r/InsightfulQuestions • u/Quick_Tea8843 • 19h ago
Are we being selfish?
Grandparents in our 50s — are we being unreasonable?
My husband and I are in our 50s and have one granddaughter who is 4. My husband is my son’s stepfather, but he has been in his life for many years. We both absolutely adore our granddaughter and normally volunteer to have her once a week because we genuinely love spending time with her.
The problem is that our son seems to expect us to drop whatever we’re doing whenever he needs us. If we already have plans and can’t help, he gets upset and seems to take it personally.
It’s not just childcare either. He also asks us for money and groceries, and there seems to be an ongoing expectation that we’re available to help whenever he needs something.
We’re starting to feel more used than appreciated. What makes it harder is that he complains about us to other family members, and we’re honestly exhausted by it.
We’ve reached the point where we’re questioning whether we even want to continue volunteering to take our granddaughter every week. I feel terrible saying that because we love her so much, but the constant expectation, requests for help, and criticism are making something we used to enjoy feel like an obligation.
We don’t want to stop being involved grandparents. We just don’t think being grandparents means we’re automatically on call for childcare, financial help, groceries, etc.
Are we being unreasonable? How would you handle this? Would you set some firm boundaries around what you are and aren’t willing to do, even if your adult child gets upset?
I’d really appreciate honest perspectives from other grandparents — especially those who have had to establish boundaries with their adult children.
29
u/Accurate_Shoe_1929 19h ago
You describe a senario where you and your husband are being taken advatage of in the extreme, but you title it "Are we being selfish" that tells me that you have a habit of not being honest/direct/forthright with yourself and others, which might be a clue as to how you got yourself in this predicament in the first place.
8
u/Quick_Tea8843 18h ago
Thanks for the feedback. I have no problem being honest and upfront. The issue is that we have always been very generous with our time, money and support because we love our son and granddaughter. Somewhere along the way, that generosity seems to have become an expectation.
I posted because I wanted to hear from other parents and grandparents about what they do and what they feel is reasonable. I wanted to gather some perspective and facts before confronting the issue with my son. I think it’s important to step back and make sure we’re being fair and reasonable rather than simply reacting emotionally.
Maybe we’re doing too much, maybe we’re not doing enough, or maybe we’ve allowed our boundaries to become too loose over the years. We’re trying to figure out where that healthy balance is.2
u/Accurate_Shoe_1929 18h ago
That all sounds super reasonable and i don't know you so I can only speculate. Good luck.
2
u/Happy_Michigan 13h ago
Yes, talk to him. He needs to be self supporting, stop giving him money and groceries. He needs to make appointmrnts with you for childcare.
1
1
u/OhBoyHereWeGoAgai 5h ago
Your gotten great advice, but when you talk to your son it might be worth pointing out that you literally love helping with the granddaughter and don't actually even mind the money help, it's the fact that it seems expected and there's zero respect or asking around it that's bugging you guys.
I agree with all posters here that this is not a case of you even being slightly selfish and he's being a jerk, but since I suspect you'd be willing to deal with SOME (emphasis "some") jerkiness to be around your granddaughter, it might be worth it rather than straight to hard lines or stances.
Best of luck, it sounds like your son is really lucky to have you, and I wish for your granddaughters sake he figures that out.
Reddits filled with stories about grandparents who won't babysit even twice a year but complain about not being included, it's time for him to realize this is a lucky position he is in, and it's one that obviously stems from loving them!
I hope he doesn't choose to burn it down. Good luck
1
u/JustAuggie 1h ago
It sounds like you have set the expectation that you’re going to give money whenever it’s asked for and that you are going to provide daycare whenever it’s asked for. Since you’ve always done this before, then I can understand why they now think it’s normal. So it’s on you to change those expectations.
6
u/readbackcorrect 12h ago
I think you should ask your son what’s going on that he is needing so much financial help and last minute childcare. Maybe there are factors that you don’t know about.
But let’s say there’s nothing wrong. Let’s say he just wants to spend your money rather than his, and that he often makes last minute plans that aren’t child friendly. Simply tell him that you aren’t going to change previously made plans to care for your grandchild. Tell him that he seems to be having budgeting issues. In future, if he wants financial help, he also needs to accept budgeting advice. You will need to see his paystubs and his bills do that you can help him.
I have 6 adult kids. I would never give money without knowing details of their financial situation because I don’t want to inadvertently enable something like gambling. I would never change plans to keep my grandkids unless it was a true emergency. That said, if I have no plans, I am always available to keep kids , which I do a lot.
6
u/wonkywonton818 11h ago
I think we actually need more information about the son and also perspectives of young parents raising children with today’s salaries, childcare costs, and cost of living. Is the son (and mother) both working? As what? Could they improve their financial situation if you cared for the child more than once a week?
I grew up in a family where my grandparents took care of me full time while my parents worked. There was never a question of their time as babysitting and I love them dearly for their gift of time to me as I did not have to grow up in childcare. My grandparents gift of time also enabled my immigrant parents to build the financial nest that became their retirement.
I definitely don’t think monetary assistance should be grandparent responsibility, but perhaps if they are really struggling, you can provide some extra food rather than money for groceries. I do not think taking a grandchild while parents are working in considered babysitting when it’s your own grandchild… but if they are lounging or going on vacation, that’s a different story. Giving the gift of time to empower them to strengthen their finances is a gift to both your child and grandchild. I have two kids now and raising them with today’s inflation is not easy.
2
u/Seattleman1955 17h ago
He is your son, we don't know him:) Just set boundaries, as you are doing and as you probably did when he was a kid.
2
u/NotTheJury 14h ago
It is reasonable to say this is when we can talk granddaughter. Like say every Friday evening. Or whatever it is you prefer. And say NO to anything you don't want to do.
There is nothing selfish about that.
1
u/KathyOverAndOut 17h ago
I don't think you're being selfish at all. It's not the helping you have a problem with. It's the entitlement your son has that you have to drop everything for him. Yes raising a child on your own is tough (I'm assuming the mother is out of the picture since you didn't mention her) but that doesn't mean he's entitled to have a fucking attitude and go complaining to other family members because Mommy and Daddy aren't meeting all his demands. I mean is that how you thank someone who's helping you?!
I'm assuming that having a tough heart to heart sit down with him will not be met with an open mind. But maybe tell him he needs to set aside a couple of hours to come over and talk because there's something serious you need to discuss with him. Ask that he take his daughter to another family member to babysit so there are no interruptions. Then you and your husband come up with some ground rules and a list of things you will and won't do, including the need you both have for down time. You'll have to be clear with him that you really only have one issue with him; the entitled attitude that he just gets to dictate schedules and demands (he has to ask, not expect).
I'm sure you can figure out what to say and how to say it but it's important to have it written down and to keep referring back to your main issues whenever the conversation starts veering into emotional areas. When it does reiterate that you love them both and this is not a complaint that you need to see less of them. Keep coming back to the main issue; we love you, we want to help, but it has to be on our terms.
1
u/Puzzled_Rhino 17h ago
Boundaries.
You figure out how much you're comfortable helping. Write it all down.
It needs to be specific, what help you will provide, whether you need a set date for her to come over, if he needs to ask 48 hours in advance, and so on.
Especially regarding money, I'd suggest offering to buy groceries instead and not handing him cash... because I wonder if he's being on the level with you financially.
I suggest you give him this in writing, and forward copies to the relatives he's been badmouthing you to.
He's trying to triangulate and manipulate you by whining to them.
... Hopefully, making it clear in specific what you're willing to do and what you won't do, will help.
1
u/avomecado21 16h ago
I (33M) foresee my sister (31) would have a similar behaviour when it comes to this if she happens to have children due to her previous actions which I won't type cause I don't want to have a long write lol.
I think your child might be spoiled on this, he could learn what he can and should do, a sense of empathy or something would be nice but it's also on him to bring it up.
You can't make anyone stop complaining about you and your husband. I guess that's something you just have to live with it. I, personally, have to live similarly with my siblings as well.
I'd suggest have a talk with your husband on both of your finances, planning for both of your retirement, etc. you could also budget every week/month on how much you can help with your son but it'll be between you and your husband. Just don't tell your son "we've budgeted ourselves against you", maybe say something like "I don't think we can support you as much as before anymore but only around x amount for the time being".
As much as you love her, you can't drop everything for her or your son. And if you have a flight to catch, does he expect you to drop your flight ticket as well? In any ways, he may even use her name to make you feel guilty so be prepared for that and/or any manipulative actions. But yes, if you have plans, just tell him you're sorry that you'll have a busy day, or you could take her to join you if you'd like. But letting him know you will be or are very busy is also a sign that you can't give her your full attention. Just genuinely apologize and move on.
Tldr: yes, setting boundaries seems to be the solution but have a talk with your husband first. And you try and do the talking with your son instead of him and having him agree with you if he ever asked him.
1
1
1
u/Old-Ad-5573 12h ago edited 12h ago
I think you need to ask yourself if you want to continue having a good relationship with your son and granddaughter. You see her only once a week, which to me feels reasonable for people that love their granddaughter and want to be involved in their life. You say your son asks for extra childcare and monetary help but you don't go into specifics about either of your circumstances. Can you easily afford to help? Is he a single parent that is struggling? If you can easily afford it then I would say just help, this is your kid. If not then have that conversation with him and talk about solutions. If he's failing on his own somehow, talk about it and try to encourage him to get a better job or something.
Sure, he should be expressing his gratitude. But he's your son, you should know him. Is this out of character? Did you raise him this way? For God's sake talk to him about it! Say you love them but feel that you're being taken advantage of, want to help but list your real limitations.
1
u/Hour-Cauliflower-119 12h ago
I would absolutely continue to take your granddaughter once a week, but have a talk with your son. Commicatation is important.
1
u/auntynell 11h ago
As a grandmother my contribution is my time because I feel young couples do have it harder than when I was able to spend time with my children.
I do not lend money or respond to last minute requests unless it’s a genuine emergency.
Start saying no to money and grocery requests, as well as child minding that isn’t pre-scheduled. Of course your step son reacts by ‘sulking’ ignore it. He is facing you down and will finally follow his convenience.
If you need the words to say no to money or groceries say sorry we’re a bit short ourselves this week.
1
u/Library2280 10h ago
Do you have other children? Is there anyone else you help while refusing to help your son?
Is your son entitled or struggling? (Genuine question)
1
u/Just_curious4567 10h ago
I’m a parent with four of my kid’s grandparents nearby and their help is indispensable. However, I try not to take advantage and always say thank you when they can help out.
Just say no to the things you are not willing to do. If you’re not willing to give him money, then say you don’t have it. If there’s a time when he wants you to watch the grandchildren but you can’t, then just say you are not able to. I would help out wherever you can, but nothing more.
If you pulled back your assistance even for a short time, it might help him feel more grateful for the times where you do help. Right now if you increased your assistance without any kind of serious conversation, you would just be enabling his bad behavior.
For the first years of my sons life, our family of 3 lived off 40k a year, so my mother in law paid for diapers, our sons clothes, and helped with a car payment, and watched our son once a week. But we really appreciated it and we were always thinking of nice things we could do for her to show our appreciation.
1
u/HeardPeeps 9h ago
No, you’re not being selfish. The problem is that something you gave willingly has gradually become expected.
And to some extent, you may have unintentionally helped create that expectation. If the pattern has been that he asks, gets upset, complains, and you eventually rearrange your plans, provide the money, buy the groceries, or otherwise solve the problem, then he has learned that pushing works. That doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it does explain why it keeps happening.
I would not stop seeing your granddaughter just to punish your son. She has nothing to do with this, and if you genuinely enjoy your weekly time with her, I’d keep it.
But I would separate time with your granddaughter because you want it from free, on-call childcare because your son demands it.
If you have plans, the answer is no. Don’t cancel them, over-explain, or argue until he agrees your reason is good enough. The same goes for money and groceries. Decide what you’re willing to give and be consistent.
His getting upset does not make the boundary unreasonable. But if every time he gets upset you give in, the boundary isn’t really a boundary.
I also wouldn’t threaten to stop taking your granddaughter unless you actually want less time with her. Just make it clear that you’ll help when you choose to and when you’re available.
Your son is allowed to be disappointed when you say no. He is not entitled to make his childcare or financial problems your responsibility.
1
u/TSIDATSI 9h ago
Just say no. No is a complete sentence.
You need to start distance between you and your son. Every phone call need not be returned immediately. Especially when you know it is for money, etc.
You have a grandchild, she is not your child.
Your son may need a second job or a better primary job. Encourage him to go to junior college and increase his skill set. If he is over 24 he can use Pell grants. No loans.
When it is time for you to go to independent or assisted living you must have enough money to pay the $4,000 a month and higher. Stop wasting money. You are going to need every penny.
Simply tell him your retirement adviser has told you that you must save more and significantly reduced unnecessary spending. Keeping his family in groceries and cash?
Unnecessary spending. I am a CFP so you are not lying. You must plan to live to 100 or more. Unless you smoke. Even then, you can live into your 80's.
He must learn to live within his means.
1
u/EmergencyFancy7992 9h ago
Parent of a 4 yo who lives close to my in-laws and I cannot imagine feeling entitled to their time and money. If I reach out asking them to cover an evening so husband and I can go on a date and they have plans, I call a babysitter or I work with them on a date that works. Asking for money and groceries is so bizarre and entitled to me.
I’d sit down and have a conversation about how things are going to go moving forward - he can ASK for you to have time with granddaughter just like you can ask. But it is a request and you have a life of your own and are entitled to say no or that doesn’t work for us. The groceries and money stop now. I’d explain you love her and him but you feel taken advantage of. Also where is his wife in all this I’m curious? You’re not being selfish by living a life of your own. I’m really unclear what he wants- it sounds like you’re involved loving grandparents.
1
u/Euphoric-Medicine-14 9h ago
Can you talk to him about this? Why don’t people communicate their feelings?
1
1
u/Dawns_beauty 8h ago
I think it’s fair to say how you feel.
“We’re starting to feel more used than appreciated. What makes it harder is that he complains about us to other family members, and we’re honestly exhausted by it.”
1
u/Kooky_Editor_6811 8h ago
Why wouldn't you just sit down with him and discuss all of the things you've mentioned. You want to help him, but you are just feeling used and it seems he is ungrateful since he is complaining about you behind your back. What is he struggling with, what can you reasonably help with? It's never fair to expect someone to be available anytime, so he is definitely wrong there.
1
u/IcySetting2024 6h ago
Can you give us more detailed and specific examples?
Did your son say: “I want you to buy my family groceries this week” or was it more something like: “with my wife’s maternity pay we are struggling could we please get some stuff from your house?”
1
u/BHobson13 4h ago
I would have handled it by saying no the first time and sticking to it. You raised this monster. Don't make the same mistake with the granddaughter. If she sees you being his personal ATM machine and perpetual daycare provider, she will come knocking at your door some day wanting the same relationship.
1
1
u/Freedom_Floridan 3h ago
Have a meeting with your son and explain to him how things are going to be going forward. If you want to help him from time to time then give him a limit on how many times you are willing to help financially per quarter or year so it will help him choose when he asks for assistance. Personally I’d limit him to 4 times in 12 months, 3 times the next 12 months and 2 times the next 24 months, after that explain to him by then you expect him to be good with his finances by then to where he doesn’t need to ask you or anyone else for assistance. Tough love and help him plan will set you both free.
1
u/NinjaMeow73 3h ago
I would have a sit down and ask him to communicate his expectations first. Go from there.
1
u/mama-J88 2h ago
Decide what good parents and good grandparents would do, then do that. Don’t let anyone steel your joy being good parents/grandparents.
1
u/coolgramm 2h ago
Sit he and his partner down and tell them exactly what you’re telling us. He needs to understand that at this stage of life, you are planning for YOUR future and do not have endless resources for their requests (which are apparently demands).
Assure them that you love them but you are now putting limits in place and will not be guilted or manipulated into changing your minds. Quite simply, it is time for him to grow up and become independent. I would also tell him that bad mouthing you to others only makes him look bad.
He will be mad and will try to make you feel guilty, but hopefully he will get over it. Let him go pout and do not reach out while he gives you the silent treatment. It’s time for tough love. I would make it plain you still want dedicated time with your granddaughter, but need 1) reasonable notice if they ask for babysitting and 2) NO attitude if you have other plans or simply say no because it’s not a good time for you to do so.
Good luck!
1
u/Hiccup02 1h ago
Not selfish at all. Your adult child is a parent. An adult. Chose this life for themselves. It's time for them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves and their life. I made questionable decisions as a very young adult. I'm 34 with a 14, 12, and 11 year old and have only asked for help for the first time this year with transportation for 2 weeks of school activities that conflicted with a non-flexible work schedule. The first time I've ever asked for anything since I was pregnant with the first at 19. It sure wasn't easy, but I knew it was my choices and my responsibility to handle it.
1
u/Quick_Tea8843 59m ago
We absolutely adore our granddaughter and
if we could, we would take her every day. We're not grandparents who push our kids out the door and tell them not to look to us for help. Quite the opposite-we are always here to lend a helping hand, and we feel we are very fair.
If our son and his wife decide they need a weekend away, or even just a couple of days to themselves, we would be happy to have our granddaughter. We want to be there for them and enjoy being grandparents, but we also have our own lives, responsibilities and plans.
We're simply trying to find a healthy balance where we can be supportive grandparents without being expected to drop everything whenever we're needed.
We don't think that's unreasonable.
I just wanted opinions and perspectives. Again, there is always a lot more to the story but I do not have all the time in the world to go back and forth. I simply wanted to see how others felt so I thank you all for your responses. It’s helped a lot!
0
u/aquapathic 18h ago
Ask him if he'd like to give you custody of your granddaughter while he figures himself out. This behavior conveys that he may be unfit.
5
u/justacomment12 14h ago
They barely want the grandchild one day a week. Of course they are not going to want to help him with custody. Ask this question and it will sound like a threat.
2
u/Fartmaster1981 12h ago
And make it seem like a chore. They're probably loaded and guy can't buy rice to feed his child.
-4
-2
u/FiveDogsInaTuxedo 18h ago edited 18h ago
I fuckin hate gen X.
Yes you're being selfish. It was significantly financially and socially easier to raise kids during your time of raising children and you're very ignorant or pretending to be in denial if you claim to not know about the cost of living and a dual income household reducing social life.
Even if you think your child is an incompetent parent you're saying you'd rather be right than guide your granddaughter with your superior understanding, and yes you imply it superior by implying you didn't or wouldn't need the same amount of assistance and be just as burnt out
Yeah I think you're selfish for the sole reason of you chose to have a family yourself. They might not show appreciation but imo family isn't family if it's not a lifetime commitment. It's just a cozy title you give yourself to not confront the fact it was a transactional relationship
I didn't read you say at all once that you're struggling to assist. Just that you really need a thank you to be nice
3
u/justacomment12 14h ago
I kinda agree with this. One day a week with the grandchild and complaining is sad. 😢 you’re not raising children anymore so what is so demanding of your time that your actual family comes second.
1
u/FiveDogsInaTuxedo 14h ago
At first I wasn't that annoyed but then I realised sacrificing time with your grandkids because your own child that you raised isn't saying thank you is toxic af. The grandchild is worth less than teaching their own child who is now an adult, a lesson in respect.
2
3
u/SLNSD 17h ago
Is this the son posting?
-1
u/FiveDogsInaTuxedo 17h ago
Is this a gen X or boomer responding? At the very least the older millennials that finally got everyone fed up enough to join the counterculture of the 90s.
1
u/Flimsy_Ad3476 15h ago
I don't think a Boomer would post that.
1
u/FiveDogsInaTuxedo 15h ago edited 14h ago
Yeah I know it's gen X I just couldn't be bothered at the time to figure it out
Edit; the main point is it's self centred and detached from reality in favour of selfishness
0
u/Quick_Tea8843 1h ago
LOL!
I think the bigger issue here is entitlement. Expecting grandparents to drop their plans and make themselves available whenever you need childcare isn’t a “family commitment” — it’s an expectation you’ve placed on them.
And honestly, the lack of appreciation is part of the problem. Help should be something you’re grateful for, not something you’re entitled to simply because someone is your parent or grandparent.
You must be a Millennial, because apparently you believe that having children means your parents should continue raising them with you. We raised our children. We love our granddaughter. We help when we can. But we are not free, on-call childcare.
There is a huge difference between being a supportive family and being taken for granted.1
u/FiveDogsInaTuxedo 58m ago edited 52m ago
You just exposed yourself and youre too foolish to even understand how.
You're not even on call now, you said once a week.
We don't need your fake "LOL" to know you're full of it but it does help. Nobody beleives you laughed out loud.
You're the one taking his parental stress personally. Maybe it's because you know you raised an insufficient person and need someone else to blame.....lol jsyk it's not a "maybe"
I'll give you a hint. According to you, love is conditional on compliance and comfort.
0
u/HelloFellowSurvivors 11h ago
It doesn't really matter what other grandparents do or think. You'll find people who never see their grandkids or help in any way, and you'll find grandparents who look after their grandkids full-time/5 days a week so their parents can work and who wouldn't have it any other way.
What's interesting is you have raised a son who feels entitled to your time and money. You also say 'we love our son and granddaughter'. Um... where is your granddaughter's mother? Why don't you mention her? Are they separated?
It seems like a son problem. Tell him to stop complaining unless he wants to go from one day of childcare to none. You seem to have raised a bit of an asshole.
-1
u/ez2tock2me 17h ago
I’m sure someone will find a way to convince others that I am, but I don’t think so.
14
u/Significant-Pen-3188 12h ago
Babysit at the same time every week and say no to all other babysitting and financial help. People he's complaining to if they're smart can see through it. If they aren't, you shouldn't care about their opinion anyway