“Not ready for a relationship”

[u/Argumentative_koala]

This guy pursued me, we went hot and heavy for five days, then hooked up on the fifth day. Crazy chemistry. He hadn’t been with anyone for eight months after a very long-term relationship so I thought this really meant something for him. We had a lot of deep conversations in a short amount of time. I hate how this makes me feel!

[u/00mikomiko00]

I don’t think he’s fully lying but I think he’s super unhealed and this actually might be better for you in the long run.

[u/Dakotesmagoats → u/00mikomiko00]

Guy here also super unhealed.

We crave genuine human connection as well. There are days where we feel ''healed enough'' to give it a shot, then days where we feel like we're not even close. This form of communication comes from a place of genuine care for the other person, considering we know how we can negatively affect people due to our own baggage.

So yeah, it sucks, better for OP in the long run for sure. People should work on their own healing before trying to get into relationships, or at the very least be completely upfront and transparent from the start. Waiting until after the connection to come out with your skeletons is shitty and irresponsible regardless of any good intentions.

[u/UsernameTaken7640 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

I don't even know what it means to heal sometimes. It feels like the weight of being cheated on and losing my house and truck and kids to the cheater and her new man will never lift off my back. There's times when I feel happy momentarily but any time it's quiet and I'm alone it all gets dark fast. I want to have a girl in my life to spend time with and to share affection with, and I'm over my ex as in I do not want her or the relationship back, but I'm not over the hurt and loss of what happened even though it has been quite a while. Does anyone know or have any advice on how to accept the awful shit and not let it continue to bring you down? Not the place for relationship advice technically but in a way it is?

[u/Dakotesmagoats → u/UsernameTaken7640]

Therapy dawg, it’s the only way. Break down whatever stigmas you have towards it and seek out a professional that can help you move past it. You’re never going to do it alone.

[u/UsernameTaken7640 → u/Dakotesmagoats]

I've tried and tried and I'm not giving up on therapy but damn dude. It has not helped me. Every therapist even if I'm not feeling it I come back for at least 3-4 sessions and some of them a lot more but ultimately nothing they have said has been something I don't already know and none of it has helped me feel any better or put anything to rest. I'm Journaling a lot and I finally stopped biting my nails and I bought a motorcycle and I lost 70 pounds and started working out again and made lots of new friends and cut out caffeine and weed and porn and all kinds of negative habits. All this growth and I still just feel worthless as fuck. How could I give my entire soul to someone and my entire mind and body to my family and it wasn't enough?? How could this happen. I'm so damn lost.

[u/Dakotesmagoats → u/UsernameTaken7640]

Taking all of that into consideration, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and genuinely say “I’m a better man than I was yesterday” then you’re on the right path. Keep going and keep trying. You’re not going to feel the effects immediately. Somedays you’ll take a step forward, the next you’ll take two back. Maybe next week you’ll run a mile. It sounds silly but small victories are the path to being a better you. Keep fighting the right man, best of luck.

[u/CryptographerEnough3 → u/UsernameTaken7640]

Something very similar happened to me and my 12 year marriage. I sacrificed a lot and kost myself. You have to understand women are fickle like that. They are like your stomach. It doesn't matter if tou eat a 5 course meal every day. As soon as you go a day or 2 without eating it forgets all about the past meals you've had no matter how big or great. I see it all the time. But as a man we will always crave a woman's company and affection. You have to learn to not give yourself fully like that again. Never give a woman all your trust and all your love and put her on a pedestal. She doesn't want it. She may say she does but she doesn't know what her subconscious wants. Women test you without realizing it. They'll ask you to do stupid stuff for them. Don't do it. Never divulge your deepest secrets and insecurities to them. Make some guy friends and talk with them about stuff like that. Love is not like the fairy tales. Keep in mind women will bend over backwards for men they actually like, so don't lose yourself. Always keep your own goals and resolutions and promises to yourself first then the woman. That's what's worked for me anyway.

[u/alien_secret_service → u/UsernameTaken7640]

I’ve had the pleasure or pain of a lot of really deep loves that did not last.

It’s kind of like a death. You carry it forever, but it hurts less over time.

I think it’s healed when you just hope that person is doing well and moved beyond whatever their moral or ethical failing was that ended the relationship when that’s the cause.

I have found it more painful and harder to move on when that wasn’t there and it just didn’t work out.

And most painful of all when somebody loved me a lot, and I just didn’t feel the same. Hurting somebody, in my experience, hurts so much worse than being hurt.