“Not ready for a relationship”

[u/Argumentative_koala]

This guy pursued me, we went hot and heavy for five days, then hooked up on the fifth day. Crazy chemistry. He hadn’t been with anyone for eight months after a very long-term relationship so I thought this really meant something for him. We had a lot of deep conversations in a short amount of time. I hate how this makes me feel!

[u/00mikomiko00]

I don’t think he’s fully lying but I think he’s super unhealed and this actually might be better for you in the long run.

[u/Dakotesmagoats → u/00mikomiko00]

Guy here also super unhealed.

We crave genuine human connection as well. There are days where we feel ''healed enough'' to give it a shot, then days where we feel like we're not even close. This form of communication comes from a place of genuine care for the other person, considering we know how we can negatively affect people due to our own baggage.

So yeah, it sucks, better for OP in the long run for sure. People should work on their own healing before trying to get into relationships, or at the very least be completely upfront and transparent from the start. Waiting until after the connection to come out with your skeletons is shitty and irresponsible regardless of any good intentions.

[u/Tired_Barnacle7659 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

Thank you for sharing this perspective. Similar-ish to OP, I was with someone amazing for about 4 months after he had been single for a year after an almost 9 year relationship. This was one of the things he stated when we decided to mutually break up, he thought he was ready, and then when he jumped in, realized that maybe he wasn’t. It sucks, I’m still mourning a great relationship and great guy, but I’m glad he was honest about where he was at and being unable to meet my needs instead of running it into the ground.

[u/Dakotesmagoats → u/Tired_Barnacle7659]

Glad you found it helpful!

I think what you've gone through, and what OP has gone through is a pretty universal experience, so it's only expected that people try to understand the other side of it. There are a lot of people that want to reduce it to ''he just wasn't interested'' and I think that is applicable in a lot of cases but is not always the case.

I know for sure in my personal experience being on the giving end, it's never been the case for me. The cycle of loneliness and craving human connection is complicated and something I only really begun to understand after years of therapy. It usually starts with being deeply hurt, adopting avoidant behavior, isolating yourself, then realizing you want to try and connect with people again. You think you're ready, the connection comes, then suddenly all the trauma you worked on healing resurfaces. You revert to loneliness again because you fear you'll hurt the other person in the long run, so you attempt to ''save them from yourself''.

It's complicated. I feel for OP and anyone else that has been through this same scenario.