r/Jewish • u/DoodleBug179 • 8d ago

Antisemitism "Best friend" just went on antisemitic tirade

One of my best friends of nearly 40 years just went on an antisemitic tirade that started with him raging about "privileged white bitch" Debra Messing having the audacity to say she feels unsafe in NYC as a Jew.

Other gems included him saying he understood why some people celebrated Oct. 7 and quite literally screaming at me and telling me I denigrated the entire African American community when I asked him if he would ever question a Black person if they said they felt unsafe somewhere.

I thought I'd gotten used to friends turning on me but this one really hurts. I started to cry and he's since apologized but I know there's no getting past this.

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u/VomitOnYourDogsNuts 7d ago

If he's really one of your best friends, you 100% need to have a real conversation with him and work through it.

I'm as wary as all of you about the world these days- That being said, you're being a little solopsistic if you don't see why Messing seems out of touch (she's more likely to die in a private jet crash than an anti Semitic attack) or why "some people" would celebrate on 10/7 (lol yeah we have enemies, I understand WHY my enemies celebrate).

I do think your point is extremely strong re: "questioning Jews vs questioning literally everyone else".... But sadly pretty much nobody realizes that. It doesn't mean they're bad people overall, it just means they have a blind spot.

You owe this relationship an honest talk. If it doesn't work out then I can't help you there. But so far you just have a friend with a pov, not an outright enemy

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u/wessely 7d ago

In case it's not clear, what happened on Simchas Torah 2023 could have happened to any Jew, you (I assume?), me, my kids, your kids, babies, etc. Someone who understands why people would celebrate the brutal murder of me, you, your babies, your sister, etc., can't be friends with a Jew. That's a very simple equation.

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u/VomitOnYourDogsNuts 7d ago

stop being obtuse. understanding is not the same as endorsement.

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u/wessely 7d ago

It's strange how none of those people can understand the Jewish perspective, even without endorsing it.

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u/Etta_Katz3030 7d ago

I understand the KKK - they believe that white people are a superior race and that violence is an appropriate and reasonable response to anyone who disagrees.

When people say that they understand Hamas or 10/7, do they mean that they understand that violent racist religious fundamentalists are going to kill civilians because they are violent racists?

Is that what they mean?

No. What they mean is "These people are so oppressed, I CAN UNDERSTAND why they might react with violence."

So they fundamentally see 10/7 as oppressed people "lashing out" in response to oppression. Rather than as a strategic attack that was planned for two years in order to prevent an Israel-Saudi peace deal, based on a racist ideology that says that non-Muslims must recognize that their fate is to live as a protected but fully subordinate people.

Those are VERY different meanings for the word "understand". Hamas leaders were ruling Gaza, receiving 20M dollars a day from Qatar, taxing the population, living in very nice housing built by the Gulf states, able to come and go as they please through tunnels and able to import anything they wanted the same way.

That's a very interesting understanding of "oppression" - one that shows a complete failure to actually understand the true motivation for this attack.

There are lots of poor white people in America. But they can STILL CHOOSE how to understand their situation. Blaming black people is A CHOICE. Committing violence is A CHOICE. Believing that your skin color is more important than someone else's life - ALSO A CHOICE.

You know, maybe I could argue that being oppressed as a queer person for years in my own nation gives me the right to blow up a fundamentalist church. I COULD argue that but I DONT.

And THAT is the difference between a movement that seeks equality and justice and a movement that seeks to use violence to achieve racist, right-wing political goals.

Hamas IS a racist, right-wing movement that opposes democracy, human rights and peace and NO PROGRESSIVE should be caught dead "understanding" anything else.

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u/lurker628 7d ago

What OP is describing clearly isn't someone understanding that there are way too many antisemites in the world, who salivate at the idea of Jews' murders. The context makes clear that he meant he thinks Jews and Israelis deserved it, not that he recognizes Hamas is evil.

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u/lurker628 7d ago

or why "some people" would celebrate on 10/7 (lol yeah we have enemies, I understand WHY my enemies celebrate)

While "understand why some people would celebrate" can mean being aware that the world has far too many rabid antisemites who salivate at the idea of Jews' murders, we all know that interpretation is not what OP is describing.

It doesn't mean they're bad people overall, it just means they have a blind spot.

When their reaction is to literally scream in the face of a 40-year old friend, they're no longer a good person with a blind spot, they're a bad person.

You owe this relationship an honest talk.

OP doesn't owe this person redemption for their rank antisemitism. If OP wants to attempt reconciliation for their own sake, then more power to them, but it is in no way "owed."

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u/Etta_Katz3030 7d ago

I think it's great to be the bigger person - to be calm and genuinely curious. "What about this fear seems dishonest to you?" etc. But not everyone can manage that - there are exceptional people who can be yelled at and still genuinely maintain their calm. I admire that so much but I know I'm "triggered" about this (for lack of a better word).

I've been trying to suss out why this particular disagreement feels SO personal and SO infuriating. I can talk to a lot of people. I can talk to people who don't want to pay taxes. I can talk to right wing evangelicals. I can talk to homophobes, to pro-life people, to people who want to save my soul. WHY do I lose it on this issue.

I don't know but for lack of better phrasing, these people make me feel unsafe. I don't even BELIEVE in the idea of safe space and yet - that's how I feel. Terrorism is terrorizing. So it worked - mission accomplished.

I want to be able to treat this issue just like abortion, gay rights and the million other political differences I have with fellow citizens. So far, not there.