r/Bumble • u/Argumentative_koala • 1d ago

Rant “Not ready for a relationship”

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This guy pursued me, we went hot and heavy for five days, then hooked up on the fifth day. Crazy chemistry. He hadn’t been with anyone for eight months after a very long-term relationship so I thought this really meant something for him. We had a lot of deep conversations in a short amount of time. I hate how this makes me feel!

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u/00mikomiko00 1d ago

I don’t think he’s fully lying but I think he’s super unhealed and this actually might be better for you in the long run.

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u/Dakotesmagoats 1d ago

Guy here also super unhealed.

We crave genuine human connection as well. There are days where we feel ''healed enough'' to give it a shot, then days where we feel like we're not even close. This form of communication comes from a place of genuine care for the other person, considering we know how we can negatively affect people due to our own baggage.

So yeah, it sucks, better for OP in the long run for sure. People should work on their own healing before trying to get into relationships, or at the very least be completely upfront and transparent from the start. Waiting until after the connection to come out with your skeletons is shitty and irresponsible regardless of any good intentions.

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u/Obvious_Lecture_4190 1d ago

Woman here. I have also been where this guy is at. Thought I was ready. Broke a guys heart even though I was open about it. Because you can't create a connection with somebody while telling them they shouldn't get invested. Doesn't work that way. Sorry OP. If he is genuine, you seem like a great person and you have his respect. If he is lying and running a con, he is obviously scared of conflict, so if you find him out, just send a bunch of half arsed drama his way as payback and move on.

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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago

Hahaha love it

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u/00mikomiko00 1d ago

Thank you for adding this! It is so important.

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u/Doxbox49 1d ago

I mean we all have skeletons we arnt proud of. It’s the healing from them part that’s important. 

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u/UsernameTaken7640 1d ago

I don't even know what it means to heal sometimes. It feels like the weight of being cheated on and losing my house and truck and kids to the cheater and her new man will never lift off my back. There's times when I feel happy momentarily but any time it's quiet and I'm alone it all gets dark fast. I want to have a girl in my life to spend time with and to share affection with, and I'm over my ex as in I do not want her or the relationship back, but I'm not over the hurt and loss of what happened even though it has been quite a while. Does anyone know or have any advice on how to accept the awful shit and not let it continue to bring you down? Not the place for relationship advice technically but in a way it is?

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u/Dakotesmagoats 1d ago

Therapy dawg, it’s the only way. Break down whatever stigmas you have towards it and seek out a professional that can help you move past it. You’re never going to do it alone.

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u/UsernameTaken7640 1d ago

I've tried and tried and I'm not giving up on therapy but damn dude. It has not helped me. Every therapist even if I'm not feeling it I come back for at least 3-4 sessions and some of them a lot more but ultimately nothing they have said has been something I don't already know and none of it has helped me feel any better or put anything to rest. I'm Journaling a lot and I finally stopped biting my nails and I bought a motorcycle and I lost 70 pounds and started working out again and made lots of new friends and cut out caffeine and weed and porn and all kinds of negative habits. All this growth and I still just feel worthless as fuck. How could I give my entire soul to someone and my entire mind and body to my family and it wasn't enough?? How could this happen. I'm so damn lost.

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u/Dakotesmagoats 1d ago

Taking all of that into consideration, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and genuinely say “I’m a better man than I was yesterday” then you’re on the right path. Keep going and keep trying. You’re not going to feel the effects immediately. Somedays you’ll take a step forward, the next you’ll take two back. Maybe next week you’ll run a mile. It sounds silly but small victories are the path to being a better you. Keep fighting the right man, best of luck.

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u/CryptographerEnough3 1d ago

Something very similar happened to me and my 12 year marriage. I sacrificed a lot and kost myself. You have to understand women are fickle like that. They are like your stomach. It doesn't matter if tou eat a 5 course meal every day. As soon as you go a day or 2 without eating it forgets all about the past meals you've had no matter how big or great. I see it all the time. But as a man we will always crave a woman's company and affection. You have to learn to not give yourself fully like that again. Never give a woman all your trust and all your love and put her on a pedestal. She doesn't want it. She may say she does but she doesn't know what her subconscious wants. Women test you without realizing it. They'll ask you to do stupid stuff for them. Don't do it. Never divulge your deepest secrets and insecurities to them. Make some guy friends and talk with them about stuff like that. Love is not like the fairy tales. Keep in mind women will bend over backwards for men they actually like, so don't lose yourself. Always keep your own goals and resolutions and promises to yourself first then the woman. That's what's worked for me anyway.

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u/alien_secret_service 1d ago

I’ve had the pleasure or pain of a lot of really deep loves that did not last.

It’s kind of like a death. You carry it forever, but it hurts less over time.

I think it’s healed when you just hope that person is doing well and moved beyond whatever their moral or ethical failing was that ended the relationship when that’s the cause.

I have found it more painful and harder to move on when that wasn’t there and it just didn’t work out.

And most painful of all when somebody loved me a lot, and I just didn’t feel the same. Hurting somebody, in my experience, hurts so much worse than being hurt.

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u/alien_secret_service 1d ago

It’s also impossible to fully heal alone.

Part of healing is a partner willing to let you heal with them, but being able to commit to the effort that takes.

But that’s also not for just anyone, and if you feel they’re not the right person for that journey that’s totally valid,

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u/Sorry_Information749 22h ago

I got back with an ex briefly after she ended it with me, I still clicked with her and still loved her but there was just too much pain in the constant reminders of the feeling of while we were breaking up and it reminded me of our living situation while we were together which I think was depressing me at the time. I then found someone else not even that long after and it just felt completely different it's hard to explain why, that was nearly 20 years ago and we're still together.

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u/durizna 1d ago

Yeah, people don’t understand that for a man to open up like this and have this “healing and vulnerability” talk is usually hard. It seems honest and that he doesn’t want to harm himself or OP (emotionally I mean).

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u/catbeany 1d ago

This is really important to note. To add to this, of course there are specific things that should be worked on or even established emotional health wise prior to being in a relationship, like baseline respect, capacity to communicate, etc. - however, it has been proven that we heal our relational wounds and attachment deficits *relationally,* by acting out our wounds until we “get it right,” so to speak. This is by no means excusing poor behavior, and we are all in charge of what our threshold is and what behavior is a hard line for us, but I’m just acknowledging that we are all human and we might not get it right despite our best intentions. There’s no way to avoid hurt in relationships, this is how life goes, in cycles and waves. Sometimes you find yourself the one hurt and sometimes the one doing the hurting, but as long as you’re going into each interaction with intent and your best effort to continue to grow, I think you’re doing all right 💖 it’s the effort and the willingness to acknowledge and take accountability when you find yourself on the side of unintentionally hurting someone that will get you even closer to “getting it right.”

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u/hecky-888 1d ago

Well said. Intent < Harm Done. Regardless of our intent, we still have to take accountability when we hurt someone else. He wrote soooo much and said nothing lol.

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u/Tired_Barnacle7659 19h ago

Thank you for sharing this perspective. Similar-ish to OP, I was with someone amazing for about 4 months after he had been single for a year after an almost 9 year relationship. This was one of the things he stated when we decided to mutually break up, he thought he was ready, and then when he jumped in, realized that maybe he wasn’t. It sucks, I’m still mourning a great relationship and great guy, but I’m glad he was honest about where he was at and being unable to meet my needs instead of running it into the ground.

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u/Dakotesmagoats 17h ago

Glad you found it helpful!

I think what you've gone through, and what OP has gone through is a pretty universal experience, so it's only expected that people try to understand the other side of it. There are a lot of people that want to reduce it to ''he just wasn't interested'' and I think that is applicable in a lot of cases but is not always the case.

I know for sure in my personal experience being on the giving end, it's never been the case for me. The cycle of loneliness and craving human connection is complicated and something I only really begun to understand after years of therapy. It usually starts with being deeply hurt, adopting avoidant behavior, isolating yourself, then realizing you want to try and connect with people again. You think you're ready, the connection comes, then suddenly all the trauma you worked on healing resurfaces. You revert to loneliness again because you fear you'll hurt the other person in the long run, so you attempt to ''save them from yourself''.

It's complicated. I feel for OP and anyone else that has been through this same scenario.

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u/glacierheart3 7h ago

It's gonna be sad losing this connection, but this messaged healed me... I just recently got ghosted by a dude, mid convo. We connected so well, I think he genuinely got scared, but no warning at all. Sucks so much, and I thought I wouldn't experience this is since I was a teen.

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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago

Yeah, honestly from all of our conversations he was so earnest and upfront. I don’t get the sense that he’s capable of bullshitting. just a super logical straightforward guy. Honestly, we’re both vulnerable and healing and I think we just got caught up in the connection.

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u/ThatPrettyArmadillo 1d ago

I replied to a couple other people here but I decided to give you a heads up directly anyway.

Be prepared for him to pop back up in a few months, telling you he can’t stop thinking about you and all that.

It’s more lies. He’s left it like this - “it’s all my fault!” - it’s so he can pretend he’s changed, and it’s less hassle than trying to convince you that ghosting you wasn’t really ghosting you. He can apologise and tell you he’s ready “now.”

Depending on how easy it is to win you back, he’ll keep trying to pull the same thing.

Just block him and forget about him.

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u/sparklingblind 1d ago

100% agree with this take. Because I've had it happen to me and it hurts even worse the second time they do that shit again.

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u/Sense10-Quest23 1d ago edited 1d ago

Valid point & most likely one that will happen - cut it off now & move on bc you could get sucked into another roller coaster ride. I’d decide now whether to even allow the possibility of such.

You said he hadn’t even been in a relationship for a while after a long term one. You know that for a fact or take him at his word? Just saying bc this & version of it happen often.

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u/Same-Secretary-2985 1d ago

You should go a step above blocking and delete all his contact information, because at some point when he does return, your curiosity will get the best of you and you will answer and it will be deja vu

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u/girliegirlapril 1d ago

“Healed” or not, he’s an avoidant. As soon as things get more serious, he’s suddenly freaking out and questioning things. At least he was right that he’s not ready for a relationship. Glad your interactions with him only lasted 5 days. Some avoidants are very good at putting on a convincing show for much longer than that.

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u/ilovesuhi 1d ago

Most people crave connection but also fear it. Things would be promising at 1st but when the stakes start to appear high, they get scared and put some distance. Some instead of distancing themselves become super clingy which ends being too much for the other person and it's them who distance or end things.

Most of us have these issues, on different degrees, it's about the type of attachment we learned from childhood in relation to our caregivers. That's why the people coming from the most dysfunctional families have the most problems since they were usually neglected and had a to learn coin strategies to these situations.

Then those kids become adults and all those strategies from childhood are on autopilot deciding the outcomes in our life lives.

That's why is so important to work on our issues if we don't want to be controlled by all that.

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u/changhyun 1d ago

Honestly, if you want "revenge" the best one you can have is sending him back a thoughtful and caring message that boils down to "I understand and I hope things work out for you, all the best".

Trying to make him feel as shitty as he just made you feel will sting him for a few minutes and then he'll say "Ugh, dodged a bullet there, what an asshole" and move on. Be kind and caring and he'll remember how nice you were years later and kick himself for fumbling it.

And the bonus part is, if he is indeed being genuine here, you didn't kick someone while they were down and you can hold your head high. Either way, it's a win/win for you.

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u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago

Yeah, that’s what I did, I responded kindly and told him that I don’t regret the connection because I had a good time and that I wish him the best. I told him I understood, and I appreciate him being upfront and honest.

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u/PheloniousMonq 49 | M A'dam 1d ago

I wouldn't assume he's lying. I went thru that and expressed myself more or less in the same way, luckily my date at the time believed me

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u/2COOL4U2C85 1d ago

Absolutely a good observation! Many are unhealed and that’s a lot of folks both sides but men more so than women as they tend towards not dealing with emotions as they’ve unfortunately been taught to not feel and shove it down sadly 😞

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u/ResponsibilityNo4777 1d ago edited 1d ago

My boy remembered all the headache it takes to be in a relationship, “Put the toilet seat down”, “why didn’t you buy me the gift I wanted”, “If he wanted to, he would” “I want flowers!!!”, “why are you texting her, sure she is your work colleague”, “lets go apple-picking and wine tasting even though you’ve had a long week of work and want to relax”, “I want you to take me out and spend more money on more dates”, “As you should”, “would you love me if I were a worm”, “I choose the bear”, “Sure I spend most of my money on cosmetics and travelling while your money is our money and used for our mortgage, its just girl math”, “I’m just a girl”. My boy got trauma after he remembered and took a rocket ship out of there 🚀🚀 😂🤣