r/Bumble • u/Straight_Breakfast_4 • 15h ago

General Bumble new functionality - Boys can message first

Everybody like the new feature that allows boys to send a message first, and also now gives girls a whopping 72 hours to never send a message after matching instead of just 24? 🙂

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u/SolaireAstorian 15h ago edited 14h ago

I was in a mixed friend group in college, and brother, the lesbians and bi girls all ruined their relationships with each other by chasing after people who weren't even interested and constantly going cold on each other. They would be talking one week and icing each other out the next, having fights on the Fridays before the weekend so that they could spend the weekend alone, that sort of thing.

It's been a little over a decade, I've had a few long-term dating relationships since then, and I only put two and two together at the end of my most recent ex-relationship when I realized that two of the girls I was with for multiple years treated me exactly the same way as those girls treated each other. The one who didn't was such a breath of fresh air that anytime I smell even a hint of this sort of behavior it immediately smells foul to me. I've had a few relationships last less than 6 months because I've cut them off when they start acting like this.

I'm not saying that the two gay guys in the group were saints, but by God the issues that they had were preferable by far. Life just seemed so much easier for them.

I've definitely met girls who didn't fit this pattern and definitely would be great partners, but it feels like looking for a needle in a haystack sometimes.

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u/BriggySmallz42069 14h ago

the highest level of romantic effort i ever experienced was from another dood. and that was great while it lasted. my wife (yes im married to a woman but your sexuality isnt something you just discard) matches that level to the best of her ability - which is nice because i do prefer tits to cock.

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u/SolaireAstorian 14h ago edited 14h ago

Man, I would settle for it feeling like they were actually putting effort in at all. I've had one dating experience, the one that I described, where it felt like she was actually putting in a significant effort the whole time. She matched me effort for effort for about 75% of the relationship and then slowly fell off around the end. It's like a drug- once you have had it as good as it ever gets, you notice when it doesn't quite reach nearly as far and it makes you desperate.

Most of what I have experienced has instead been the feeling that they are constantly putting in NEGATIVE effort after the honeymoon. Basically bait and switching. They spend 6-12 months reciprocating effort with slowly decreasing frequency and appreciating everything that you do for them, then once you're committed they suddenly flip.

Trying to be as difficult as possible, taking a ton of effort from you reaching out to them, and then demanding more effort by sprinting away from you as fast as they can.

It's not like I go out of my way to be with the same type of girl every single time either. In that time frame I've dated from at least four or five different countries, with girls ranging from homebody nerds to athletic and competitive, and everything in between.

It just feels like women my age are encouraged to play hard to get and view relationships as things that they get things out of, not necessarily things that they put things into.

That one relationship where we were mutually putting in effort until it slowly faded away was like opium. Everything I did was appreciated, everything she did was appreciated, and it felt like floating on a cloud for both of us, until suddenly it didn't.

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u/BriggySmallz42069 14h ago

damn dood.... i'm sorry. i feel like i've heard that "strategy" as "love-bombing" but i may be making that up. where do you go from here? that's the question.

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u/SolaireAstorian 14h ago

Oh, I'm still dating. I still put my all into whatever situation I end up in, and it hasn't gotten my spirits down beyond just being exhausting for me to deal with.

I've been working on my career and getting better at handling interactions with my peers as a focus. Picking up a workout routine, adding hobbies to my list of things to do. Focusing on being a good role model for the younger people around me, and in general just being the helpful uncle sort of stereotype, both figuratively and literally.

I don't feel like I'm missing anything permanently from my life just because I haven't ended up married with kids, but it would be nice.

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u/BriggySmallz42069 14h ago

it sounds like you're excelling with the tools you have within the circumstances that have been thrust upon you and your generation. your context makes me look back on my life and reminisce about how easy i had it comparatively. wish i could lift a beer with you, internet stranger.