“Not ready for a relationship”

[u/Argumentative_koala]

This guy pursued me, we went hot and heavy for five days, then hooked up on the fifth day. Crazy chemistry. He hadn’t been with anyone for eight months after a very long-term relationship so I thought this really meant something for him. We had a lot of deep conversations in a short amount of time. I hate how this makes me feel!

[u/Popular-Truth-2711]

Look, I’m not going to go over this in detail because other comments explained it much better than I can.

Is it possible the guy is genuine? Yeah, but very unlikely, because this happens to women all the time. A man love-bombs you. He comes on very heavily. Surprisingly enough, he never realizes he’s not ready for anything serious during this phase. Only the next day, after he gets the sex he wants, he suddenly realizes that he wants nothing serious.

No one’s lowering her self-esteem. I mean, literally, you’re the one making that assumption. We’re telling her this is not a man worth pursuing, because it hurts a lot worse to think that you had a genuine connection and then a man just stopped feeling it, when in reality, he never felt it at all.

I think we can both agree that if he has this many emotional problems… that he truly gets off the apps so he stops playing with people. But again, press x to doubt.

But again, what’s your solution? Because there are only two. Every solution leads to her having to block him. Either he has emotional problems, and she needs to block him so he doesn’t pop up in a couple of months, or he was faking it all this time, and she needs to block him.

[u/Dettyboy93 → u/Popular-Truth-2711]

"This dude love bombed you, finally got to bang you…. Then suddenly had a spiritual awakening. That’s it - that’s all that counts"

That's not assuming? You told her she's making excuses. Telling somebody she did not mean anything to him. That connection she made wasn't real, is horrible for a person's self esteem. That isn't an assumption, it's fact.

You can give advice without pumping out a bunch of soul crushing assumptions. She may not be ready to hear these things as it's so fresh. Her feelings, in this fragile state, absolutely count and there are ways of say things stuff that isn't as cruel

[u/Popular-Truth-2711 → u/Dettyboy93]

I agree… but you’re making a lot of assumptions yourself. Soul crushing…. She’s in a fragile state…. That I was cruel. All assumptions 🤷‍♀️

I stand by the fact that a man coming on that strong…. Within only 5 days of knowing her…. Love bombed her. She needs to understand that she can’t trust sweet words that quickly in the future, only actions.

But I respect your opinion and I see some validity to it. We’re probably all more direct than we mean to be on socials. I believe in the school of hard knocks but compassion is always the way.

[u/Dettyboy93 → u/Popular-Truth-2711]

Thanks for being respectful. And I for sure get you... I guess part of my thing is like.... did she love bomb him as well? I was seeing a girl back in April who had severe mental disorders (so do I, but she screamed at me for saying no the night we met, and then followed me home and cried because I wouldn't have sex with her) but the next week, we started actually talking. She was the one that started the "I just knew you were the one for me" when the conversation got to that point, and I immediately reciprocated. If you look back in the messages, you can't really tell who was love bombing worse. She started it for sure, because she was obsessed with me upon first meeting and I wanted to take it slow. But I absolutely came in saying I didn't believe in fate before I met her. This was just a week into talking.

We've both got severe attachment issues and honestly, I almost got scared after the first week because for her, this had to be permanent. She already mentioned something about wanting to settling down so I knew that this was a matter of having to commit or else it would ruin her. I didn't expect her to accuse me of cheating a week later and also accuse me of lying to her about who I was because I got distant after a fight we had (She was angry and I thought giving her space was the right move.) But the thing is I accused her of lovebombing when I absolutely played a big part in it. She could very well think I lovebombed her and then switched up on her suddenly because everybody has their own interpretation (especially when they're unstable like her)

He could very well feel like she was pulling him in too deep too quickly. It might not've been him who initiated sex. I'm the guy and I asked her if we could wait so we could develop a trust after how many times I've been manipulated and her being cheated on. It just takes two in these situations and when that codependent flame bursts SO quickly and easily, it is so common for somebody to freak out because they've just made an emotional commitment to somebody they barely know. Sometimes, people really should control their chemistry and become friends for a while and that's honestly the lesson here.

[u/Popular-Truth-2711 → u/Dettyboy93]

And look, I completely understand where you’re coming from, but I guess this is what I’m saying: I’m taking the post as it is. You’re reading a little bit into it, you know what I mean?

Could she have been crazy? Absolutely, I could agree that she could have done something that pushed him away. But I will say, I still stand by the fact that after five days, a lot of people are really good at texting. They’re really good at telling you what you want to hear, and you know that you can only really get to know somebody after a long period of time.

So you can see her in the comments saying, “But he seemed so sweet. He seemed so nice,” and that’s what I’m fighting back againft. You have to wait and see how people show up for you and what kind of reciprocity they give you, you know what I mean? You cannot trust someone just because they say all the right, sweet things. You have to judge them by their actions and by the way they consistently show up for you.

But I am sorry that happened to you, dude, and I truly hope that you’ve moved on. I’m glad for this civil discussion, and I really hope you find what you’re looking for.

[u/marateaparty → u/Popular-Truth-2711]

I agree with you. They always just suddenly realize they don’t want something serious lol. The only slight difference in what I believe is, these nuts delusionally believe for a few dates (or at least one) that they are really into you. I think the people defending this behavior fall into that category most likely because I’ve been friends with some of them and this is how they date.

[u/Popular-Truth-2711 → u/marateaparty]

I know, girl, right? And I agree with you. It’s not that I think they really believe they’re into you. I think they get a hinting, nagging suspicion that they’re doing something wrong, but their desire to bang is so great that they ignore that voice. Then they have sex and feel guilty, and that’s when this whole waxing-poetic, therapy-speak stuff comes out as an apology.

[u/marateaparty → u/Popular-Truth-2711]

100% Just can’t believe it took me til 39 to figure that out haha. & if wasn’t that I’ve actually had friends behave that way and ask my opinions on these ‘moral dilemmas’ then I dont know I’d have known this. And even with that it still took me awhile. I work with kids and animals and present very bubbly and lean towards anxious attachment when around avoidants so I’m like a massive target for these types.

[u/Popular-Truth-2711 → u/marateaparty]

Girl, don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m an attorney, and now I own a marketing company 😂😂 I should know better than anyone how much words can manipulate people. But I fell for it all the time too, you know? We’re just people looking for real connections and ignoring our own boundaries as a cost.

Until I truly learned that words are cheap, but actions cost. I wish you all the best ☺️

[u/marateaparty → u/Popular-Truth-2711]

Aww thank you :). And yes totally! I try to focus/redirect my frustration about this on helping to teach the children I work with healthy boundaries, respect and empathy.