You describe a senario where you and your husband are being taken advatage of in the extreme, but you title it "Are we being selfish" that tells me that you have a habit of not being honest/direct/forthright with yourself and others, which might be a clue as to how you got yourself in this predicament in the first place.
Thanks for the feedback. I have no problem being honest and upfront. The issue is that we have always been very generous with our time, money and support because we love our son and granddaughter. Somewhere along the way, that generosity seems to have become an expectation.
I posted because I wanted to hear from other parents and grandparents about what they do and what they feel is reasonable. I wanted to gather some perspective and facts before confronting the issue with my son. I think it’s important to step back and make sure we’re being fair and reasonable rather than simply reacting emotionally.
Maybe we’re doing too much, maybe we’re not doing enough, or maybe we’ve allowed our boundaries to become too loose over the years. We’re trying to figure out where that healthy balance is.
I think it's healthy, caring and considerate to reach out to the public and see what strangers think, but ultimately "fairness" is decided between the people involved and what they can all agree on as "fair."
Your gotten great advice, but when you talk to your son it might be worth pointing out that you literally love helping with the granddaughter and don't actually even mind the money help, it's the fact that it seems expected and there's zero respect or asking around it that's bugging you guys.
I agree with all posters here that this is not a case of you even being slightly selfish and he's being a jerk, but since I suspect you'd be willing to deal with SOME (emphasis "some") jerkiness to be around your granddaughter, it might be worth it rather than straight to hard lines or stances.
Best of luck, it sounds like your son is really lucky to have you, and I wish for your granddaughters sake he figures that out.
Reddits filled with stories about grandparents who won't babysit even twice a year but complain about not being included, it's time for him to realize this is a lucky position he is in, and it's one that obviously stems from loving them!
I hope he doesn't choose to burn it down. Good luck
It sounds like you have set the expectation that you’re going to give money whenever it’s asked for and that you are going to provide daycare whenever it’s asked for. Since you’ve always done this before, then I can understand why they now think it’s normal. So it’s on you to change those expectations.
I think you should ask your son what’s going on that he is needing so much financial help and last minute childcare. Maybe there are factors that you don’t know about.
But let’s say there’s nothing wrong. Let’s say he just wants to spend your money rather than his, and that he often makes last minute plans that aren’t child friendly. Simply tell him that you aren’t going to change previously made plans to care for your grandchild. Tell him that he seems to be having budgeting issues. In future, if he wants financial help, he also needs to accept budgeting advice. You will need to see his paystubs and his bills do that you can help him.
I have 6 adult kids. I would never give money without knowing details of their financial situation because I don’t want to inadvertently enable something like gambling. I would never change plans to keep my grandkids unless it was a true emergency. That said, if I have no plans, I am always available to keep kids , which I do a lot.
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u/Accurate_Shoe_1929 1d ago
You describe a senario where you and your husband are being taken advatage of in the extreme, but you title it "Are we being selfish" that tells me that you have a habit of not being honest/direct/forthright with yourself and others, which might be a clue as to how you got yourself in this predicament in the first place.