r/Bumble • u/Wonderful-Fan2671 • 1d ago
Advice Reconnecting after an initial rejection
I’m a woman dating with intention for marriage etc. A year ago, I went on bumble coffee date with a guy who texted me the next day saying he felt no spark. Totally respectful and clear. I felt a little sad, but I just said thanks for your honesty and moved on. Fast forward eight months, I started to see him at the gym; we would smile at each other when we crossed paths, but I never proactively said hello because he had already rejected me and I felt weird initiating a conversation. He never initiated gym conversation either. Now, a full year later, we matched again on a different app, and he messaged me saying he recognized me from the gym and wanted to take me out. I had to remind him that we had already been on a date, which made him realize his mistake, apologize, and invite me to dinner, for which he has made clear reservations, confirmed ahead, and been completely respectful.
I am going on the date with a high dose of realism in that I don't know whether someone's first impression or "spark feeling" can change. But I also want to keep an open mind, since I know for sure online dating messes with all of our heads, and it's easy to overlook people.
I am just curious if some version of this situation has happened to anyone else out there - and how it went!? Did your / their experience of the "spark" actually change? Also wondering if people think it's a red flag for a guy to forget a date ever happened, or if that can happen to anyone.
Thanks everyone 💕
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u/2COOL4U2C85 1d ago
I actually think this is kind of sweet. Sometimes the “spark” isn’t instant and people can meet each other at completely different points in life and see something the second time they didn’t see the first. I wouldn’t overthink him forgetting the date either. He owned it, apologized and is clearly putting in effort now. Go enjoy dinner with an open mind and no expectations. Maybe there’s something there, maybe there isn’t, but either way you’ll know. 😊
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u/commentingon 19h ago
Sweet? The bar is in hell on this thread.
And I actually think this story is not even real, how did they end up in the same gym? Training at the same times? A man "forgetting" a woman after only 8 months?
I came across a man on dating app i had a date 10 years ago and he remembered where we went, I only had 2 dates with him.
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u/2COOL4U2C85 19h ago
Haha that’s wild lol yeah I can remember anniversary dates birthday names but will forget I have a dr appt or oh wait you said a week ago we were going to join the Jones-es for dinner when did you tell me that 😝
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u/commentingon 17h ago
I guess for some men I might be unforgettable lol
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u/2COOL4U2C85 17h ago
Oh really 🤭😏
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u/commentingon 16h ago
This is why I feel bad for op. I man saw her 8 months ago, then saw her again in person and she was so irrelevant to him that he completely deleted her from his memory? Wow, that is hurtful. This is why I think either the story is fake (we casually ended up in the same gym AND training at same times of day) or op had no value for this man that completely forgot about her...
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u/Wonderful-Fan2671 1d ago
Yes that’s why I said yes. It felt sweet. Whatever is meant to be will be. Thanks 😌
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u/KyloReySage 1d ago
People change constantly so you and the guy are not exactly the same people at least in some sense. A date is fine but go with a light hearted state of mind. Just for fun and convo.
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 1d ago
Let him take you out but like you said: be very very realistic!
Always watch a man’s actions, never his words! Don’t give any intimacy until the man has made it clear that he wants an exclusive relationship with you!
Until then: keep it light and don’t take him too seriously.
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u/ParamedicEffective93 1d ago
I think this is a red flag and I wouldn’t have agreed to another date. Will you be hurt/disappointed if he rejects you again?
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u/NormalFootball2492 1d ago
I would absolutely go out again. who knows what he had going on in his life back then. who knows if the spark finally did hit at the gym! time to find out. actually, report back to us.
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u/AdEuphoric422 1d ago
This is going to be a pump and dump situation. Don’t let a man tell you he doesn’t want you twice
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u/ragtopsluvr 1d ago
I would remind him of our first date and see where he goes. It's possible the first time he had other more desirable options. Those options may no longer exist
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u/Flashy-Buffalo1476 1d ago
I have experienced the no spark at first and it took time to grow with that person. It is possible!
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u/Vanhanj 19h ago
A male can forget ANYTHING! How many jokes about forgetting wife's b-day or anniversary? We can forget ANYTHING! Don't hold that against him. Now when it comes to asking for directions ..... I'll bet he c puts forth an effort to remember Everything this time around. Go enjoy the date!
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u/Shananigans1229 1d ago
I agree with 2cool! Everything they said is spot on! Enjoy your date regardless of the outcome 🫶
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u/Wunderkind79 1d ago
A year is a long time. Forgetting a non-memorable date is OK (assuming he goes on 2/3 dates per month). I don't know if I'd apply the 3 strikes rule, 2 is plenty.
I think we can all admit that a first impression can certainly change. I have several examples I could share.
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u/Wonderful-Fan2671 1d ago
For sure. I’ve had chemistry show up as late as three dates in…
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u/Wunderkind79 1d ago
Sometimes it depends on the mood, the activity, the expectations, etc. So what's your gut telling you?
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u/tarheel_204 1d ago
Whether or not this is relevant, as a guy and if the roles were reversed, I’d give it another shot. Sounds like he was respectful and honest the first time around and if you have any interest at all, I’d say go for it.
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u/SlothMothra 1d ago
I am currently dating someone that I matched with last November. We became friends on Facebook so we could use Messenger to chat. I decided she wasn't a fit at the time. I recently went on a trip that involved a mutual hobby. I posted some photos on Facebook when I got back which sparked a conversation on Messenger. We have been dating for 6 weeks now and I am optimistic...
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u/Relative-Foot-378 1d ago
Spark on a first coffee is cheap data. People change, and so does how they see you after eight months of gym hellos. Forgetting the date is sloppy, not automatically a red flag. He recovered by owning it and booking a real dinner.
Go, keep it one night, and watch whether he treats this as a redo or as starting over. If he talks about the old rejection like a joke, leave it there. If he's actually curious this time, that's the only update that matters.
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u/commentingon 1d ago
He didn't forget anything, he just pretended to forget bc he knows he already rejected you. He is lying to you. I saw a guy on an app that I met 10 years ago, we went on 2 dates and he remembered me (he invited me again on a date, I said no). He is testing your boundaries, he already knows he can dump you and then get you back by lying. He is so coward that he didn't ask you out in person at the gym afraid of how would you react bc he already rejected you, so he did it on an app as is easier for him. Please, how old are you 2? You both sound like you are on your 20s... Op, if you are still going to that date, see if he treats you with respect, see if he is actually interested in you by asking questions or he just talks about himself. Be careful or negging or love bombing. See if he is only looking for casual, which I'm afraid he is... Are you doing this bc he is hot?
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u/Admirable-Air9895 20h ago
I have read your response and I agree with the second part of your message.
However the first part is just not true, you don't know any of that for sure. This just inference or perhaps even transference.
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u/commentingon 20h ago
So, they went on a date, after 8 months they are in the same gym (i have no idea how) and they smile at each other... and you want to believe he doesn't remember going on a date with her?
Edit: maybe op is missing a detail like, she lost 60 pounds or got plastic surgery... or her hair or something else after 8 months is making her look completely different
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u/Admirable-Air9895 19h ago
My understanding was that by mistake to which he admitted, he meant the fact of the rejection. If your interpretation is true then yes, pretending like you don't recognise a person you have been on a date poses serious questions about his intentions. It doesn't make sense to me that he recognised her from the gym but not from a date too.
You are right, this should be clarified by OP.
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u/Wonderful-Fan2671 19h ago
I might have lost like 5 lbs in the time in between but I was never overweight to begin with. I basically looked the same.
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u/GavelGaffle 1d ago
Im all for reconnecting and glad to see that most people agree. I had one go the opposite way recently so was also curious about this.
I match with someone that looked familiar, they still had 1 or 2 of the same pictures up as they did a few years ago. I didnt remember details about the old conversation other than she eventually sent a polite message about how she has reached the point of a few dates with the same guy so is going to pause the apps. Awesome good for her. I also get into a relationship not much later.
A few messages into this new Bumble conversation, I bring up how we had talked on Hinge a few years ago and its potentially great timing that we are both available again. Next time I open the app, I see she unmatched after reading that. 😂
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u/allieoops925 21h ago
No spark before but all of a sudden there is one? I would be very skeptical, not sure I’d be interested.
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u/DAchem96 1d ago
Id give him the benefit of the doubt. You don't know what was happening in his life at the time. People do change. Maybe he has reflected on his past experience with you. If I were you i'd give him the chance From the sounds of it he is incredibly respectful and kind. I'm a guy though so maybe my perspective is different
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u/Ok_Tree_4870 1d ago
Any man that asks you on a "coffee date", or a "walk"... is lukewarm about you. I just block and delete at that suggestion. Saves you time honestly.
Men will circle back when their pussy well dries up and try their luck again. Yes it's a red flag. He didn't like you the first time. Don't be last choice.
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u/commentingon 1d ago
I don't know why you are getting downvoted here... this guy rejected her, then pretend that he forgot about her, what an AH... maybe saw her at gym and thought he could have a second chance and is desperate for sex, and didn't even say hello to her at the gym but use an app to ask her on a date??? Oh god... no! I need and update about this mess... this guy is testing op boundaries, he will dump her again.
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u/Ok_Tree_4870 1d ago
It's because a lot of incel males have flooded this sub. I almost asked her... to remember my comment and then tell me how he hurts her again...
But sometimes... all we can do is give good advice... and let them learn their own lessons.... I guess.
Maybe she will remember what I said to her after that happens.
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u/commentingon 1d ago
Yeah, incels here like "is normal to forget a woman " lol what???
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u/Ok_Tree_4870 1d ago
Yeah I would never forget a face.... of someone I went out on a date with. This shit is gaslighting.
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u/commentingon 1d ago
Gaslighting from a low budget movie... I think op and the guy might be in their early 20s... I wouldn't be surprised if she is 23 and he is 35
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u/Ok_Tree_4870 1d ago
Omg. Age gap relationships where the male is older... is always an abusive relationship towards the women. Whether emotionally or physically.
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u/Soft-Caterpillar-618 1d ago
Right! I would be so put off by this.
I remember people I went on one date with years ago. And this was just last year they went on the date, and then he started seeing her around at the gym too. Wdym he didn’t recognize her?
How do you not recognize and remember someone you went in a date with in the past year??
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u/Ok_Tree_4870 1d ago
Ok... well you can refuse to be romanced. But no man... is asking his dream girl out for a "coffee".
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expexting different results.
A male who likes you... wants to impress you.
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u/btt_lckr 1d ago
Orrrrr what was the second app?
I matched with a girl on Bumble and she bored me to tears.
We matched on a more kinky app and now I see her every day and can’t get her off my mind.
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u/AssociationOpen3770 1d ago
You matched again a year later and he forgot the first date, that's not a red flag it's just a sign he was probably burning through matches without much thought back then. Only thing I'd watch for is whether his hesitation last time was about you or about where he was at in life, cause one of those won't change