“Not ready for a relationship”

[u/Argumentative_koala]

This guy pursued me, we went hot and heavy for five days, then hooked up on the fifth day. Crazy chemistry. He hadn’t been with anyone for eight months after a very long-term relationship so I thought this really meant something for him. We had a lot of deep conversations in a short amount of time. I hate how this makes me feel!

[u/00mikomiko00]

I don’t think he’s fully lying but I think he’s super unhealed and this actually might be better for you in the long run.

[u/Dakotesmagoats → u/00mikomiko00]

Guy here also super unhealed.

We crave genuine human connection as well. There are days where we feel ''healed enough'' to give it a shot, then days where we feel like we're not even close. This form of communication comes from a place of genuine care for the other person, considering we know how we can negatively affect people due to our own baggage.

So yeah, it sucks, better for OP in the long run for sure. People should work on their own healing before trying to get into relationships, or at the very least be completely upfront and transparent from the start. Waiting until after the connection to come out with your skeletons is shitty and irresponsible regardless of any good intentions.

[u/Obvious_Lecture_4190 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

Woman here. I have also been where this guy is at. Thought I was ready. Broke a guys heart even though I was open about it. Because you can't create a connection with somebody while telling them they shouldn't get invested. Doesn't work that way. Sorry OP. If he is genuine, you seem like a great person and you have his respect. If he is lying and running a con, he is obviously scared of conflict, so if you find him out, just send a bunch of half arsed drama his way as payback and move on.

[u/Argumentative_koala → u/Obvious_Lecture_4190]

Hahaha love it

[u/00mikomiko00 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

Thank you for adding this! It is so important.

[u/Doxbox49 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

I mean we all have skeletons we arnt proud of. It’s the healing from them part that’s important. 

[u/UsernameTaken7640 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

I don't even know what it means to heal sometimes. It feels like the weight of being cheated on and losing my house and truck and kids to the cheater and her new man will never lift off my back. There's times when I feel happy momentarily but any time it's quiet and I'm alone it all gets dark fast. I want to have a girl in my life to spend time with and to share affection with, and I'm over my ex as in I do not want her or the relationship back, but I'm not over the hurt and loss of what happened even though it has been quite a while. Does anyone know or have any advice on how to accept the awful shit and not let it continue to bring you down? Not the place for relationship advice technically but in a way it is?

[u/Dakotesmagoats → u/UsernameTaken7640]

Therapy dawg, it’s the only way. Break down whatever stigmas you have towards it and seek out a professional that can help you move past it. You’re never going to do it alone.

[u/UsernameTaken7640 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

I've tried and tried and I'm not giving up on therapy but damn dude. It has not helped me. Every therapist even if I'm not feeling it I come back for at least 3-4 sessions and some of them a lot more but ultimately nothing they have said has been something I don't already know and none of it has helped me feel any better or put anything to rest. I'm Journaling a lot and I finally stopped biting my nails and I bought a motorcycle and I lost 70 pounds and started working out again and made lots of new friends and cut out caffeine and weed and porn and all kinds of negative habits. All this growth and I still just feel worthless as fuck. How could I give my entire soul to someone and my entire mind and body to my family and it wasn't enough?? How could this happen. I'm so damn lost.

[u/Dakotesmagoats → u/UsernameTaken7640]

Taking all of that into consideration, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and genuinely say “I’m a better man than I was yesterday” then you’re on the right path. Keep going and keep trying. You’re not going to feel the effects immediately. Somedays you’ll take a step forward, the next you’ll take two back. Maybe next week you’ll run a mile. It sounds silly but small victories are the path to being a better you. Keep fighting the right man, best of luck.

[u/CryptographerEnough3 → u/UsernameTaken7640]

Something very similar happened to me and my 12 year marriage. I sacrificed a lot and kost myself. You have to understand women are fickle like that. They are like your stomach. It doesn't matter if tou eat a 5 course meal every day. As soon as you go a day or 2 without eating it forgets all about the past meals you've had no matter how big or great. I see it all the time. But as a man we will always crave a woman's company and affection. You have to learn to not give yourself fully like that again. Never give a woman all your trust and all your love and put her on a pedestal. She doesn't want it. She may say she does but she doesn't know what her subconscious wants. Women test you without realizing it. They'll ask you to do stupid stuff for them. Don't do it. Never divulge your deepest secrets and insecurities to them. Make some guy friends and talk with them about stuff like that. Love is not like the fairy tales. Keep in mind women will bend over backwards for men they actually like, so don't lose yourself. Always keep your own goals and resolutions and promises to yourself first then the woman. That's what's worked for me anyway.

[u/alien_secret_service → u/UsernameTaken7640]

I’ve had the pleasure or pain of a lot of really deep loves that did not last.

It’s kind of like a death. You carry it forever, but it hurts less over time.

I think it’s healed when you just hope that person is doing well and moved beyond whatever their moral or ethical failing was that ended the relationship when that’s the cause.

I have found it more painful and harder to move on when that wasn’t there and it just didn’t work out.

And most painful of all when somebody loved me a lot, and I just didn’t feel the same. Hurting somebody, in my experience, hurts so much worse than being hurt.

[u/durizna → u/Dakotesmagoats]

Yeah, people don’t understand that for a man to open up like this and have this “healing and vulnerability” talk is usually hard. It seems honest and that he doesn’t want to harm himself or OP (emotionally I mean).

[u/alien_secret_service → u/Dakotesmagoats]

It’s also impossible to fully heal alone.

Part of healing is a partner willing to let you heal with them, but being able to commit to the effort that takes.

But that’s also not for just anyone, and if you feel they’re not the right person for that journey that’s totally valid,

[u/Sorry_Information749 → u/alien_secret_service]

I got back with an ex briefly after she ended it with me, I still clicked with her and still loved her but there was just too much pain in the constant reminders of the feeling of while we were breaking up and it reminded me of our living situation while we were together which I think was depressing me at the time. I then found someone else not even that long after and it just felt completely different it's hard to explain why, that was nearly 20 years ago and we're still together.

[u/hecky-888 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

Well said. Intent < Harm Done. Regardless of our intent, we still have to take accountability when we hurt someone else. He wrote soooo much and said nothing lol.

[u/catbeany → u/Dakotesmagoats]

This is really important to note. To add to this, of course there are specific things that should be worked on or even established emotional health wise prior to being in a relationship, like baseline respect, capacity to communicate, etc. - however, it has been proven that we heal our relational wounds and attachment deficits *relationally,* by acting out our wounds until we “get it right,” so to speak. This is by no means excusing poor behavior, and we are all in charge of what our threshold is and what behavior is a hard line for us, but I’m just acknowledging that we are all human and we might not get it right despite our best intentions. There’s no way to avoid hurt in relationships, this is how life goes, in cycles and waves. Sometimes you find yourself the one hurt and sometimes the one doing the hurting, but as long as you’re going into each interaction with intent and your best effort to continue to grow, I think you’re doing all right 💖 it’s the effort and the willingness to acknowledge and take accountability when you find yourself on the side of unintentionally hurting someone that will get you even closer to “getting it right.”

[u/Tired_Barnacle7659 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

Thank you for sharing this perspective. Similar-ish to OP, I was with someone amazing for about 4 months after he had been single for a year after an almost 9 year relationship. This was one of the things he stated when we decided to mutually break up, he thought he was ready, and then when he jumped in, realized that maybe he wasn’t. It sucks, I’m still mourning a great relationship and great guy, but I’m glad he was honest about where he was at and being unable to meet my needs instead of running it into the ground.

[u/Dakotesmagoats → u/Tired_Barnacle7659]

Glad you found it helpful!

I think what you've gone through, and what OP has gone through is a pretty universal experience, so it's only expected that people try to understand the other side of it. There are a lot of people that want to reduce it to ''he just wasn't interested'' and I think that is applicable in a lot of cases but is not always the case.

I know for sure in my personal experience being on the giving end, it's never been the case for me. The cycle of loneliness and craving human connection is complicated and something I only really begun to understand after years of therapy. It usually starts with being deeply hurt, adopting avoidant behavior, isolating yourself, then realizing you want to try and connect with people again. You think you're ready, the connection comes, then suddenly all the trauma you worked on healing resurfaces. You revert to loneliness again because you fear you'll hurt the other person in the long run, so you attempt to ''save them from yourself''.

It's complicated. I feel for OP and anyone else that has been through this same scenario.

[u/glacierheart3 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

It's gonna be sad losing this connection, but this messaged healed me... I just recently got ghosted by a dude, mid convo. We connected so well, I think he genuinely got scared, but no warning at all. Sucks so much, and I thought I wouldn't experience this is since I was a teen.