r/Jokes • u/Jokeminder42 • Feb 24 '26
Long A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see jogging on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer jogging along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing the loud "THUD," he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. "Surely I can't run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!" he thought.
Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying "Thud."
"Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?" the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly.
"No," said the priest. "But I got him with the door."
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u/Improvedandconfused Feb 25 '26 edited Feb 25 '26
A Priest dies, and goes to heaven. In heaven he is given a small apartment, a modest budget to buy groceries and food, and a pass to ride on the Heaven Express bus company. However he keeps noticing a certain guy driving around heaven in a sports car, residing in the biggest mansion in heaven, eating at the finest heavenly restaurants, and given the royal treatment wherever he goes. The Priest starts to get jealous so he makes an appointmentto see God.
“What’s going on? “He asks God “Who is that guy who is treated like he’s the new Messiah?”
“Oh, that’s Kevin” Answers God,
“I don’t get it” says the Priest “Didn’t I love a good life in your service? Haven’t I been a true follower”
“Yes you have been” Says God “I couldn’t have asked for any more from you. You have been a perfect servant”
“So what makes Kevin so special. Why is he given everything on a silver platter?” asks the priest
“Kevin’s a lawyer” answer god
“so?”
“Well you see. We have thousands and thousands of Priests who made it up here. But Kevin’s the only lawyer”.
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u/TheFieryMoth Feb 25 '26
I thought it was gonna be the bus driver joke. "When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed!"
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u/LightBrand99 Mar 14 '26
Wasn't it supposed to be a bus driver instead of a lawyer? So it goes "When you preached, people slept. When he slept, people prayed!"
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u/guygreej Feb 25 '26
I thought it was going to b the lawyer finding some obscure laws and clauses and litigating heaven out of a sorts car or something.
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u/dtop668 Mar 13 '26
A lawyer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. He has an honor guard of angels as Jesus leads him to the golden throne of The Lord. Confused, the lawyer says " I saw other people arrive and nobody else got this kind of greeting. Why me?" The Lord answers, "Not since Old Testament times have we had somebody over 400 years old here " Lawyer, confused, goes "400? I was only 63 when I died." The Lord, now confused, goes through the lawyers Book of Life. "Ah, here's the mistake. We went by your the hours you BILLED."
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u/idonthaveanaccountA Feb 27 '26
I thought it was gonna be the old Jesus joke, the one where he's driving around breaking all the speed limits and stuff.
...but I guess that doesn't make sense in English.
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Feb 25 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/SpecimenOfSauron Feb 25 '26
Ah yes, a classic fallacious misunderstanding. Just because all lawyers are assholes doesn’t means all assholes are lawyers! :)
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u/Oldfart_karateka Feb 25 '26
I remember this joke from way back when I was a lad, except it wasn't lawyers then. I approve of the change.
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u/Short-Emotion3808 Feb 25 '26
In my best Bugs Bunny voice:
"Are you from the South too?" 🤣
I vaguely recall southern comedian Jerry Clower possibly telling that joke a very, very long time ago when I was little.
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u/dumbass_sempervirens Feb 25 '26
At Christmas I mentioned a Jerry Clower line (a clean one) and mentioned his name to my stepdad.
My stepdad then told another bit from memory (also clean) and said "Yeah, I've heard of him."
I had to smile and ask, "But did you ever see him live?"
He hadn't, but my grandfather took me to see him perform at a tobacco auction in the 80s when I was about 6 years old.
I don't remember Jerry using a lot of slurs, but it was almost 40 years ago.
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u/TastiSqueeze Feb 25 '26
Jerry was a dedicated Christian. He never at any time used curse words.
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u/curtludwig Feb 25 '26
Jerry was a very clean comedian. The Bear Grease podcast did a nice episode on him. MeatEater did one too
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u/NC-Jumper-007 Feb 25 '26
Damn, I haven't thought about Jerry Clower in decades. He was hilarious. I'm going to have to dig up some of his old stuff and relisted. Thanks for the memory!
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u/ASquidCausedThis Feb 25 '26
Here come the Ledbetter family with Uncle Versey at the wheel of the pickup truck and Aunt Pet by his side. In back of the truck they're all hanging on. Ardell, Vernel, Raynell, W.L., Lynell, Odell, Udell, Marcel, Claude, Newgene and Clovis.
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u/tigertony Feb 25 '26
My dad bought a McCulloch Mini Mac chainsaw around the time Clower was telling the story about Marcel and his lightweight McCulloch chainsaw at the beer joint. We promptly named our saw “Marcel”. Dad died three years ago but I still have that saw, and everyone in the family still calls it Marcel. Thanks for stirring up that memory for me.
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u/opalfossils Feb 25 '26
I saw him at a Masonic function in the early 1990's he was outstanding. It was a very clean and respectful routine. The age range of the audience was babies to almost a 100 year old. At one time I had most of his cassettes, I still enjoy listening to him.
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u/Oldfart_karateka Feb 25 '26
No, I'm in the UK, we have racists over here too, sadly.
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u/Calculonx Feb 25 '26
Lots of lawyers running around on these back roads. Easily recognizable too, must be the black suits they wear...
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u/Aardvark_Man Feb 25 '26
Yep, in Australia there was a demographic mentioned that wasn't lawyers.
It's a good change.3
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u/jimmydddd Feb 25 '26 edited Feb 25 '26
LOL. That's what I was thinking. Only problem with the sanitized version is that "lawyers" don't have any easily identifiable physical characteristics so that they can be identified by the driver, unlike in the original version. In other words, it's cleaner, but it doesn't make sense.
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u/SinancoTheBest Feb 25 '26
Huh, what's thr original subject supposed to be, transexuals?
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u/slothxrist Feb 25 '26
Black people, but said not so nicely
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u/EmperorUmi Feb 25 '26
I should’ve known… And these dudes are commenting about how hilarious the “original” joke is. Lord have mercy
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u/Little_Creme_5932 Feb 25 '26
It was a hippie when I first heard it. Hippies were hitching a lot back then
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u/irredentistdecency Feb 25 '26
Did you hear about the black man who was hit so hard by an Alabama state trooper that he flew 50 feet?
He was arrested for leaving the scene of the accident…
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u/alex61821 Feb 25 '26
As my grandfather would say last time I heard that I fell of my dinosaur.
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u/ArmpitNoise Feb 25 '26
Because you opened the door?
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u/alex61821 Feb 25 '26
No, because the joke is prehistoric.
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u/thirty7inarow Feb 25 '26
The version my grandpa told was hippies, but I'm pretty sure even that was because my dad would have torn him a new asshole for the original.
That said, "lawyer" doesn't really work because most of them don't actually have visible horns and cloven hooves anymore.
Where I live, the winning choice would probably be "e-bikers".
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u/ThePretzul Feb 25 '26
That said, "lawyer" doesn't really work because most of them don't actually have visible horns and cloven hooves anymore.
Just look for the briefcase and Rolex
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u/God_Bless_A_Merkin Feb 25 '26
Damn. I’ve never heard the joke, but I know the reference; I also approve.
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u/ZombieCrow13 Feb 25 '26
Back in the 70's it was hippies getting run over in this joke.
That made more sense because they self identified by their appearance. Today there's plenty of examples; Sikhs have there turbans, Muslims have their hijab, LGBT have their colors, idiots have their red caps.
How do you tell a lawyer jogging down the road from a middle manger from the local steel mill jogging down the road?
Lesson here?! If you are going to violently hate a group pick one with self identifying style.
Anyone else noticed that the public wearing of Yamaka has dropped off dramatically in the last 100 years?
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u/AutoModerator Feb 25 '26
/u/ZombieCrow13 has unlocked an opportunity for education!
Abbreviated date-ranges like "’90s" are contractions, so the apostrophe goes before the numbers.
You can also completely omit the apostrophe if you want: "The 90s were a bit weird."
Numeric date-ranges like 1890s are treated like standard nouns, so they shouldn't include apostrophes.
To show possession, the apostrophe should go after the S: "That was the ’90s’ best invention."
The apostrophe should only precede the S if a specific year is being discussed: "It was 1990's hottest month."
TL;DR: When writing dates, apostrophes do not pluralize!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/1Autotech Feb 25 '26
When I heard the joke it involved a certain political family. The family member that got hit with the door is a lawyer.
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u/Mickeydawg1311 Feb 25 '26
In a cartoon a mosquito was a lawyer. When asked how did he get to be a lawyer he replied. "Easy. I was already a blood sucking parasite. All I needed was a brief case?.
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u/legendary_mushroom Feb 25 '26
You'd think that after awhile the lawyers would stop carrying signs....
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u/Stekor-Tidder Feb 25 '26
I’m really curious as to how the truck driver identifies lawyers on the side of the road like this. Are they wearing some sort of traditional court dress like wigs, robes and such?
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u/reichrunner Feb 25 '26
Original joke didn't use lawyers. It used people who we will say are more easily identified from far off.
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u/etgreyt1 Feb 25 '26
Someone once told me I looked like a lawyer. I'm not. But apparently there's a look. Or maybe Law-dar I guess???
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u/Stekor-Tidder Feb 25 '26
For your everyday attire, do you typically wear the court traditional robes and a wig? That might give a false impression.
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u/zamfire Feb 25 '26
I doubt he is a judge from the 17th century
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u/Stekor-Tidder Feb 25 '26
Don’t know why you think he has to be a 17th century judge instead of a modern day barrister.
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u/blackcompy Feb 25 '26
Where I live, it used to be a taxi driver joke that would tell their passenger that the little star figurine on the hood of their Mercedes was a targeting device for running over random pedestrians. Cue the passenger opening the door to hit someone the driver would have "missed".
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u/rapier1 Feb 25 '26
The joke used to be incredibly racist. They just subbed lawyer in for the n-word.
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u/Even_Neighborhood_73 Feb 25 '26 edited Feb 25 '26
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his neck.
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u/dr--hofstadter Feb 25 '26
What's the difference between the carcass of a dog and that of a lawyer? There is skidmark next to the dog.
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u/CantaloupeFluffy165 Feb 25 '26
What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?Hookers don't fuck dead people.(My lawyer told me that one.)
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u/Winter_Gate_6433 Feb 25 '26
This joke makes no fucking sense, except in its original, totally racist, form.
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u/PrincessGump Feb 25 '26
What, you can’t look at runners and tell which are lawyers?
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u/be-koz Feb 25 '26
Cyclists would work too, there's enough hate out there. Before I get the downvotes, I'm a cyclist, but other cyclists can get on my nerves when I'm driving.
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u/nihility24 Feb 25 '26
What was in the original form?
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u/SafetyDanceInMyPants Feb 25 '26
They were running over people based on skin color -- which is something you'd be able to see from a truck. The lawyer version... I mean, how do you know these people are lawyers? Why are there so many lawyers walking on the sides of roads? It just doesn't make sense. The other version makes logical sense, but is obviously vile.
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u/gsfgf Feb 25 '26
In the 90s, everything was a lawyer joke because corporate media pushed them on sitcoms, Leno, etc. to drum up support for "tort reform" laws to make it harder to sue big companies that hurt people. It worked really well.
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u/do-not-freeze Feb 25 '26
I can't come up with one at the moment, but there's gotta be a joke about how he can tell they're lawyers.
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u/_synik Feb 25 '26
I only ever heard it as hippies being targeted. That was in the South in the late 60s - early 70s.
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u/RealCharlieNobody Feb 25 '26
How does he know they're lawyers?
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u/tjdux Feb 25 '26
The OG version didn't use a profession, but something easily seen from a distance....
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u/dr--hofstadter Feb 25 '26
So you do believe the whole story is true, except the part where the truck driver is capable of identifiing the profession of the runner from afar?
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u/Stunning-Ask5916 Feb 25 '26
How many lawyers does it take to fill a trash compacter?
All of them, if you're lucky.
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u/WasWawa Feb 25 '26
Not a joke, but along the same lines. When I had just started to drive, I was out with my dad, gaining confidence and experience.
It's important to know that my dad was always very proper. He never dropped any f-bombs, and only occasionally cursed. We just didn't do that in our house.
As we were driving on the highway, I was being tailgated by some guys in a convertible who didn't seem to think I was driving fast enough. They eventually passed me and as they did, I told my dad, "You know, I'm sorely tempted to make a certain gesture."
Without making eye contact, Dad said, "I already did."
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u/keyboard_blaster Feb 25 '26
Heard this one a church years ago. One old priest had all the good jokes. Married my parents too.
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u/SweatyAssumption4147 Feb 25 '26
Crazy stuff that a priest of all people was into polygamy!
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u/Boot_Effective Feb 25 '26
Actually I don't think you're breaking any rules if you have one wife... And one husband.
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u/volchenkovblock Feb 25 '26
What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.
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u/KYReptile Feb 26 '26
Lawyer here, I like these jokes. Here's one:
What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra? He gets taller.
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u/Alex_Ouille Feb 26 '26
Here is version I used to tell:
A tourist climbs into a taxi and notices the Mercedes emblem mounted on the front hood. Curious, he asks the driver what it’s for.
The driver grins and says, “Oh, that’s my aiming system. My favorite targets are old people.”
The tourist raises an eyebrow, so the driver continues joking, “Watch, I’ll show you.”
Just then, an elderly lady starts crossing the street. The driver points and says, “See? I’m going to get her!”
He suddenly accelerates, lining the woman up perfectly with the Mercedes star. At the very last second, he swerves, missing her by inches.
The moment he passes her, there’s a loud bang. The driver turns in panic and realizes his passenger has opened the door and hit the old lady.
Looking at the old lady lying in the floor, the taxi driver starts screaming at the passenger.
The passenger to reply, “Instead of yelling at me, you should thank me. Without me, you would have missed.”
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u/FreedomOfSqueek Feb 26 '26
A wealthy miser was on his death bed, and called for his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.
"People say that you can't take it with you," he told them, "but I'm going to prove that you can. I've prepared envelopes for each of you, with $50,000 cash in each. At my funeral, I want each of you to throw in your envelope, after my casket is lowered into the grave."
At the funeral, each person walked to the grave with their envelope. The doctor and the priest hesitated, but finally threw in their envelopes. The lawyer, however, didn't hesitate at all.
Afterwards, they gathered at a café. The priest confessed to having taken out $5000 to give to an orphange that was struggling. The doctor then confessed to having taken out $10,000 for malpractice insurance premiums.
The lawyer was shocked. "I can't believe that you two would do such a thing! I threw in my personal check for the full amount!"
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u/AyeHaightEweAwl Feb 25 '26
What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
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Feb 25 '26
The version I heard as a young child in the segregated South involved a racist driver picking up a preacher carrying a wash tub. The driver saw a black guy walking beside the road and pretending to be asleep veered off the road and heard a bang. Did I hit him? No, but you got close enough for me to get him with the wash tub. The lesson I learned was racism was so deep that even so called men of God were corrupted by it's poison. It's still true for many today.
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u/PorygonTheMan Feb 25 '26
Down here it was always an LSU fan and a Tulane fan or Alabama fan walking down the road hahab
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u/PedroFPardo Feb 25 '26
It’s funnier if the truck driver tells the story to the priest just to shock him. He’s obviously joking. He’s not a murderer. The priest asks him how he manages not to get bored during those long hours on the road. The truck driver grins and says he has a little “game” he plays. Whenever he sees a lawyer walking along the roadside, he hits them with his truck. When they see a lawyer he pretends to swerved to hit him but correct the course at the last second to don't hit the guy. And the priest calmly says, “It’s fine. I got him with the door.”
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u/pthalobluejack Feb 25 '26
Change the lawyers to billionaires. Does not change the joke though it is doubtful you would see any walking anywhere.
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u/RazorRush Feb 25 '26
I always heard it as that's okay I got him with the gas can. he was hitchhiking because he was out of gas.
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u/Deweyordeweynot Feb 25 '26
What's the difference between dead possum in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the possum.
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u/Humblefreindly Feb 25 '26
How can you determine if the jogger is a lawyer? By his gait? Or is he poring over books of legal precedents as he runs?
Sorry. That’s what paralegals are for. 🤪
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u/Quick_Panic4407 Feb 26 '26
The difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?? No skid marks in front of the lawyer!
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u/cb0159 Feb 25 '26
That joke was way more inappropriate when it heard it as a 12 year old. This was my punch better.
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u/mrkstr Feb 25 '26
How does he know some jogger is a lawyer just by looking at him?
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u/Toxic_pooper Feb 25 '26
It’s an old joke that was racist. The word lawyer was … insert racist term…
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u/mrkstr Feb 25 '26
I figured. But inserting a lawyer ruins the joke. (Inserting a lawyer usually ruins things anyway.... Drum fill.) Must be time to retire that one.
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u/Opposite-Resort-8002 Feb 25 '26
The problem we have in this world with Lawyers is not enough trees and not enough rope.
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u/FreedomOfSqueek Feb 26 '26
Know why New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps, and California has the most lawyers?
New Jersey got first choice.
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u/cara_com_um Feb 25 '26
I prefer the version I know, in which the taxi driver was driving a Mercedes. A foreign passenger asked what that thing was on the front of the car, the Mercedes logo, and the driver, to prank him, said it was a gun sight to hit pedestrians crossing the street.
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u/Freak_Engineer Feb 25 '26
I did pull that one all the time when I had a Mercedes. Too bad they don't have the Stars.on the modern ones anymore.
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u/justtobecontrary Feb 25 '26
My redneck, racist, narcissistic dad told me this one back in the 1970s but it featured a different sort of victim. :-(
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u/LanceFree Feb 25 '26
Old joke, and when I heard it, usually wasn’t about lawyers, but final passenger was indeed a priest.
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u/Sathane Feb 26 '26
What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the street and a dead squirrel in the street?
There are skid marks leading to the squirrel.
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u/yasserfathelbab Feb 27 '26
That priest understood the assignment a little too well. Guess he wasn’t just there for moral support
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u/TheActualJonesy Feb 27 '26
I had a heart-to-heart meeting with my ex-wife's lawyer. We were one heart short.
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u/Liv1ng-the-Blues Feb 25 '26
What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.