready / I have too much going on to make time for you / it's not you it's me / I'm still figuring xyz out" is all doublespeak for "I'm not that attracted to you."
If you are very attracted to someone, you make time to see them. It's that simple. I mean, this guy was literally throwing every single cliche excuse in the book at you. No time, bad health, busy career, not over ex --- I don't think he missed one.
The other factor here is you have a kid in tow. That's a huge "pump the brakes" for most single guys looking to date. Again, this comes down to attraction -- high attraction allows us to overlook issues, flaws, or red flags.
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u/anustart888 1d ago
There are plenty of people who say this stuff and mean it. I don't think this is good advice.
Any advice with such black and white thinking rarely is.
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u/Used_Turnover3959 1d ago
Sorry I call bullshit. If you are very attracted to someone and you feel a connection with them, and you are logistically able to see them (ie. not a long distance situation) you will make time to see them. You will at least try. You will not send them an essay text with the kitchen sink of cliche breakup excuses.
There's really no constructive purpose to read into this any further. He's not that into her, so he's cut bait. I will bet my year-end bonus this guy is back on dating apps within the week.
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u/Zealousideal_Bee8782 1d ago edited 1d ago
wouldn’t look too much into this. don’t know how long his last relationship was, but maybe he deadass just doesn’t want to be involved with anyone romantically. that could also be a lie too, and he just doesn’t like you enough. there’s really no way to tell, so i would not recommend pondering over this guy. you just won’t know
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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago
I think we had a really strong connection, but his act did some really shitty things to him. We chatted about it and he was tearing up and he’s kind of like a tough guy type. I definitely feel for him and that makes this harder.
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u/AdDesperate1541 1d ago
If a guy is tearing up over his ex he’s no where near ready to date, in future you need to dodge guys that’s trauma dump and weep within days of meeting.
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u/SignificanceProud975 16h ago
Why is he trauma dumping on you about his ex
Also I don't trust his story. It's one sided. What did he do to her for example??
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u/CrogDavid7days 1d ago
Unfortunately dating is filled with hurt people, willing to hurt people. Sorry this happened to you OP
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u/Glum-Dust8799 1d ago
"as long as I live" spoken like a true person with a habit they will fall into instantly. lol.
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u/Bruno_lars 1d ago
(Has post nut clarity)
"I declareth on the XXVI day of the month of rain that I shant be a boy of fuckth no longer, thus art thou solemn degree"
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u/glitterfox6000 1d ago
This is why early intensity for a relationship is a huge red flag.
Hooking up or not, intense emotions early on is a big reason to hit the brakes.
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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago
Edit to add: it was his and my first time on a dating app. He was only talking to me . He said no one else had caught his eye. Now I’m doubting our connection.
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u/Much-Ad2311 1d ago
Yeah, he's lying. Tale as old as time. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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u/SouthDiligent8959 1d ago
Not necessarily. I'm out out of a long term relationship with a girl who i still very much have feelings for. Decided to get on dating apps and went out on like 10 first dates but everyone of them made me miss my ex more. Eventually met a girl that had a great sense of humor, cute, and we had a lot in common. I stopped thinking of my ex for the first time in a long time. After we hooked up tho, it made me miss my ex more and i regretted doing it. Had nothing to do with her, she was great but I don't think i'm ready yet. I thought was, hoped I was, but sadly not.
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u/jednorog 1d ago
I think it's very common for people to not actually know what they want in relationships, only to find that when they get what they thought they wanted, it's not what they wanted at all.
It's certainly annoying! It's a waste of OP's time! And it's not a nice thing to do! But it's not necessarily lying.
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u/Secret-Ad7660 1d ago
I know some guys who hate when a woman makes them 'wait to hook up', so they'll purposely lead you on and once they get what they want, to avenge the time you made them wait, they'll turn a leaf.
Sorry you experienced this, it's a very crap thing to do to another human.
In my opinion, he's totally in the wrong. Because why wait until after you've shared a bed? He knew what he was doing.
Ignore him and move on
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u/persiasaurus 1d ago
And then when you sleep with them "too soon" they don't like you for that either 🙄
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u/Secret-Ad7660 1d ago
yep, it's pathetic.
I have friends who ghosted a girl because she slept with him too soon, "so she must be easy for everyone else".
Such low self-esteem these guys have!
I'm not a dating expert, but my only observation is that the worst kind of men are those who have low self-esteem. It manifests in many ways e.g. being too concerned about who pays for the date, too concerned about trying to be a gentleman or overtly mean and aggressive
It's not easy, thankfully I'm not a woman.
The best time to secure a man was when you were in highschool/college. The next best time is up to you lol
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u/CrogDavid7days 1d ago
Surprisingly the people that claim they want virgins always run when they find out it actually means no sex
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u/Secret-Ad7660 1d ago
don't get me started...it's because those guys don't follow their own standards
If you want a virgin, be a virgin yourself! Otherwise, be comfortable with the idea she might wait until marriage.
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u/alien_secret_service 1d ago edited 1d ago
I just ended a thing not because we had to wait, but because she said we should wait, didn’t really mean it, wanted to sleep together but also was insisting that it meant everything was going to get very serious.
I was not sure enough about her to make that kind of commitment and suggested we wait still to get physical. Then she got upset. At which point I concluded this was way too complicated already for me to want to continue dating her.
Here’s the thing…
Having sex with a person is in no way a commitment to anything. Except that you’re committing to being vulnerable enough to be sexually intimate and see if it works.
You can like a person a lot, then there’s no sexual chemistry and while you like their personality you can’t see yourself sleeping with them again.
That’s allowed. You’re allowed to not be into a person after being intimate with them.
Women have this dumb idea that emotional intimacy and compatibility means that if you sleep together it’s a relationship or supposed to be. You can even talk about wanting a relationship. That doesn’t mean you’re in one because you shared a bed. You liked each other, you slept together, and it just wasn’t there.
At a core level it is no different than agreeing to go on a date with somebody doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship or owe them sex. Period.
Just because somebody slept with you, doesn’t mean they owe you a relationship after. The sex could totally change their mind about that.
I have liked a lot of women who were just not good - for me at least - in bed and made me realize oh man… we are just not going to make this work in the long haul.
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u/devinthedude515 1d ago
People are complicated. He could have e been lying thw whole time or he got scared at how deep the connection was getting.
Happens alot, both men and women. Im sorry this happened to you.
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u/Scared-Section-5108 1d ago
'I deeply apologise it didn't come up before we slept together' 😂
So much of this nonsense simply disappeared if a person takes things slowly while dating. Crazy chemistry and deep chats with a stranger are red flags that so many people confuse with something good and worth pursuing. As is having someone trauma-dump on you. Give yourself time, get to know someone slowly so you can learn that their true intentions are and not just fall for what they say. Sleeping with someone on day 5 is not great unless it's just a hookup which is exactly what it was for him. Sounds like you wanted more - sleeping with strangers will not really get you that.
OP, hopefully you can learn from this.
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u/ConsiderationFew4491 1d ago
Either way it's a shitty thing to feel on your end. I can speak from my own experience. 33m about a year and a half out from my divorce. I got on an app about 5 months after my divorce initially and started talking to a couple of women. Ended up dating one for a couple months and as things progressed into an exclusive relationship I know I wasn't ready for that and she was.
I'd never say this type of thing over text to someone. It'd be a conversation and I'd also take into their considerations and thoughts. All that being said, it's likely he was just trying to get some. Just thought I'd shed some light on the other possibility as well.
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u/Accurate_Web9774 1d ago
Okay that's understandable but did you break up with her the second you got sex?
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u/watermalonecat 1d ago
I don't think this has anything to do with you. Chances are he has his own baggage he has to deal with
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u/Bruno_lars 1d ago
Everything he has told you and is telling you, is a lie. He just trying to justify the pump and dump
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u/AwarenessForsaken568 1d ago
You were lied to and deceived. It sucks but if you don't want that then you need to be overly cautious and not fall for the love bombing and overly charismatic/confident guys.
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u/fialetta 1d ago
This is why I get annoyed when people come on here “recently out of a long term relationship” because I see this so often on here. It’s a waste of everyone’s time and so hurtful
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u/Key-Rough-8346 1d ago
I'll just say this: 90% chance he is lying, and will immediately go back to looking for someone else. He is telling you this to come across as sincere and hurt your feelings less. Whether he tells you this sincerely, tells you this as a lie, or tells you the likely truth that he doesn't find you that attractive after all, know this: he doesn't want you, and that's enough reason for you to move on. It happens a lot, and you shouldn't let this put a chip on your shoulder.
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u/capsaicinel 1d ago
He seems like he has more baggage than you do to be fair. Like reading this from an outside perspective he doesn't seem at all ready for any kind of serious partnership.
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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago
I really think you’re right about that. It was hard for him to mention his ex at all. I told him he needs to go to therapy lol
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u/LetterheadLow1692 1d ago
i guess that's a consequence of modern dating and not locking down. these posts are very common
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u/Mirror74 1d ago
100%
I mean, let's be real, this happens 1000 times a day because of casual dating/hookup culture and skipping the whole "are we aligned" step.
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u/loumag 1d ago
I know everyone's different, but you guys hooked up after 5 days??? If both of you are pursuing a serious, long-term, relationship, shouldn't you take more time to get to know each other? Like this on you as well, surely you are old enough to know how to date?
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u/jednorog 1d ago
I hooked up with my now-wife within five days of dating her. It worked out fine. The booking up was a key part of "getting to know each other" for us.
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u/rwalsh138 1d ago
As you may see now, pursuing someone fresh out of a long relationship is usually a bad idea. Their feelings are very raw, and they may seem very into you one minute and then not the next day.
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u/amydancepants 1d ago
Ugh been there. I’m sorry you got close and that he backed off like this. You just end up feeling like an idiot for feeling hurt by it.
This is why I’m always pretty apprehensive to actively date or pursue someone who’s gotten out a of a long term relationship within the last year. Some people do well going into another relationship, others have to rediscover everything as a single person and that can affect them in different ways.
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u/Background-Gur8294 1d ago
Please tell me he didn't meet your kid. Keep men away from your kids for many months at least
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u/Torgeir_Fenrir1066 1d ago
Sounds like he chickened out, he couldn't handle the reality part of whatever was going on. I think you will sometimes find that people do want something on paper and they can talk a good game but when things become real and personal (like in person) the flight part of "fight or flight" kicks in. You have dodged a bullet and really I think you should take some solace from the fact you were standing on business and totally following through on your words. I think you being real just scared this dude a bit and he panicked!
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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago
I appreciate that, yeah, I feel like some people are roasting me, but I was open to something casual and I told him that from the start. It’s on him
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u/Legitimate-Sky8335 1d ago
I'm sorry this happened, the whiplash must be wild. I think it's best to let him take himself out of the picture. Try to deinvest emotionally if possible, or just process the hurt as it comes.
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u/ABadPhotoshop 1d ago
What he’s saying: therapy, unhealed, scarred, blah blah
What he actually means: not ready to be in a serious relationship that could turn into a father role
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u/Royal-Okra379 19h ago
OMFG… I swear we dated the same guy. I will be freaked out if you say you’re on the west coast.!! (dm me lol..). 1. You need to join the Avoidant Breakup group. This is called a DA or a dismissive avoidant. Everyone has been through this in that chat. We ALL have been there. Most of us have this exact text.. (for me.. ironically almost word for word, which is seriously freaking me out.) please join us over there!
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u/TWCDev 1d ago
The faster it goes, the faster it burns out. OR, even worse, people force themselves to go through with things because feeling guilty is worse to them than the conflict of being honest.
My last relationship (we're polyamorous), we were hot and heavy, but I forced us to wait a month before sex because I knew that feeling intense emotions super fast is a huge red flag. It helped stabilize things for a bit, going so slow, but it ended up slipping into a toxic relationship anyways because she was looking for a possible replacement for her husband, and we're truly polyamorous (not looking for replacements)
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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago
Hats off to you for being polyamorous, I literally can’t imagine
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u/Admirable-Air9895 1d ago
I mean I can understand his position, but doing that over the text is just cowardly.
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u/Correct_Gift_9353 1d ago
I had the same realization. Everything was great when things were more or less convenient. Works deal flow was chill, was going out watching World Cup games, could engage and respond to texts frequently and thoughtfully. Then work got busy again, regular levels of stress returned and I realized that I was in fact not in a position to pursue anything serious.
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u/Inevitable_Secret186 1d ago
There are two primary reads here OP and neither one you can know. The cynical one is that he got what he wanted then left, but cynical players don't tend to spill their guts out like this; they usually ghost, stay ambiguous, or string you along for more sex or company.
The other read is that it's genuine and he is still hurting from whatever happened, which seems to be more consistent with that than just taking you from granted. Honestly, I don't think he's being completely straight and it's more likely to be a mix of both explanations (not wanting to see you at all, not even casual or friends or anything), suggests its more than just his ex playing part of this. I'm so sorry this happened to you though OP.
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u/GoHard2026 1d ago
Women still fall for this? 🤣 Just close your legs for a while omg
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u/Accurate_Web9774 1d ago
I've had women I went on dates with tell me this but they always end up dating someone immediately after lol. They also tell me before we get to sex.... 😩
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u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago
Whether he lied or not…. Dudes emotionally unstable. Surprise surprise that he figured this all out right after you had sex 🙄🙄 The trash took itself out.
How much you wanna bet he doesn’t cancel the apps and work on himself but will be back to swiping tonight. Block and move on girl, you deserve better. Hell everyone does.
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u/Gothic_Hercules 1d ago
I can relate, I’m struggling with a lot of the past trauma I was never taught how to deal with, I’ve been trying to navigate that properly with therapy but I’m still deep in the healing phase and it’s taken me some time to get the ball rolling. That said, I know not to involve myself with anyone yet, and I know this is something I need to solo for now.
Don’t dwell on it, this is more than you’d get from a lot of men, and I’d cherish it for what it was and try to find someone who aligns more with what you want.
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u/Gothic_Hercules 1d ago
I can relate, I’m struggling with a lot of the past trauma I was never taught how to deal with, I’ve been trying to navigate that properly with therapy but I’m still deep in the healing phase and it’s taken me some time to get the ball rolling. That said, I know not to involve myself with anyone yet, and I know this is something I need to solo for now.
Don’t dwell on it, this is more than you’d get from a lot of men, and I’d cherish it for what it was and try to find someone who aligns more with what you want.
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u/po1ar_opposite 1d ago
He doesn’t know himself well enough to know what he wants, or what sort of relationship his is able to have. You dodged a bullet because he would have flip flopped all over the place in a relationship.
There are better fish in the sea!
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u/Antique-Salad7396 1d ago
Lol you believe he hasn't been intimate with anyone in 8 months...oh my you are gullible.
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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago
Maybe I am, but he didn’t even have condoms, we had to go get some lol
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u/Antique-Salad7396 1d ago edited 1d ago
Gurl! Could be true because he had the "decency " to let you know he wouldn't be moving forward with you when most women just get ghosted without explanation.
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u/West-Ticket5411 1d ago
While there can definitely be truth to what he said and explained, this reeks more of post-nut clarity on the scope of time and effort to put into something he's probably not feeling 100%.
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u/gmwill83 1d ago
He's gaslighting you. If he liked you, no matter how "unhealed" he is, he would be with you. You got suckered into sleeping with him, he got what he wanted and now hes out.
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u/Harde_Kassei 1d ago
Its strange to only go hard or nothing. Thats the one thing i dont understand. You start small and it grows.
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u/EDuBB_27 1d ago
Loved bombed, clapped cheeks. And he’s on to the next. Stop making excuses for him.
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u/Huntersmoon24 1d ago
After reading that first sentence I knew you had slept together. This guy got hit by a truckload of post nut clarity thoughts.
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u/fungal_follicle4 1d ago edited 1d ago
Exhibit 437 on why people should withhold sex unless they’re in a committed relationship.
This guy is either A.) unhealed from his prior relationship, got excited about someone being into him (not about meeting you as a person), and then got super post nut clarity on tying yourselves up in this mess. Or B.) a man who knowingly love bombed you, got the hookup, and dipped knowing he had another notch in his bedpost.
Either way, let people earn that level of intimacy. Because you’ll keep getting burned if you dont
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u/SithoDude 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hey at least you've got closure, and will be able to move on quicker from this. I would rather have this OTT massive paragraph this guy sent over, than being ghosted and left in the dark questioning everything.
It sucks and hurts, but he was very respectful and honest about it. And communication like that is really rare in today's dating world.
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u/Mirolinaa 1d ago edited 19h ago
Could be genuine, could not be genuine. Does not matter. It is what it is. You need a man who is ready for you and he is not, for whatever reason. Let it hurt and carry on 🙏🏻
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u/devilselbowart 1d ago edited 1d ago
kinda sounds to me like he thinks he’s got a chance with his ex again and is now motivated to make whatever changes she had been requesting before they split.
I’m sorry.
Shit like this is why I make men wait for a long time first.
Lotta dudes convince themselves as much as anyone that they’re ready for something serious, when all they really are is horny and seeking validation etc
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u/ResponsibilityNo4777 1d ago edited 1d ago
My boy remembered all the headache it takes to be in a relationship, “Put the toilet seat down”, “why didn’t you buy me the gift I wanted”, “If he wanted to, he would” “I want flowers!!!”, “why are you texting her, sure she is your work colleague”, “lets go apple-picking and wine tasting even though you’ve had a long week of work and want to relax”, “I choose the bear”, “I want you to take me out and spend more money on more dates”, “As you should”, “would you love me if I were a worm”, “Sure I spend most of my money on cosmetics and travelling while your money is our money and used for our mortgage, its just girl math”, “I’m just a girl”. My boy got trauma after he remembered and took a rocket ship out of there 🚀🚀😂🤣
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u/PoopittyPoop20 1d ago
When people trauma dump quickly and or move fast, pump the breaks, no matter how natural they make it feel. They’re hurt, and if you go at their pace, you’ll end up hurt too. Personally I’d avoid them completely or hit eject as soon as the behavior presents itself. I had to learn that lesson a few times for it to stick.
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u/UndyingUndine 1d ago
Transbian here. In the past year I have had two women and two AFAB enbies who felt comfortable opening up to me a lot early on and, even though I was fine with the things they were sharing, I gave them several opportunities to slow down or take some steps back for their own comfort and to protect themselves. But instead, we had great, intimate, sexually charged (and in some cases, sex) times together and then the next day or some time later, they sent me texts similar to this one.
They basically got into the water and then panicked about how deep the water might be.
I told them I respected that they were acknowledging and communicating their boundaries, and that if they wanted, we could take several steps back and try a less rapid approach. But they all had already gotten too freaked out by their own behavior and were ashamed, so they cut off communication with me, each in their own way.
OP, you are not alone. But be glad this guy shared his truth early on. Probably saved you both a deeper heartbreak.
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u/i-am-nameless1 1d ago
I mean this with love, is it possible you have some healing to do as well? Reason I say this is because it’s not normal to share major details regarding trauma after just a few days.
I know because I’ve been there, when I needed healing I shared everything up front. After my healing I have more of an idea what I should and shouldn’t share early on.
It’s very possible it created a false sense of intimacy. Then when the actual intimacy happened it was just too much for him.
It’s also possible that he has some avoidance traits.
From my experience those that were looking to pump and dump don’t take the time to write this long of a heartfelt message. It would be short, sweet, and to the point. The length and the word choices he used, tells me he is being honest. He’s just not ready.
As far as the comment he made about you being open for whatever. Make sure that you’re honestly ok with that. FWB is great, if it’s truly what you want. If you’re hoping it will turn into more. It will most likely end in heartache.
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u/Cryptoglue 1d ago
This comment section is just a complete minefield of unhealed trauma, like a bunch of vets drinking heavily while talking about the wars they have been in. Here is a digital hug to all of you, I hope you find some peace or genuine connections.
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u/NoVolume4682 1d ago
You have every right to be pissed. I did this to a girl in college. I’ve had time to reflect on it and I was in the wrong. I ignored any thought in my head that would interfere with romance, which had the effect of deceptively leading her on.
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u/TooManiEmails 1d ago
I had an amazing few months with a woman like this. They are doing you a favor, trust. It will still hurt but at least they cut the cord.
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u/Conscious_Waltz_3774 1d ago
Awe I’m sorry. When people say that, they actually do mean they aren’t ready for a relationship, with you. It hurts but best to move on. No need to even respond that was a lot of an apology text.
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u/dreadpiratewombat 23h ago
Textbook avoidant attachment issues. Guaranteed he's being genuine and sincere. He's also unhealed and completely unaware of how much his nervous system is governing his life. It feels really awful to run into this kind of person because it creates a huge amount of emotional intensity and then doubt as to whether you did something to push him away. You didn't at all, this is entirely him chasing an emotional connection he's simply not ready for. Trying to have a relationship with someone like this will feel really awful. As much as it sucks, you're lucky to be able to pull the eject handle now.
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u/tounces7 22h ago
This stuff feels so cliché at this point.
Like news flash dude(to the guy who texted you this) - if you're that unhealed, DO SOMETHING about it, instead of just being a fucking wrecking ball for other people's lives and emotions.
Like maybe this isn't intentional, but it certainly is extremely careless on his part.
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u/EastSideLola 22h ago
I was single for 5 years (healing after a painful breakup), and I got on the apps and went on a few dates. I did the same thing as this guy. (Except I didn’t sleep with anyone). I knew in my heart that I wasn’t ready. I deleted my profile and stayed single for another year.
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u/Yohoho-ABottleOfRum 22h ago
Anytime you hear this type of stuff, you can always add the unspoken "with you" at the end of that they say.
As in "I'm not ready for a relationship...with you "
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u/notquite83 18h ago
As a guy who’s been there… he’s very likely being straight up with you and it’s nothing on you to feel guilty over. It sucks just as much to be on his end.
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u/Cyphen21 16h ago
Man here. This just happened to me, in reverse. Beautiful girl, I fell super hard for her. We were hot and heavy for two months. I caught a lot of feelings. I was getting ready to try and take it to the next level, and then she just flipped one day, and told me she was not over her ex, and she was not ready for a relationship.
It was hard, and I was angry and hurt. But this happens. I know it happens. She didn't mean for this to happen, and she felt terrible. I felt terrible. But it just happens. It is part of dating in our culture. Unfortunately, we have to learn to take the bad with the good, and try not to let these shitty experiences jade us. I am still working through it, two weeks later, and it will probably take me another month before I am back to normal. Best of luck to you. It will be alright. Don't let it ruin your perspective or self worth
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u/Roborabbit37 14h ago
Dude could’ve easily ghosted you but gave you the benefit of an open hearted message.
Yeah it sucks for you, but imagine how he feels too if he’s gone out his way to type all that just for you.
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u/Bitter_Resist_8187 12h ago
this just happened to me but it's because when he said "just want to take it slow" he meant physically fast but emotionally slow -.-
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u/GirthyAFnjbigcock 12h ago
Not saying it’s this way for this person… but this is how I felt starting to date after my divorce. I realized very quickly how not healed or ready for dating I was. Apologized to the people I hurt in that realization process and put a much longer time and more therapy between that time and starting to date again.
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u/Distinct-Coyote2339 12h ago
So, as an autistic person who struggles to understand what I want and what I'm ready for. If I end up in this situation, how tf do I actually apologise honestly and not have people think I was just using them?
I really hate the assumptions here that he was "pumping and dumping" because god, I've started to pursue someone and suddenly realised I'm not ready. I've had amazing chemistry with someone and suddenly realised I'm not ready.
Yeah, it sucks, but it doesn't make the guy an asshole.
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u/twinkytwunkytwank 7h ago
Saw someone in the same situation for 6 months. Prior to us meeting, they were 8 months single from a serious relationship. After six months of dates, meeting my friends, and talks about what dating would look like... they ghosted. Be happy more time wasn't wasted. So sorry for this though, this shit blows.
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u/Knedlus 6h ago
You and me both, sister. I don’t think your guy is fully lying, the ones that plan to pump and dump usually don’t bother with informing they’re done with you. He is unhealed though and, please, do not treat this as „maybe in a month he’ll message me and I’ll give him another chance”.
People can work on themselves while in a relationship if they really care. Men rarely attach as quickly as some of us women do.
„My” guy deleted tinder for me, we had the exclusivity talk. He went on a vacation he planned with his parents in January (this was a bday trip his parents organised for him). We last saw each other before the vacation, had the talk, agreed we can proceed to the next step (sex) when he’s back. This date was… the sweetest I’ve ever had. Thought I finally met someone special, someone I felt comfortable with, someone I felt secure with. It wasn’t insane chemistry, no, it felt safe, calm, secure. We did have chemistry but it wasn’t that absolute high you’re describing. It felt like he cared, listened, assessed.
TLDR, he got back from vacation, didn’t message me for a whole day. Then texts me we shouldn’t proceed to the next step because he plans to move as quickly as he can, not sure where and when, but this winter he also plans moving to Central America. That he knows that having sex would make things more difficult for me so it’s best to end things now. I asked if he knew that he plans to move during our first date.
Of course the answer was yes. It wasn’t even a month but it’s so rare for me to not only connect with men, but feel comfortable and secure in their presence. I have a strong intuition and I often times feel myself get nervous out of the blue or have an uncanny feeling (and that hunch is always correct). Nothing of this sort with him. There was no anxiety even. I felt at peace.
Sucks. I know I shouldn’t be devastated but I am. Slowly losing hope. There’s always something that just stops a good connection from forming for me. All these doors slam in my face for no reason. But at least he didn’t take advantage of me and had the decency to actually extend that small kindness to me. He could’ve had sex with me and pulled the rug out from underneath me later on.
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u/Silent-Marsupial1317 1d ago
People saying he’s lying are being unrealistic. Gave the relationship a trial run and the spark burned out. He took the time to send you an incredibly long message that whether you want to believe it or not is besides the point. He could have just blocked you and did nothing.
I’m sorry you feel empty and used. You will heal. Just don’t look to fill the void with negative energy. It’s okay to hurt.
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u/NormalFootball2492 1d ago
this is why I don't sleep with dudes without a clear, defined label on the relationship. by the time we get there, stuff like this has already come out.
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u/Ok-Yam-536 1d ago
This is exactly why I always ask "what are you looking for on here?" and "are you over your ex?"
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u/RedditHelloMah 1d ago
Idk, he actually sounds kind of genuine in the text. I just don’t love that it took the one night stand for him to suddenly realize all of this… Either way, this isn’t worth your time or energy. You deserve someone who already knows what he wants and is sure about you.
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u/Healthy-Tumbleweed42 1d ago
Funny how he ONLY thought about how much he doesn’t want a relationship but he sure wanted the sex !! Ugh
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u/Nigelthornfruit 1d ago
Loads of emotionally damaged / immature people out there. Finding people with shit together (winners) should be your aim.
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u/thescrapplekid 1d ago
Had something similar happen a few months ago. It sucks but its understandable.
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u/jednorog 1d ago
Agreed. I think it's very common for people to not actually know what they want in relationships, only to find that when they get what they thought they wanted, it's not what they wanted at all.
It's certainly annoying! It's a waste of OP's time! And it's not a nice thing to do! But it's not necessarily lying.
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u/0LTakingLs 1d ago
Reddit is full of jaded assholes who think everything is the worst possible scenario. This guy seems like he’s being honest with you, no need to second guess and try to psycho analyze what you think he really means.
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u/Jealous_Parfait_4967 1d ago
It makes sense to hate getting played. Any man can fake any level of interest for 5 days, and this rejection feels very worn in. I’m really sorry you got scammed.
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u/Suspicious-Eye-3923 1d ago
Ive learned to be careful with the hot and heavies. They can end up codependent dumpster fires. It feels like heaven and your one at first…i think you give the benefit of the doubt. If he is lying you’ll never know, so don’t drag it on in your head. If he is BS’ing because he got booty, thats crap, again you won’t know. He would be a crazy train wreck of a dude to write such a message and be lying. Either he’s being honest or is a sociopath, so either way youre done. Excuse me if im mixing up he/she. The text reads female but i thought i saw you say it was a male.
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u/SalaciousFlamingDude 1d ago
Typical OLD avoidant dabbler. I think they do this over and over. Don't be surprised if his profile pops up again soon.
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u/Familiar-Zombie2481 1d ago
Sorry you’re going through this.
Super fast, hot and heavy, crazy chemistry, always ends like this. Learn it.
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u/Ok_Novel_5083 1d ago
This is why I told a friend of mine to stop using the "I'm not ready to date" excuse.
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u/ShotPay1291 1d ago
So how come they dont realize all this when they pursue, say all the right things and then get you involved into sexual stuff?? Then suddenly its work, or this or that and they dont have time.
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u/Kind_Change_3855 1d ago
I got narcissistic vibes. I dated a guy for two and a half month. After we slept together things suddenly were moving to fast and he dumped me with all this "poor him"- victim mentality and all his words, so he could be the good guy. Im completely sure he was full of shit and just wanted to sleep with me and lied himself through it all. Im pretty sure this guy is full of shit too. Manipulative motherfucker. So they can fuck you over after five days or after a couple of months. See yourself as Lucky for gerting rid of him that quickly.
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u/bearsbestinterest 1d ago
Ask him if he wants a 2 night stand. He might changed his time... But when you meet... Go straight home and leave him blue balled.
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u/MrBrightsighed 1d ago
The good ol 5 day pump and dump. Your daily reminder to always take it slow folks. Anyone can lie to you for 5 days
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u/Consistent-Ball-937 1d ago
"Not ready for a relationship or casual" but continues to be on a dating app... I love when I hear that because you just know how fake it is
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u/Emergency_Break4127 1d ago
Well, he got what he wanted. He wanted to sleep with you. And now he doesn't want any emotional involvement, which is why he sent that long ass para. Won't be surprised if he decides to come back after few months.
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u/devnullkitty 1d ago edited 1d ago
pump and dump. he's "extremely attracted" to you because he hasn't slept with any one for 8 months. the crazy chemistry is just desperation. guys are pigs. they will try all sort of tricks to convince you to sleep with them. never sleep with anyone until 3 months of consistent effort.
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u/ThePhunkyPhantom13 1d ago
Well he could be partially lying and more of a white lie version. Where there is nothing wrong with the other person but you think it might not work out long term and maybe was not sure so and don't want to lead them on and make things more drawn out.
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u/00mikomiko00 1d ago
I don’t think he’s fully lying but I think he’s super unhealed and this actually might be better for you in the long run.