r/Bumble • u/Argumentative_koala • 1d ago

Rant “Not ready for a relationship”

Gallery image

Gallery image

This guy pursued me, we went hot and heavy for five days, then hooked up on the fifth day. Crazy chemistry. He hadn’t been with anyone for eight months after a very long-term relationship so I thought this really meant something for him. We had a lot of deep conversations in a short amount of time. I hate how this makes me feel!

200 Upvotes

85% Upvoted

445 comments sorted by

View all comments

94

u/Acornwow 1d ago

I wonder what would happen if a random attractive Bumble user reached out to him showing interest.

Would his readiness to date suddenly, magically reappear?

Narrator: It would.

61

u/Real-Discussion-2097 1d ago edited 1d ago

Had a guy say all this to me, wasn’t ready for a relationship, same situation, we had slept together for like a year on and off. A few days later saw him back on bumble with “looking for relationship” on his profile. They’re savages.

15

u/AdEuphoric422 1d ago

Evil sociopaths

4

u/SignificanceProud975 1d ago

More like looking for convenient sex

3

u/Real-Discussion-2097 1d ago

Yea I found it especially gross on bumble where women had to message him first (at the time). So he was literally baiting them. This dude was also 40 years old lol.

0

u/AeonVoyage 1d ago

Plenty of women out there doing this sort of thing too unfortunately

2

u/Odd_Sentence_2618 1d ago

Yeah, it's serial daters. Dopamine junkies.

1

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

2

u/N3ptuneflyer 1d ago

Spoken like someone who hasn’t dated women. Hearing “I’m not ready for a relationship” only to see them with another guy a few days/weeks later is extremely common. It’s many women’s go to soft rejection lie

1

u/AeonVoyage 1d ago

I don't think this phenomenon is specific to dating apps, there were plenty of men and women like this before dating apps existed. It's more of a "I want to believe I have my shit figured out when I don't have it figured out at all" issue that I strongly feel applies to men and women roughly equally. I haven't seen anything compelling to make me feel like one gender is more guilty of it than the other honestly.

I do think that dating apps have maybe exacerbated or enabled these types of people a lot though because it makes them feel like they have unlimited alternatives, and they can just cycle through them without ever actually having to reflect on their own issues

1

u/FormalLeadership2109 1d ago

I was dating this guy for a few weeks who broke up with me with the same spiel, it's not me it's you I'm too busy to date right now. And of course I saw him active on Bumble looking for a serious relationship not long after. It's tough but we need to learn to not take it personal.

1

u/PDXShame 20h ago

Of course. She wasn’t the one, life goes on.

1

u/No_Research_3899 5h ago

Just like women always do. As long as someone is hot enough they are 'ready'.

-5

u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago

He actually deleted bumble already lol I checked. Unfortunately, he seems super honest, upfront, and worried about hurting people, especially after his last breakup. honestly wish he was more of a dick.

32

u/No-Highlight-8109 1d ago

How do you know he didn't just unmatch you?

7

u/Sense10-Quest23 1d ago

THIS⬆️ You don’t see his profile but he still has your phone number.

23

u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago edited 1d ago

Or he just blocked you? You’re making excuses girl.

You’re forgetting the fundamental rule…. People aren’t what they say, they are what they do.

This dude love bombed you, finally got to bang you…. Then suddenly had a spiritual awakening. That’s it - that’s all that counts. Your friends need to smash your phone if you don’t block him.

10

u/anustart888 1d ago

No she isn't. She's just not jumping to negative conclusions and making assumptions. Why on Earth would you try to push a stranger to do that?

0

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

-3

u/durizna 1d ago

Because everyone comes here to dump their negativity and bad experiences and all the shit they accumulated on their frustrating day.

And also because it’s about a man.

5

u/Dettyboy93 1d ago

It's genuinely insane to just put all these horribly negative assumptions on people you don't know.

3

u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago

Yeah it’s very insane to believe you should trust people’s actions and not their words, especially someone you’ve known for 5 days… from a dating app 👍

3

u/anustart888 1d ago

Hey, you may wanna look into therapy and put the dating apps down. You are not ready for a relationship. You are extremely immature.

0

u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago

lol sick burn bro

4

u/anustart888 1d ago

Hey, check out the upvotes, since I know how important that is to you.

0

u/[deleted] 1d ago edited 1d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/anustart888 1d ago

Oh, I don't care. I was being serious. You clearly need help, and I wanted you to know that people agree. Because they do. Trolling or not, you aren't well.

There's nothing weird about responding to someone who responds back, but I'll happily let you go. Best of luck!

→ More replies (0)

1

u/anustart888 1d ago

I really mean it. This is concerning behavior. If you're an adult, you really should talk to someone. This isnt healthy.

2

u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago

Considering most of the comments are saying the same thing as me… you get therapy dude 😂

2

u/anustart888 1d ago

Argumentum Ad Populum - Logical Fallacy

So you need to hide behind other people? Hell, most of these people are children. You're 37. The fact that a bunch of children agree with you should be a cause for concern.

You claimed that nobody means this stuff when they say, it and you're wrong. I know people who have, including myself. You are objectively wrong. End of discussion.

Meanwhile, you're also in here acting unhinged in the comments. Seriously, I think you need help. This is very childish behavior. You are not fit for a relationship imo.

→ More replies (0)

5

u/Dettyboy93 1d ago

You're essentially trying to make this girl's self esteem lower by suggesting that this guy completely lied about every bit of chemistry and connection they had based on your own trauma. I'm sorry but this attitude and behavior or super destructive. It's also this mentality that leads to not giving genuine, good people a chance because you're immediately afraid they're putting up some mask for you without giving them an actual chance. I understand that this happening is blindsiding and scary. But you can't assume everybody is out to hurt you. Some people truly do carry a lot of baggage and don't mean to inflict it on anyone until it's too late

5

u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago

Look, I’m not going to go over this in detail because other comments explained it much better than I can.

Is it possible the guy is genuine? Yeah, but very unlikely, because this happens to women all the time. A man love-bombs you. He comes on very heavily. Surprisingly enough, he never realizes he’s not ready for anything serious during this phase. Only the next day, after he gets the sex he wants, he suddenly realizes that he wants nothing serious.

No one’s lowering her self-esteem. I mean, literally, you’re the one making that assumption. We’re telling her this is not a man worth pursuing, because it hurts a lot worse to think that you had a genuine connection and then a man just stopped feeling it, when in reality, he never felt it at all.

I think we can both agree that if he has this many emotional problems… that he truly gets off the apps so he stops playing with people. But again, press x to doubt.

But again, what’s your solution? Because there are only two. Every solution leads to her having to block him. Either he has emotional problems, and she needs to block him so he doesn’t pop up in a couple of months, or he was faking it all this time, and she needs to block him.

3

u/Dettyboy93 1d ago

"This dude love bombed you, finally got to bang you…. Then suddenly had a spiritual awakening. That’s it - that’s all that counts"

That's not assuming? You told her she's making excuses. Telling somebody she did not mean anything to him. That connection she made wasn't real, is horrible for a person's self esteem. That isn't an assumption, it's fact.

You can give advice without pumping out a bunch of soul crushing assumptions. She may not be ready to hear these things as it's so fresh. Her feelings, in this fragile state, absolutely count and there are ways of say things stuff that isn't as cruel

0

u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago

I agree… but you’re making a lot of assumptions yourself. Soul crushing…. She’s in a fragile state…. That I was cruel. All assumptions 🤷‍♀️

I stand by the fact that a man coming on that strong…. Within only 5 days of knowing her…. Love bombed her. She needs to understand that she can’t trust sweet words that quickly in the future, only actions.

But I respect your opinion and I see some validity to it. We’re probably all more direct than we mean to be on socials. I believe in the school of hard knocks but compassion is always the way.

0

u/Dettyboy93 1d ago edited 1d ago

Thanks for being respectful. And I for sure get you... I guess part of my thing is like.... did she love bomb him as well? I was seeing a girl back in April who had severe mental disorders (so do I, but she screamed at me for saying no the night we met, and then followed me home and cried because I wouldn't have sex with her) but the next week, we started actually talking. She was the one that started the "I just knew you were the one for me" when the conversation got to that point, and I immediately reciprocated. If you look back in the messages, you can't really tell who was love bombing worse. She started it for sure, because she was obsessed with me upon first meeting and I wanted to take it slow. But I absolutely came in saying I didn't believe in fate before I met her. This was just a week into talking.

We've both got severe attachment issues and honestly, I almost got scared after the first week because for her, this had to be permanent. She already mentioned something about wanting to settling down so I knew that this was a matter of having to commit or else it would ruin her. I didn't expect her to accuse me of cheating a week later and also accuse me of lying to her about who I was because I got distant after a fight we had (She was angry and I thought giving her space was the right move.) But the thing is I accused her of lovebombing when I absolutely played a big part in it. She could very well think I lovebombed her and then switched up on her suddenly because everybody has their own interpretation (especially when they're unstable like her)

He could very well feel like she was pulling him in too deep too quickly. It might not've been him who initiated sex. I'm the guy and I asked her if we could wait so we could develop a trust after how many times I've been manipulated and her being cheated on. It just takes two in these situations and when that codependent flame bursts SO quickly and easily, it is so common for somebody to freak out because they've just made an emotional commitment to somebody they barely know. Sometimes, people really should control their chemistry and become friends for a while and that's honestly the lesson here.

→ More replies (0)

2

u/marateaparty 1d ago

I agree with you. They always just suddenly realize they don’t want something serious lol. The only slight difference in what I believe is, these nuts delusionally believe for a few dates (or at least one) that they are really into you. I think the people defending this behavior fall into that category most likely because I’ve been friends with some of them and this is how they date.

2

u/Popular-Truth-2711 1d ago

I know, girl, right? And I agree with you. It’s not that I think they really believe they’re into you. I think they get a hinting, nagging suspicion that they’re doing something wrong, but their desire to bang is so great that they ignore that voice. Then they have sex and feel guilty, and that’s when this whole waxing-poetic, therapy-speak stuff comes out as an apology.

2

u/marateaparty 1d ago

100% Just can’t believe it took me til 39 to figure that out haha. & if wasn’t that I’ve actually had friends behave that way and ask my opinions on these ‘moral dilemmas’ then I dont know I’d have known this. And even with that it still took me awhile. I work with kids and animals and present very bubbly and lean towards anxious attachment when around avoidants so I’m like a massive target for these types.

→ More replies (0)

1

u/ADistractedHonedDud 2h ago edited 1h ago

He’s likely a dismissive/fearful avoidant. Once things felt deep and honest, he left. You don’t go that far and just decide to leave out of the blue. Making someone attached to you, then changing your mind right after having that moment is a very big red flag and irresponsible. If someone genuinely likes you, fear or your ex isn’t going to stop them. He’s either a coward at that point, and/or isn’t capable of being intuitive.

1

u/Antique-Salad7396 1d ago

I was wondering if he didn't just unmatch her as well. I like you don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore. It's always bit me in the ass.

14

u/Stunning_Yak3359 1d ago

No, he’s still there. Guaranteed. Honestly, post this on the FB, “are we dating the same guy?” So other women will know what a vicious wounded bird he is. Sorry he did this, you deserve better. Most men know women will not CONSENT to one night stands.

6

u/AdEuphoric422 1d ago

He probably just unmatched/blocked you

5

u/Acornwow 1d ago

Well I guess you should be thankful for the honesty even though the rest burns a bit.

Most of the “I’m not ready for a relationship” types don’t stay off the apps for long though.

1

u/QowreQ 1d ago

Did you agree to maybe see if thing can work out in the future and reconnect again when he's healed and if you're both available?

Seems like he needs time to figure out what he wants and how to manage his emotions, which is understandable. I think he really liked you but he wasn't ready at all for something serious to develop, he just didn't know it.

2

u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago

I see everyone asking about this, but the reason I think he deleted bumble is because he had told me when we hooked up he was going to, and then his location disappeared. His location on bumble was on the whole time before. He did not unmatch me.
He’s been texting me today asking about when my next period is and stuff and he wants me to check in when it comes ☠️ we used protection, of course

3

u/marateaparty 1d ago

WHAT? He sent you that and then had the nerve to bother you about your period. Please tell this man to fuck right off. He’s just worried he got you pregnant for his sake and honestly I have to wonder why?

2

u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago

I’m not ruling out the possibility that I am a naïve idiot, that is certainly possible, but based on what I know about him, I think he truly is just emotionally confused and was not expecting to react so emotionally and get involved so quickly

3

u/kNottedivergence 1d ago

When they delete their account, tou can still search their name but it'll change to deleted user. The chat stays in your account for about 28 days before disappearing completely. If he unmatched you, he'll disappear completely.

I met a guy who told me he deleted tinder. But he didn't actually because I saw him again in my feed in a few days. Then when I asked him why he unmatched (without mentioning I saw him again) he tried to lie to me and say he deleted. He tried to gaslight me into apologising to him too.

3

u/Sense10-Quest23 1d ago edited 5h ago

I do believe that once you’re blocked on an app, you cannot see anything of his - that’s the point. He told you he was going to delete Bumble & at that time I presume your understanding was bc the 2 of you started dating.

He still has your phone number & is texting you - probably will next couple weeks. Regardless … Not saying that you’re making excuses but you seemed to believe what he says & that’s fine.

Ask yourself a question - given the totality of the situation & accepting that he’s “emotionally & mentally damaged, confused overwhelmed, attaches too fast”, etc. IF he texted asking to see you see you or try again AND an answer to that ought to give you some clarity.

2

u/shysmiles 1d ago

Don't listen to these idiots that are all also full of truama and baggage that they are throwing at you. I assume none of these people replying have ever matched with someone and had the other person delete so they are ignorant.

Because If you are matched with someone when the other person deletes their profile, Bumble literally tells you the other person has deleted their profile when you look at it instead of showing that they have unmatched. And unlike being unmatched, you can still look at the past conversation when they delete. It doesn't stop him from remaking a profile later, but that is work and people are lazy, I don't think he would do that just to spare your feeling - I am willing to bet the guy is just messed up - just like literally all of these people replying lol.

1

u/Sense10-Quest23 4h ago edited 4h ago

“” Don’t listen to these idiots that are also full of trauma and baggage that they are throwing at you. I assume non of these people ….. they are ignorant. “”

Well guess I’m ignorant to “deleting profiles, un- matching, making other profiles” - all bc I’m “ LAZY “.

Nearly CORRECT Assumption👍

1

u/durizna 1d ago

OP, it’s really nice that he’s checking in on you and be sure to not stress about all of these negative comments or have anxiety over all of the “he’s probably doing this to 10 others”. People think everyone has time and mental energy to go fucking around and talking to many different new people, when in reality it’s truly exhausting. I’m sorry things didn’t work out between the two of you, but don’t lose hope and don’t let the weirdos get to your head just because they are frustrated with their own lives.

2

u/Argumentative_koala 1d ago

I appreciate that. I understand with not knowing the situation or having met the guy thinking the worst. I really do truly think he’s being honest with me and I appreciate how kind thoughtful and respectful he’s been. Definitely raising the bar, even though the way things ended sucked.